AH and his mouth

Old 01-19-2007, 06:59 AM
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AH and his mouth

My problem lately is my AH's mouth. He doesn't think before he speaks to me or the kids. Today is my youngest's birthday so she wanted treats for school and he gave her such a hard time before we finally went out for the treats. Then when we got home he had a fit about the way she talked to him (she is trying to stand up for herself but she is only 7). She came to me and told me her heart was breaking from what daddy said to her. Then I reminded her that she was letting daddy win by making her cry and explained that there are times to stand up for yourself and that there are times that she can't because she still is a little girl.

Some days I don't know why I stay here. He is hurting the kids with his mouth and I am hurting the kids by staying with him. But a part of all of us still loves him. (by the way he is almost 2 years sober.)

Everyone tells me progress not perfection but I sure can't handle what is happening to me and my kids.

Thanks for reading. Just needed to get this off my chest so I can have a better day and make it a happy one for my daughter!
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Old 01-19-2007, 07:07 AM
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That's verbal abuse. Go down to the court house and get an order of protection to have him removed. It's free. You don't have to leave. The crap your daughter listens to now is the crap she will accept form her husband some day. Unacceptable to make a little girl so upset on her birthday. Daddy is a bully. Big man can make a little girl cry on her birthday. Fix it mom.
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Old 01-19-2007, 07:07 AM
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Hi Angel, what a hard situation. I grew up with a verbally abusive step-dad and it was terrible, and he didn't even drink. He's teaching her dark things about what treatment she should tolerate from men. You know that already.
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Old 01-19-2007, 07:10 AM
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He's been sober 2 years? How has he stayed this way? I'm guessing it's without a support group or counselling.
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Old 01-19-2007, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by angelonmyshould View Post
Some days I don't know why I stay here. He is hurting the kids with his mouth and I am hurting the kids by staying with him. But a part of all of us still loves him. (by the way he is almost 2 years sober.)

Everyone tells me progress not perfection but I sure can't handle what is happening to me and my kids.
I'll have two years next month, but learned in my first year to take the cotton out of my ears and stuff it in my mouth. I still slip with my kids at times, progress not perfection, but I try to have an awareness of my words before I voice them.

Have you considered counseling, or setting boundaries with your AH? My now ex endured my mouth for years and finally got fed up. I can't blame her one bit, and often wonder what took her so long. Protect yourself and your children first. I hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday!
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Old 01-19-2007, 07:44 AM
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i'm sorry angel

i am going through the same issue with my ah, only we don't have kids yet. gosh, thanks for giving me a look into the future i would have with him if we had children i don't think i could stand to see the hurt on my daughters face. have you tried family counseling?
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Old 01-19-2007, 07:49 AM
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I think this is beyond boundaires, When a father has to be given a boundary not to hurt his own kids, what's the point of a boundary? His paternal instincts to love and protect his kids is numb. He is exactly the kind of man most fathers protect theri kids from.
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Old 01-19-2007, 08:36 AM
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bottom line

i have always said that if my ah ever did anything to hurt our kids that would be it for me-no if's and's or but's. first instinct, protect your child.
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Old 01-19-2007, 08:37 AM
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I think you need to have serious words with your husband and take some action. Verbal abuse is never acceptable with regards to children...whether sober or drunk. It may hurt now but not as much as it will when your daughter is older and taking crap from her bf/h because she thinks it's acceptable as its what she grew up with. It's hard enough for adults to deal with verbal abuse, never mind kids. Sorry your family is going through this, I feel for you. x
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Old 01-19-2007, 08:41 AM
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Then I reminded her that she was letting daddy win by making her cry


Please do not take offence, I only share this because I was that little girl and know how this affected me.

Please don’t tell her that by crying daddy wins. This was my thought process from the time I can remember and I still have it with me today. I did not cry in front of anyone till my 20s…. It is not a contest to win or lose, they are feelings and she should be able to express them.

I cannot remember the last time I was able to cry for myself with another person and let them love me through it….. wait that is not true, I let my then 14 year old hold me and I held her when my Mother died…. But that is it. I cant cry with and for other people but I can share me with them…. It is still in my head that if I cry they win… and it’s my shameful weakness.

I learned at a very early age not to trust and to expect people to let me down or hurt me.... Since I already know they will I have always held the most important and deepest parts of me away and never shared them with another. How sad is that. I’m learning to trust, help and allow help by working my recovery program but it is such a slow process.

I can’t even try to tell you what to do in your marriage…. Maybe therapy or you could set the boundaries like…. When he does this and you see the pain in your daughter you remove her from the room???? Something. It will not matter if you leave him, he will get visitation rights and still do it. I know my ex-AH did it all the time to my daughter, the only thing I could think to do is hold her when she cries and tell her is that he is ill, but he loves her …. Just not the way she wants or deserves to be loved.

We as parents will always hurt our children, we will never be perfect. The question is taking responsibility and working on improvement.

This is only my two cents…. Please take what you want and leave the rest.

Last edited by Cynay; 01-19-2007 at 11:20 AM.
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Old 01-19-2007, 09:30 AM
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please take good care of yourself and your children. i know it is difficult. sending you strength and prayers, k
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Old 01-19-2007, 09:52 AM
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I did not grow up around alcohol or verbal abuse, so I don't really know that my advice is really reasonable, but I don't feel that anyone, you, your little girl, or anyone deserves what verbal abuse can and does to people.

I know what it has done to me, a 35 year old adult, so I can only imagine how the 7 year old baby feels.
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Old 01-19-2007, 10:10 AM
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By crying, daddy wins? Oh my.
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Old 01-19-2007, 10:25 AM
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unfortunately

that is what abuse does to us. teaches us to supress our emotions and wants and needs. not good.
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Old 01-19-2007, 10:54 AM
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if a father can say and do hurtful things to a little adorable 7 year old, what do you think is in store for her when she is a a difficult teenager?

my grandaughter is seven.....when i look into her innocent face, i would probably go after anyone who treated her badly....her parents included.

no excuse. none at all.
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Old 01-19-2007, 01:18 PM
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It's so important for us to have and process our feelings at any age and moreso as children. It's not a matter of an adult winning here. His choice of behavior/words has nothing to do with your daughter. He is choosing to dump his **** on a helpless child rather than on another adult who might call him on it.

I hope you can also let her know she is not responsible for his actions, she didn't cause him to treat her this way, it's nothing she did or didn't do. She'll be able to come through more easily if she knows it isn't her fault.

I have found much help through Al-Anon and one-on-one counseling as a parent and as a spouse. Good luck to you.
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Old 01-19-2007, 01:26 PM
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You don't have be a drunk to be an arse!

Maybe he is just a sorry person with an alcohol problem.
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Old 01-19-2007, 01:30 PM
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I need to ask this again..is your husband in some sort of recovery counselling or support group. My father up and quit drinking around the time I was born. If he didn't, it was gonna kill him. He quit on sheer willpower. He was a sober father but he was an angry man who pretty much yelled everything he said. I grew up just trying not to tick him off - walking on eggshells. I was terrified of my Dad...he did not physically abuse and I've often heard that emotional/verbal abuse can have much worse effects. My father (and I still love him dearly) couldn't help acting out on his issues. As I am now a recovering alcoholic I understand the wounds, fear, low self worth, insecurity, abandonment and control issues, etc etc...that he never truly addressed. He has mellowed with age as far as the anger...but unaddressed my parents eventually separated after 50 years due to my father's raging gambling addiction. Taking alcohol out of the man, does not fix him if there's something broke.
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Old 01-19-2007, 03:36 PM
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I have to throw in my two cents...

7 year old children cannot understand the immense emotional ramifications of verbal abuse. They internalize it and make it their fault. When someone hurts your feelings, it is normal and necessary to cry about it. This child is right to voice her feelings. Her Daddy is wrong. She shouldn't have to control her sadness at his abuse. My heart hurts for her. I agree with the other posters here. Telling her to not cry sets her up for a life of living with an abuser and seeing it as normal. It's not. On the one hand, I don't feel good about telling you this because this board is supposed to provide a safe place for all of the posters. On the other hand, I think about that precious baby and what she will face. She deserves validation of her feelings. She deserves to know that it is ok to feel sad and hurt by her Daddy's words. She deserves to know that he has a problem, not her. She needs to be able to express her pain or she will keep it inside and as an adult it will cause her even more anguish.

Roni
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Old 01-20-2007, 05:38 AM
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Thanks for all your comments and believe me I take all of them to heart!

I know it's my daughters feelings that I am repressing but, I don't know how else to let her know that daddy is sick. She already knows this. But probably doesn't understand it.

He has been sober two years and in the program two years with a sponser and all that... Even his new AA friends have talked to him about how he is with his kids. And I am reading a book on verbal abuse (just started it though). I always thought of it as mental abuse on my part.

Thanks to all of you.
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