hopeangel

i think after seven years i am going to have to leave my husband i am so upset right now. he came home and is still saying he is going to do the tile and that he is going to go WITH HIS MOTHER and pick it out tomorrow and she knows that i don't want the tile.
it is more than the tile. it is the fact that he has no respect for me or my feelings and just steps right over me and i am always going to be wrong and the enemy and his family is doing the same thing to me.
i have to stand up for myself or this is going to happen to me the rest of my life. sooner or later i have to take a stand.
maybe most people would say just let him do the tile, but it is just such a bigger issue here.
he is probably in a dry drunk and not thinking clearly. he has told me to go ahead and leave which i am sure is what he wants, he wants his reason to drink and he is getting it i don't know what to do he upsets me soo much.
he just left for a walk and said don't wait up.

stone

((hopeangel)), whats's a tile?

WantsOut

Hi Hope, I'm sorry that it has come to this. It seemed like a control issue to me too. Maybe even just following through will cause a new relationship to form. For right now though, you need to take care of you.

dogandbooklover

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand it's so much more than the tile. I also understand how hard it is when your in-laws don't respect you. Mine hate me, well, they hate pretty much everyone including their son (my husband). It took a few years (before we got married and right after) for my husband to see that having them in our life was toxic. Life is SO much better without them in it.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Pick-a-name

Sorry you are going thru this........I understand. My exAH got like this,too. The first 20 years or so of our marriage,we both looked at/picked out thisng for our home and he always deferred to my pick when they we were not in agreement (usually we were!). The last few years,before he moved out and ultimately divorced me,he hired people,etc without my knowledge or insisted on whatever it was he decided was what he wanted without regard to my opinion or the rest of the family. Very upsetting..and usually I found out after the fact. I think it is a part of the selfishness that accompanied the disease as it progresses.

embraced2000

hi hope....i was one that said to just let him tile and be sober.....i have thought about that ever since i said that to you.

i guess the edge has smoothed somewhat for me after not living with my xh since last march.....i had forgotten the hellish controlling behaviors like you are going through right now with the tile.

one memory came back to me about how my xh demanded me to move from a spot on the couch, because he wanted it. to shut him up, i moved. so i get on the other end, and pulled the recliner handle.....well, he didn't want me to do that, either. so i sat up. then i got some needlework and started on that, at the other end of the couch, sitting straight and rigid. he threw a tantrum over that, too. very controlling, hateful, sick.


i still have the knee jerk reaction at times to just keep things quiet....like the tile episode.....just let him tile and he will be ok. that was not the best thing i could have said to you.

you have every right to have choices about your home, whether he is cooperating or not. and now he is going to let his mother pick out your tile pattern that you don't even want???? controlling. aggressive.

i'm sorry if i invalidated your feelings and needs on this one. it has been on my mind since i posted it....

i'm so sorry you are having to experience the insanity of alcoholism.

love to you

hopeangel

the pain is still here, but i am trying so hard to keep my heart out of this and just deal with what my rational brain is telling me. it is telling me that if i don't set boundaries this will continue to happen.
his mother has no business making decisions for OUR MY home. she should just stay out of it, but of course, it is me. i am the irrational wrong one and her son is the poor victom. she will do anything to get him away from me.
thank you embraced for your kind insightful words. yes it is h@@@ i do have a tendency to overreact sometimes and to want my own way too, and maybe be stubborn and i needed to make sure that is not what i am doing in this situation, but i really don't think i am being unreasonable in this situation??? i mean two people in a marriage need to be in agreement on a home that you share right? and if not then it should not be done right?
dog and book lover -sorry you have the same problem with your in-laws. you know i never really considered this when i got married. i now realize that you marry the family. should we really have to spend our lives like this?
for those that didn't read previous post - ah wants to put tile in a room in our house, which i am very against for many reasons and he has said he is going to do it anyway. sorry to not go into detail, but it is in my other post

you know,i don't know if i would have the strength to get though this without all of you -thanks!!!

mallowcup

Well, I'd go ahead and leave. Trouble would be, I'd be leaving to go directly to the best lawyer in town. When it's over, strike hard and strike fast. Maybe I'm old and far too independent but he and his mother can tile, paper, glue, paste, whatever just as soon as they write a check for your half of the house. I too, smiled my way through insults from my mother in law, her ADVICE etc. For years I let her keep pushing me back. Long story short. My husbands first wife died at 26, Left him with a 4 year old to raise. My husbands first wife asked that her engagement ring be given to her son when he came of age. My mother in law took the ring insisting she would put it safe keeping. Fast forward.........my step son is now 27. My husband asked his mother for the ring. Actually, he asked me to email his mother to ask for the ring. She said ph, OK I'll get it out of the safe deposit box..........nothin, nothing, nothing. My husband asked me to email again, I did. Well, it wasnt in the safe deposit box. Well.....were is it? It's ion my locked box in Florida, I'll get it when I go down......nothing nothing nothing. My husband asked me to email again. I did. She called and said she remembered giving it back to y husband a few years ago. He said no! NO you didn't. Then the straw that broke the camels back for me. "Well, your wife keeps emailing me about the ring, I think she just wants it for herself, she sure seems obcessed with that ring". He said NO! I asked her to email each time she did. She lost the ring. She insisted on taking it at the funeral and then she lost it......one year, two years, three years.........my sister in law called and said , guess what I found? She found the ring and her own birth certificate in a file cabinet my mother in law had abandoned at their house. Her latest thing is this $10,000.00 investment she has made in my husbands name. My husband can't stand his mother most of the time but I've decided it's important to marry a man who isn't still breast feeding. It is very hard to have a marriage with two women in it, especially when one of them intentionally postures.

jeb7363

i don't have the mother in law problem, she died before we married BUT i am sitting here looking at a living room full of brick red leather furniture and a huge picture of a ship that I let him pick out. I usually deferred to his choiceto keep the peace, even when it came to the vehicle I drove.

Grasshopper

Although this is not in our al-anon litiure,i do and have found this theory that is working in my life.And that is,that i teach folks how to treat me.My words in the past,says no.But my actions have said,ok,do as you please,and then i would be mad.It took a longgggggggggg,time to teach folks a certain way,and it takes a longgggggggg time to teach another that i have changed.The first time i was assetive,i just blew up,and walked away from another,,lol.Eventually learning that it does take---time--
I too had the mother-in-laws,nose in our,bussiness.When talking to her about this,it wasnt like i thought it was.She really believed that she was needed and being helpful.I of course did not see,it this way.lol.The more i talk to people,and try to understand them,the more understanding i have of them.I eventually had fun,humor with my hub,his,constant,askin Mom,what to do,,etc.Example when it came to bed-time,i told him to call Mom,see if it was ok,for romance.He eventually got the message i was sending him.And that was,leave Mom,out of our personal issues.
I am respoinsible for how another treats me.If another asks me to jump over the bridge,and i do it,whose falut is that?Not theirs,but my own,for following,something i knew wasnt in my best interest.No blaming another.
As i live in the 12 steps,i can then make clearer decisions,for myself.
My prayers are with you both.
God Bless

mallowcup

Here's my guide. The vows said, Love me, Cherish Me, Honor me, Keep ME, forsaking all others. I bet your mother in law was not included in those vows. Usually the Pastor asks the congregation to support the couple in keeping their vows. For me, it is important to maintain the integrity of my beliefs. What's the point of being an adult woman? If yours is a Christian marriage, your husband is out of line with the church. A man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. The two shall become one. No mention of mom. God will not bless disobedience.

hopeangel

yes glassprisoner i am really learning through alanon, counseling, and you good people here that you do teach people how to treat you and you are responsible for how you allow people treat you. if you allow it and don't set boundaries then you lose respect for yourself and your partner loses respect for you too. i also think every time you send the message that it is okay they will take it one step farther the next time.
i am trying so hard to start and set boundaries and correct the damage that has been done to me and my marriage.
i have told ah how i feel about this situation and he said he understood and not to argue anymore. i told him that i am glad he understands and that his mother should not be making decisions for our house - she is not his wife-and she does not live here. so i told him he will have to tell her this in the nicest way possible or i am going to have to. he said you tell her and i said
"no, she is your mother, you handle it. i love love you, have a nice day."
now, him saying he understands does not necessarly mean he will not do his own thing. we will see what happens today.

mallowcup, thanks for making me consider the vows that we took and for your advice. we had the talk last night about the house and he is clearly not thinking. he said he wanted me to just hand the house over to him last night -- hello- no way. he is going to do all this stuff and spend money and then sell the house. i have already talked to a lawyer about my options. i explained to ah that half the house is mine and that if i move out i am having all the utilites which i pay put in his name and he will have to pay them. he doesn't even have work right now, that is why i say he is clearly not thinking straight.
gosh, as i see more clearly the person that i married and see that the attitude and personality is still there sober. i am wondering how i could have been so stupid.

i tried to link my other posts so others could catch up but couldn't. sorry

queenteree

Hope,
Please fill me in with last night - at one point you say he understood and will speak with his mother, then you say he wants you to hand over the house to him and he will fix it and sell it. So what was solved, if you don't mind me asking.

hopeangel

well, last night was the conversation about me leaving and him wanting me to just give him the house.
this morning, i gave my last plea about how i feel and that is when he said he understood no more arguing. i then asked him to tell his mother in the nicest terms that she needs to mind her own business and stay out of it and he then said "you tell her" i then said, no "she is your mother. you brought her into this. you handle it"

i still bet they are out "house shopping" right now. i don't think anything will change, unless he finally got i was serious. most likely he was just saying to to shut me up.

parentrecovers

just sending prayers your way, hopeangel. k

lilac

Just sending thoughts and prayers your way...

penneypoo

Wow, hopeangel, I can't believe what you are going through, I could easily be in your shoes, and I would have lost it by now. He sounds like a total jerk, and the longer you stay, the more he will destroy you. You are so strong, but deserve so much better. He wants you to leave, so he can drink, just let him, he has his mother to enable him. You have my prayers.

hopeangel

the sad thing is i realize he does want me to go because that is a lot easier for him to face right now than a life without drinking. i guess i have to face that reality and prepare for it because if it is not this he will find another way to push me out so he can have his true love alcohol i know full well this is what he is doing. yes, his mother is a big enabler. i can't believe he lets her still do this to him. she abused him horribly growing up-laughed and cringed as his dad beat him and the dog bite him over and over again-locked him out in the cold with no food all night and the mental abuse she put him through had him so nervous he would break out all over. how can a woman like this still have such a hold over him and why can't he still stand up to her?

it is really hard to realize his intentions and to let it happen-then you almost feel guilt because you let it happen to - know what i mean?

any suggestions on how i handle tonight? if he got the tile with his mother or if he didn't?

penneypoo

Sounds like he needs counseling, maybe that's not possible right now. It's hard not to feel sorry for him, but until he gets help, he won't change. You need to do what's right for YOU. About the tile, just let it be. If he hasn't considered your opinion up until this point, it won't matter now. He will do what he wants regardless. Good Luck

hopeangel

we went to marriage counseling and then went seperately for a while. he quit going when he started outpatient treatment, but he has talked about calling to go back since he is not working during the day now.