Should I be involved with a recovering alcoholic...
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NL, Canada
Posts: 14
Should I be involved with a recovering alcoholic...
I posted on the Relationship board but wanted to read some more here as well...
After reading so many posts I worry if our relationship can ever work in the long run...it seems that every post I read here has a....Yes he seems like a great guy now....BUT....
We are being very honest with each other...I am researching everything, telling him how I feel, want to meet with his counsellor....and he goes to several meetings a week, speaks to his close spiritual advisor friends, has a counsellor and sees a doctor.
He has told me sooooooo much about what triggers the drinking for him and how he is dealing with that....staying away from those places and people.
He is around a few people (family) when they drink and is ok with that.
At 41 I have been through my share of life experiences and know that there are a lot of people out there who never work at looking deep inside themselves for self-improvement so they can love themselves better and those around them.
Am I just being naive in thinking that we could possibly have a good life together...?
After reading so many posts I worry if our relationship can ever work in the long run...it seems that every post I read here has a....Yes he seems like a great guy now....BUT....
We are being very honest with each other...I am researching everything, telling him how I feel, want to meet with his counsellor....and he goes to several meetings a week, speaks to his close spiritual advisor friends, has a counsellor and sees a doctor.
He has told me sooooooo much about what triggers the drinking for him and how he is dealing with that....staying away from those places and people.
He is around a few people (family) when they drink and is ok with that.
At 41 I have been through my share of life experiences and know that there are a lot of people out there who never work at looking deep inside themselves for self-improvement so they can love themselves better and those around them.
Am I just being naive in thinking that we could possibly have a good life together...?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
The character of a man includes facing a tough problem and actually doing something proactive about it. That's a man I'd be interested in. Some alcoholics never face their problem. I actually see your guys recovery as an attribute. He's done the work. There are no guarentees in any relationship. I think most of the posts you read here are not about alcoholics working a successful working program. Most of the posts here are about acoholics who are actively drinking and not facing their problem or doing a thing about it. I have read recent posts from long time successfully recovering alcoholics here. The best thing is that this man seems to have addressed his recovery on his own. If there is no joy or hope for a "normal" life in recovery, why would anyone bother. I love his open and honest approach with you about all of it. I think he's a keeper. It wouldn't hurt at all for you to attend some alanon meetings and do some reading. Knowledge never hurts.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
How about we change the question?
Are you ready for a relationship? Emotionally you may want it but beyond that have you done enough of what is in quotes for yourself?
At 41 I have been through my share of life experiences and know that there are a lot of people out there who never work at looking deep inside themselves for self-improvement so they can love themselves better and those around them. Where you say that he is telling of triggers... is he far enough along in his own recovery that he should be seeking relationships or would his time be better served working on self a bit more?
One year is an average. Some could be two years, some could be less then the year but one year before any major life changes (major choices) is a good starting place for all.
Are you ready for a relationship? Emotionally you may want it but beyond that have you done enough of what is in quotes for yourself?
Originally Posted by jayla41 
At 41 I have been through my share of life experiences and know that there are a lot of people out there who never work at looking deep inside themselves for self-improvement so they can love themselves better and those around them.
One year is an average. Some could be two years, some could be less then the year but one year before any major life changes (major choices) is a good starting place for all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NL, Canada
Posts: 14
Thank you so much for your post.
I've told him how proud I am of him...that he decided that drinking could not be a part of his life anymore.
His counselor tells him that he has never seen someone so determined in his recovery efforts to do whatever it takes to face his demons head on and to come out the other side a better human being.
We live in a society which is so entrenched in including alcohol with every life event...any excuse to drink...from a nice summers day...to a promotion...birth of a child...sporting event, etc...
Almost every guy I know does this....some can function in life but most do not have a very happy family life.
And very rarely have I met a man who decides to stop it and look deep inside himself and face the reasons behind why he drinks so much.
I am a very rational, levelheaded, intelligent person....but I also have a very big heart, very supportive and have a lot of love to give the right person.
I have entered into this with my eyes wide open...and he is not sugar coating it whatsoever...but has been brutally honest about the work he has done and the work he will need to continue to do.
I'm sure it must be natural to have fears and worries...because it is a disease that is very powerful...
I will continue to research it to death (as I normally do everything that comes into my life)
I am going to see his counsellor in the near future...and we have discussed us doing couples counselling as well.
Thanks again for your post....this is all still fairly new to me....and I look forward to hearing all opinions.
I've told him how proud I am of him...that he decided that drinking could not be a part of his life anymore.
His counselor tells him that he has never seen someone so determined in his recovery efforts to do whatever it takes to face his demons head on and to come out the other side a better human being.
We live in a society which is so entrenched in including alcohol with every life event...any excuse to drink...from a nice summers day...to a promotion...birth of a child...sporting event, etc...
Almost every guy I know does this....some can function in life but most do not have a very happy family life.
And very rarely have I met a man who decides to stop it and look deep inside himself and face the reasons behind why he drinks so much.
I am a very rational, levelheaded, intelligent person....but I also have a very big heart, very supportive and have a lot of love to give the right person.
I have entered into this with my eyes wide open...and he is not sugar coating it whatsoever...but has been brutally honest about the work he has done and the work he will need to continue to do.
I'm sure it must be natural to have fears and worries...because it is a disease that is very powerful...
I will continue to research it to death (as I normally do everything that comes into my life)
I am going to see his counsellor in the near future...and we have discussed us doing couples counselling as well.
Thanks again for your post....this is all still fairly new to me....and I look forward to hearing all opinions.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I am a sprinter. I start out fast and run hard at everything I do.
When it comes to recovery...we need be long distance runners. Being a long distance runner goes against my nature. Only time was able to tell if I could hold the course.
His counselor would have said the same of me as well...
His counselor tells him that he has never seen someone so determined in his recovery efforts to do whatever it takes to face his demons head on and to come out the other side a better human being.
But untill I had a good collection of time... none of us would have known if it would stick.
I can't tell the future for myself so I can't tell what his future will be either.
He can be on the path to solid recovery or he can revert back to his old ways as well. I don't see such happening to me but that doesn't mean it can't.
I think you have a good plan in mind...just remember to keep both eyes opened till time and actions tell you that you can relax a bit.
When it comes to recovery...we need be long distance runners. Being a long distance runner goes against my nature. Only time was able to tell if I could hold the course.
His counselor would have said the same of me as well...
His counselor tells him that he has never seen someone so determined in his recovery efforts to do whatever it takes to face his demons head on and to come out the other side a better human being.
But untill I had a good collection of time... none of us would have known if it would stick.
I can't tell the future for myself so I can't tell what his future will be either.
He can be on the path to solid recovery or he can revert back to his old ways as well. I don't see such happening to me but that doesn't mean it can't.
I think you have a good plan in mind...just remember to keep both eyes opened till time and actions tell you that you can relax a bit.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NL, Canada
Posts: 14
Best...he sounds a lot like you...with this and with business.
He has spoken to his counsellor and the doctor about his involvement with me...plus his spiritual advisor friends.
THe main point from all sides is to NOT lose sight of what he is trying to achieve...to continue to work on himself...they think that my support and understanding of what he needs to be doing for himself right now is a positive thing for him...
He has been at this for 2 years...in the 1st year he did try and still hang out with his old friends...not drink...but fell back into the old routine of drinking...he said he still (at that point) hadn't accepted that alcohol couldn't be ANY part of his life....
Since then he has learned to put those people and places behind him...has become deeply involved with prayer and spirituality...and continues to work the 12 steps (I believe he is at Step 8??)
I know relapses can happen even when someone has the best intentions and all the love and support in the world...
But do you run and say you aren't going to take the chance...or stay and try to build a life together??
As for me...I was in a 8 year relationship that I've been away from for 1.5 years now.
I have done a lot of soul searching as well in that time...and think that us visiting a counsellor together will only be beneficial to the both of us.
He has spoken to his counsellor and the doctor about his involvement with me...plus his spiritual advisor friends.
THe main point from all sides is to NOT lose sight of what he is trying to achieve...to continue to work on himself...they think that my support and understanding of what he needs to be doing for himself right now is a positive thing for him...
He has been at this for 2 years...in the 1st year he did try and still hang out with his old friends...not drink...but fell back into the old routine of drinking...he said he still (at that point) hadn't accepted that alcohol couldn't be ANY part of his life....
Since then he has learned to put those people and places behind him...has become deeply involved with prayer and spirituality...and continues to work the 12 steps (I believe he is at Step 8??)
I know relapses can happen even when someone has the best intentions and all the love and support in the world...
But do you run and say you aren't going to take the chance...or stay and try to build a life together??
As for me...I was in a 8 year relationship that I've been away from for 1.5 years now.
I have done a lot of soul searching as well in that time...and think that us visiting a counsellor together will only be beneficial to the both of us.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think getting involved with an alcoholic who is serious about recovery involves a commitment to a certain type of lifestyle. In this analogy, it is similar to having a relationship with a diabetic. It is a condition that can be managed or not. The commitment is lifelong. I think there is a benefit. It keeps a person in a near constant state of a heightened awareness. I don't drink but there are certainly triggers that effect my mood.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
Certain lifestyle
I agree with Mallowcup, as a recovering alcoholic myself there is a different lifestyle that I live now as opposed to when I was drinking. Meetings are a part of my life. I know that at least three times a week, I go to AA meetings, I have a sponsor, I do service work, I sponsor people with less sobriety than me. It is a very small price to pay for the life AA has given me. I know that it is what I have to do to stay sober. Without doing these things for me, I am nothing.
I think you and your man are off to a really great start. Honesty, open mindedness and willingness. It sounds like you have those components.
I think you and your man are off to a really great start. Honesty, open mindedness and willingness. It sounds like you have those components.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NL, Canada
Posts: 14
He has spoken to his counsellor and the doctor about his involvement with me...plus his spiritual advisor friends.
THe main point from all sides is to NOT lose sight of what he is trying to achieve...to continue to work on himself...they think that my support and understanding of what he needs to be doing for himself right now is a positive thing for him...
He has been at this for 2 years...in the 1st year he did try and still hang out with his old friends...not drink...but fell back into the old routine of drinking...he said he still (at that point) hadn't accepted that alcohol couldn't be ANY part of his life.
...Now he knows that alcohol is NOT an OPTION for him anymore...and he has told his old friends that (especially when they try telling him that he didn't drink nearly as much or as often as they do)...good friends, huh? he only keeps in contact with a very select group of them now and controls the environments in which he is in their presence.
So he has learned to put those people and places behind him...has become deeply involved with prayer and spirituality...and continues to work the 12 steps (I believe he is at Step 8??)...and all the rest....
I know relapses can happen even when someone has the best intentions and all the love and support in the world...
But do you run and say you aren't going to take the chance...or stay and try to build a life together??
As for me...I was in a 8 year relationship that I've been away from for 1.5 years now.
I have done a lot of soul searching as well in that time...and think that us visiting a counsellor together will only be beneficial to the both of us.
THe main point from all sides is to NOT lose sight of what he is trying to achieve...to continue to work on himself...they think that my support and understanding of what he needs to be doing for himself right now is a positive thing for him...
He has been at this for 2 years...in the 1st year he did try and still hang out with his old friends...not drink...but fell back into the old routine of drinking...he said he still (at that point) hadn't accepted that alcohol couldn't be ANY part of his life.
...Now he knows that alcohol is NOT an OPTION for him anymore...and he has told his old friends that (especially when they try telling him that he didn't drink nearly as much or as often as they do)...good friends, huh? he only keeps in contact with a very select group of them now and controls the environments in which he is in their presence.
So he has learned to put those people and places behind him...has become deeply involved with prayer and spirituality...and continues to work the 12 steps (I believe he is at Step 8??)...and all the rest....
I know relapses can happen even when someone has the best intentions and all the love and support in the world...
But do you run and say you aren't going to take the chance...or stay and try to build a life together??
As for me...I was in a 8 year relationship that I've been away from for 1.5 years now.
I have done a lot of soul searching as well in that time...and think that us visiting a counsellor together will only be beneficial to the both of us.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
One important thing. My brother-in-law comes to mind. He is in a constant state of recovery. Great. He is so consumed with recovery he is impoverished and barely makes ends meet. He lives bare bones. That's OK so long as "recovery" doesn't become an excuse not to work or be productive. Most women want an honest, reliable, productive man. Were you suprised that he had a problem with alcohol or was it evident? Pretty much all he does is "recover" as if it makes him exempt from work. My ex was the same way. If he was in recovery, that's ALL he was doing, which is also fine if it is a phase of recovery.
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Location: NL, Canada
Posts: 14
NoChoice I am glad to hear you say this...
This is the type of thing that he says all the times...
I was very surprised he had a problem with alcohol...he has a thriving business that he started himself 5 years ago...and he is really motivated there as well....he said even more so now that I am so accepting, loving and supportive...he wants to be able to give back to me in the future for everything I've brought to his life thus far.
I know that it is what I have to do to stay sober. Without doing these things for me, I am nothing.
I was very surprised he had a problem with alcohol...he has a thriving business that he started himself 5 years ago...and he is really motivated there as well....he said even more so now that I am so accepting, loving and supportive...he wants to be able to give back to me in the future for everything I've brought to his life thus far.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Jayla,
I married a recovering alcoholic who was very very serious about his recovery, and he managed to stay sober over 14 years. He has since relapsed (after he tore his rotator cuff and needed surgery and was home on workers comp for over three months, sitting in a recliner in constant pain and for months afterward was unable to do much, such as play golf, fish, bowl, etc., all the things he always enjoyed) and he went into a depression. He still continues to drink, but is on the path to recovery (he's realizing it is a problem again and has signficantly cut back). When he first started drinking again, I was angry, hurt, resentful, etc. I regretted the day I married him and at one point, I'd even wished him dead (how horrible is that?). Then I came here, and I learned to work on me and how I handle things. It has been a Godsend. My husband is still a great husband, despite his drinking, and I wouldn't trade all our years together for anything, and I don't have any regrets and in hindsight, I'd do it all over again. In life, there are no guarantees, and I would say go for it.
I married a recovering alcoholic who was very very serious about his recovery, and he managed to stay sober over 14 years. He has since relapsed (after he tore his rotator cuff and needed surgery and was home on workers comp for over three months, sitting in a recliner in constant pain and for months afterward was unable to do much, such as play golf, fish, bowl, etc., all the things he always enjoyed) and he went into a depression. He still continues to drink, but is on the path to recovery (he's realizing it is a problem again and has signficantly cut back). When he first started drinking again, I was angry, hurt, resentful, etc. I regretted the day I married him and at one point, I'd even wished him dead (how horrible is that?). Then I came here, and I learned to work on me and how I handle things. It has been a Godsend. My husband is still a great husband, despite his drinking, and I wouldn't trade all our years together for anything, and I don't have any regrets and in hindsight, I'd do it all over again. In life, there are no guarantees, and I would say go for it.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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haha....funny Mallowcup...
PLUS...he is VERY handsome...and works out a lot as well....heehee!
Thank you queenteree for your post....good luck to the both of you!
I am not sure what to say to him with regards to possible relapsing in the future...he has made me aware that although he feels positive that it won't happen....he knows that there is no guarantee...but he says he has faith that if he reaches that point that he knows what to do to turn it around very quickly!
So, of course, being a person without an addictive disease I think...so how come it can't be stopped everytime before it happens then?
I assume it is just the nature of the disease....it is managed but not ever controlled totally....is that correct???
Well, if you don't want him, I'll take him. Just kidding.
Thank you queenteree for your post....good luck to the both of you!
I am not sure what to say to him with regards to possible relapsing in the future...he has made me aware that although he feels positive that it won't happen....he knows that there is no guarantee...but he says he has faith that if he reaches that point that he knows what to do to turn it around very quickly!
So, of course, being a person without an addictive disease I think...so how come it can't be stopped everytime before it happens then?
I assume it is just the nature of the disease....it is managed but not ever controlled totally....is that correct???
Last edited by jayla41; 01-16-2007 at 07:28 AM.
Unconditional love
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mi
Posts: 84
Why do you need to talk to his counsler about him? Do you not trust him and what he is saying to you? Do you want to babysit him and make sure he is always telling you the truth and not drinking? I think its would be best that you take time and watch his actions and not check up on him.
If he is going to relapse, then he is going to do it no matter what you say and do. An A can always relapse when you least expect it and no matter what the counseler tell you about him. You have to make that decision on your own. Good luck to both of you!
If he is going to relapse, then he is going to do it no matter what you say and do. An A can always relapse when you least expect it and no matter what the counseler tell you about him. You have to make that decision on your own. Good luck to both of you!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
jayla
Looks like you have thought this out well.
Prayers that things work out as you would like and that you are guided to what is best. There are no guarantees for any of us in this life. I hope that you both find a true happiness.
Looks like you have thought this out well.
Prayers that things work out as you would like and that you are guided to what is best. There are no guarantees for any of us in this life. I hope that you both find a true happiness.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NL, Canada
Posts: 14
LoveMyPup I don't think you understood the premise behind my wanting to speak to his counsellor...it's not to check up on him or because I don't trust him...it's to get another perspective...a professional one at that...on having a healthy relationship with a person recovering from alcoholism.
Most definitely not...that is not my nature at all...I fully realize that if he intends to relapse that no amount of interrogation or babysitting on my behalf will deter him from doing so.
Thank you Best for your kind words and advice...I know that only time will tell if this will work for me and for us as a couple...
Do you want to babysit him and make sure he is always telling you the truth and not drinking?
Thank you Best for your kind words and advice...I know that only time will tell if this will work for me and for us as a couple...
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Having been in an alcoholic relationship for 18 years, I would not knowingly get involved with another, recovering or not. I might possibly miss out on some good guys, but it's a personal choice.
I hope whatever choice you make for yourself leads to a happy life. He sounds like a very nice man.
I hope whatever choice you make for yourself leads to a happy life. He sounds like a very nice man.
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