socalgal

Hi,
I am new posting to this forum but I must admit I've been lurking around here reading the posts for the past week or so. I am a recovering alcoholic with 12 years of sobriety. I have "nice" life, great husband, 2 wonderful children and a growing feeling of uneasiness about what I am about to embark on. Recently my husband and I have been in therapy, we'll be married 15 years this week, and issues are coming up that I am realizing have a lot to do with me and my reactions/perceptions of things. I am searching for answers and I came across the ACA forum. Yikes! The "laundry list" hit close to home. There is a reluctance in my that I don't understand. I have had the courage to deal with my own disease and many painful issues surrounding it. I did a lot of work early on dealing with my mother (Queen of the Codependent Nation) and my father who drank for 10 years but has been sober for 15. I learned to set boundaries with my mother and have a wonderful relationship with my father.

I am questioning my thinking a lot surrounding identifying myself as an ACA. Clearly, I know I am. But...my life doesn't feel unmanagable and I wonder if I am trying to attatch more significance to childhood events. I wonder if things were really that bad, they don't seem as extreme as some peoples. Maybe I am just looking for reasons for my "bad behavior". Maybe this thinking is all part of my denial? I am so confused all of a sudden and I am wondering what is real and what is in my head. Yikes, what is going on with me? What is this reluctance I feel? Is it fear?

I read an interpretation of the first step where the person said, "My inner child has become unmanagable." That resonated witih me. I know I do things that are clearly coming from and irrational and childish place.

I guess I just don't relish the thought of looking for trouble where there is none or feeling anger/pain concerning my parents when I have been able to come to a place where I can accept that my parents did the best they could given who they were and what they knew. I don't want to feel the anger I once felt. I am afraid of the pain I may encounter.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I guess just starting to write it out and look at it is a beginning. Any thoughts, suggestions, similar experiences would be welcome.

Thanks also for this forum. There is a feeling in me that, like so many things in my recovery, I found this right when I was supposed to. I also think I know, deep inside, that this is the next step in my journey. So...why this reluctance?

Kathleen

GingerM

Yup, fear is it. Your series of questions following it seem to indicate largely a fear of the unknown. That's the worst kind of fear out there.

When I came across this forum and the 'laundry list', my next therapy appointment, I took the list with me (printed it out), handed it to my therapist and said "Pick one, and let's get to work".

I calmed my fears by taking action. It's easier to be afraid into inaction, but once you start moving in a direction - any direction - some of that fear begins to go away. Especially if you have a good therapist.

I do relate to that feeling of "inner child has become unmanageable". I found that feeling of being out of control to be much more anxiety provoking than the fear of rehashing old stuff from my childhood.

Although your relationship with your parents is different now, that doesn't mean that your past didn't exist and didn't have a major impact on you as an adult. If you can work with it as dealing with how your past life affects your current life, perhaps some of the fear of the unknown will let up a bit.

Welcome to the board. Someone else should be along shortly to give their perspective on it.

socalgal

Wow. Thank for the reply. After I wrote last I did have a sense of relief that I was moving, however reluctantly, in the right direction. I sort of feel I took a step to make myself accountable.

You are right, it is fear of the unknown. I see my therapist tonight and plan to bring all this up.
I think along with just facing the fear,which often seems trivial compared to the anxiety I am willing to sit in for too long, I need to work on good old "willingness"...

I woke up with the word "surrender" in my head. Yeah, time to stop fighting this.

I find it interesting that there seems to be a pattern of these issues coming up after a period of sobriety. Could it be that this is a natural progression of one's recovery. Heal your body and you mind first, then, start healing your soul? OK. I am feeling a little more ready.

I am so grateful for this forum. Honestly, I would be at a total loss right now. And, knowing me, I probably would avoid this like the plague. Having some honest but caring responses from all of you is so tremendously helpful for me. It is harder to deny what everyone else clearly can see

Thankyou, thankyou, I feel this board will become a very important lifeline for me. I already love you all!

Kathleen

socalgal

It just occured tome that it is my inner child that is afraid and resisting. The adult in me knows what I need to do. I am realizing that the internal struggle I feel so often is that - the child vs. the adult. So, who is going to drive this bus anyway! he,he. Wow, things are coming fast and furious all of a suddden.
I also realized what a high a get from just a response to what I am saying. Serious need to be heard and validated. Another issue. Oh boy, here they come!
It is just a continuing journey, isn't it. Seeing it as a positive thing in my continuing adventure makes it easier to face. Just another chance to grow.
I once again find myself filled with wonder and gratitude at how perfectly each of our lives are laid out. Everything is just as it should be right now.
This isn't the path that I would chose if "I" were in control, but it IS my path.
So, here we go!

Easeful

[BWelcome Kathleen. Thanks for posting, you've given me something to think about. For myself it was far easier to accept my own alcoholism (and in a disease that is all about denial, we all know it isn't all that easy) than it was to face my parents addictions. Even though they had 3 hospitalizations between them for dt's, I felt like I was inventing lies about them. Could be that's because that's what they told me and being the ever dutiful daughter I accepted it. ::sigh:: More work. B]

socalgal

Easeful,
Interesting. To this day nobody in my family really wants to talk about the "elephant in the living room". Maybe I feel a bit like I, once again, am breaking the family "rules".

Thanks for your post. It is helpful to know that other people have struggled with this.

Kathleen