newenglandgirl

Hey all,

Well I've been staying with my parents for over a week now. But have been communicating with my AH via email. He's been holed up as usual in the apartment drinking non-stop. His emails are heartbreaking. They fluctuate between telling me how much he misses me, etc. and telling me how much he hates me. Oh the drama. I've only been responding in the mornings when I know he's fairly sober-ish. He called in sick AGAIN to work tomorrow (he's been doing this a lot lately). My parents really think we need to tell his father what bad shape he's in. I'm beginning to agree. I'm just so scared. I'm terrified that his father won't take it seriously and then my AH will be so devestated that his father knows that he'll hurt/kill himself. He's never attempted this before. Perhaps I'm imposing the way I think I'd feel. I don't know. I'm just so scared. I want to do everything I can. Sitting back and letting him just stay in this condition just seems to go against everything I ever thought was right.

denny57

Someone once asked me: what haven't you tried yet that you think might work?

You are not letting him stay in this condition, he is. You are staying in your own condition. Do you attend Al-Anon meetings?

newenglandgirl

No. I haven't yet. I don't have a good exuse. I've been reading the literature on line though.

cmc

In Alanon I learned not to create a crisis where one does not exist. What I also learned.... the hard way, with my own son's addiction is that nothing I do or say is going to make him want to stop. I can contribute to his using in a very negative way if I continue to do things for him that he can do for himself. My continual intervention in my son's life only prolonged his and my own misery. By doing for another I take away what is perhaps a last shred of dignity for a person who already must be feeling badly about himself. One of the main issues an addict/alcoholic faces is incredible low self esteem and robbing someone of their choices sends a message that someone else should be in control of them... because they are not capable. I have had to let my son do what HE will.... and when he does get help, the reward is his alone.
I have several family members who do not know about my son.
I first consider the effect on the person I am telling about and then the effect on the person I am telling to. If it would cause harm to me or to another then I choose to be silent.
It may not make sense, but neither does my trying to make someone stop doing something that I have NO control over.
Do you attend Alanon? I suggest you try at least 6 meetings and you will be surprised at how much you will learn and find people who have faced your exact situation who can show you a better way.

Zoey

I think you you are right, don't tell his father, he ,your A is a grown man, let him figure it out. Telling in-laws- often get us in a world of trouble.
I am so sorry you are involved with an alcoholic. We seem to be so many many involved in this most horrible disease.
Keep us posted.

newenglandgirl

But what if he is so "far gone" that he is unable to make rational decisions for himself?

best

NEGirl

Here is a post that comes from the heart of someone who has been in his shoes and knows what it took for her to find the way out. I couldn't say it any better myself...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lf-repost.html

You can't fix us, we need find it on our own.