Angels123

Hi everyone,

I am new here and have read lots of posts on here and have found them such a help. However, everyone's story is can be different even though we share so much, they are also very alike.

I hope you don't mind me sharing some of my story with you as I am having a really difficult time dealing with this - I apologise now for the long post!

I am 32 years old and my father has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I am now married with two daughters to a wonderful husband. My eldest daughter was from a previous relationship who was just like my father and thankfully I realised this.

I am the only daughter and youngest of 4 older brothers. I feel that I am the reason for my father being an alcoholic as he wasn't an alcoholic until I came along.

Before I was born, he had a 5 year affair with another women and my parents temporarily split up. He begged my mum back and promised never to cheat again.

When they got back together my mother fell pregnant with me. When I was born my mum told me that he didn't seem very happy with me when I was born and especially that I was a girl as my mum really wanted a girl and he didn't seem to like that and was jealous, (I did ask her what he was like when I was born).

My earliest memories are of: parents constantly arguing, verbal abuse, sometimes physical to mother, threatened to hit me many times, father drinking whiskey morning till night, me being petrified of him. He has never showed me any affection or love, always put me down, always told me i'm just like my mother since around 5 years old, which meant i was all the names under the sun that he used to call her. He always talks about his children as his 4 boys, i'm never included, he never mentions he has a daughter. He told me again today in a drunken rage that he hates me and always has out of all his children. Why, why, why, why, why......................me?

He had another affair when I was about 6, my mum is so kind and he has destroyed her, her father too was an alocholic.

Even though I am 32 he still hurts me and it feels like it will never end. I've cried all night and that's how I found this site.

What makes it worse is my father is epileptic and eventually the drinking brings on a bout of fits and he always ends up in hospital. I have always been the one who has to be there for him not my brothers but i'm the one he hates. I try not to do it anymore and get one of his precious sons to do it because it makes me so angry.

I have lots of the characteristics written on here and I have no confidence and low self esteem due to the constant put downs from my father.

How can I stop the pain of my father hating me so much and understanding why he hates me and not my brothers???

Thanks for any support & advice, i've written loads but feel like it's just a fraction of what I feel.

My heart goes out to everyone who has parents with an addiction.

GingerM

Since this sounds like the root of many of your issues, I'll tackle this one.

Your father hates you because he's insane. Insane people do all kinds of strange things. I don't mean this lightly either. Look at his actions to various things that happen in his life - are they the actions of a sane person?

How could you hate a baby? What could a baby possibly have done to deserve hatred? This is an insane emotional response.

How can you stop the pain? You learn to accept that he is not operating under the same emotional parameters as other people. You learn to accept that he is insane, you accept that his behavior is insane, and you learn to treat the behavior/words as having to relevance to your life.

Imagine if you went into a big city and a homeless person, who was obviously not operating in the same reality as the rest of the people, came up to you and, say, started insisting that you were his wife and that you'd cheated on him and started calling you all kinds of nasty names. You wouldn't take that to heart would you? Here's a person you don't know who is obviously delusional calling you names but the names carry no weight because you know that person is not in their right mind.

Your father is not in his right mind. If you can accept that, you will come to see that his words carry no more meaning than a crazy guy on the street. Then you will be able to let go, and move forward and not have those words eat you up from the inside.

I see this is your first post. Welcome to the board. Hopefully others will come along soon and address this more. It's such a complicated issue and although I pared it down to the basics, it's so much more complicated than that, as I'm sure you're aware.

Angels123

Thanks so much for your reply, it's really comforting to know that people are here to listen and share thoughts and feelings! I feel finding this site has encouraged me to make a start at dealing with these issues that have gone on for so long and are so deep rooted. I feel there is so much to deal with and it's frightening as well as reassuring that with each day things can get better. Today, I am feeling quite numb, confused and exhaused from all the emotions. Thanks again for your support, i really do appreciate it!

blessed2be

Angels123...welcome! I too have lots of deep scars to heal and have gained much strength from this board. I share some of the same feelings you do...same sickness...different situation. I am the only child. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by my alcoholic father. He was like the face of drama....comedy/tragedy. One minute he was hilarious and fun and in the next second he would hit me for no apparent reason. I never understood why or how he could hate his only child. He had one chance with a child given to him by God and he screwed it up. My mom is totally the enabler and in denial that she is also an alcoholic. She drinks every day to "relax"....

I am currently attending al-anon meetings and they have helped so much. I agree with Gemini and need to tell myself the same thing...the dads in our lives are not operating on the same emotional level that we are. They truly are sick and there is no rationality to be gained from trying to analyze why he is the way he is toward you. The important thing to do is to learn to love yourself and not depend on that love and acceptance from your father. You have the power to spread your wings, no one can do that for you.

I am dealing right now with trying to get past all of the pain I endured as a child, both phsical and emotional. I have a really hard time separating the disease from the person. I still feel that somehow...on some level...they knew what they were doing. (guess I got a long way to go in al-anon!). I am now married seven yrs to a wonderful, normal, healthy across the board man and we have 3 beautiful children. I chose to break the cycle and you can too.

I disconnected from my parents only 3 weeks ago. I have made the choice that I am not putting myself or my family in harm's way again. Not sure if it is forever, but it is a start to taking care of myself for once.

I am sorry that you are going through what you are. Just remember that he is sick and doesn't even know what he is feeling.

Many blessings,
Jennifer

blessed2be

wanted to add that I am almost 32 as well.

GiveLove

Angels,
I nearly cried when I read this sentence of yours because it is something I thought for a long time myself, about my mother. I hope you can see, as I had to come to see, that <i>we didn't make them the way they are</i>. The three C's of addiction, don't forget: We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. People find themselves in alcoholism for many different reasons, but to take this blame on yourself is completely unfair to you. You didn't make your father an alcoholic. If he began drinking when you were born, perhaps it is because of his extreme guilt at having been unfaithful to a good human being like your mum for so long, perhaps he was so full of lies he couldn't stand himself any more, perhaps he couldn't handle the stresses HE had created in his life, perhaps many things.

You coming along was incidental. You did not do this to him. You are not in charge of how well or how poorly your father handles alcohol in his life. He is and was a grown man. You are only in charge of you.

That goes for now as well. You are in charge of you. If he chose to favor his "precious sons" when you were young, and abuse you, that is HIM, not you. Alanon and Naranon (and some good counseling) has helped me to know that what happened to me when I was a child does not have to determine my worth as a person now. I do not have to continue to be a victim -- with some help, I can decide 'to he|| with them' and get on with my good, healthy life.

Are you able to sit down with a counselor/therapist/psychologist who specializes in adult children of alcoholics? I found that to be the most valuable thing I ever did in my life, worth ten treasure chests of gold. It gave me back myself, and helped me start making better decisions about how to handle my parents' presence in my life.

And just like blessed be, I too cut off ties (for a while) while I was healing. If I were you I would consider doing the same. You do NOT need to be his sole caregiver, and if you are doing it because you think, somewhere in your subconscious heart, that if you do this he will finally see what a terrific daughter you are and apologize for all of his sins, you will wait a long long time time.

Devote that tenderness and effort to YOU, your life, your husband, your children, your healing, and stop pouring love and energy down that hole.

It is good to know you -- like you mentioned, we are so different but so much alike sometimes too!

Hugs to you, and peace of mind

GiveLove

Easeful

I really appreciate Ginger's response about thinking of your Dad as an insane person. I can't tell you how many times I've been in converstaion with people in my family who have essentially patted me on the head and said, "Your Daddy loves you." This is not how you treat people that you love.