helluvagalnva

Hi Everyone!!

Thank you Barbiedeb for the daily readings - they really help me put things in perpective.

I have been dishonest - with my boyfriend, my ex, and myself. I love both of them or atleast I think I do. My ex wants to get back together. He has been saying this since the day he left. (because I asked him too) but acting in ways which told me that's not what he really wanted. He was incapable of giving me what I wanted. He had not hit his rock bottom yet.

Now, since he's in jail, he's not drinking - has been sober for 2 months now. He looks really good almost like a different person. Anyway, he's been telling me - he realizes now that he's got a serious problem with alcohol. He always new in the back of his mind but never wanted to admit it to himself of fear of being a failure. He said that he thinks he's finally hit bottom. He say's the clarity is amazing. He knows he wants me and the kids back. He wants to give us all what we deserve and be the father and husband to us they he had never been. He tells me he's not going to push me that if it happens then this must have been God's plan along.

I accept his phone calls from jail sometimes (I don't like talking to him a lot because it's always about the same things. It seems like we've drifted so far apart - like we have nothing in common anymore except children). I know no one can answer questions that I have except me but I question my love for him. I think we've been apart for so long and I've gone on with my life without him for so long I don't know if I want to get back together. But then I feel quilty for feeling like that - like I owe him something. I know how much he truely does love me and our children. I'm afraid of hurting him so I don't tell him the whole truth about how I feel about my boyfriend or even that I'm still seeing him. But then I think about it and feel afraid to truely let go of him. I don't understand why I'm so afraid. I guess it's the dream of what we could have been or what we could be. How do I know if I still love this man and want to be with him.

I have a boyfriend of almost 2 years - we've broken up and gotten back together so many times but I do love him. But I lie to him as well. I don't tell him how I truely feel about my ex of fear of him leaving me. He says that he's angry with me because I haven't put an end to my past yet. I still haven't gotten divorced. I haven't been ready to sign and finalize my divorce yet. I guess I am afraid to let go of the past. How can I really let go of my ex and move forward in a new relationship and give it my all if I haven't gotten divorced? I can't, can I?

I never trust my own judgement or decisions. I always second guess myself. How do I really know. Then I wonder -if I make the wrong decidion then I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Gabe

And important decisions take time and prayer. It sounds like you want to make a choice between your boyfriend and your husband. Some questions to ask yourself could be:
Which of them takes up the most room in your heart?
Which of them is a better friend, partner and lover to you?
Which of them can you see yourself spending a long and happy life with?
As Kung Fu used to say, "Choose wisely Grasshopper."
Peace,
Gabe

helluvagalnva

Hi Gabe-

They were really good questions to ask myself but how can I even consider a long and happy life with an alcoholic - it changes from day to day. Some people can be happy living and dettaching from the alcoholic but not me. It's better for me living separate. So I guess there's my answer - huh.

My problem is - he might just be able to be completly sober and give me the life I've always wanted - maybe not. I guess I have to be the one who decides if I'm willing or if I believe he's worth taking that chance.

I've been so hurt by him - I don't want to ever relive that hell.

Rose56

Gal,
I identify with your difficulty in making decisions. I suffer with the same problem. I also suffer with editing my feelings depending on who I am speaking to at the time. I admire actresses such as Bette Middler, because she says what she thinks no matter the outcome. I wish I could be more like that.

I think Gabe is right, you need to take as much time as you need to decide what is best for you. Also remember, not every decision is final. If you decide to be cautious and not get back to your x, you could change your mind if the situation changes. You can only live in the current moment. I would be leary of a soberity that depends on being in jail. I would want him to have 6 months or more of soberity after he was released and tempted to go back to his old ways.

Go slow, especially when you feel the most urgency to decide, you have time. Some of us take a long time to get our life in the place we want it to be, and that's ok.

hugs, Rose

helluvagalnva

Thanks Rose,

You are right. I am leary about his sobriety while in jail. He has no other choice. But he seems really different this time. I guess they all can sound like that .... huh?

I am taking things slowly. I'm not rushing into anything. One day at a time but by doing so me and my boyfriend are growing closer and closer and I feel quilty for that - like I've done something wrong.

Thanks Rose and Gabe,
Love,
Gal

Gabe

You comment about wishing you could just say what you think all the time has inspired me to plug a book here. If any of you ladies are into humor in the first degree, I highly recommend "The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love" by Carol Conner Browne. These women are totally up-front and say what the think on just about every topic. This is not a PG-13 book, so if your humor doesn't run that way, it may not be for you. But there are some really good things in this book about being stronger and more secure in yourself as a woman. One of their simple pieces of advice..."Be particular". Now just stop and think about that for a minute. It's another way of saying "choose wisely". That means that your choices are based not on the needs of others, but on YOUR needs. I think if anyone ever creates a "Codie Boot Camp" where we all get sent to become more assertive, The Sweet Potato Queens will be the drill sargeants. And we will all be more confident and independent women once we graduate.
Peace,
Gabe

Rose56

Gabe,
Books are my thing so I run right out and get the Sweet Potato Queens. Even the title is great!

Gal,
You know in your mind that you are doing nothing wrong by growing closer to your boyfriend. Now you just have to get that heart to know this truth. When I have this trouble it is because there is a faulty belief in there somewhere, like "you are supposed to be loyal to others no matter the cost to yourself". Try to spend some quiet time to isolate the belief that makes you feel guilty for having a good relationship with someone other than your soon to be X. Once you identify the belief you can work on letting it go. I sense this is a tough time for you, that it is a key transition to a new life. You are on the cusp of a wonderful future, trust that it is there for you and that God will lead the way. Maybe journeling would help right now. My prayers are with you.
Rose.