mfisher

Threads have been posted on here before about snooping, checking phone records, cracking email passwords etc etc. We all have rationalized why we do it, needing closure, finding the truth, reality checks.
We also talk of no contact, which many of us practice to save our sanity.
So here is the head scratcher????????? Is snooping a form of contact?
Just interested in your thoughts and experiences.
I have had only had contact, meaning "face to face" "verbal" twice in the last 2 years. Yet I have "snooped" and gotten updates and information on his actions. So I guess I am still having contact. No wonder I still feel crazy sometimes. Can you really cut yourself off from someone you were married to for 23 years?

dollydo

Boy, that's some question. Maybe it makes you feel better to know what he is doing. That is the only thing I can figure out. To you, it keeps the relationship open.

For me, when I walk away, I walk away. That's just me.

Others will be posting, they probably have a better answer than I do.

Dolly

Janitw

Hey Mfisher....I was just divorced in September after 22 years and I still get some mail here for him and yea I open it too. Like you I have only talked to my ex 2 in a year and a half.....I guess we still hurt hun.

prodigal

Why do you feel you need to obtain updates and information on what he is doing? I am sure you still feel some sort of connection after being married for 23 years. I guess you can cut yourself off by putting all the good memories in a save place. Kind of like storing keepsakes in the attic. I think if you stopped getting updates on him, perhaps you would feel less of a connection. To your knowledge, do you believe he also gets updates regarding what you are doing?

StandingStrong

Is snooping a form of contact? Great question.
Seeing as how I've been guilty on both - snooping when not in contact and having initiated or continued in contact, here's my thoughts.

I consider contact as in involving both parties - whether this be face to face, talking on the phone or computer, etc.
Snooping when not in contact is not contact in the idea that there is no two parties involved in active contact - however, it's contact by one person (us) that keeps US involved with the other. It is a great example of the term "NOT letting go".

I realize sitting here that I'm really struggling with how to answer the above question - but I know how I feel about what I have done, the reasons I have done them, etc - and know how I view the snooping vs contact. Great topic, by the way!

denny57

I believe it is.

I have had some information come my way, but I don't go looking for it anymore. I expect that to stop once the divorce is final.

I do not have any interest in what AH is doing, except as it pertains to our settlement. I never believed I'd see this day.

deax

I think it's the same too. If breaking off contact is primarily for ME and my sanity and to help me let go of the obsessiveness and control I was trying to exert, then how could it be good for me to snoop and seek out information that is none of my business. I see it as me not kidding anyone but myself. He wouldn't even know I'm snooping, but I still would be- and as usual, he'd be out living his life and doing fine while I'd still be the one getting all caught up and having my day or my mood affected by what I find out.

I had the voice mail password too and while we were together I checked it every time he didn't answer his phone. When I decided to initiate no contact, I decided that was included- and believe me, it was a great source of information. I can proudly say that I haven't checked his voice mail once since I initiated the no contact, nor have I asked anyone in his family about him- and I work in the same place now as his sister in law and see his neice and nephew around the neighborhood fairly often.

My relationship was one year, which isn't even a blip on the radar of a 23-year marriage. I understand and respect that. But I think the responsibility we have to ourselves is the same-- if the ultimate goal is to truly let go (which I haven't been able to do yet, just to be clear). But ultimately, IMO, snooping would not make the no contact a wholehearted effort in what I am trying to do for myself.

TexasGirl

You know, that is an interesting question. I think that Deax is right that if we go no contact for ourselves but then also keep ourselves enmeshed, then is it that much better. Let me tell you what happened to me. There for a while, I was on a major snooping kick. MAJOR. I was literally checking his bank and credit accounts more than once daily. Eventually, I just flat got bored. It got tiring to keep seeing the same bar charges rack up. It was old to see him going out every night. My life started to move on, and I had less and less desire to find out what he was doing. It's weird...many, many days, I forget that I ever was married. And tonight, I was telling a story to a group of people about something he and I did, and it wasn't weepy. I was just sharing an encounter of something that happened. It seems like so long ago. Take care.

dogandbooklover

I've been mulling over this since I read it earlier today.

I've come up with this:

If you are divorced or no longer in a relationship then snooping would be a form of contact. The other party doesn't know and the only real reason for doing it would be out of curiosity. So it's contact on your part only.

If you are still married or in a relationship and the things you are 'snooping' in can pertain to you then I wouldn't call it 'snooping'. If your partner's actions can affect you then checking bank accounts, credit card accounts, etc. would make sense. Yes, it's contact, but it could be construed as necessary contact. However, if you are 'snooping' simply because' you are nosy then it would be considered contact especially if you have set 'no contact' boundaries.

I just re-read this and I hope it makes sense!

appleblaster

We are fantastic detectives aren't we? The FBI would be lucky to have us on their side!! Ha Ha!
Yeah, I did the snooping thing. My exabf didn't cover his tracks very well although in all of his arrogance he thought he was so slick. Sometimes it actually brought me sick joy to bust his azz. Mostly I didn't call him on the lies I uncovered snooping b/c then I would be found out. Sick, sick behavior. I am ashamed to even say I did that.
But....i'm much better now.
I was talking with a close friend about things and she said something that will stick with me forever: "If you even feel that you have to check up on someone then you shouldn't have them in your life." Something else she said was "never stay with someone if you have to explain their behavior to others." Funny, I even told my exabf that when we were in the post-relationship-trying-to-still-be-friends phase and he said it was brilliant.

lilac

Good question......I don't really know.

What I do know is that if I snoop on AH, it just makes me slide backwards in my recovery. So, maybe it is some form of contact.

Take care.

mallowcup

I think snooping is a form of validation. It is a mattr of inding reasons to stay or finding reasons to go. I turned my head to red flags that were beating me in the face when I was looking for reasons to stay. Once we seperated, I snooped. I didn't snoop for contact, I snopped for evidence.

cmc

My thoughts are about what your motives are to check, or better said- why do YOU think you do it? Another thing is that perhaps it's just natural curiosity but if that is the case I would question how curious I am, why I want to know and how I feel afterwards. If it 'starts up' the old obsessive thinking then I would have to rethink any decision to check up on somebody. If it's in my best interest to know, then checking up is not a bad thing for me to do. There is a huge difference between an occasional 'checking up' and wanting to watch someone else's every move.
I might want to check up on my addict son in a very similar way that I would check on my non using adult kids, just to see how they are. In that case it's not about an 'addict' but a person I care about.
Many of us here are detached in ways that keep us from experiencing the chaos and yet others I have known, myself included have had contact some times and it was the right thing for that time and situation.

mfisher

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I am going to stop all "snooping" and information updates. The only way to be free is to have absolutly no contact on my part. My reasons for needing to know were not healthy.

NoChoice

No contact works for me but my exah and I have a whole lot of friends who seem to want to give me updates about him, the dog, how the house looks....I found that I am well with in my rights to tell people to please not update me before they have a chance to start. I failed to do that last night and I sent my self spinning in obsession after I got an earful from an old mutual friend. It is not worth my sanity...anymore.

StandingStrong

This was true for me. I was looking for evidence. I was searching to see if he really had changed as his words were telling me. It was in snooping that I was looking for the action. I also was so tired of second guessing myself and him being so great at telling me I blew things out of proportion, that I take everything wrong, etc that I didn't even trust my own judgement anymore. In snooping, I was searching for the truth.
The reality is that the truth was right in front of me all along - I just couldn't see it (Or believe it) without the evidence.

Today - I can see the evidence without snooping. I see the action (and lack of action in our case) and I don't need to snoop anymore.

embraced2000

when i am snoopy
it makes me feel poopy
so for now
i won't spy and
i won't pry
because i don't want to be loopy.