mec

I just would like to know how I can trust again... I have a bf that is in recovery now and he spends the weekends with me to get out of the hospital for a few days. And this weekend he is going to be at my home and that is fine. But my mother wants to go shopping on Saturday that means that he will be alone for a few hours. I know I have to trust him but right now I am afraid to leave him home alone thinking that he will go and start drinking again. I have talked to my bf about my feelings and he has told me that he has desire to drink and he wants to get on with his life and not lose what he has. He knows that if he starts again that he will go to jail and that he will not get on with his life.

How do I learn to trust him?????

LiLL

Trust that he means what he says, trust that he'll do his best.
Know that other people's protection won't help an A, it has the opposite effect.

I'm learning to trust too. I feel the fear all the time (if my AH is not drinking)... but at least, I wouldn't show it.

Reading the Alanon literature will help a lot too! Wait... let me look up one of my favorite passages for you... hold on.

LiLL

One Day At A Time In AL-Anon
(March 13)

Doubts and fears that the sober alcoholic may not keep his sobriety are contrary to the Al-Anon way of thinking. Do we let ourselves doubt that "he'll make the program?" Are we uneasy when he gets home later than expected? Do we jump to conclusion that he started drinking again? This we must overcome! Such an attitude cannot be concealed and our lack of confidence can do untold damage. The person who is tyring to maintain sobriety needs our loving trust. Even if a relapse should happen, the injury is not to us, but to the unfortunate who once again was overcome by the compulsion to drink. This is a time to stand by with patience and compassion. Let us not punish the alcoholic or ourselves.

Today's Reminder
I will carefully guard my own mental sobriety. This gift from my Higher Power will express itself in a quiet, reasonable attitude, regardless of what happens.

"I pray that I may not fall into the error of anticipating trouble. If it should come, let me meet it with equanimity and love."

steady14

Trust is difficult to come by when you are affected by the painful behavior and choice made by an A that you love. The one thing you have to understand is that nothing.......nothing you do will either make him drink or keep him from drinking. This is something that only he has control of and you must accept that fact that you cannot fix him. You can only fix you.

This is perhaps the biggest obstacle to face in Al-anon. It's really step one. Admitting our powerlessness over alcohol and that it has made our lives unmanagable. We are truly powerless.

Hopefully he understands this himself if he is going to AA and has a sponsor. If he has accepted step one, he is in a better place to control his potential for relapse. There are no guarantees, but it does improve the odds.

Another hard concept to accept and practice (I struggle with this one daily) is to let go and let god. This is the understanding that we are not in control of the paths our lives take. While we make choices and decisions everyday, the ultimate destination is being guided by our higher power. You can only make choices that affect you. Your BF can only make choices that affect him. You have to let him make them.

mec

Thank you for the help... I know I should go shopping with my mom and let him prove to me that he will stay sober. I shouldn't worry, he is going to do what he is going to do and I can't stop him.... he knows that if he starts drinking again I have no option to call his PO and then he will be arrested and put back in jail. That is not what he wants, but he knows what will happen if he does drink.

So I have made up my mind, I am going shopping with mom and I am going to have a good time. I just hope that he will do the right thing.

I guess I will just have to trust and make him prove to me that he can do this. I will be very happy when I come back home and he has not been drinking. I will be the happiest woman on this earth.

Thanks again

parentrecovers

take care of yourself, the trust comes over time. it's ok to be afraid. it gets more difficult when we make the a responsible for our fears and for meeting our expectations? blessings - k

mec

Hello all,

Just wanted to give you an update on this past post. I did go shopping with my mom and I thought this is the only way that I am going to learn to trust him is to go and see what he does. So I went, had lots of fun. And when I got back home I walked in to a home where there was my BF sitting in the chair with my cat. He had not drank and I was so happy. I thought for sure that he would have ran out to the bar or the store and started drinking again. I guess he proved me wrong. I am so happy.

Thanks again to all that had responded to this.

mallowcup

I've always felt that it is mistrust that is earned. His past behavior has earned your mistrust. We have a built in self perserving core that sends out warnings when our well being is in danger. Maybe you should not be so quick to try to trust him. He is going to have to show you, reconditon you to trust him. Right now, there is no evidence that he can be trusted. He has to decide if his word has merit. Time will tell. I see nothing wring with saying, I don't trust you. That's just honest.

denny57

Only time will tell - one incident where he knows he has to "prove" to you he didn't drink is just that. Staying sober for an outside reason may lead to blame when the drinking reoccurs.

Try to keep the focus on you.

cpetropo

I just had to reply to this post. My boyfriend has been sober for 44 days today. And I am so proud of him. I know exactly the emotions you were feeling when debating on whether or not to go shopping with your mother. ANd you stressed the whole time you were gone I'm sure. When my boyfriend first came home from the inpatient program he had to do. We were together every second of the day that we weren't working. Not out of force, just out of the way our life runs. The first time he was away from me, he had left the house to do some work errands with a friend of his- This same friend was also one of his "drinking buddies" Well these errands took longer than expected, so I of course instantly panicked. My mind began to raise. I was literally sick to my stomach waiting for him to get home.

He called when he was on his way home- He could hear the nerves in my voice. And it really bothered him, that I was letting it bother me that much. When he got home- He was fine- hadn't touched alcohol, hadn't even thought about it, wasn't anywhere near it.

Long story short-I learned through this event and a few others, that you just have to trust them when they are away from you. You can't spend the whole time worrying that they are going to drink. If sober is the path they've chosen , than they will choose not to drink. My boyfriend has been in a few situations where he very well could have made that bad choice and had that drink. But everytime he has made the right choice. Whether it was calling me to come get him, so he could get out of an uncomfortable atmosphere- Or if we are out with friends- He will tell me if he wants to go home.

I no longer ask questions, or badger or worry(which is very hard not to do) the only time I even talk about anything with him in regards to that stuff is if he brings it up. And usually the only thing he'll ask is "How many days is it today babe?" I am his personal sobriety calculator. Which I am fine with.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey , and I wish your boyfriend the best too!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nuudawn

Thinking another's drinking is dependent on whether you're there to police his behaviour is a wee bit egotistical. Your best support is to allow him to make his own choices...good or bad. Then it is up to you whether YOU can live with those choices. I am a recovering alcoholic myself and the one thing that has not changed between being a drunk and being sober is my right to make my own choices. Someone hovering about fretting about what I will or will not do would have been enough to make me drink...simply to exert my right to choose.