NEW. Tips for cravings? Tips for Coping?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Manchester, England UK
Posts: 1
NEW. Tips for cravings? Tips for Coping?
Hi Everyone,
Firstly, this looks like a great forum and I want to thank whoever put it together and whoever runs it.
I am an alcoholic, drinking approximately 120 units a week up until 2 weeks ago. For the past two months I've been off work with depression.
I'm too emotionally upset right now to go into detail regarding my background, so I'll summarise as follows (this will seem strangely cold but its how I deal with it).
I guess I'm giving a summary as some sort of excuse, as we alcoholics do, however I'm not going to feel bad about that. I'm sick and tired of hating myself so if I use a forum to tell my story....so what?
When my mother conceived me, she was addicted to tranquillizers.....large doses of a drug which was subsequently removed from the market...Ativan. Noone could understand when I was born why I used to fit as a child. I would hold my breath and literally go blue, rigid and inconsolable.
I was brought up without a father, because my mother deemed it necessary to tell my father to sod off whenever he made an effort to contact me. The guy I considered to be my father for some time and who I loved dearly (for about 5 years) was replaced soon enough and so I lost him too. I was told that I cried for days and nights without him. I remember the loss, but its all a blur now.
I reestablished contact with my bio-father at 21, and he apologised profusely and at least I had a chance to voice how I felt about the abandonment. He visited me and we had a great connection. He brought me a present. I gave him a picture of me at my wedding. He was a spiritual person (as am I).
About two months later on the week he was supposed to have a second visit, I had a knock at my door. It was my mother and half sister telling me that they'd had news that my dad had been found dead in his chair.... massive heart attack. In his pocket was my picture.
I had been brought up in a cult religion. (This story hardly seems likely now I actually write it! I'm not that imaginative to make it up though...)
At 24 I had a miscarriage. My husband and I were devastated. During this time my husband was physically abusive. He didn't actually punch me, but he did scare me lots and smash up the house. He would pin me against a wall, put his hands around my neck and stuff like that. During one incident he smashed up the only present my father had ever given to me.
I left the cult at 25, my husband and first love (and only sexual partner) left me. I lost my house and went living with my sister.
This was when I started drinking heavily. I drank one bottle of wine per night. Back then, I realised this was too much, but I didn't think it would get worse. I got involved with the wrong men, and ended up yearning for my ex to want me again. He'd gone travelling around the world and left me with nothing.
He returned from his travels and he met me outside of my work. He looked good. Long and short of it, I took him back. I found out later that it was a bad idea. The relationship had always been tainted by violence and rather than it becoming healthy, it deteriorated into an even worse type of game playing.
Basically when I took him back I knew I didn't want the violence, so I mistakenly thought that being strong and being hard in return would work. Therefore if he was harsh with me, I was equally harsh in return, until we both backed down and comforted each other. There were good times, don't get me wrong, but underlying it was a horrid sense of mistrust.
I drank during this time, but I didn't drink more than one bottle of wine per night. Still excessive, but I still told myself that it was normal.
After bad drinking binges on both our parts, arguments would escalate. The next day we blamed the booze, and not our failing relationship.
Then, I got diagnosed with cancer. I'd had a small lesion on my arm which turned out to be malignant melanoma. I was told if I'd waited 6 to 12 months I'd have been in a very bad situation (likely to die) but since I got it sorted within a few months I had a 50/50 chance of it spreading to other areas of my body.
I clung to my old guy in order to cope. I knew we had major differences, but I was dealing with potential death so "what the hell"?
I drank also, still just one bottle a night, but now....sometimes more....because well f**k it! I might be dead anyway?!
Cutting the story of the cancer short, because I could write an essay on the subject, I had three operations and lots of waiting for results but basically it turned out I was OK. Just recently though, they found a cyst on my liver (incidentally one of the places melanoma spreads to) and they're needing to re-scan very soon (next month).
So I was with my guy again and yes, it didn't work. He left me for another woman years later. Not before I'd had another miscarriage. The second miscarriage was slightly worse than the first, in different ways. It was later, and harder.
It was another three years later, and I was now 30. I had already started drinking much more and attended AA.
My God. AA is amazing. I love it. I knew as soon as I walked through those doors that it was the place for me. I found understanding....but not because I interacted with anyone. Just because I heard their stories and I knew they knew.....they knew what it was like.
Hey hasn't this story been long considering I was supposed to be giving you a summary?!
When he left me, just last year, I had stopped drinking for two months. For him. At the end of those two months I took an overdose and was in hospital.
Now I've met a wonderful man. The most wonderful man ever. But just the other day, after days of sobriety, I drank and cut my arm to pieces.
I didn't cut wrists......just my arm.
I don't want to die but self harming was what I did.
Any advice would be welcome.....I know I have to do it myself but advice is greatfully appreciated.
HetHert
Firstly, this looks like a great forum and I want to thank whoever put it together and whoever runs it.
I am an alcoholic, drinking approximately 120 units a week up until 2 weeks ago. For the past two months I've been off work with depression.
I'm too emotionally upset right now to go into detail regarding my background, so I'll summarise as follows (this will seem strangely cold but its how I deal with it).
I guess I'm giving a summary as some sort of excuse, as we alcoholics do, however I'm not going to feel bad about that. I'm sick and tired of hating myself so if I use a forum to tell my story....so what?
When my mother conceived me, she was addicted to tranquillizers.....large doses of a drug which was subsequently removed from the market...Ativan. Noone could understand when I was born why I used to fit as a child. I would hold my breath and literally go blue, rigid and inconsolable.
I was brought up without a father, because my mother deemed it necessary to tell my father to sod off whenever he made an effort to contact me. The guy I considered to be my father for some time and who I loved dearly (for about 5 years) was replaced soon enough and so I lost him too. I was told that I cried for days and nights without him. I remember the loss, but its all a blur now.
I reestablished contact with my bio-father at 21, and he apologised profusely and at least I had a chance to voice how I felt about the abandonment. He visited me and we had a great connection. He brought me a present. I gave him a picture of me at my wedding. He was a spiritual person (as am I).
About two months later on the week he was supposed to have a second visit, I had a knock at my door. It was my mother and half sister telling me that they'd had news that my dad had been found dead in his chair.... massive heart attack. In his pocket was my picture.
I had been brought up in a cult religion. (This story hardly seems likely now I actually write it! I'm not that imaginative to make it up though...)
At 24 I had a miscarriage. My husband and I were devastated. During this time my husband was physically abusive. He didn't actually punch me, but he did scare me lots and smash up the house. He would pin me against a wall, put his hands around my neck and stuff like that. During one incident he smashed up the only present my father had ever given to me.
I left the cult at 25, my husband and first love (and only sexual partner) left me. I lost my house and went living with my sister.
This was when I started drinking heavily. I drank one bottle of wine per night. Back then, I realised this was too much, but I didn't think it would get worse. I got involved with the wrong men, and ended up yearning for my ex to want me again. He'd gone travelling around the world and left me with nothing.
He returned from his travels and he met me outside of my work. He looked good. Long and short of it, I took him back. I found out later that it was a bad idea. The relationship had always been tainted by violence and rather than it becoming healthy, it deteriorated into an even worse type of game playing.
Basically when I took him back I knew I didn't want the violence, so I mistakenly thought that being strong and being hard in return would work. Therefore if he was harsh with me, I was equally harsh in return, until we both backed down and comforted each other. There were good times, don't get me wrong, but underlying it was a horrid sense of mistrust.
I drank during this time, but I didn't drink more than one bottle of wine per night. Still excessive, but I still told myself that it was normal.
After bad drinking binges on both our parts, arguments would escalate. The next day we blamed the booze, and not our failing relationship.
Then, I got diagnosed with cancer. I'd had a small lesion on my arm which turned out to be malignant melanoma. I was told if I'd waited 6 to 12 months I'd have been in a very bad situation (likely to die) but since I got it sorted within a few months I had a 50/50 chance of it spreading to other areas of my body.
I clung to my old guy in order to cope. I knew we had major differences, but I was dealing with potential death so "what the hell"?
I drank also, still just one bottle a night, but now....sometimes more....because well f**k it! I might be dead anyway?!
Cutting the story of the cancer short, because I could write an essay on the subject, I had three operations and lots of waiting for results but basically it turned out I was OK. Just recently though, they found a cyst on my liver (incidentally one of the places melanoma spreads to) and they're needing to re-scan very soon (next month).
So I was with my guy again and yes, it didn't work. He left me for another woman years later. Not before I'd had another miscarriage. The second miscarriage was slightly worse than the first, in different ways. It was later, and harder.
It was another three years later, and I was now 30. I had already started drinking much more and attended AA.
My God. AA is amazing. I love it. I knew as soon as I walked through those doors that it was the place for me. I found understanding....but not because I interacted with anyone. Just because I heard their stories and I knew they knew.....they knew what it was like.
Hey hasn't this story been long considering I was supposed to be giving you a summary?!
When he left me, just last year, I had stopped drinking for two months. For him. At the end of those two months I took an overdose and was in hospital.
Now I've met a wonderful man. The most wonderful man ever. But just the other day, after days of sobriety, I drank and cut my arm to pieces.
I didn't cut wrists......just my arm.
I don't want to die but self harming was what I did.
Any advice would be welcome.....I know I have to do it myself but advice is greatfully appreciated.
HetHert
Sober and Free
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: bay area CA
Posts: 398
It sounds as if you are right the right path. One question I would ask if you would intentionally hurt yourself sober? Either way, perhaps counceling would help along with AA.
Many of us fall. You need to pick yourself back up. and start again. Strengthen your program, get a sponsor, and work it.
Many of us fall. You need to pick yourself back up. and start again. Strengthen your program, get a sponsor, and work it.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I'm echoing Brandi. I, too, knew as soon as I started to really listen to people sharing that I was in the right place. If it could work for them, it could work for me.
And it has.
It can work for you, too.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
And it has.
It can work for you, too.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 31
"One question I would ask if you would intentionally hurt yourself sober? "
Ofcourse I don't know how the OP feels about this. I'd still like to say, as a long term self-harmer, that it seems I always find a way to damage myself, drunk or sober. I personally find SH more effective without alcohol, as I can feel it 'better'
In one sense, aren't all the alcoholics here self-harmers? Many may not take a blade to themselves, but are still harming themselves.
I couln't resist posting about this, as its so rare to be able to mention this kind of thing in 'real life'
HetHert, I love AA also, eveb though I am very new to it. I have been told quite a few time that I was brave to go and keep going to meetings, but I don't feel its like that for me, it isn't frightening its amazing,stunning and brilliant.
You sound as though you are a strong person, to have survived all those things and are still trying to recover. I hope you keep going and hoping.
Hugs to you and your wonderful new man.
Ofcourse I don't know how the OP feels about this. I'd still like to say, as a long term self-harmer, that it seems I always find a way to damage myself, drunk or sober. I personally find SH more effective without alcohol, as I can feel it 'better'
In one sense, aren't all the alcoholics here self-harmers? Many may not take a blade to themselves, but are still harming themselves.
I couln't resist posting about this, as its so rare to be able to mention this kind of thing in 'real life'
HetHert, I love AA also, eveb though I am very new to it. I have been told quite a few time that I was brave to go and keep going to meetings, but I don't feel its like that for me, it isn't frightening its amazing,stunning and brilliant.
You sound as though you are a strong person, to have survived all those things and are still trying to recover. I hope you keep going and hoping.
Hugs to you and your wonderful new man.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Meadville PA
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for sharing your story. If you do anything at this moment please do not beat yourself up about the harm you did to your arm. You mentioned that you do not want to die and I believe you. It seems more as if you don't want to live the life you are living (alcohol in the midst of it) and cutting yourself was a way to get out that cry for actualization but this is just my interpretation. I think it is important for you to discover your own interpretation and go from there.
In the meantime, take care and sometimes when one day at a time seems overwhelming one breath at a time is just as successful
In the meantime, take care and sometimes when one day at a time seems overwhelming one breath at a time is just as successful
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: muskegon MI
Posts: 8
Hey you guys, she said she cut her arm after drinking when she wasn't sober. Holy cow! This is very intense and please don't leave this world because of others abusing you. I am a published writer of poetry so when I posted on here the first time they notice that poetic style and I don't expect much reply. But I love to read for hours on end on here and nobody knows that this place helps me. But I know because I am still here.
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