Did I say the right thing?
Chaotically Peaceful
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Did I say the right thing?
My DH and I just celebrated 7 years of marriage yesterday. When we went to dinner, the topic turned to his drinking and thoughts on recovery. DH told me that he was scared of sobriety because he didn't know what friends he would have left (as they all drink...to excess) and what he would do for fun, as all of the activities he does with his "friend" revolve heavily around drinking (I tend to feel that drinking is always the primary activity with various peripheral activities occurring...1 hour of softball...5 hours of drinking in the parking lot, etc).
I told him that MY answers to those questions are: of course you'll have friends and of course you can still golf and fish and hunt and play softball with them. You just won't drink while you are doing it. But, I told him that my answers won't work for him, as I am not an alcoholic. I went on to say that only through connecting with other people who have been/are in his position can he begin to find his own answers.
I ended by telling him that I love him very much and hope that we find ourselves celebrating 8 years of marriage next year, but that unless he really works toward finding those answers for himself, there is a strong chance that we won't be. He nodded, we changed the subject and went on to have a very nice evening.
I have to tell you that it felt so foreign not to be preaching at him and dwelling on the specific events that led up to the latest crisis. Am I on the right track here? Because it feels pretty good.
I told him that MY answers to those questions are: of course you'll have friends and of course you can still golf and fish and hunt and play softball with them. You just won't drink while you are doing it. But, I told him that my answers won't work for him, as I am not an alcoholic. I went on to say that only through connecting with other people who have been/are in his position can he begin to find his own answers.
I ended by telling him that I love him very much and hope that we find ourselves celebrating 8 years of marriage next year, but that unless he really works toward finding those answers for himself, there is a strong chance that we won't be. He nodded, we changed the subject and went on to have a very nice evening.
I have to tell you that it felt so foreign not to be preaching at him and dwelling on the specific events that led up to the latest crisis. Am I on the right track here? Because it feels pretty good.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: The South
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by SKW 
My DH and I just celebrated 7 years of marriage yesterday. When we went to dinner, the topic turned to his drinking and thoughts on recovery. DH told me that he was scared of sobriety because he didn't know what friends he would have left (as they all drink...to excess) and what he would do for fun, as all of the activities he does with his "friend" revolve heavily around drinking (I tend to feel that drinking is always the primary activity with various peripheral activities occurring...1 hour of softball...5 hours of drinking in the parking lot, etc).
I told him that MY answers to those questions are: of course you'll have friends and of course you can still golf and fish and hunt and play softball with them. You just won't drink while you are doing it. But, I told him that my answers won't work for him, as I am not an alcoholic. I went on to say that only through connecting with other people who have been/are in his position can he begin to find his own answers.
I ended by telling him that I love him very much and hope that we find ourselves celebrating 8 years of marriage next year, but that unless he really works toward finding those answers for himself, there is a strong chance that we won't be. He nodded, we changed the subject and went on to have a very nice evening.
I have to tell you that it felt so foreign not to be preaching at him and dwelling on the specific events that led up to the latest crisis. Am I on the right track here? Because it feels pretty good.
I told him that MY answers to those questions are: of course you'll have friends and of course you can still golf and fish and hunt and play softball with them. You just won't drink while you are doing it. But, I told him that my answers won't work for him, as I am not an alcoholic. I went on to say that only through connecting with other people who have been/are in his position can he begin to find his own answers.
I ended by telling him that I love him very much and hope that we find ourselves celebrating 8 years of marriage next year, but that unless he really works toward finding those answers for himself, there is a strong chance that we won't be. He nodded, we changed the subject and went on to have a very nice evening.
I have to tell you that it felt so foreign not to be preaching at him and dwelling on the specific events that led up to the latest crisis. Am I on the right track here? Because it feels pretty good.
To me, it sounds like you handled the situation quite well. After all, what other answers could you possibly give to the questions you were asked?
If you had a very nice evening and you are feeling good about how you responded, not preaching, etc. then I'd say that:
YES, you are on the right track.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
OHHHHH YES
I think you did beautifully..... that is what recovery is about. Its not the preaching and anger.... its the quiet moments of love and pain that define the relationship.
I soooooo hope you get 8 years.
I think you did beautifully..... that is what recovery is about. Its not the preaching and anger.... its the quiet moments of love and pain that define the relationship.
I soooooo hope you get 8 years.
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