newenglandgirl

hi all.

I posted a question a few days ago about whether or not to tell AH's parents about the situation. The idea I got after reading your responses were that I should not tell them, and let him go through his illness with dignity (the dignity to choose when enough's enough).

I've been chewing on this a lot.

I'm beginning to think that I should tell everyone: his parents and mine and maybe even his boss.

I am thinking the only reason I have not told them yet is because I am scared to do it. I'm scared to see the reaction on our parents' faces. I'm scared to get him in trouble at work (even though he's doing a pretty good job of that on his own with missing so many days).

I am beginning to wonder if my NOT telling our parents is part of my enabling. I.E. keeping it secret.

Even if this is the end of our marriage, isn't the right thing to do to sound every alarm there is? I mean the man is drinking 15-25 oz of booze a day, not to mention wine also, in a little room by himself. He's gonna die!

I'm so confused. I'm off to see my therapist. I know she thinks I should tell at least my parents.

McGoolie

I didn't see your original post so I don't know the extent of the problems you've been having.

I have a close friend who was the only one IRL I ever discussed my husband's alcoholism with. I think it was partially because I didn't want to embarass him and also because I didn't want people to think that *I* was so pathetic as to stay with someone who was often out of control.

I think you should talk to your parents if you think they can be a support to you and maybe you should talk to his parents if you think they are truly clueless about it. They probably have an inkling that there is a problem, though.

I'd also tell your husband if you plan to go to your family with this.

newenglandgirl

Yes, I relate totally. I am so embarrassed. Totally ashamed.

Thanks for the input. I don't know what to do. But I think you're right that I should let him know that I'm going to tell them.

mallowcup

I think you need to tell someone. In the end it why we tell that matters. I think we want to tell those who we think can help or change things. No one can, but we don't know that at the time. In the end the more friends and family that know, the more are preoccupied by it. The more are hurt by it. They know anyway. They know something is wrong, something is there. This is a good place to tell someone. If telling them makes you feel validated, you should. My mother-in-law is a master enabler. She thinks she's helping by bailing her sons out of thousands of dollars of alcohol trouble over the years. She misdirects the frustration she feels by blaming the string of wives and girlfriends her sons hurt along the way. These two men drive off good women with their drinking but my husbands mother preceived the whole thing as these women driving her sons to drink. That's how it is. She is not a praying woman. She is a secular woman whos problems are managed within the confines of her limitations. I know that when I came to the point of neding to tell, it was the first step toward my exit, as if it were an explanation of some sort. I wasn't telling of a tiff over alcohol on Saturday night, I was purging a years of pain that I had smashed down into my own soul. There simply was no more room.

vujade

All I can do is tell you my own personal experience. I have taken the route of telling DH's parents and my parents. It had these results:

1. It made DH feel angry and embarrassed and made him point the finger at me for being a control freak.

2. It got my in-laws into a fight.

3. My husband was pestered and lost credibility when he relapsed.

4. I resembled Chicken Little.

5. It had NO positive lasting effect on my husband's drinking.

I had to ask myself why I felt compelled to spread the word. I realized that my hope was to make it "real" for my husband - to FORCE him into recovery because everyone would be aware of his problem and he would HAVE to do something about it. But it doesn't work that way.

What I have done since is talk to our parents and tell them not what HE is doing, but what *I* am doing. I want our families to understand my recovery...why I am not buying his family birthday or Christmas gifts on his behalf...why I might not attend every family gathering...why I may appear to be seperating myself. DH's actions are now his own, and mine are mine.

If you feel that he parents need to know the extent of his drinking just so they are aware of the health issues...as his PARENTS...then I would think that is a good reason (in my case, DH's mother has known for quite some time, as her H is an A, too) But do be very clear with yourself as to what you hope for as a result.

dogandbooklover

In my own experiece with an alcoholic husband telling his parents is useless. Telling them anything about anything is useless. Plus, my husband's father is a miserable alcoholic himself. My Christopher is so different from him, but an alcoholic none-the-less. We keep away from his parents, especially his mother, she is toxic. Telling my parents wouldn't much help because all they would want to do is pray over it and say everything will get better. Not that there is one single thing wrong with praying, it's just that more is needed than prayer. Plus my mother has her own addictions and just doesn't 'get it' most of the time.

So, after all of that, I'd say if you feel the need to tell someone then find someone who can help YOU. Because chances are telling people who you think can help your husband really can't. But if you seek out someone who can help you then it might be worth it.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's easier said than done, but at least try.

HolyQow

I like this. I did tell my M-I-L that I dreaded the weekends, and explained why. "he is drunk by noon" "he will start a fight about anything by 3" "and he will be passed out by 7 after refusing to come to dinner because he will still be mad from 3"...... So instead, I think it would have been better to say that I dreaded the weekends because I will become resentful that I have to handle everything for the kids,him,dinner,groceries and an arguement will soon follow all of that. It would also explain alot of why my MIL thinks that I don't like her now....if I could have explained how I am detaching from situations, and like you said, it may appear to look like I am separating myself...then maybe she wouldn't have taken it as personal when I declined a few visits to her house. And yes, she knows her son is an A.....and from the two posts here, I am seeing a common bond, that each of these alcoholics have an alcoholic father. My AH too. And what I am also noticing is how we totally dislike how our AH's mom handles (or acts like it isnt there) the problem. And just doesn't get why we are having a problem with "it"...... maybe that's why we are feeling the need to explain ourselves to them. Second guessing ourselves, like "well they have been married 49 years and she doesn't have a problem, so why should I ?" ... that's my train of thought anyways, she doesn't see the problem, so I think that she thinks that I am the problem.....I got to stop trying to figure out what others think....don't ya think? lol funny, but true. Sometimes, we find out that what they think is totally different.

It matters what I think, and it's none of my business what others think of me....

someone else here said that, and I believe it completely.

Grasshopper

Of course everyone must do what they think is best.
I told my in-laws,and the war began.They went against me big time.Blood IS,thicker than water...It took many years to heal that rift between us.I told them because i thought that they could help him.I thought that he would listen to them.Didnt work out that way.
That ole saying,the path that leads to hell is paved with good intentions,yup,this is how it worked out for me.

losinghim

I wanted to tell the in-laws and they asked me instead. I was grateful and they are really concerned. But he is sooo angry that I don't know if he'll get over it. He didn't want anyone to know his problem because he doesn't want to face it. So I gave him one more thing to hate me for instead of looking inward at himself. Think long and hard about it...

newenglandgirl

After discussing the situation more with my therapist, I decided I needed to tell MY parents. It went well and they were/are very supportive about the whole situation. My father wants to tell my FIL asap about what it going on with his son. I am still very scared about doing this. I don't care if my inlaws hate me. That is not my concern. I honestly just want to get my husband into treatment. My father now believes that HE has a responsibility to tell my FIL. So I think the decision may be totally out of my hands. My FIL is out of town, so the anxiety of what will happens when he finds out is going to be spread out over a week until he gets home. ugh.
I am very concerned that my AH's recovery could actually be harmed by his father knowing. I do not know if he could ever recover from the shame and guilt it will cause. But I also don't see how we can possibly keep this a secret for much longer.

mallowcup

I don't understand why your fatehr feels a responsibility to tell your husbands father. Your father can talk to whomever he wants but If your father has any responsibility, it is to talk man to man with your husband. Just my opinion.

newenglandgirl

I suppose he feels a responsibility to inform a parent that their child (my AH) is in danger and needs help. Don't you think that makes sense?

Pick-a-name

Good responses on the inlaw situation,so I'll leave that alone for now.

At one point I did mention it to my AH's business partner because I thought I had a responsibility to do so. The owned and ran a multi-million dollar company that employed about 20 other people and most of it revolved around AH's sales. AH was also in charge of the financial end of the day to day running of the business. (They have since sold the business and work for the new owner and this man has recently been named district manager so he is now AH's "boss"). I am glad I did it because I felt a moaral obligation to state the bare facts (he is an alcoholic). Oddly enough,this partner said his bestfriend is an A in long-term recovery and his advice was for me to seek out AlAnon. (seems like HP was involved there).


I do not talk or interfer with the new boss and some of the things going on there now.........would actually "dilute" their credibility pointing to the fact that something is wrong, because I could be again blamed as "exagerating"..haha I have no real reason to ,either. If asked about the subject,however (and I have been) I answer the question truthfully..even if the answer is "I don't know".
Good luck

p.s. Alcoholism is genetic so often it is also part of the family dynamics and many hesitate to put a spotlight on behavior that is too close to their own OR see nothing wrong with it. Actually,AH's behavior with HIS family is probably the least alcoholic-looking on the surface. (He saves it for home with only immediate family knowing the truth. He is a very controlled man who still often presents the image he wants presented.)

newenglandgirl

Has anyone ever told the inlaws and got a positive/helpful/productive results?

dogandbooklover

Yes, this makes sense. And you are right. If your dad feels a responsibility to tell your FIL then it is out of your hands. If you have learned anything from this it is that you can not control another person's actions.

LiLL

My in-laws knew about my AH's problem before i did. They didn't tell me. They asked AH to tell me himself. I don't know if it would have made some difference if i knew earlier. I probably wouldn't have innocently served AH beer even he didn't ask for it.

If you think you need to tell your in-laws, go ahead. Maybe you can arrange an intervention session together under professional guidance? Tell them where they can learn more about the desease and find support too.

I have also told a few friends IRL about my AH's problem (those i really trust and won't spread the words). I needed to, because I felt like I was living in denial and I really needed support. AH once asked me if I have told any of my friends about his desease. I told him I did, and he said he would never want to see those people again. Well, fine with me.

GlassPrisoner

Unless these people don't interface on a routine basis with the alcoholic, chances are they know already.

I always though I was keeping it "under wraps". Not.

KatyKate

I saw three reasons for involving his parents (and mine). One - if it were my adult child going through this, I would want to know. Two - if he ends up dead and they didn't know, they're going to be angry that they weren't told. Three - I needed the support. In my situation, it has worked in my favor involving my parents and his, he has more accountability now, although as many have already said, it has complicated the issue somewhat and made him more angry and resentful. My parents are my refuse and my sounding board. Their house is where I go when I take my kids and leave. I couldn't go through this without them. Good luck.

mallowcup

I think you should tell them, not your father. When a matter of this nature comes up, sensativity to the person you are telling is important. If my adult son were an alcoholic and my daugter-in-laws father came to talk to me about it, I would wonder why my daughter-in- law didn't? Why would all these people know before me? If the reason for telling them is concern, why wasn't I the first person told? This is important. It is very easy to confuse a "support group" with "allies".

newenglandgirl

My father thinks that my FIL will be inclined to take the news more seriously if it comes from him. Not that I am not a respected person, but the fact that my father is involved will theoretically relay the seriousness of the situation.