jacksdaughter

Heard now from both parens the AD and the Enabling Mom. Both have been to AA and Alanon meetings and say they feel strongly that this is helping. Want my sister and me to come to dinner at their house on Sunday. I'm a little hesitant as this will be the first time I have seen them since the hospital incident before Christmas. Any advice?? Little nervous about the possible drama, guilt trips etc...

elizabeth1979

Hey there!

I have had similar issues with my parents requesting dinner and such.
What works for me is to maintain my boundries and always remember I can get up and leave anytime I want. I have to remember I am not a child and I do not have to 'obey' them or participate in disfunction.

I keep these meeting short and always have another place I have to be afterwards. Oh, and for me- I dont discuss anyones recovery with them. Not my reovery, my moms enabling, or my dads drinking.

Do you have a list of things you are willing and unwilling to discuss with them?

I found that having an off limits discussion list of sorts, has really helped me.

jacksdaughter

A list is a good idea. I'm seeing my sister tonight maybe we can brainstorm on something to this end. Thank you good advice. I'm sure as you know, living with dysfunction for so so long you don't know what normal is and for some reason even though we are no longer children, hey I'm a grandmother, you still somehow feel like a child, don't get that one yet. AGain thank you!

DesertEyes

Hey there jacksdaughter,

Great suggestions from elizabeth1979. As an aside, I'm a grandpa. Got 4 grandkids that are the coolest ever. One of 'em just started college. They grow way too fast. I always felt like a child around my biological parents too. Eventually I felt sad for them, and how miserable they were. I never did feel "love" for them, although many other people have.

If you want feel free to share your list here with us. I'd love to see what you can come up with as I still have work to do on setting boundaries in general.

Mike

jacksdaughter

Well we didn't actually come up with a list but did discuss some ideas one being to change the first visit from dinner to dessert and coffee thus eliminating any idea that they might want to serve us wine or something and we don't want that at this point. Also will be less stressful I think for everyone. If for any reason it gets too uncomfortable or the guilt trips start flying (in our direction of course), it will be time to leave. I am truly trying to distance myself somewhat from the day in day out stuff with them. It has been endless guilt for as long now as I can remember. Im sure you all know the drill, don't calll enough, never do enough, no gift is ever anything special etc etc... who needs this. Maybe if they do ever get well this will change but I'm not banking on it. It is way too early in their recovery as they have just started going to meetings etc.

Mike, hope this helps somewhat let me know of any ideas you have.

GingerM

I think changing it to dessert is a good idea. I also agree with Elizabeth, have "somewhere else you have to be" lined up in advance. Even if it's a lie.

And worst case scenario, if the same old stuff starts as soon as you arrive, simply say "I don't care to discuss this". If they don't listen and persist, tell them "I said I don't care to discuss this, and if you can't let it drop, I will have to leave". Then leave if they don't stop.

Stay centered on YOU. Know that you are now an adult, you don't have to put up with this if you don't want to. If necessary, repeat to yourself "I am an adult, I can make my own decisions about what I choose to put up with". If you can keep that in the fore of your mind, you will be able to wave them off easier.

jacksdaughter

All your helpful ideas are greatly appreciated.. thank you. I just hope I can help someone as much and I keep reading..

blessed2be

You definitely are helping with your posts. My situation is so very close. However, I have chosen to have no contact whatsoever with my father (very abusive man even before alcohol ever entered his life) and am staying away until my mother breaks out of denial that they even have a problem (both are Alcoholics/addicts). I don't plan to call and have left the ball in their court. Have to tell ya...it is so freeing. I have set my boundary and sticking to it. I haven't really felt this good in years. It isn't easy, but the good thing is that even if I wanted to call...I wouldn't know what to say anyway. That helps me to stay away. Good luck with the visit. Stay strong! Let us know how it goes.