the hardest thing i've ever had to do
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
the hardest thing i've ever had to do
I've been reading a lot here and progressing a lot.
Things have catapulted dramatically in the last twenty four hours and now I would like more advise.
he took it upon himself to pack up and leave. The hardest thing i ever had to do was let him go. I was starting to feel hate, anger, resentment towards him and after hours of crying I realize I may now have a trump card.
I will explain what happened over the catastrophic weekend that led to that earlier ugly confrontation.
He's had a difficult time adjusting after returning from sea and has had to deal with something called dockrock of being on a boat for a long period of time and feeling unsteady on solid ground.
He's also had to deal with the anxiety of not having any alcohol to cope.
His temper and rage has been mounting and he has been becoming ugly and scary. On saturday he totally lost it. He got so mad at something stupid that he took a leather office chair and VIOLENTLY SMASHED it through my condo window. Totally destroying it.
It has gone from small to grand in no time. Back before he left when had his alcohol poisoning he trashed my kitchen. Now he's ruined my window which will cost anywhere between $2,000 to $5,000. I live in a completely glass building to give you an idea., Luckily I have the deck so no equipment needed.
He swears up and down that he will pay for it. I'm scared he won't but the one reason I put up with him for so long was because he knew right from wrong, he knew when he was an *******, he always tried to do right. But he HAS AN ADDICTION. But yes, I am scared he might skip out on me. If it weren't for the anxiety of alcohol withdrawl and if he were on meds he would be a decent person that i know he can be. I don't think my father has home owner's insurance on the condo and I want james to take full responsibility for his temper and realize he can't cope. i think he is starting to see that with the total destruction he's brought to my life.
Lately, I have been feeling more depressed than usual. I'm seriously thinking about upping my meds or maybe its situational I don't know.
Do any of you have suggestions? One of my friends said that this might be the one salvation of our relationship and to start over. For him to focus on himself, learn new coping skills and maybe save us.
any ideas if you were me?
Since we've been talking about songs, one that runs in my head right now is, "The first cut" By Cheryl Crow.
Susan
Things have catapulted dramatically in the last twenty four hours and now I would like more advise.
he took it upon himself to pack up and leave. The hardest thing i ever had to do was let him go. I was starting to feel hate, anger, resentment towards him and after hours of crying I realize I may now have a trump card.
I will explain what happened over the catastrophic weekend that led to that earlier ugly confrontation.
He's had a difficult time adjusting after returning from sea and has had to deal with something called dockrock of being on a boat for a long period of time and feeling unsteady on solid ground.
He's also had to deal with the anxiety of not having any alcohol to cope.
His temper and rage has been mounting and he has been becoming ugly and scary. On saturday he totally lost it. He got so mad at something stupid that he took a leather office chair and VIOLENTLY SMASHED it through my condo window. Totally destroying it.
It has gone from small to grand in no time. Back before he left when had his alcohol poisoning he trashed my kitchen. Now he's ruined my window which will cost anywhere between $2,000 to $5,000. I live in a completely glass building to give you an idea., Luckily I have the deck so no equipment needed.
He swears up and down that he will pay for it. I'm scared he won't but the one reason I put up with him for so long was because he knew right from wrong, he knew when he was an *******, he always tried to do right. But he HAS AN ADDICTION. But yes, I am scared he might skip out on me. If it weren't for the anxiety of alcohol withdrawl and if he were on meds he would be a decent person that i know he can be. I don't think my father has home owner's insurance on the condo and I want james to take full responsibility for his temper and realize he can't cope. i think he is starting to see that with the total destruction he's brought to my life.
Lately, I have been feeling more depressed than usual. I'm seriously thinking about upping my meds or maybe its situational I don't know.
Do any of you have suggestions? One of my friends said that this might be the one salvation of our relationship and to start over. For him to focus on himself, learn new coping skills and maybe save us.
any ideas if you were me?
Since we've been talking about songs, one that runs in my head right now is, "The first cut" By Cheryl Crow.
Susan
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
yikes
That would scare the pee out of me. I think you're doing the right thing. Let him go and think and think some more. Maybe he's not allowed in your place until he gets (serious) help. You don't want to be on the window end of that situation next time. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
HHTexas....
I told him I told security we were arguing. They are going to fix the window tomorrow and I don't think he wanted to be here.
I hope he gets help. I tried to push and push how serious this was. The security guy told me, "What's stopping him from throwing you out the window next???
"
I told him I told security we were arguing. They are going to fix the window tomorrow and I don't think he wanted to be here.
I hope he gets help. I tried to push and push how serious this was. The security guy told me, "What's stopping him from throwing you out the window next???
"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
What do you mean when you say you have a "trump card?"
My only suggestion is to take some steps to take care of you. The only person he can save is himself and the only person you can save is yourself. Then two people who have taken care of themselves can try to take care of any relationship that might remain.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
My only suggestion is to take some steps to take care of you. The only person he can save is himself and the only person you can save is yourself. Then two people who have taken care of themselves can try to take care of any relationship that might remain.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I doubt upping your meds will eradicate your depression. Antidepressants help level us out, but I've never known of any that "cure" depression, no matter how much you take. My gosh, you have a violent person in your life who is destroying YOUR property. That in itself is enough to make someone depressed, to say the least!
Unless he gets help FOR HIMSELF there is no trump card in this deal. In fact, the cards you are currently holding are a losing hand. If anybody ever threw furniture through my window, I'd have the cops on the scene in a heartbeat.
At this moment, what are you hoping to salvage? I have said this many times, and at the risk of being sickeningly redundant, I will say it again: "...but he's such a NICE GUY if only he'd quit drinking, and/or drugging" may be true. But your hapiness and relationship success cannot hinge on his getting his act together. That's about HIM not about YOU. He is an addict. He is not seeking help. He is sick. Your staying involved in this situation, for the time being, is making you lose your perspective and it's making you sick.
What is, is WHAT IS.
Unless he gets help FOR HIMSELF there is no trump card in this deal. In fact, the cards you are currently holding are a losing hand. If anybody ever threw furniture through my window, I'd have the cops on the scene in a heartbeat.
At this moment, what are you hoping to salvage? I have said this many times, and at the risk of being sickeningly redundant, I will say it again: "...but he's such a NICE GUY if only he'd quit drinking, and/or drugging" may be true. But your hapiness and relationship success cannot hinge on his getting his act together. That's about HIM not about YOU. He is an addict. He is not seeking help. He is sick. Your staying involved in this situation, for the time being, is making you lose your perspective and it's making you sick.
What is, is WHAT IS.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Yes, I have a suggestion, get rid of him.
He is sick, he will not see the error of his ways. He does not care about the destruction he has brought to your life.
You are living in a lets pretend world, time to step into reality and get/keep him the h*ll out of there before he kills you.
Dolly
He is sick, he will not see the error of his ways. He does not care about the destruction he has brought to your life.
You are living in a lets pretend world, time to step into reality and get/keep him the h*ll out of there before he kills you.
Dolly
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Get this person out of your life now. As Denny said, you MUST save yourself. Give him and his addictions over to God. His problem is beyond any human power. It it very, very hard to detach from someone we are attached to (and believe we love). Love should feel like love...plain and simple. The only way you are going to start getting better is by starting to make decisions that are good for you. It takes self control to let people go (oddly enough, it takes incredible self control to rid ourselves of the most toxic when we are sick ourselves).
For years I have heard or read that we can't truly love until we love ourselves. I never really understood what that meant. I thought I loved myself enough. HEH! I had no idea how abusive to me I truly was...anytime you make a toxic choice...man not in control of himself (addict), personal substance abuse, emotional eating/overeating etc...anything that makes you kick yourself later is not loving yourself..it's punishing. Stop punishing yourself.
For years I have heard or read that we can't truly love until we love ourselves. I never really understood what that meant. I thought I loved myself enough. HEH! I had no idea how abusive to me I truly was...anytime you make a toxic choice...man not in control of himself (addict), personal substance abuse, emotional eating/overeating etc...anything that makes you kick yourself later is not loving yourself..it's punishing. Stop punishing yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
(((((minuet))))))
my x was capable of doing things like the guy in your life. it's not pretty.
it was very hard for me, too, to let go....even if it seemed and looked like the most intelligent thing to do....it was very hard. even with all the red flags waving doggedly in my face. my family and friends were absolutely horrified that i couldn't see a clear way to cut loose.
i've always heard in aa and al-anon, that the "right" thing to do, is often the most hardest to do. and they were correct.
i had to get better myself, before i was able to cut that sick tie that bound me to my x.
do you go to a recovery group, such as al-anon??
love to you
jeri
my x was capable of doing things like the guy in your life. it's not pretty.
it was very hard for me, too, to let go....even if it seemed and looked like the most intelligent thing to do....it was very hard. even with all the red flags waving doggedly in my face. my family and friends were absolutely horrified that i couldn't see a clear way to cut loose.
i've always heard in aa and al-anon, that the "right" thing to do, is often the most hardest to do. and they were correct.
i had to get better myself, before i was able to cut that sick tie that bound me to my x.
do you go to a recovery group, such as al-anon??
love to you
jeri
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
If it weren't for the anxiety of alcohol withdrawl and if he were on meds he would be a decent person that i know he can be
I learned that eother I had to accept him for what he was at that moment and learn to cope with that person, and not idealize him in my mind as someone he was not.
Ill be frank with you.
Outragous bursts of rage resulting in the damatge of my property is not something I find acceptable. Do you? If he was sober and did this, would it be acceptable then?
The disease is not an excuse for behavior. It may be part of the reason, but is not an excuse in my opinion. Excuses dont explain and explanations dont excuse.
When I lived with a man that damaged my property, I called the police.
Its been my experience that the next thing damaged is a person.
My only idea for you is to live your life. He moved out. There really is nothing for you to do at this point, except take care of you.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Minuet, you've heard what everyone has said. These people who have responded to you are people who have been through the wringer. They tend to put up with unmitigated amounts of bullcrap - we're the codie club, hon - and even we are alarmed for you. Scared for you. We want you to hear us and our collective wisdom. From what you have described, this man is dangerous to you.
Can you imagine him apologizing to the cops as they lead him away in cuffs, "I didn't mean to kill her ... I'm so sorry! I swear it was an accident!"
PS I'm not giving you credit for letting him go. That was a wonderful first step! Good start ... good start!
Can you imagine him apologizing to the cops as they lead him away in cuffs, "I didn't mean to kill her ... I'm so sorry! I swear it was an accident!"
PS I'm not giving you credit for letting him go. That was a wonderful first step! Good start ... good start!
Last edited by WantsOut; 01-08-2007 at 09:34 AM. Reason: added PS
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
elizabeth....
the strange thing is....
HE WAS SOBER. My friend called him a dry drunk. She was right.
I was very upset yesterday and I need to recuperate from this and get my life back.
susan
the strange thing is....
HE WAS SOBER. My friend called him a dry drunk. She was right.
I was very upset yesterday and I need to recuperate from this and get my life back.
susan
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by minuet 
I hope he gets help. I tried to push and push how serious this was. The security guy told me, "What's stopping him from throwing you out the window next???
"
"
My thought,too It IS serious....for YOU to take it that way,too.
Hugs to you. Focus on your own security and things and let him deal with his own problems....he will have to if no one else does it for him. One way for HIM to see the problem for a change.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
do you remember when:
he wasnt angry
then he was mildly angry
then he became rageful
then violent
see how is escalates?
Its doesnt get better til they get help....or you do. Whats your choice today?
he wasnt angry
then he was mildly angry
then he became rageful
then violent
see how is escalates?
Its doesnt get better til they get help....or you do. Whats your choice today?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by BigGirlPanties
Its doesnt get better til they get help....or you do. Whats your choice today?
The choice today is to move forward and depend on myself and take care of myself.
If we were ment to be then godwilling we will.
peace be with you
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