sugarpup

I just joined SR last night. I have been married for 10 years, have 2 wonderful kids, 7 and 3, and an awesome dog named Sugar who I just adopted from the humane society 9 months ago right when I knew things were coming to a head for my husband and I. This dog has been such a savior for my kids during our separation and a great source of love and affection for me too!

Anyway, I knew my husband had a drinking problem when we met, yet I stayed with him... I believed all of his lies about getting sober, being sober, not having a problem and having control over it...

I know it is a progressive disease and boy has it progressed!!! The past 3 years have been the worst... I have gone to bed alone and been ignored for at least 2 years... that is how he was with his drinking, just a complete zombie, he never went out to drink, never got loud, just drank all day long until he passed out on the couch each night... he wouldn't have dinner with me and the kids, wouldn't help with baths or putting them to bed, and certainly would never come to bed with me, I was neglected, ignored, alone, and shut out.

While this behavior progessed, I accepted it and did everything I possibly could to hide it from friends and family, don't get me wrong, I did my share of screaming, threatening, crying, and ignoring him back. I also took all the blame and believed that this was somehow normal, or that things would change, he would one day start to pay attention to me again....

When I finally convinced him to go to marriage counseling with me 2 years ago I was secretly thinking the therapist would see right away how wrong he was and he would fix him and everything would be great... about 4 months into couseling I was asked to leave the room and later found out that the therapist was telling him how far gone he was and that he needed to go stright to a rehab from the office, not even go home! Well, that was the end of that counselor, my husband refused to ever go back to him... so I thought that was the end of counseling... for about a month or so I felt so defeated and depressed... so I called the counselor and asked if I could come in alone... that's when I realized how far gone I was!!! And if he wasn't going to "get fixed", I'd work on fixing myself!!!

After 6 months of MY therapy, nonstop reading of every wonderful book on Codependency ever written, and a few scattered Al-Anon meetings, I was able to tell my husband that I'd had enough, that I couldn't live with his insanity anymore, and that I had to think about the kids and myself, and that I didn't cause his problems and I can't fix them, PLEASE LEAVE...

He didn't leave for about 2 months, during which time I had to constantly put up my boundaries, and repeat my request, and during which time he said, as always, either, he didn't have a problem or he was sober, well, I knew he had a problem and I didn't believe he was sober, but I felt crazy, like maybe it was all just in my head... so I started to unwrinkle those crumpled reciepts I found in his pants pockets, and I checked with our bank account on line and took note of all of the transactions, and kept a secret notebook of all of his purchases of alcohol...

To see it in black and white really helped me and one day he just pushed me too far and I showed him my evidence, he went pale... and he left.

Since he has moved out my life has been better!!!! The kids lives have been better!!!! There is structure, routine, organization and most of all unconditonal love!

Here is where the problems lie now, he has yet to show any feelings, remorse, regret, love, understanding, he is still a zombie, but a smug one now, he just comes around with this horrible smile on his face... he swears he has not had a drink since August when he moved out, I do not believe him, but I don't ask him or discuss it with him, because I am detached from his problems and I love not caring whether he is drinking again or not... he told me he went through all 12 steps within 2 weeks of getting sober and that's it, he's sober... I don't believe him. I don't know if he attends AA meetings, I doubt it...

But this is what is so messed up now, he says he understands if I want to divorce him, he wouldn't blame me because he admits that he has had a drinking problem since the day we met and he knows he has missed out, or blacked out years, months and days of our marriage... he says he doesn't want a thing, not the house, not anything, just equal time with the kids... but I don't trust him... I don't believe him and I don't want my kids spending any time with him alone... I won't share!!!

Although he says he is sober, he has yet to improve his work situation, which is lousy! None of us have any health insurance!!! I work part-time (so I could stay home with the kids), but I have this huge desire to start over, I know I deserve a loving relationship, so I want to move on, I am currently seeking a position in another state, one that will double his salary instantly and provide insurance for my kids and make me truly independent, but I'm scared to death...

Do you think he really could have stopped drinking just like that???? Will he ever have "emotions or feelings" again??? Can all of the wounds caused by his addiction ever mend enough to love him again??? How can I stop feeling so pulled in two different directions, love/ trust again vs. moving on???

I am so glad to have found this forum....thank you for listening...
any and all advice is appreciated!

denny57

Hi sugarpup!

All 12 steps in 2 weeks? Holy cow! I still struggle with step 1 after a year and a half. LOL

I don't mean to make light of it, but I think you're actually very clear in your thinking - you know in your gut - I'm guessing - that he is not sober at all.

The two times I've seen AH since separating over a year ago he also wore a smug look. It's just a cover and I knew to expect it from all my friends I've met in open AA meetings.

You say something really important - that the lives of you and your children have improved since separating. That's fantastic! My life has also improved immensely since removing myself from active addiction.

I also understand your fear. My experience has been to dive in and continue with the changes in my life. I can't predict the future, only today. In my case, I still wish AH sobriety and health, but I'm not looking to get the marriage back. That evolved over time.

I like something my therapist said early on: don't put yourself on ice. I learned over time - and it was slow - to not make decisions based on what I thought the reaction by AH would be; that is, if I do this, then he'll get sober. It took a while because I had come over 18 years to always filter everything I did through him.

It's can be a scary road to recovery, but it doesn't have to be. Reaching out and accepting all the support that has come my way has made it less frightful.

Glad you're here and look forward to getting to know you.

brabswife

I read your reply and can relate so well. Our therapist didn't waste any time identifying what the main problem was (2nd session) and things have moved pretty quickly. He asked my husband point blank if he would be willing to give up drinking to save our marriage. He said no. Right now I'm starting to feel as if I live in a prison. I envy the freedom you describe since your husband has moved out. Although I know you must still experience plenty of pain and heartache (especially regarding the children). I have two boys (12 and 14) and wonder about their well-being should we separate and I am forced to share custody. He is becoming less and less functional every month that passes. When he's not stoned, he's sick. Yesterday was the first time he started hallucinating (Came into the laundry room and kept talking about a box telling us we had to wash certain clothes at certain times of the day ?!?) I couldn't make any sense of what he was saying. I'm surprised he has been able to hold onto his job. I don't know how much I am going to be able to take. I never know each day what bizarre behavior we will have to face. Thank you again for your post. It helps to read other people's trials as they face this madness. It make me feel less crazy!
Take care.

Joanne
Joanne

criss-cross

I don't trust my AH either. He has driven drunk for years, recently crashed his car, broke his neck (luckily surgery healed it) and yet continues to see nothing wrong with driving drunk. He has had 4 in-patient treatments - and failed to follow up on just about everything.

In trying to help him, the court also ordered our kids to see a counselor. In hind sight this helped save me. The counselor was able to see all the characteristics of children of alcoholics in my children ages 13, 10, 7 and wrote a letter to the court in support of my sole custody. My AH has 3 hours of supervised visitation every other week.

This is just a temporary order until things move along with the divorce - which he says he'll never sign. But it saves me the heartaching stress right now of imagining them alone while he's passed out or him driving them home drunk.

dollydo

My answer is No, he did not and cannot stop drinking just like that.

My vote, supervised visits, that's it.

Dolly

sketscher

xabf said the same things to his ex-wife. He fought in court over the visitation issue, he went to alcohol counseling at his lawyer's suggestion to make his case better. I saw first hand that he drank before the counseling sessions!

He won the right to have overnight visitation 2x a week after signing the legal papers that he would not drink before or during. But I've seen his stash of empties hidden in the bathroom after his son has been there. His ex-wife has caught him drinking while he's had his son at his apt. She's been told by a few people that he smelled of beer when he's picked up his son from after-school care and upon arriving at boyscout meeting (of all places). I don't know how he's managed to get away this, his ex-wife is not sticking to her boundries I imagine.


POINT IS be careful. Protect your children! Alcoholics will and do lie and manipulate to get what they want. They beleive that they can manage their addiction (my xabf beleives he can drive better with a few beers in him than most sober for example DUH! that's why's he's totalled at least 3 cars that I know of)

I can understand your feelings. But oyu mention the smug look and I cringe. I've seen it many times on xabf.

Maybe you could ask to go to an open AA meeting with your husband?

devil_angel

Reading your post really hit home, it brought tears to my eyes. You seem to have your head on really straight, and you know what is best for you and your family. My ex hasnt shown any remorse or love, even though it is breaking his heart that I left him. So I understand how his actions hurt and that seems to be pretty typical behavior on his part. Dont let it get to you, its just part of his game. I think you know that he isnt sober now, and even if he was he is not ready to get back in the relationship, you can tell by how he is behaving. Do what is best for yourself and your children. There are a lot of men out there who will give you the attention and love that you DESERVE! I am really impressed by your attitude and thinking. Best wishes!

dayxday

Hi Sugarpup
So much of what you posted sounds like my story. Married a man knowing he drank - but not knowing that down the road it was going to be way out of control.

I did a similar thing with the receipts, tracked debit transactions on his account same amount, same stores, passed out everyday = 18 to 24 pack a day.

I counted his beers before I went to bed, when I got up and when I got home. And yet he still insisted he wasn't drinking more than 4 beers a day.
Well one of us was drinking it and since I don't drink beer that leaves just him.

I lied, I hid, I deceived others because I was embarrassed for both him and I.
I kept thinking that if I tried hard enough he would see what his drinking was doing to both of us. I asked him to go to treatment and he said he didn't need help he could do it on his own.

He did quit twice for about 10 days. Both times were after trips to the emergency room for stitches after passing out and splitting his head open. When he started again it just took a few days for him to get back to full steam. So to answer your question can he quit drinking just like that on his own? IMO anything is possible but it's very unlikely.

But completing the 12 steps in 2 weeks? Again, I guess it's possible but hard to believe. I attend both AA and alanon. I have trouble with the steps and I don't have a drinking problem. My AH has now been voluntarily to treatment, he has been sober now for 67 days and he is still at step 3 about the same place many other people with 60 days to 6 months sobriety in the meetings I attend.

A number of A's at the meetings talk about the steps and how long it took them. I have heard so many of the long-time sober people say that the steps take time. If you rush through them just to get them done you aren't doing them right. And most of those same people repeat the steps to finish what they missed or clean up anything new. I haven't met anyone yet that has 1, 5, 10, 20, 30 years of sobriety and completed the steps in 2 weeks.

You say you don't know if he attends AA but you doubt it....you also said you don't believe that he hasn't had a drink since August - I would follow your gut instincts on that, your are most likely right.

The bottom line is this comes down to your children. Since he is not responsible one of you has to be. The children need one of you to stand up for what is right for them - that's you.

I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. He left when I was 12 years old. I’ll never forget how my mother cried, she was so afraid. I cried because she was crying but inside I was happy. I can’t tell you the relief I felt as a 12 year old knowing he wasn’t coming back and the abuse was going to stop.

It's much easier for you (both emotionally & especially through the court system) to restrict his time to supervised and limited and then give more as he earns it by showing responsibility to both you and your children than it will be to take it away once it's given.

Good luck and prayers to you.