Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
Introduction
Hello to all.
I jumped at the chance earlier today to respond to a couple of posts before formally introducing myself. I thought I'd take the opportunity to do that now.
I'm not new to the insanity of alcoholism, (or the concept of recovery via AA / Al-Anon), however for as much (unwanted) exposure and experience I have with it all, spanning many (far too many) years, I still sometimes am confused, befuddled and beaten down by it.
I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 20 years (have known him for 30). It's been a miserable existence practically the entire two decades.
I stayed for many reasons (all of them wrong, by the way) ie. I thought I could help him. Thought I could change him. Thought he would change. Held out false-hope. Thought staying married was what I was "supposed" to do. I didn't want to hurt or disappointment my in-laws (whom I love dearly). Didn't want to lose his family. Didn't want to hurt my family. Didn't want to break the family ties (our families are close with one another). Didn't want to start over. (afterall, he's a great guy when sober?) Thought fixing him was my calling in life (ok, that last one is a bit of a stretch). I believed his lies that no one would ever want me. I believed my own negative self-talk that I was 'damaged goods'. I didn't want to leave / lose my home (which I was more married to than my alcoholic husband). All those reasons and more that I can't recall at this moment kept me living in this hell, this insanity for 20 years.
After years of useless attempts to 'help' him and idle threats to leave -- I actually DID move out! While 'out on my own' was a time of grieving for the failed marriage, the lost years, coming to terms with the reality of what had been, it was also a time of exploration and restoration. Before the latter was accomplished (and I believe that will take the rest of my life), I returned to the marital home (a few months ago) under the arrangement of "roommates" - to be near my father who was diagnosed with cancer.
Somehow I thought my husband had 'learned a lesson' from the DUI he received while I was gone, and believed he would have enough compassion for my father (and even me) to do no further harm. I also had hoped he could be a help to me and my family during this time.
I soon discovered he had managed well on his own without me, and that he had continued his alcoholic downward spiral, contrary to my belief that he was working on his recovery. I found myself in a war-zone once again!
I'm currently in the process of trying to find a new home to make my final exit from this hellish life with him. (God willing) At times, I get temporarily distracted from that goal with other aspects of my life (work, caring for my ill father, etc) But I know now, really know, that he will always be an alcoholic and will continue to be toxic for me. There's a part of me that's very forward looking to starting life anew....even if that means being alone.
It's good to be amoung kindred spirits here .....just so sorry any of us have a need to be here. I'm sure I've lots to learn from you wise folks. Will be reading your stories and posts and always wishing each of you peace.
Godhelpme
I jumped at the chance earlier today to respond to a couple of posts before formally introducing myself. I thought I'd take the opportunity to do that now.
I'm not new to the insanity of alcoholism, (or the concept of recovery via AA / Al-Anon), however for as much (unwanted) exposure and experience I have with it all, spanning many (far too many) years, I still sometimes am confused, befuddled and beaten down by it.
I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 20 years (have known him for 30). It's been a miserable existence practically the entire two decades.
I stayed for many reasons (all of them wrong, by the way) ie. I thought I could help him. Thought I could change him. Thought he would change. Held out false-hope. Thought staying married was what I was "supposed" to do. I didn't want to hurt or disappointment my in-laws (whom I love dearly). Didn't want to lose his family. Didn't want to hurt my family. Didn't want to break the family ties (our families are close with one another). Didn't want to start over. (afterall, he's a great guy when sober?) Thought fixing him was my calling in life (ok, that last one is a bit of a stretch). I believed his lies that no one would ever want me. I believed my own negative self-talk that I was 'damaged goods'. I didn't want to leave / lose my home (which I was more married to than my alcoholic husband). All those reasons and more that I can't recall at this moment kept me living in this hell, this insanity for 20 years.
After years of useless attempts to 'help' him and idle threats to leave -- I actually DID move out! While 'out on my own' was a time of grieving for the failed marriage, the lost years, coming to terms with the reality of what had been, it was also a time of exploration and restoration. Before the latter was accomplished (and I believe that will take the rest of my life), I returned to the marital home (a few months ago) under the arrangement of "roommates" - to be near my father who was diagnosed with cancer.
Somehow I thought my husband had 'learned a lesson' from the DUI he received while I was gone, and believed he would have enough compassion for my father (and even me) to do no further harm. I also had hoped he could be a help to me and my family during this time.
I soon discovered he had managed well on his own without me, and that he had continued his alcoholic downward spiral, contrary to my belief that he was working on his recovery. I found myself in a war-zone once again!
I'm currently in the process of trying to find a new home to make my final exit from this hellish life with him. (God willing) At times, I get temporarily distracted from that goal with other aspects of my life (work, caring for my ill father, etc) But I know now, really know, that he will always be an alcoholic and will continue to be toxic for me. There's a part of me that's very forward looking to starting life anew....even if that means being alone.
It's good to be amoung kindred spirits here .....just so sorry any of us have a need to be here. I'm sure I've lots to learn from you wise folks. Will be reading your stories and posts and always wishing each of you peace.
Godhelpme
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome Godhelpme!
Im so glad you introduced yourself. It is such a journey isnt it?
I too made the move, then went back, and left again for good.
Its not simple or easy anyway you cut it.
I am glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you !
Im so glad you introduced yourself. It is such a journey isnt it?
I too made the move, then went back, and left again for good.
Its not simple or easy anyway you cut it.
I am glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you !
Last edited by elizabeth1979; 01-06-2007 at 08:15 PM. Reason: quick trigger in the post button
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Nice to meet you, GHM. Don't beat yourself up for dipping your toes in the water once again. Like our alcoholics, we codies have relapses from time to time where we convince ourselves that this time, things will be different.
Glad to see you're making an exit plan. I, too, found it impossible to live with an active addict. And like you, it took me 22 years to finally realize that things would never change unless I was the one who changed.
Glad to see you're making an exit plan. I, too, found it impossible to live with an active addict. And like you, it took me 22 years to finally realize that things would never change unless I was the one who changed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome GHM! I'm glad you are here. It breaks my heart to hear how someone suffers for years with the chaos and insanity of alcoholism. I'm glad you are now free to live a good life. You're reasons were not wrong for staying, because they made sense to you at the tme. I understand far too well about loving one's home and tolerating the A because you have a nice home. Yes, we all so desperately want the A to get help and get well. We pin our hopes and dreams on it. It oftentimes does not turn out that way. Even if they get into a strong program of recovery, we discover that their sobriety does not guarantee our own hapiness.
Please keep coming back!
Please keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
welcome aboard......sometimes we all cling to one another so we don't sink...so just grab hold.
i went back into the chaos numerous times, too....i even remarried mine after divorcing him once. we are now divorced, again. i was devastated for way too long.
we're all here to lend a shoulder....so keep coming in and sharing with us....and get in line....cause you're turn will come very quickly for helping shore up someones elses current issue at hand!!!
love to you
jeri
i went back into the chaos numerous times, too....i even remarried mine after divorcing him once. we are now divorced, again. i was devastated for way too long.
we're all here to lend a shoulder....so keep coming in and sharing with us....and get in line....cause you're turn will come very quickly for helping shore up someones elses current issue at hand!!!
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR and thank you for having shared your story with us. You'll find a lot of information here as well as alot of caring people. You may even find yourself surprised to realize that some of the things that you thought only happened to you - happened to many of us. I found that many people, no matter how well-intended their words were - really didn't "Get it" when I'd talk about my life with my ah. Seems that living in such a state can only be really understood by those that have lived it. In that, you'll find that here, you will not feel alone.
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