wife of alcoholic learning to survive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 5
wife of alcoholic learning to survive
This is my first time posting, although I have been reading threads for some time now. I actually came to terms with my husband's alcoholism just a few months ago, although I think somewhere deep down I knew the problem existed. It happened during marriage therapy, when the therapist called it like he saw it. I don't think anyone had ever called him an "alcoholic" before, although I have been complaining about his drinking since we met. As we talked in therapy about why I no longer had the same feelings for him, it became apparant that all the problems we had been experiencing over the years kept leading back down the same road. His drinking had affected so much (his ambition, our intimacy, his ability to be a good dad, etc..) but I hadn't allowed myself to see the connection until then. Now that I no longer have blinders on, I am taking a look at the big picture. In the last year, his binge drinking has begun to catch up with him. His health is poor, he's lost a good deal of weight, his personality has changed, and his mind deosn't work the same either. (Dementia maybe?) I started to go to Al-Anon to try and understand better what I am up against. Now that everything is out in the open it has gotten worse. He so mad and bitter at me for "outing him" and says and does so many things that are mean and cruel. He sees me as his enemy, but I just want to help him. I'm working to rid myself of the hostility I had towards him in the past. I am so sad and frustrated that he is staying in denial and that he is choosing to drink over saving our marriage. Today, he started at 10:00 A.M. and passed out at 1:00, then slept ALL DAY. The boys tried to wake him for dinner, but no luck. It's getting worse, and I don't know if we're going to make it, or whether I will have to leave him. I'm just taking it a day at a time, but it can really be HELL!
Wel, thank you for letting me vent and I look forward to hearing from anyone that can offer words of wisdom or encouragement.
Joanne
Wel, thank you for letting me vent and I look forward to hearing from anyone that can offer words of wisdom or encouragement.
Joanne
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hi Joanne and welcome to SR...((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
We all here know what you saying....we have all lived it in some form or another. There are sayings that you will hear from time to time that may help you such as: the 3 C's
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
You can click on any of our names and read our histories so you can become more familiar with any of us...
My heart as well as all of our hearts go out to you and we hope you stick around and share with us.
I remember when the kids and I confronted my XAH and challenged his addiction....he said to me "Do you think a sober Wayne will love you any more than this drunk one?" I told him that I would take my chances...he then proceded to spray the kids and I with beer...you say that the trouble started to escalate after his addiction was exposed and brought to the forefront? Ahhh....how I can so relate to this...what has in all reality has happened here is in his mind the addiction in him is saying well now she drew first blood and has declared war. Now his addiction will probably escalate and progress - it will kick up a notch or two so be prepared for this. It's his alcoholism that you are actually fighting hun - he's in there somewhere but lost in it. Only HE can fix himself. YOU need to fix YOU. We as co-dependents want and need to fix them but what we need to do is let them face their own consequences....otherwise they will never hit the bottoms that they need to in order to want to stay sober.
Hang in there honey. More people will be along shortly and can and will add to this that you can benefit from. Please read the stickies at the top - there is sooooo much valuable info there.
Janit
We all here know what you saying....we have all lived it in some form or another. There are sayings that you will hear from time to time that may help you such as: the 3 C's
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
You can click on any of our names and read our histories so you can become more familiar with any of us...
My heart as well as all of our hearts go out to you and we hope you stick around and share with us.
I remember when the kids and I confronted my XAH and challenged his addiction....he said to me "Do you think a sober Wayne will love you any more than this drunk one?" I told him that I would take my chances...he then proceded to spray the kids and I with beer...you say that the trouble started to escalate after his addiction was exposed and brought to the forefront? Ahhh....how I can so relate to this...what has in all reality has happened here is in his mind the addiction in him is saying well now she drew first blood and has declared war. Now his addiction will probably escalate and progress - it will kick up a notch or two so be prepared for this. It's his alcoholism that you are actually fighting hun - he's in there somewhere but lost in it. Only HE can fix himself. YOU need to fix YOU. We as co-dependents want and need to fix them but what we need to do is let them face their own consequences....otherwise they will never hit the bottoms that they need to in order to want to stay sober.
Hang in there honey. More people will be along shortly and can and will add to this that you can benefit from. Please read the stickies at the top - there is sooooo much valuable info there.
Janit
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi brabswife and welcome to SR!
When a loved one's drinking is affecting me, I know it is very challenging to get rid of hostility. Its not easy. Some people are able to stay in relationships with alcoholics actively drinking and can be happy and some people choose to leave. But, its your choice to do whats best for you. There are tools to help you here.
Welcome again and look forward to getting to know you!
When a loved one's drinking is affecting me, I know it is very challenging to get rid of hostility. Its not easy. Some people are able to stay in relationships with alcoholics actively drinking and can be happy and some people choose to leave. But, its your choice to do whats best for you. There are tools to help you here.
Welcome again and look forward to getting to know you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: brownsville, pa
Posts: 16
I didn't want to or didn't believe that "alcoholic" fit my husband either, but if it looks like a duck and acts like a duck, it's a duck, I guess. My husband is also a "binge" drinker. And everytime he drank too much he was so "sorry" and he would never do it again, until he did it again and then he would never do it again, and so on..... For years his drinking has caused me so much heartache and in fact, is the cause of just about every fight we have ever had. We are separated and heading for divorce. Not that that is what you are facing, but I truly hoped that us breaking up would be his "rock bottom" but apparently it isn't, becuase he was arrested for a DUI not long ago. My life has been so wrapped up in his alcoholism, that i don't even know what to do with all my free time, but I'm looking forward to finding out. Take care of yourself and take advantage of all this board has to offer....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
welcome aboard!!!! we understand like no others can....that's for sure. i came here to soberrecovery after spending 2 years in al-anon, and have recieved so much insight and help here....hope you do too.
i still attend al-anon, and spend a lot of time here. it has helped me tremendously.
i'm so sorry that you are having to experience the pain of living with alcoholism, and am so glad that you have found this forum. just keep coming in and sharing and posting with us.
love to you
jeri
i still attend al-anon, and spend a lot of time here. it has helped me tremendously.
i'm so sorry that you are having to experience the pain of living with alcoholism, and am so glad that you have found this forum. just keep coming in and sharing and posting with us.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
As I was clicking around on my laptop and searching for answers to all of my questions about alcoholism, I came across this site, and your post...
I can relate to your situation so much that I decided to join right now in hopes of finding answers by reading and writing to people like you that are in the same horrible situation...
I, too, have recently come to realize the root of all of my marriage problems is his drinking, it took a lot of therapy and reading... we originally started marriage counceling 2 years ago, but after the therapist told him that he needed to go straight to rehab from one of our sessions and then he refused to go back to counceling from that day on, I knew there was a serious problem...
I then continued with counceling, alone, and realized that the only way to get him sober, is to let go... so this past august, I asked him to leave and explained that I couldn't live with the insanity any longer...
He tells me that since the day he moved out he has been sober, but I don't believe him.
He is not angry like your H, he is just annoyingly smug... he smiles a lot and says, "ok, I am fixed now, why are your still mad", I'm not mad I tell him, I am hurt and I can't seem to get over all of the pain and suffering I endured througout our 10 year marriage because of your drinking...
And that's my problem now, I can't "get over it", I don't trust him, and I think I'm done.... but I am scared to death to sign the divorce papers...
I need help, and I hope in some way my story has helped you a little bit...
My advice- be confident in knowing that you are what matters most and that he probably won't get sober until you change and you can change by simply taking care of you first...
Best of luck..
I can relate to your situation so much that I decided to join right now in hopes of finding answers by reading and writing to people like you that are in the same horrible situation...
I, too, have recently come to realize the root of all of my marriage problems is his drinking, it took a lot of therapy and reading... we originally started marriage counceling 2 years ago, but after the therapist told him that he needed to go straight to rehab from one of our sessions and then he refused to go back to counceling from that day on, I knew there was a serious problem...
I then continued with counceling, alone, and realized that the only way to get him sober, is to let go... so this past august, I asked him to leave and explained that I couldn't live with the insanity any longer...
He tells me that since the day he moved out he has been sober, but I don't believe him.
He is not angry like your H, he is just annoyingly smug... he smiles a lot and says, "ok, I am fixed now, why are your still mad", I'm not mad I tell him, I am hurt and I can't seem to get over all of the pain and suffering I endured througout our 10 year marriage because of your drinking...
And that's my problem now, I can't "get over it", I don't trust him, and I think I'm done.... but I am scared to death to sign the divorce papers...
I need help, and I hope in some way my story has helped you a little bit...
My advice- be confident in knowing that you are what matters most and that he probably won't get sober until you change and you can change by simply taking care of you first...
Best of luck..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: indiana
Posts: 3
This is the first time that I have posted here too. I have been dealing with this for quite some time and decided that maybe talking to someone else would help?? For some reason I feel so ashamed by my husbands behavior. I dont want anyone to know about it. Only recently did I tell my mom and my best friend. I am worried that I am getting to the point where I am going to leave him. I really love him but his drinking has gotten out of control. I am home AGAIN waiting for him to come home. Lord only knows what time it will be tonight. I actually did leave last Friday, he just didnt come home from work. Evening came and I figured, screw it and I packed bags and my daughter and I left. He called crying telling me how sorry he was, and for some reason, I came home. Now here we are AGAIN. He left yelling @ me!! It's such an awful cycle. I just dont know how to cope with this anymore. I would love to find ANYONE to talk to about this. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
(((Joanne))
Big squeezy Hugs and a warm welcome to you. Glad we both found this place.
That describes my alcoholic husband, too. It's such a slow, subtle progression that at first, one hardly recognizes the changes that transforms an otherwise decent human being. By the time I realized how sick my AH had become -- mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically....I soon realized that I was just as sick (if not more sick) than he.
We're all here for you. Please continue to post....
Peace to you~
Godhelpme
Big squeezy Hugs and a warm welcome to you. Glad we both found this place.
Originally Posted by brabswife 
His health is poor, he's lost a good deal of weight, his personality has changed, and his mind deosn't work the same either.
We're all here for you. Please continue to post....
Peace to you~
Godhelpme
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
Me too...
I have been reading posts off and on for over 2 years now. But my first post too. I first noticed someone could have problems with alcohol when my boss started shaking all the time. A social worker in our office diagnosed her for us.
Then I started seeing my husband doing the same thing. Of course he denied it when I first mentioned it.
Within a year from seeing the shakes, he had an alcohol withdrawal seizure at an amusement park with our family. He was in the hospital for 10 days (ICU straped down in leathers for 5 of those days). During the 1st few days he exhibited signs of dementia - hearing things ('did you hear that, they're blaming us for the cows'). He escaped from the hospital and we were lucky to find him by calling his cell phone. He told the person calling him, he was outside a church waiting for me at our home town. (We were 3 hours away- and he was outside the hospital in the parking lot).
While he was strapped down with leathers, unconscious and still fighting - a Doctor walked in and said, 'this isn't enough to make him stop'. My heart was broken then.
In 3 months he got a job and all was good for 10 months. He was still shaking and spending loads of money on his needs (beer & cigarettes) and none on the home or family needs. Then he started not feeling well. He went to the hospital in Aug. 2005 - they recommended in-patient, at 1st he agreed then said he could do it without. In Sept 2005 he was back in the hospital and went to in-patient for 1 day. In Oct 2005 we court order committed him to treatment - for 3 weeks. In Dec 2005 he went back to the hospital and had another alcohol withdrawal seizure. He went to relapse treatment for 2 weeks. In Feb. 2006 he went back to the hospital - and again resumed drinking within 3 days. I kicked him out.
Then he began an 8 week sobriety period which was heaven. He was driving truck with a sober friend and he was able to stay sober! But it wasn't to be. On our anniversary in May he got lost driving home and called me at 10p.m. on his cell - not knowing how to get home. He got home by the grace of God and his friend took him to the hospital. He left the hospital and started drinking before I even got home from work. Then 2 days later he failed to negotiate a turn and hit a guard rail and ricocheted back and forth on a bridge totalling the car and breaking his neck at C-2. He was in a halo all summer. In July he almost started the house on fire -burning a pizza in the oven - as he was mixing alcohol with pain killers and antabuse and several other medications. Again he was committed to the hospital, and a few days of treatment. Then he found out he needed surgery and left treatment. He got the halo off in Sept and in less than a week, started drinking. He drove his truck one day after drinking, thinking he didn't have a driver's license and without insurance. I called the police (I didn't want any one getting hurt if he had another accident). Within a week the kids and I went to a shelter and started another committal. And filed for divorce.
He went to another dual diagnosis in-patient treatment (he also suffers for depression) for 22 days. It was planned for him to stay at his mother's. He started drinking within a week and I knew it was over. Although the divorce isn't final or anything, there are good days when he calls me, and then days that I know I'm doing the right thing.
I pray for him every day - that's all I can do.
The children and I cannot live with him.
Although it's not come down to signing for the divorce yet - I think I can.
Then I started seeing my husband doing the same thing. Of course he denied it when I first mentioned it.
Within a year from seeing the shakes, he had an alcohol withdrawal seizure at an amusement park with our family. He was in the hospital for 10 days (ICU straped down in leathers for 5 of those days). During the 1st few days he exhibited signs of dementia - hearing things ('did you hear that, they're blaming us for the cows'). He escaped from the hospital and we were lucky to find him by calling his cell phone. He told the person calling him, he was outside a church waiting for me at our home town. (We were 3 hours away- and he was outside the hospital in the parking lot).
While he was strapped down with leathers, unconscious and still fighting - a Doctor walked in and said, 'this isn't enough to make him stop'. My heart was broken then.
In 3 months he got a job and all was good for 10 months. He was still shaking and spending loads of money on his needs (beer & cigarettes) and none on the home or family needs. Then he started not feeling well. He went to the hospital in Aug. 2005 - they recommended in-patient, at 1st he agreed then said he could do it without. In Sept 2005 he was back in the hospital and went to in-patient for 1 day. In Oct 2005 we court order committed him to treatment - for 3 weeks. In Dec 2005 he went back to the hospital and had another alcohol withdrawal seizure. He went to relapse treatment for 2 weeks. In Feb. 2006 he went back to the hospital - and again resumed drinking within 3 days. I kicked him out.
Then he began an 8 week sobriety period which was heaven. He was driving truck with a sober friend and he was able to stay sober! But it wasn't to be. On our anniversary in May he got lost driving home and called me at 10p.m. on his cell - not knowing how to get home. He got home by the grace of God and his friend took him to the hospital. He left the hospital and started drinking before I even got home from work. Then 2 days later he failed to negotiate a turn and hit a guard rail and ricocheted back and forth on a bridge totalling the car and breaking his neck at C-2. He was in a halo all summer. In July he almost started the house on fire -burning a pizza in the oven - as he was mixing alcohol with pain killers and antabuse and several other medications. Again he was committed to the hospital, and a few days of treatment. Then he found out he needed surgery and left treatment. He got the halo off in Sept and in less than a week, started drinking. He drove his truck one day after drinking, thinking he didn't have a driver's license and without insurance. I called the police (I didn't want any one getting hurt if he had another accident). Within a week the kids and I went to a shelter and started another committal. And filed for divorce.
He went to another dual diagnosis in-patient treatment (he also suffers for depression) for 22 days. It was planned for him to stay at his mother's. He started drinking within a week and I knew it was over. Although the divorce isn't final or anything, there are good days when he calls me, and then days that I know I'm doing the right thing.
I pray for him every day - that's all I can do.
The children and I cannot live with him.
Although it's not come down to signing for the divorce yet - I think I can.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome to all the newbies on this thread!!
Welcome Sugarpup!
Welcome Ink657!
Welcome Criss-Cross!
If you feel comfortable, feel free to start a new thread, so as everyone get a chance to welcome you each individually and say hi!!
Welcome Sugarpup!
Welcome Ink657!
Welcome Criss-Cross!
If you feel comfortable, feel free to start a new thread, so as everyone get a chance to welcome you each individually and say hi!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
It appears that with the beginning of 2007 we have a lot of new folks here. Welcome to all of you. Please keep coming back!! Believe me, we all know your pain and we have all walked a few miles in your shoes. It is a tragedy beyond anything I've ever known to watch someone drink themselves to death. As the drinking increases, they get into legal problems, money problems, employment problems, family problems .... but still they drink. Someone here phrased it thusly: "watching a train wreck in slow motion."
My AH generally starts his weekend "happy hour" around 9 a.m., passes out, becomes relatively sober around 4 p.m., and starts drinking again. He doesn't deal with life, with me, with his own feelings ... just zones out into alkie laa-laa land. When he is sober, he's withdrawn. If he stops drinking for a week or more, his attitude stinks.
I know there are people who manage to live with an A, and Al-Anon says we will find peace whether we choose to stay with the A or not. Frankly, I don't know anyone who has ever been able to do much more than merely survive when living with an A. After all, you can't have real emotional intimacy with them, and isn't that an integral part of a marriage partnership? They end up crazy and we end up crazy too.
I agree with the suggestion that you new folks start a thread. We all want to be here to lend you support in any way we can.
My AH generally starts his weekend "happy hour" around 9 a.m., passes out, becomes relatively sober around 4 p.m., and starts drinking again. He doesn't deal with life, with me, with his own feelings ... just zones out into alkie laa-laa land. When he is sober, he's withdrawn. If he stops drinking for a week or more, his attitude stinks.
I know there are people who manage to live with an A, and Al-Anon says we will find peace whether we choose to stay with the A or not. Frankly, I don't know anyone who has ever been able to do much more than merely survive when living with an A. After all, you can't have real emotional intimacy with them, and isn't that an integral part of a marriage partnership? They end up crazy and we end up crazy too.
I agree with the suggestion that you new folks start a thread. We all want to be here to lend you support in any way we can.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
For Criss-Cross
Originally Posted by criss-cross
I have been reading posts off and on for over 2 years now. But my first post too. I first noticed someone could have problems with alcohol when my boss started shaking all the time. A social worker in our office diagnosed her for us.
Then I started seeing my husband doing the same thing. Of course he denied it when I first mentioned it.
Within a year from seeing the shakes, he had an alcohol withdrawal seizure at an amusement park with our family. He was in the hospital for 10 days (ICU straped down in leathers for 5 of those days). During the 1st few days he exhibited signs of dementia - hearing things ('did you hear that, they're blaming us for the cows'). He escaped from the hospital and we were lucky to find him by calling his cell phone. He told the person calling him, he was outside a church waiting for me at our home town. (We were 3 hours away- and he was outside the hospital in the parking lot).
While he was strapped down with leathers, unconscious and still fighting - a Doctor walked in and said, 'this isn't enough to make him stop'. My heart was broken then.
In 3 months he got a job and all was good for 10 months. He was still shaking and spending loads of money on his needs (beer & cigarettes) and none on the home or family needs. Then he started not feeling well. He went to the hospital in Aug. 2005 - they recommended in-patient, at 1st he agreed then said he could do it without. In Sept 2005 he was back in the hospital and went to in-patient for 1 day. In Oct 2005 we court order committed him to treatment - for 3 weeks. In Dec 2005 he went back to the hospital and had another alcohol withdrawal seizure. He went to relapse treatment for 2 weeks. In Feb. 2006 he went back to the hospital - and again resumed drinking within 3 days. I kicked him out.
Then he began an 8 week sobriety period which was heaven. He was driving truck with a sober friend and he was able to stay sober! But it wasn't to be. On our anniversary in May he got lost driving home and called me at 10p.m. on his cell - not knowing how to get home. He got home by the grace of God and his friend took him to the hospital. He left the hospital and started drinking before I even got home from work. Then 2 days later he failed to negotiate a turn and hit a guard rail and ricocheted back and forth on a bridge totalling the car and breaking his neck at C-2. He was in a halo all summer. In July he almost started the house on fire -burning a pizza in the oven - as he was mixing alcohol with pain killers and antabuse and several other medications. Again he was committed to the hospital, and a few days of treatment. Then he found out he needed surgery and left treatment. He got the halo off in Sept and in less than a week, started drinking. He drove his truck one day after drinking, thinking he didn't have a driver's license and without insurance. I called the police (I didn't want any one getting hurt if he had another accident). Within a week the kids and I went to a shelter and started another committal. And filed for divorce.
He went to another dual diagnosis in-patient treatment (he also suffers for depression) for 22 days. It was planned for him to stay at his mother's. He started drinking within a week and I knew it was over. Although the divorce isn't final or anything, there are good days when he calls me, and then days that I know I'm doing the right thing.
I pray for him every day - that's all I can do.
The children and I cannot live with him.
Although it's not come down to signing for the divorce yet - I think I can.
Then I started seeing my husband doing the same thing. Of course he denied it when I first mentioned it.
Within a year from seeing the shakes, he had an alcohol withdrawal seizure at an amusement park with our family. He was in the hospital for 10 days (ICU straped down in leathers for 5 of those days). During the 1st few days he exhibited signs of dementia - hearing things ('did you hear that, they're blaming us for the cows'). He escaped from the hospital and we were lucky to find him by calling his cell phone. He told the person calling him, he was outside a church waiting for me at our home town. (We were 3 hours away- and he was outside the hospital in the parking lot).
While he was strapped down with leathers, unconscious and still fighting - a Doctor walked in and said, 'this isn't enough to make him stop'. My heart was broken then.
In 3 months he got a job and all was good for 10 months. He was still shaking and spending loads of money on his needs (beer & cigarettes) and none on the home or family needs. Then he started not feeling well. He went to the hospital in Aug. 2005 - they recommended in-patient, at 1st he agreed then said he could do it without. In Sept 2005 he was back in the hospital and went to in-patient for 1 day. In Oct 2005 we court order committed him to treatment - for 3 weeks. In Dec 2005 he went back to the hospital and had another alcohol withdrawal seizure. He went to relapse treatment for 2 weeks. In Feb. 2006 he went back to the hospital - and again resumed drinking within 3 days. I kicked him out.
Then he began an 8 week sobriety period which was heaven. He was driving truck with a sober friend and he was able to stay sober! But it wasn't to be. On our anniversary in May he got lost driving home and called me at 10p.m. on his cell - not knowing how to get home. He got home by the grace of God and his friend took him to the hospital. He left the hospital and started drinking before I even got home from work. Then 2 days later he failed to negotiate a turn and hit a guard rail and ricocheted back and forth on a bridge totalling the car and breaking his neck at C-2. He was in a halo all summer. In July he almost started the house on fire -burning a pizza in the oven - as he was mixing alcohol with pain killers and antabuse and several other medications. Again he was committed to the hospital, and a few days of treatment. Then he found out he needed surgery and left treatment. He got the halo off in Sept and in less than a week, started drinking. He drove his truck one day after drinking, thinking he didn't have a driver's license and without insurance. I called the police (I didn't want any one getting hurt if he had another accident). Within a week the kids and I went to a shelter and started another committal. And filed for divorce.
He went to another dual diagnosis in-patient treatment (he also suffers for depression) for 22 days. It was planned for him to stay at his mother's. He started drinking within a week and I knew it was over. Although the divorce isn't final or anything, there are good days when he calls me, and then days that I know I'm doing the right thing.
I pray for him every day - that's all I can do.
The children and I cannot live with him.
Although it's not come down to signing for the divorce yet - I think I can.
((((((criss-cross)))))
Hugs to you, and yes, it surely sounds like you're doing the right thing. Keep moving forward; we're all here to support you.
~Godhelpme
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: indiana
Posts: 3
my husband came home at 2:00 am again and slept on the couch. Probably because he didnt want to wake me. Like I wasnt awake waiting for him anyway. No matter how much I try and just go to sleep I'm so worried that he's gonna get in an accident. Anyway, the cycle started again this morning. Woke up like nothing was wrong. We had a hugh fight before he left. (I tried to reason with him. I dont know why I even try that anymore) Now it's like he's normal again. I have no idea how to deal with that!! Does anybody else have that problem????
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 41
Im sorry i dont have an answer for you. Im in the same place you are right now. If i act like nothing happened and keep this huge smile on my face im afraid he will think this behavior is ok with me and then he will step it up a notch. Or i tell him how crappy i feel and try to reason and it turns into a huge fight. I know how you feel. Im sorry your going thru it too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by lnk657
my husband came home at 2:00 am again and slept on the couch. Probably because he didnt want to wake me. Like I wasnt awake waiting for him anyway. No matter how much I try and just go to sleep I'm so worried that he's gonna get in an accident. Anyway, the cycle started again this morning. Woke up like nothing was wrong. We had a hugh fight before he left. (I tried to reason with him. I dont know why I even try that anymore) Now it's like he's normal again. I have no idea how to deal with that!! Does anybody else have that problem????
It's crazy and crazy-making!
Either my AH blacked out and couldn't remember the events of the night before, therefore he could act as if things at home were "fine" OR he had a slight recollection of what had transpired, was a little ashamed, and preferred to avoid it by pretending it didn't happen, hoping I wouldn't mention it.
I handled it in different ways depending on where we both were at emotionally. I also tried to reason with him when he would have a moment of sobriety (but it resulted nothing). I later would ignore him completely because I learned that any sharing of reality or my feelings was of no use.
Know it's not you! You're not the one with the problem.
~Godhelpme
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by lnk657
Now it's like he's normal again. I have no idea how to deal with that!! Does anybody else have that problem????
First: welcome to you and all the other new posters!!!! Wonderful you found us and I look forward to getting to know each of you.
Denial,blackouts,some combination.....who knows HOW/why they do it but, in answer to your question....YES,it is the norm in my experience. It can make a person start to feel like they are going insane....when you start to second-guess yourself about it happening or wondering if it really is you making a big deal out of "nothing",or if they do show some ackowledgement it usually gets turned around as somehow I was supposedly to blame,or the kids,the dog,Santa Claus,etc.,haha............ Don't buy into it;don't second-guess yourself. It is part of how I got sucked into the insanity of living with/around alcoholism.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Welcome to SR (((((((((( brabswife)))))) ((((((jeb)))))) (((((((sugarpup)))))))
(((((((ink)))))) and ((((((criss-cross)))))). I came to this site after my AH started popping opiates and drinking. It was shortly after being fired from his first real job as a journalist (poor judgement). Go figure lol. He wanted to go into rehab and spent 30 days in galax Va. He did well for the first 2 months, went to meetings but never got a sponser. then he stopped going to meetings all together. Was miserable, depressed. Stole my debit card withdrew $500 and went back home for a week. My intuition told me he was using but he swore he wasn't. I didn't want him to come home. He wanted to and wanted to go to marriage therapy used Dr. Philisim you have to earn your way out of a marriage. So, he came home but he missed his child support hearing and the law showed up a few days after his return and arrested him and he spent 5 days in jail. I bailed him out when they reduced the amount from 1200 to 300 dollars. He had a job within 2 days (guess jail wasn't for him). I believe that he started smoking crack after he got out of jail but he won't tell me when. He worked for 2 months as a waiter claiming he was only making enough to pay for childsupport so didn't contirbute any to our expenses. I believed him duh. we were attending marriage therapy at this time. He was on crack by then and I had no clue. He was fired for stealing from his employer, said he only did it once and didn't know why. well that was it for me because I knew he was doing something and my boundary after living with his alcoholism for 9 years and now this was relapse and you go. He didn't admit that he relapsed but I bought him a bus ticket back home and he was gone the next day. He didn't put up with a fight because he knew he was going to get put back in jail for child suppot issues again. After he was gone a couple of weeks a buddy of his called and wanted to know where he was because he had picked up 50 bucks to buy him some pot. told me he had been smoking pot for at least a couple of months but told the friend I knew about it. I then went to look in my jewerly box and everything was gone. My first H died of cancer at 26yrs old and he even stole his wedding band and mine. I had a lot of my deseased moms jewerly that was supposed to be passed on to my nieces when they got married. My first H always bought me jewerly for christmas all of the rings, bracelets, necklaces also gone and his deseased grandfathers watch as well. So I called him and asked him while bawling my eyes out wanting to know where it was and did I have a chance of getting it back. He said that was a long time ago when I was F'd up and hung up. so I wrote him a letter pleading with his normal side and not his diseased side to tell me why and where was it all. He called me at work said I was addicted to crack, check the pawn shop downtown I love you click. Called back 5 min later said I forgot to tell you I'm sorry. Well he sold the jewerly back in July by this time it was Oct and they scrapped it all so I got nothing back. Then low and behold I see my digital camera that had been missing in a glass case. He called and wanted to know if I got it back, I guess to get rid of his guilt but I told him you dumb a$$ you sold it and they scrapped it all and oh by the way I found my camera. He turns on me and tells me that if it wasn't for me and the way I treated him he would've never gone out and smoked crack. It in his mind was all my fault and I was to blame for his relapse.
I will never be able to forgive him for stealing my jewerly. I plan on divorcing him in a year (NC says you have to be separated for a yr before you can file for divorce). I do love the guy underneath the disease but I haven't seen him in years. His drinking (says he's not smoking crack) has progressed to the point that he's wetting his bed and when he does call in the middle of the night he's so wasted his words are inaudible. It was difficult letting him go and still is sometimes but in my case I knew it was over. I've started working on me and taking care of myself and things are slowly getting better for me.
Keep coming back to SR, these people are the most wonderful and wise people and sometimes you hear what you don't want to but for me it's part of what is getting my sanity back and reclaiming my power over my life. Sorry U all R going though this. Addiction sucks and addicts suck the life out of you. Sorry so long I just wanted to give you all some of my history in hopes that you will find hope and tell you recovery really works miracles in your life no matter what you A's are doing or not doing. ((((((((hugs)))))))))))
(((((((ink)))))) and ((((((criss-cross)))))). I came to this site after my AH started popping opiates and drinking. It was shortly after being fired from his first real job as a journalist (poor judgement). Go figure lol. He wanted to go into rehab and spent 30 days in galax Va. He did well for the first 2 months, went to meetings but never got a sponser. then he stopped going to meetings all together. Was miserable, depressed. Stole my debit card withdrew $500 and went back home for a week. My intuition told me he was using but he swore he wasn't. I didn't want him to come home. He wanted to and wanted to go to marriage therapy used Dr. Philisim you have to earn your way out of a marriage. So, he came home but he missed his child support hearing and the law showed up a few days after his return and arrested him and he spent 5 days in jail. I bailed him out when they reduced the amount from 1200 to 300 dollars. He had a job within 2 days (guess jail wasn't for him). I believe that he started smoking crack after he got out of jail but he won't tell me when. He worked for 2 months as a waiter claiming he was only making enough to pay for childsupport so didn't contirbute any to our expenses. I believed him duh. we were attending marriage therapy at this time. He was on crack by then and I had no clue. He was fired for stealing from his employer, said he only did it once and didn't know why. well that was it for me because I knew he was doing something and my boundary after living with his alcoholism for 9 years and now this was relapse and you go. He didn't admit that he relapsed but I bought him a bus ticket back home and he was gone the next day. He didn't put up with a fight because he knew he was going to get put back in jail for child suppot issues again. After he was gone a couple of weeks a buddy of his called and wanted to know where he was because he had picked up 50 bucks to buy him some pot. told me he had been smoking pot for at least a couple of months but told the friend I knew about it. I then went to look in my jewerly box and everything was gone. My first H died of cancer at 26yrs old and he even stole his wedding band and mine. I had a lot of my deseased moms jewerly that was supposed to be passed on to my nieces when they got married. My first H always bought me jewerly for christmas all of the rings, bracelets, necklaces also gone and his deseased grandfathers watch as well. So I called him and asked him while bawling my eyes out wanting to know where it was and did I have a chance of getting it back. He said that was a long time ago when I was F'd up and hung up. so I wrote him a letter pleading with his normal side and not his diseased side to tell me why and where was it all. He called me at work said I was addicted to crack, check the pawn shop downtown I love you click. Called back 5 min later said I forgot to tell you I'm sorry. Well he sold the jewerly back in July by this time it was Oct and they scrapped it all so I got nothing back. Then low and behold I see my digital camera that had been missing in a glass case. He called and wanted to know if I got it back, I guess to get rid of his guilt but I told him you dumb a$$ you sold it and they scrapped it all and oh by the way I found my camera. He turns on me and tells me that if it wasn't for me and the way I treated him he would've never gone out and smoked crack. It in his mind was all my fault and I was to blame for his relapse.
I will never be able to forgive him for stealing my jewerly. I plan on divorcing him in a year (NC says you have to be separated for a yr before you can file for divorce). I do love the guy underneath the disease but I haven't seen him in years. His drinking (says he's not smoking crack) has progressed to the point that he's wetting his bed and when he does call in the middle of the night he's so wasted his words are inaudible. It was difficult letting him go and still is sometimes but in my case I knew it was over. I've started working on me and taking care of myself and things are slowly getting better for me.
Keep coming back to SR, these people are the most wonderful and wise people and sometimes you hear what you don't want to but for me it's part of what is getting my sanity back and reclaiming my power over my life. Sorry U all R going though this. Addiction sucks and addicts suck the life out of you. Sorry so long I just wanted to give you all some of my history in hopes that you will find hope and tell you recovery really works miracles in your life no matter what you A's are doing or not doing. ((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: indiana
Posts: 3
finally leaving
How do you know when to finally give up?? My whole life I've been told not to quit @ anything, no matter what. Especially marraige. My dad was an alcoholic, but when my mom left he sobered up. My mom told me that it has to take a crisis to get them to quit and if there is no crisis, I need to create one. My husband seems so hell bent on the fact that hes not ready to quit. I think if I left he's just shrug it off and go. That scares me. Mom keeps telling me that its not the man talking, it's the problem. But it seems hopeless. He's so into partying and coming home late that hes' starting to think that I'm just in the way of that. It's too hard for me to admit that after all these years I lost to a few buddies and a bottle of beer. It's awful to think that. I cant lose my husband that way.....
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