minuet

Hi.

I introduced msyelf awhile back and my abf is a merchant marine who is out on assaignment taking a merchant ship to china.
He said he would be home tomorrow but I am not sure.

The last I heard from him was on New Years Eve and he was expecting to land in China on Monday and unload by Wednesday or so taking a day to get back.

I haven't heard didly sqat from him since new year's eve and I'm pissed.
I can understand him not calling but he was sending email up unto that point.

I'm ready to just leave him at the airport so he can find his own way home.

am i being unreasonable?

Nuudawn

You don't know what the story is..from what I understand. You are being purely "reactive" here. Been there, done that..probably still will..lol. You are basing a decision on assumption..and a very negative one at that....

What do you think the reason is that you haven't heard anything?

GirlInterrupted

I think you are being completely reasonable.

Of all the things my aexbf did (yelling, drinking threatening) the only one that made me soooooooooooooooooooooo mad was when he wouldnt call.

But like nuudawn said, you don't know the whole story. So try not to get yourself worked up too much or you'll just drive yourself crazy.

newenglandgirl

Sorry to hear about your waiting with no word. ugh. You really don't seem to trust this guy at all. I don't blame you from what you've said. What do you think it would take for you to trust him?

minuet

yes, those are my BPD traits going into overdrive.

No, I don't know what's happening

minuet

Hi.
I have A LOT of trust issues with men to begin with and I've been through a lot of therapy to go along with it but I still react the same way all the time.

No, I don't trust him because its too early. What would make me have some faith? If he would get into therapy and get himself on some meds for his depression and anxiety.

Nuudawn

Minuet,
I have ran away from many a relationship cuz I ALWAYS go to worst case scenario...which is they are choosing to not call me, they don't want to call me, they don't like me, they are with someone else, they are going to dump me...yadda yadda..drive myself crazy until my negative little head wanted to pop off. I drive myself SO insane that I can't bear the relationship one second longer...so I will sabotage the relationship in one way or another..simply to get out of the misery of my own making.

minuet

You know what's really pissy?

I sometimes get the feeling that when he goes out sometimes he WAITS until I get pissed off then he comes home.

My rational side tells me that I'm being paranoid but I don't think so. I know alkies can be manipulative that way

mallowcup

I think you are being totally unreasonable.

minuet

Yes, I do that myself too
self fulfillling phrophecy

sorry my name is susan, my handle is minuet...my cat's name...=)

minuet

Hi.

He works with commercial liners and not really the military even though the are affiliated with them.

embraced2000

yup....unreasonable.

mallowcup

We are at war. Merchant marines carry arms and supplies in times of war, plus they go to places we don't know, carrying things we don't know about. Please consider the scope of what he does before popping a cork. I'm trying to even imagine getting steamed because my merchant marine boyfriend didn't call on cue. I would pray and worry, then I'd pray some more. At least consider that maybe he is somewhere were he can not call or is not allowed to call.

HolyQow

If it hasn't happened yet...I don't see the problem. And from what I read, it's not a definate plan of what day he will be finished with his job? So you are angry that he hasn't called? Are you able to contact him? I like to think that no news (or change of plans) is good news. I would be at airport at the time he gave you, and if he doesn't arrive, then I would make my decision at that time...

I can't see the whole picture, so it's hard to tell from here. I have no way of knowing if this is his "usual" pattern, or if he is trying to "make a point" about something, or if he is just plain busy......or more likely, he finished his job, and went drinking with the guys?? I think one can assume many different scenarios, so until you find out what is really going on, I wouldn't spend alot of time driving yourself crazy over what "could be".

tracy1963

[QUOTE=Nuudawn;1161418]You don't know what the story is..from what I understand. You are being purely "reactive" here. Been there, done that..probably still will..lol. You are basing a decision on assumption..and a very negative one at that....

Great response.

I am one who always is "reactive" when I don't know for sure what is going on-can always come up with tons of possible explanations for things I have no way of knowing, in all parts of my life. It has caused much turmoil in my relationships, esp. w/ the current one. He is the first to ever point it out to me and call me on it, and he was right. I never even realized I did it until that point, and I'd been doing it my whole life.
I have since learned to look at the facts. Just the facts. All you really know for certain is that he hasn't called. That is it. All of the rest is speculation-possibilities, but uncertain ones. You simply don't know the rest. And yes, it sure does seem like we always choose negative explanations. It is a learned behavior with me. My mother's personality is pretty much made up of 100% reactive speculation-always looking for unseen motives and explanations.
I still do it too, but I'm persistent about changing that aspect of my personality. Sometimes I forget - a lot lately. And lots of times other people feed into it-don't listen. They don't know either.
Can/have you tried to call him? Is there a central office or any contact number you could call to see if all is well?

FormerDoormat

"The last I heard from him was on New Years Eve and he was expecting to land in China on Monday and unload by Wednesday or so taking a day to get back. "

So based on the information you've provided, he's right on schedule. You're allowing your imagination to run wild. You're upsetting yourself based on pure speculation, probably in an unconscious effort to sabbotage the relationship. Why is that?

minuet

Hi.

Cause that's my modus Operandi and how I operate unfortuneately. I'm willing to take what the author said above as "no news is good news"
I have BPD tendancies, been through therapy and nothing really works here.
I keep on doing it....He knows it and puts up with it because I took care of him when he nearly died of alcohol poisoning and put up with his hell-ish behavior.

minuet

I have since learned to look at the facts. Just the facts. All you really know for certain is that he hasn't called. That is it. All of the rest is speculation-possibilities, but uncertain ones. You simply don't know the rest. And yes, it sure does seem like we always choose negative explanations. It is a learned behavior with me. My mother's personality is pretty much made up of 100% reactive speculation-always looking for unseen motives and explanations.
I still do it too, but I'm persistent about changing that aspect of my personality. Sometimes I forget - a lot lately. And lots of times other people feed into it-don't listen. They don't know either.
Can/have you tried to call him? Is there a central office or any contact number you could call to see if all is well?[/QUOTE]

I could call his union office but he would HATE me for checking up on him.

He hated it when I called him to see how he was doing during the day (when he was sick it was ok but he says he doesn't need a "doting mother" he has one already...point taken) so I dont' call anymore when I'm at work at such.

I'm doing a bit better now so thanks for all of your comments and suggestions....

still issues of mine that need to be dealt with

minuet

...and oh yeah still no word...

I have some things to do tomorrow so I'm not going to sit around and wait for him I'll make myself crazy.

I don't know if he got my last emails before he disembarked but I told him I lost my cell phone and had to reactivate an old one. I also said I didn't have a charger so I turned it off and to call the house phone.

If he didn't get that message there's nothing I can do except check my messages during the day from my landline (and yes I left the landline number)

prodigal

If you feel it's unfortunate the way you operate, why not change it rather than just throw up your hands and say nothing can be done. If the therapy isn't working, find another therapist. If meds aren't working, find another psychiatrist who can try different meds. I have a cousin we had to officially commit to a mental institution because he is paranoid-schizophrenic. It took about five years, but with the RIGHT therapy and the RIGHT meds, today he is able to drive his own car and maintain his own apartment. He is on permanent disability, but I've seen a catatonic man become relatively alive once again.

So the way you see it is he puts up with you because you tolerated his "hellish behavior" and pulled him through a bout with alcohol poisoning. Was he hospitalized during that event at any time? It sounds like a somewhat dangerous undertaking for one person to handle, given that people have been known to die from such a disorder, go into seizures, injure themselves, hallucinate, etc.

Maybe you need to sit back and decide what is best for you right now. It sounds as if you are reacting. Perhaps someone else could help you with this. I find it hard to believe that there is nobody in the medical and/or therapeutic professions who couldn't help you get better results.