indoldrums

I don't want to be a liar, as a big problem in our marriage is his lying and keeping things from me. So I would feel like a big hypocrit if I started lying to him too.

Thing is, I want to start going to al-anon meetings, but I'm not sure what to tell him. He'll want to know where I'm going and when I'll be back, and I have some ideas of what to tell him besides the truth, but I'm worried that will come back to haunt me later if he finds out.

I'm worried that if I tell him the truth, he'll think I'm trying to make him feel guilty. Then again, I wonder if telling him that I'm going to meetings will help him see even more that I'm really serious and really worried...although that probably won't happen - he'll probably just see it as another over-reaction on my part.

Basically, is a good idea or a bad idea to tell him I'm going to al-anon? Is it better to be truthful or lie?

AllTooSober

Personally I think the truth is best, always. You can't be held responsible for his reactions to what you say. If he feels guilty that you're going to meetings, that's his thing to deal with. It may help him to know that you're doing this for your own well being and to give your relationship every chance to survive?

Astro

I think being open and honest would be best, and would show him you're trying to make your relationship work, and it's great that you have the desire to go for yourself.

I'll admit that I would've felt guilty if my ex had decided to attend al-anon, but maybe it would've given me the incentive to clean my act up before it was too late. Sorry to say that by the time I chose sobriety it was already too late.

Cynay

Honestly it does not matter what he thinks.... your doing this for you. I choose honestly too.

deax

Tell him the truth. Part of the reason we go to Al Anon is to learn to do the right thing for us, and not to let their actions/moods/feelings affect our decisions. We need to learn to act on our behalf, not theirs. We don't have to dance around anyone. You are not a liar and don't feel comfortable lying; good for you! Don't let reacting to him turn you into something you're not. He does what he wants without much regard for how you'll feel (I've been endlessly lied to as well, so I understand); now it's your turn.

indoldrums

I've thought about that. Even though my decision to go has nothing to do with helping him realize anything, I have hoped that if he knows I'm going to these meetings, he might realize how serious I think the situation is and that he really has a problem. But I'm not holding my breath. Do you really think you might've reconsidered and thought "maybe I really do I have a problem," if your ex went to meetings and you knew about it?

Also, I don't care if he feels guilty. But making him feel guilty isn't my reason for going. My fear is that he'll accuse me of trying to make him feel guilty.

But you're all right. His reaction to it is not my problem. I really wanted honesty to be the answer.

indoldrums

I actually haven't gone to a meeting at all. I'm hoping to go to one tonight or tomorrow.

And you're right. Sacrificing who I am is the wrong thing to do. It just makes it worse.

Astro

Maybe not. There were certainly plenty of hints dropped that I might have a problem, and direct requests made to attend counseling with her, and I ignored all of those. But then again we never know what it takes to hit our bottom or have the moment of clarity that brings us to our knees. I might've reconsidered, or maybe I would've shrugged it off like I always did.

BigGirlPanties

why wouldnt you tell him?

are you ashamed of going?
or
are you afraid of his reaction?

lying serves many purposes, but still makes me a liar. Just like it makes the alcoholic a liar.

I value my integrity today so I work real hard to be honest.

elizabeth1979

Sorry if Im repeating but Im short on time at the mo...

What someone else is thinking, is none fo my business. I go to al-anon to help myself. Al-anon is for people who are affected by soeone elses drinking. If you live with him, know him, are related to him, or give a rats behind about him, you are likely being affected by his drinking.

I did it, do it, and will continue to do it, for me not anyone else.


If hes anything like the alcoholics I know, he wont come away from that thinking he has a problem with his drinking, he will think you have a problem with his drinking....and dont you? Al-anon can help with that

indoldrums

Again...I know that. While I HOPE he will see it differently, I pretty much KNOW that his reaction will be that I'm so paranoid that I need to go to some group therapy garbage.

mcdo1268

Cynay..here here! Indoldrums..you need to take care of yourself!

tracy1963

I'm going through the same thing. I still haven't told him, though he's been telling me I should be going lately-very odd. I am always honest to a fault about everything. I've just been so different lately and I don't know why. I thought maybe he would feel responsible for my going, but I think he blames himself for a lot of things going on w/ me anyways. I don't want him to. It is all mine. He is secretive about his sobriety efforts unless I ask. Maybe I'm mirroring him. Maybe I just like having a secret that he knows nothing about. I hadn't thought that maybe it would inspire him to work harder on his sobriety. At first I thought he'd tell me I don't need it, like he did in the past when I expressed interest in it. It is not all about him. It is me and needing to change me, for my own good. Maybe I just want to keep that all to myself at this point.
Honesty is the best policy. I'm going to have to tell him.

indoldrums

I lied - like a jerk. I didn't go, but when we were discussing scheduling, I made up some crap about church bible study starting up again soon. LIke I said, I didn't want to ruin the good mood he was in. But then again, I wasn't in a good mood...just glad that he was being really nice to me.

Juana-be

Don't worry about it, you can still tell him. After all you didn't even go yet. Who doesn't chicken out once in a while?

dogandbooklover

I would say that telling him the truth would be the best thing. I can't imagine it will make anything worse than it already is even if he was in a good mood for a short while.

lilac

You can still tell him......I hated having to tell my AH I was going to an al-anon meeting........I told him over the phone.

Honesty is the best, I think.