Is it okay to miss him???
I can't save you
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Cookville, TN
Posts: 104
Is it okay to miss him???
I know I can't be with him. And I know he has issues I can't help him with. But the fact that I miss him sooooooooooo much, is that okay??? When I think of him, I get sick, will that ever go away?
The good news :: I haven't called him in 3 days. I kind of feel like someone who is going through recovery and counting the days they have been sober. Thats what I am doing with this situation. I am not sure if that's stupid, or obsession. But it makes me feel better about myself, even though I know 3 days is nothing.
The good news :: I haven't called him in 3 days. I kind of feel like someone who is going through recovery and counting the days they have been sober. Thats what I am doing with this situation. I am not sure if that's stupid, or obsession. But it makes me feel better about myself, even though I know 3 days is nothing.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello Girl,
You know it's been almost 4 years isnce my wife and I split.
She is still racking up the DUI's and is always in the middle of drama.
But you know, I think we learn this.
They will be missed for the love. They will not be missed for their actions.
I think we never really stop loving them, we just come to the fact that we can not live with what they have become. So in time things feel better and all those wonderful thoughts of them are tucked away.
Yes I still miss her. I miss that sweet woman I married. But she left long ago.
You know it's been almost 4 years isnce my wife and I split.
She is still racking up the DUI's and is always in the middle of drama.
But you know, I think we learn this.
They will be missed for the love. They will not be missed for their actions.
I think we never really stop loving them, we just come to the fact that we can not live with what they have become. So in time things feel better and all those wonderful thoughts of them are tucked away.
Yes I still miss her. I miss that sweet woman I married. But she left long ago.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Why would you say that three days is nothing? Three days to a soldier in Iraq is a lifetime, three days of time spent at a death bed with a loved one is cherished. Three days sober is a victory. What do you miss about him? Ahh, to be young enough to think that three days is nothing........have you considered a graditude journal?
I can't save you
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Cookville, TN
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian 
Hello Girl,
You know it's been almost 4 years isnce my wife and I split.
She is still racking up the DUI's and is always in the middle of drama.
But you know, I think we learn this.
They will be missed for the love. They will not be missed for their actions.
I think we never really stop loving them, we just come to the fact that we can not live with what they have become. So in time things feel better and all those wonderful thoughts of them are tucked away.
Yes I still miss her. I miss that sweet woman I married. But she left long ago.
You know it's been almost 4 years isnce my wife and I split.
She is still racking up the DUI's and is always in the middle of drama.
But you know, I think we learn this.
They will be missed for the love. They will not be missed for their actions.
I think we never really stop loving them, we just come to the fact that we can not live with what they have become. So in time things feel better and all those wonderful thoughts of them are tucked away.
Yes I still miss her. I miss that sweet woman I married. But she left long ago.
I miss the amazing man i fell in love with...he was there besides his anger && drugs. But now..his eyes are cold && everything I say is a sin to him. I feel like he died...and how do you react to your best friend dying?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I thought I'd share a similar conversation that I was having with someone close to this topic. The "missing them" part.
XAH and I have been seperated for almost 3 years and we have divorced. This past Christmas I missed him more than I did the previous ones. Why? I'm not sure, maybe it was the finality part of it all as our divorce was just finalized in December. I don't know - but the thing I do know is that I was thinking just yesterday about all the things about him that drive me nuts, hurt me and annoy me. And it's nice that I don't have to deal with those things anymore.
But during this conversation - a topic was broached. Do we really miss the person - or is the being alone thing? Or maybe it's the part of the grieving process that we go through where we tend to really make them out to be better than they were in our minds.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder sometimes WHAT it is that I miss about my xah. Sometimes it's the familiar companion, sometimes it's that I'm lonely and/or bored, sometimes it's that companionship of having a partner, etc. and sometimes, yes, I miss HIM for him.
I still miss him sometimes, just as I miss the other things I mentioned above.
It's normal to miss someone - especially when you aren't done grieving the loss of the relationship, the dreams you had, and the all that stuff.
It does and can get better.
My question is - are you out living your life? Out doing things?
Or are you more apt to be the type that is sitting home moping? I catch myself doing that sometimes and have to MAKE myself get up and go get a life. It does help.
XAH and I have been seperated for almost 3 years and we have divorced. This past Christmas I missed him more than I did the previous ones. Why? I'm not sure, maybe it was the finality part of it all as our divorce was just finalized in December. I don't know - but the thing I do know is that I was thinking just yesterday about all the things about him that drive me nuts, hurt me and annoy me. And it's nice that I don't have to deal with those things anymore.
But during this conversation - a topic was broached. Do we really miss the person - or is the being alone thing? Or maybe it's the part of the grieving process that we go through where we tend to really make them out to be better than they were in our minds.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder sometimes WHAT it is that I miss about my xah. Sometimes it's the familiar companion, sometimes it's that I'm lonely and/or bored, sometimes it's that companionship of having a partner, etc. and sometimes, yes, I miss HIM for him.
I still miss him sometimes, just as I miss the other things I mentioned above.
It's normal to miss someone - especially when you aren't done grieving the loss of the relationship, the dreams you had, and the all that stuff.
It does and can get better.
My question is - are you out living your life? Out doing things?
Or are you more apt to be the type that is sitting home moping? I catch myself doing that sometimes and have to MAKE myself get up and go get a life. It does help.
I can't save you
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Cookville, TN
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by mallowcup
Why would you say that three days is nothing? Three days to a soldier in Iraq is a lifetime, three days of time spent at a death bed with a loved one is cherished. Three days sober is a victory. What do you miss about him? Ahh, to be young enough to think that three days is nothing........have you considered a graditude journal?
Well 3 days is nothing to these people who had to stay sober for years. It feels like a victory to me, i just feel like if people read "3days" they will think "wow thats pathetic".
I miss having someone to call when things got too much. Or having someone to cry to when I just needed to cry for no reason. I miss having someone who held me even when i was so angry I didn't want to be touched. Or having a best friend who knew EVERYTHING about me. I miss everything about him, well all the things that were there when we fell in love. I don't miss the mean him he became over time, the one who could make me feel like I was always wrong. Or the one who knew what to say to make me NOT want to get out of bed in the morning. But weather he is the mean him or the nice him I miss the sex in all honesty. I'm not ganna lie, there was a part of me that always thought "god just shoot me for doing this", but then there is the part of me that knows that I could never possibly be comfortable with someone like that ever again because I am so insacure about my body. It took me a yaer just to let him see my legs ((and i am talking about wearing shorts in front of him or anything)).
I accually do keep a journal. It goes everywhere with me.
I can't save you
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Cookville, TN
Posts: 104
StandingStrong:: "My question is - are you out living your life? Out doing things?
Or are you more apt to be the type that is sitting home moping? I catch myself doing that sometimes and have to MAKE myself get up and go get a life. It does help."
I catch myself moping too. Accually when out break up became final i spent the first 9 days in my bed crying. But now I am forcing myself to go out and do things no matter how much i DO NOT want to be around people.
mallowcup:: He didn't die, but the man i love has pretty much died. I don't see him when i look in his eyes anymore.
Or are you more apt to be the type that is sitting home moping? I catch myself doing that sometimes and have to MAKE myself get up and go get a life. It does help."
I catch myself moping too. Accually when out break up became final i spent the first 9 days in my bed crying. But now I am forcing myself to go out and do things no matter how much i DO NOT want to be around people.
mallowcup:: He didn't die, but the man i love has pretty much died. I don't see him when i look in his eyes anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
The man I fell in love with all the way back in the 1st grade is now just a shell of the man that I knew him to be. I understand that part GirlInterrupted.
But ya know - when we lose a person, a relationship, a job or any other kind of loss, we go through a greiving process. We greive what we've lost. But it's very easy to get stuck in that misery.
Recovery is a process that we go through, it does not happen overnight. It was hard for me to detach, harder still for me to let go (I still struggle with this part to a point) and then I had to rediscover myself and make the life that I wanted - even if that meant having to do it without my xah.
One step at a time Girl.
But ya know - when we lose a person, a relationship, a job or any other kind of loss, we go through a greiving process. We greive what we've lost. But it's very easy to get stuck in that misery.
Recovery is a process that we go through, it does not happen overnight. It was hard for me to detach, harder still for me to let go (I still struggle with this part to a point) and then I had to rediscover myself and make the life that I wanted - even if that meant having to do it without my xah.
One step at a time Girl.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
My alcoholic, pothead ..and I now suspect, crackhead ex boyfriend has been out of my life just over 3 weeks now and I still miss him and I'm okay with that. He was and is Jekyll and Hyde ...but I've come to realize the pain with him will always outweigh the bad (as long as he is actively using). The relationship simply diminshed me, sucked at my spirit and ate away at my soul. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings..release them. The first time I split with this same ex, I took the angle that he was just another of my addictions (I'm codependent, alcoholic, smoker, etc) and when I wanted to see him or speak to him very badly I dealt with it like a craving..I felt it, rode thru it until it passed. Unfortunately, I eventually started drinking again..and that all went to hell in a handbasket. This split...I knew I needed help..with booze..and with letting him go. I'm in AA..and I'm here. I worry about him tremendously at times BUT I have to deal with my relationship with my self right now (which is also extremely dysfunctional). God is his only answer...as it is mine right now. I have to detach. I can still love him and pray for him...I just can't be with him. I owe that to myself. Once I do the work and learn how to fall in love with myself...well, maybe I'll entertain another relationship. Right now, I will continue to be attracted to and attract only those as buggered up as me.
Ride the waves my friend...and started dealing with YOU.
T.
Ride the waves my friend...and started dealing with YOU.
T.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I 'll say this as delicately as I can. You said, you miss having some to go to when things got to be too much. You miss someone to cry with when you felt like crying over nothing. He held you when you were angry and didn't want to be touched. I guess you need to internalize what you've said and how the relationship was from his perspective. I also feel as though you recurrently speak in terms of a self fullfilling prophecy. You said, " I could never possibly be that comfortable with someone like that ever again". The truth is, you can.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Actually I was just listening to Joyce Meyers on TV. She said, anything you don't feed will die. I guess that simple truth hit me. I have ben trying to find the right words and sentiments for this poster. There they were. The beauty of this simple truth is this, It applies to our bodies, bad thoughts, defeatism, destructive thoughts....we have to be careful what we are feeding and what we are starving to death. We need to watch the words we speak about over our lives. Your marriage may have died but you are a wiser and richer person. A marriage is composed of two people and it takes two people to make it work. There is one part you could have never fed, being a husband. You were a good wife and one person can not be both a good husband and a good wife. The very nature of marriage is the union of two. The irony is that between you and your husband, who is starving? If we feed negative thoughts, they will grow. If we feed positive thoughts, they will grow. I think your ex overfed it with BS.......FormerD if the dream died, say the dream died. Clarity in our words brings clarity in our reality. No one is dead. Sometimes dreams die and sometimes they are murdered. Just some food for thought.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Girl,
I can tell you how things have progressed from my experience. When I first moved out from AH, I cried, and cried, and cried, oh, and cried.
And the fact is, even though it's been just over four months since that day, I will most likely cry again. But the good times are really starting to outweigh the bad. It took me a while in my new town, but I am finally starting to have people I could call friends. In fact, now I can think of 6 girlfriends I have locally. If you'd known me 3 months ago, you would think that was HUGE. And ever since Christmas, my mood has been up. I think I'm back to the old me! It feels great! I'm telling you this because I think I'm a true indicator of what a little time can do. I even had to speak to AH on the phone last week, and I felt sorry for his denial, but I didn't get all worked up. Yes, like I said, I will cry again. And the whole divorce process is probably going to get difficult too. But I'm starting to re-build. 
I called my best friend (lives in another state) tonight just to say hi. I told her wasn't it amazing that I was calling just to see how she was instead of either crying about AH's latest crisis or in gut-wrenching tears because of leaving him? She laughed and said, yes it is. Things do get better.....I promise.
Take care.
TG
I can tell you how things have progressed from my experience. When I first moved out from AH, I cried, and cried, and cried, oh, and cried.
And the fact is, even though it's been just over four months since that day, I will most likely cry again. But the good times are really starting to outweigh the bad. It took me a while in my new town, but I am finally starting to have people I could call friends. In fact, now I can think of 6 girlfriends I have locally. If you'd known me 3 months ago, you would think that was HUGE. And ever since Christmas, my mood has been up. I think I'm back to the old me! It feels great! I'm telling you this because I think I'm a true indicator of what a little time can do. I even had to speak to AH on the phone last week, and I felt sorry for his denial, but I didn't get all worked up. Yes, like I said, I will cry again. And the whole divorce process is probably going to get difficult too. But I'm starting to re-build. I called my best friend (lives in another state) tonight just to say hi. I told her wasn't it amazing that I was calling just to see how she was instead of either crying about AH's latest crisis or in gut-wrenching tears because of leaving him? She laughed and said, yes it is. Things do get better.....I promise.Take care.
TG
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
gi....it's normal to miss them...even with all the chaos and turmoil that was part of our lives. we see glimpses of them, the true them, once in a while, and that is what keeps us hanging on....hoping for more of the glimpses. this was how is was for me, anyway.
it's been a very short while for you....the grieving process takes time. and losing our loved ones to addiction is just like the grieving process.
it does get better, but only if you are actively trying to make it better. it started getting better for me when i became a member of al-anon.
if al-anon is not a choice for you, then use this forum for a while....maybe something will come to you that you will find acceptable in terms of recovery.
love to you
jeri
it's been a very short while for you....the grieving process takes time. and losing our loved ones to addiction is just like the grieving process.
it does get better, but only if you are actively trying to make it better. it started getting better for me when i became a member of al-anon.
if al-anon is not a choice for you, then use this forum for a while....maybe something will come to you that you will find acceptable in terms of recovery.
love to you
jeri
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
You are human......it is normal to miss them. I think what you are missing the most is the "dream" that you had of the two of you. I know that is my problem. Take your time, post here, read, maybe try AL-Anon....whatever works for you.......(((Hugs)))
I can't save you
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Cookville, TN
Posts: 104
StandingStrong:: "The man I fell in love with all the way back in the 1st grade is now just a shell of the man that I knew him to be."
I kknow how you feel about that, i just want that man that i knew was there and that i saw and loved back soooooooooooo bad right now. I keep getting these flash backs when I am out places, where I am at that same place in a situation with him (ex:: Today at school I had a flash baxk to 2 years ago when i went to HS with him. I could have sworn I was in my English 3 class and when the bell rang he'd be outside waiting. but then I came to reality and realized he'd never be waiting for me again.)
NuuDawn:: "My alcoholic, pothead ..and I now suspect, crackhead ex boyfriend has been out of my life just over 3 weeks now and I still miss him and I'm okay with that. He was and is Jekyll and Hyde "
It's been about 3 weeks for me too. And I thought I was just getting to the place where I was really starting to heal. But now I feel like my heart has been ripped out from my insides all over again. I haven't spoken to him for 4 days - so maybe it's the realization that he doesn't care enough to talk to me if I am not the one calling him, and that's how it was the entire time I new him.
mallowcup:: "You said, " I could never possibly be that comfortable with someone like that ever again". The truth is, you can."
Now I can't. I am too damaged for someone who isn't damaged to love me. So if i ever do love again it will be with someone who is JUST like him most likely..and know that will make me always uncomfortable with them. If i am going to ge him, i'd rather just get hurt by the same person over and over, not a bunch of different people.
"Anything you don't feed will die."
I fed it, and gave him EVERYTHING i could. So that really doesn't mean anything to me. Maybe if i had starved it, or me, he wouldn't have left.
Embraced2000:: "we see glimpses of them, the true them, once in a while, and that is what keeps us hanging on....hoping for more of the glimpses."
Exsactly!!! And even though I know those glimpses weren't enough for a healthy relationship I still want them soooo bad. I almost feel like I can't live without them, they gave me something to hope for everyday.
Lilac:: "I think what you are missing the most is the "dream" that you had of the two of you."
yes & now that he is gone what do i dream for??
I kknow how you feel about that, i just want that man that i knew was there and that i saw and loved back soooooooooooo bad right now. I keep getting these flash backs when I am out places, where I am at that same place in a situation with him (ex:: Today at school I had a flash baxk to 2 years ago when i went to HS with him. I could have sworn I was in my English 3 class and when the bell rang he'd be outside waiting. but then I came to reality and realized he'd never be waiting for me again.)
NuuDawn:: "My alcoholic, pothead ..and I now suspect, crackhead ex boyfriend has been out of my life just over 3 weeks now and I still miss him and I'm okay with that. He was and is Jekyll and Hyde "
It's been about 3 weeks for me too. And I thought I was just getting to the place where I was really starting to heal. But now I feel like my heart has been ripped out from my insides all over again. I haven't spoken to him for 4 days - so maybe it's the realization that he doesn't care enough to talk to me if I am not the one calling him, and that's how it was the entire time I new him.
mallowcup:: "You said, " I could never possibly be that comfortable with someone like that ever again". The truth is, you can."
Now I can't. I am too damaged for someone who isn't damaged to love me. So if i ever do love again it will be with someone who is JUST like him most likely..and know that will make me always uncomfortable with them. If i am going to ge him, i'd rather just get hurt by the same person over and over, not a bunch of different people.
"Anything you don't feed will die."
I fed it, and gave him EVERYTHING i could. So that really doesn't mean anything to me. Maybe if i had starved it, or me, he wouldn't have left.
Embraced2000:: "we see glimpses of them, the true them, once in a while, and that is what keeps us hanging on....hoping for more of the glimpses."
Exsactly!!! And even though I know those glimpses weren't enough for a healthy relationship I still want them soooo bad. I almost feel like I can't live without them, they gave me something to hope for everyday.
Lilac:: "I think what you are missing the most is the "dream" that you had of the two of you."
yes & now that he is gone what do i dream for??
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