I've never really talked about it before (long)
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: washington, dc
Posts: 10
I've never really talked about it before (long)
I don't really know where to begin or how to let it all out of my system. I'm 24 years old and I haven't seen my mother since February of 2000. So this February will make 7 years.
My mother is a heroin addict - although she hasn't always been (to my knowledge). My father is a "recovering" crack addict. I say "recovering" because he hasn't actually taken any steps towards recovery, so to speak, he just kind of ... stopped doing drugs.
For as long as I can remember, both of my parents were doing some kind of drug. When I was a tiny kid, I have distinct memories of my parents and their friends smoking pot in our living room and me just jumping around like the hyperactive preschooler I was. Once when I was 8 or so, I made mention that my parents smoked something that as rolled up into paper to two of my school mates and they immediately knew what I was talking about and told me I should tell a counselor. But I didn't, because their reaction totally freaked me out.
As I got older, our family got more dysfunctional. Things kind of came to a head when my brother was born when I was 9 years old. My father started doing a lot of coke and although I'm not sure what else, I'm sure there are a lot of drugs that he was doing that I was totally unfamiliar with. I'm still very unfamiliar with drug types.
Now, as you can see I've only mentioned my father, because when I was little, my mother would fill mine and my brother's head with negative things about my father. That he was a drug addict and didn't care about us. That he spends all of our rent money on drugs. Even once she took my brother and I to a real live crack house in the slums of south Baltimore to get my father out of there. Of course they wouldn't let my screaming mother in and denied even knowing who my father was. My mother played the angel and made us feel like victims of my father's wrongdoing. Little did I know, my mother was neck-and-neck with him and would go ballistic when he'd take their money and stay out, instead of bring the drugs back home to do with her.
We've been evicted so many times that I can't even tell you how many rental homes we've lived in throughout the years. I've gone to so many schools that I never made any friends, and often was the butt of everyone's jokes and taunts.
As I can into my teenage years, I because naturally rebellious and wanted to get away from everything and everyone that was making me depressed. My mother and I constantly butt heads and by the time we were the same height, she started to physically abuse me by starting fights with me. Actual fist fights. I never have hit my mother, let me just say that, but I constantly had to defend myself from her flying fists. One time we got into a fight and I got the advantage over her by pinning her on the ground, but I was doing it in such a way that I was choking her. I was filled with such rage. I don't even remember what started this particular fight, but it was probably something very insignificant. My brother, who was maybe about 11 or 12 at the time, started kicking me in the back, defending his mother. I was bruised and felt broked for a good two weeks after that, and I ran away from home and lived with a friend until her mother told me that I had to go back home. Of course, my mother told my father and everyone else that I "beat her up," so nobody wanted me to come back home.
I'd say 90% of all altercations I got into with any member of my immediate family has been because I just couldn't deal with the drug/alcohol abuse. One time I locked my father out of the house after he went scavenging for drugs. Once, his dealer knocked on our door and I slammed the door in his face. I was a ballsy teenager, but often I would go up to my room and cry until my face hurt.
My mother left my father shortly before I graduated high school. We got evicted from our home because my father spent all of the money on booze and drugs, and that is the time my baby pictures and my album of baby pics were thrown out into the mud and picked up by collections. I have no baby pics. For some reason, of all things, that brings a tear to my eye.
My father and my brother lived like dopplegangers for the next few years. Going house-to-house, living in people's basements, on couches. My father didn't really clean up and wasn't trying to, and my brother was getting in trouble at school, but still somehow managed to get passing grades. As soon as I could, I moved out and I moved to NYC where I lived with a boyfriend. I failed to mention a brief stint I had living with my high school sweetheart when I was 16, but his stepmother kicked me out because I found out she was doing coke. I was looking for anyone to take me in, and I had lots of boyfriends and depended on them for almost everything.
I drank a few times as a teenager but when I was 16 I swore it off and vowed to NEVER do drugs or drink. Now as an adult, I have an occasional drink, but I do not and have not ever done drugs.
My father eventually cleaned up his act enough to get an apartment, and eventually i was ready to move back home. Funny enough, there were 4 of us living in a 1 bedroom apartment. My brother and I shared a bedroom, my father slept on an air mattress in the diningroom, and my cousin, who had just gotten out of jail for prostitution and drug abuse, was on the couch. We got evicted from there, and I was forced to find other inhabitance.
Needless to say, my life has been upside down since I was a kid. Dysfunctional doesn't even describe how I feel. My father claims to be clean, and I want to believe him. He lives in a townhouse in south Baltimore and my brother commutes via public bus to a school outside of the city (because it's safer). He's 16 now and doing well. We still haven't heard/seen from my mother. My father has seen her here-and-there, but in general, she doesn't acknowledge that for 20+ years, she had a relationship with my father and has two children, one of which is a full grown woman and the other is growing up so fast that if you blinked your eye, he'd be 18.
I don't know how to find peace within myself about all of this. I don't know who to talk to. I suffer from really bad social anxiety and depression and I take medication to help, which does help, but nothing will every medicate me enough, I think, to talk about any of this with a support group. I wouldn't be able to get two words out without sobbing.
I'm sorry this is so long, but in all honesty, this is the very first time I've sat down and written this stuff out. I've left out probably 80% of things that have happened, but I don't think all that filler is necessary. Thanks for listening, and any and all advice is very appreciated.
My mother is a heroin addict - although she hasn't always been (to my knowledge). My father is a "recovering" crack addict. I say "recovering" because he hasn't actually taken any steps towards recovery, so to speak, he just kind of ... stopped doing drugs.
For as long as I can remember, both of my parents were doing some kind of drug. When I was a tiny kid, I have distinct memories of my parents and their friends smoking pot in our living room and me just jumping around like the hyperactive preschooler I was. Once when I was 8 or so, I made mention that my parents smoked something that as rolled up into paper to two of my school mates and they immediately knew what I was talking about and told me I should tell a counselor. But I didn't, because their reaction totally freaked me out.
As I got older, our family got more dysfunctional. Things kind of came to a head when my brother was born when I was 9 years old. My father started doing a lot of coke and although I'm not sure what else, I'm sure there are a lot of drugs that he was doing that I was totally unfamiliar with. I'm still very unfamiliar with drug types.
Now, as you can see I've only mentioned my father, because when I was little, my mother would fill mine and my brother's head with negative things about my father. That he was a drug addict and didn't care about us. That he spends all of our rent money on drugs. Even once she took my brother and I to a real live crack house in the slums of south Baltimore to get my father out of there. Of course they wouldn't let my screaming mother in and denied even knowing who my father was. My mother played the angel and made us feel like victims of my father's wrongdoing. Little did I know, my mother was neck-and-neck with him and would go ballistic when he'd take their money and stay out, instead of bring the drugs back home to do with her.
We've been evicted so many times that I can't even tell you how many rental homes we've lived in throughout the years. I've gone to so many schools that I never made any friends, and often was the butt of everyone's jokes and taunts.
As I can into my teenage years, I because naturally rebellious and wanted to get away from everything and everyone that was making me depressed. My mother and I constantly butt heads and by the time we were the same height, she started to physically abuse me by starting fights with me. Actual fist fights. I never have hit my mother, let me just say that, but I constantly had to defend myself from her flying fists. One time we got into a fight and I got the advantage over her by pinning her on the ground, but I was doing it in such a way that I was choking her. I was filled with such rage. I don't even remember what started this particular fight, but it was probably something very insignificant. My brother, who was maybe about 11 or 12 at the time, started kicking me in the back, defending his mother. I was bruised and felt broked for a good two weeks after that, and I ran away from home and lived with a friend until her mother told me that I had to go back home. Of course, my mother told my father and everyone else that I "beat her up," so nobody wanted me to come back home.
I'd say 90% of all altercations I got into with any member of my immediate family has been because I just couldn't deal with the drug/alcohol abuse. One time I locked my father out of the house after he went scavenging for drugs. Once, his dealer knocked on our door and I slammed the door in his face. I was a ballsy teenager, but often I would go up to my room and cry until my face hurt.
My mother left my father shortly before I graduated high school. We got evicted from our home because my father spent all of the money on booze and drugs, and that is the time my baby pictures and my album of baby pics were thrown out into the mud and picked up by collections. I have no baby pics. For some reason, of all things, that brings a tear to my eye.
My father and my brother lived like dopplegangers for the next few years. Going house-to-house, living in people's basements, on couches. My father didn't really clean up and wasn't trying to, and my brother was getting in trouble at school, but still somehow managed to get passing grades. As soon as I could, I moved out and I moved to NYC where I lived with a boyfriend. I failed to mention a brief stint I had living with my high school sweetheart when I was 16, but his stepmother kicked me out because I found out she was doing coke. I was looking for anyone to take me in, and I had lots of boyfriends and depended on them for almost everything.
I drank a few times as a teenager but when I was 16 I swore it off and vowed to NEVER do drugs or drink. Now as an adult, I have an occasional drink, but I do not and have not ever done drugs.
My father eventually cleaned up his act enough to get an apartment, and eventually i was ready to move back home. Funny enough, there were 4 of us living in a 1 bedroom apartment. My brother and I shared a bedroom, my father slept on an air mattress in the diningroom, and my cousin, who had just gotten out of jail for prostitution and drug abuse, was on the couch. We got evicted from there, and I was forced to find other inhabitance.
Needless to say, my life has been upside down since I was a kid. Dysfunctional doesn't even describe how I feel. My father claims to be clean, and I want to believe him. He lives in a townhouse in south Baltimore and my brother commutes via public bus to a school outside of the city (because it's safer). He's 16 now and doing well. We still haven't heard/seen from my mother. My father has seen her here-and-there, but in general, she doesn't acknowledge that for 20+ years, she had a relationship with my father and has two children, one of which is a full grown woman and the other is growing up so fast that if you blinked your eye, he'd be 18.
I don't know how to find peace within myself about all of this. I don't know who to talk to. I suffer from really bad social anxiety and depression and I take medication to help, which does help, but nothing will every medicate me enough, I think, to talk about any of this with a support group. I wouldn't be able to get two words out without sobbing.
I'm sorry this is so long, but in all honesty, this is the very first time I've sat down and written this stuff out. I've left out probably 80% of things that have happened, but I don't think all that filler is necessary. Thanks for listening, and any and all advice is very appreciated.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
I do hope you will continue to share
I always feel relieved when I do!!
Have you checked out this forum for
information? The top sticky post are excellent.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Reading the top post here are also a good idea.
I can't give you advice as I am an alcoholic..
and not in your situation.
I did see your post so wanted to welcome you.
Other members will be along with their experiences
Mega Hugs
I do hope you will continue to share
I always feel relieved when I do!!
Have you checked out this forum for
information? The top sticky post are excellent.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Reading the top post here are also a good idea.
I can't give you advice as I am an alcoholic..
and not in your situation.
I did see your post so wanted to welcome you.
Other members will be along with their experiences
Mega Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 9
Gracie...
24 years of your life is enough to have suffered. Look forward and know that life is short and you have but this one chance to do everything you really want and dream to do. Move ahead and keep as strong as you have (you have my admiration for being so strong thru such turmoil) been and know that it is YOUR turn now to turn the page of history and make your life story better. Keep venting here, write in a journal, and if you ever find the strength - join that support group. Don't ever forget your past, as that is what made you the strong person you seem to be, but instead embrace the fact that it IS YOUR PAST and you are the maker of your future. Isn't that great!?
I hope you have the happiest of New Years and all those years to come!
24 years of your life is enough to have suffered. Look forward and know that life is short and you have but this one chance to do everything you really want and dream to do. Move ahead and keep as strong as you have (you have my admiration for being so strong thru such turmoil) been and know that it is YOUR turn now to turn the page of history and make your life story better. Keep venting here, write in a journal, and if you ever find the strength - join that support group. Don't ever forget your past, as that is what made you the strong person you seem to be, but instead embrace the fact that it IS YOUR PAST and you are the maker of your future. Isn't that great!?
I hope you have the happiest of New Years and all those years to come!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR Gracie, I’m soooo happy you found us and felt safe enough to share some of your stories with us.
I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, my Mother, and can completely understand where you are coming from. Strange how it seems so much worse when it’s your Mother… I guess it has a lot to do with expecting there to be a bond.
I’m not sure if you sound wistful or just sad about not knowing your Mother and her having no contact with you… If you could choose your life from here on out would she be a part of it?
I can tell you a little about myself and then what I have done so far to find serenity and peace in my life…. In the end though it has to be something you are willing to put a lot of effort into. You said that you could not see you doing group therapy because you would start crying but that is exactly where the healing starts… it starts by accepting all of it for what it really was and then crying your eye out for however long it takes… For me it sometimes felt like the pain and crying would never stop… For many years I did not work on recovery because it hurt worse then staying in denial, unfortunaly in the long run it not only hurts much more to stay in denial but It will also hurt the people you love the most in life. Don’t take me wrong, in the beginning recovery hurts more then anything I have had to do in my life. I would not wish it on my very worse enemy and for years I struggled with the “Why Me”… I think I know why today…. I think it is because I could not be here or anywhere to hold the hand of someone that has such deep pain and help them if I had not gone through it. Today I don’t ask why, it just is and honestly other then working on myself and my growth I no longer wish I was someone else… I learned by walking through fire to love myself.
I’m the middle child of 3 and the one child that my Mother use to take out all her anger on. When you said that you had a fight with your Mom and pinned her and your brother tried to protect her… you ripped my heart out. I moved out of my parent’s home at 16 for the same reason. I was big enough to fight back and I honestly believe that had I stayed one of us would have killed the other back then. The last fight we had when I lived there is not something I’m proud of. I did hit her back, I cant explain what I was thinking … maybe it was just a reaction to years of being hit but my last look at my Mother for the next 4 years was my Mother laying on the concrete floor with blood coming from her head and not moving and All I could feel was anger as I walked out of the house.
Maybe we can share more of our stories together…. I hope you keep posting because I cannot tell you how much being able to write it out and talk with others has helped my recovery. You are not alone in your struggles hon. My recovery started with years of individual therapy… from there it was group therapy … since then I go to Al-anon (great face to face support) Open AA meetings, still therapy, SR and getting as educated about the disease as I can. It does get better, I can promise you that if you work at it the pain does lesson and you can come to a place in your life where not only does it not hurt so much… but you can find peace in it. I look forward to getting to know you and sharing our lives and experiences.
I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, my Mother, and can completely understand where you are coming from. Strange how it seems so much worse when it’s your Mother… I guess it has a lot to do with expecting there to be a bond.
I’m not sure if you sound wistful or just sad about not knowing your Mother and her having no contact with you… If you could choose your life from here on out would she be a part of it?
I can tell you a little about myself and then what I have done so far to find serenity and peace in my life…. In the end though it has to be something you are willing to put a lot of effort into. You said that you could not see you doing group therapy because you would start crying but that is exactly where the healing starts… it starts by accepting all of it for what it really was and then crying your eye out for however long it takes… For me it sometimes felt like the pain and crying would never stop… For many years I did not work on recovery because it hurt worse then staying in denial, unfortunaly in the long run it not only hurts much more to stay in denial but It will also hurt the people you love the most in life. Don’t take me wrong, in the beginning recovery hurts more then anything I have had to do in my life. I would not wish it on my very worse enemy and for years I struggled with the “Why Me”… I think I know why today…. I think it is because I could not be here or anywhere to hold the hand of someone that has such deep pain and help them if I had not gone through it. Today I don’t ask why, it just is and honestly other then working on myself and my growth I no longer wish I was someone else… I learned by walking through fire to love myself.
I’m the middle child of 3 and the one child that my Mother use to take out all her anger on. When you said that you had a fight with your Mom and pinned her and your brother tried to protect her… you ripped my heart out. I moved out of my parent’s home at 16 for the same reason. I was big enough to fight back and I honestly believe that had I stayed one of us would have killed the other back then. The last fight we had when I lived there is not something I’m proud of. I did hit her back, I cant explain what I was thinking … maybe it was just a reaction to years of being hit but my last look at my Mother for the next 4 years was my Mother laying on the concrete floor with blood coming from her head and not moving and All I could feel was anger as I walked out of the house.
Maybe we can share more of our stories together…. I hope you keep posting because I cannot tell you how much being able to write it out and talk with others has helped my recovery. You are not alone in your struggles hon. My recovery started with years of individual therapy… from there it was group therapy … since then I go to Al-anon (great face to face support) Open AA meetings, still therapy, SR and getting as educated about the disease as I can. It does get better, I can promise you that if you work at it the pain does lesson and you can come to a place in your life where not only does it not hurt so much… but you can find peace in it. I look forward to getting to know you and sharing our lives and experiences.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: washington, dc
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by CarolD 
Have you checked out this forum for
information? The top sticky post are excellent.
information? The top sticky post are excellent.
Yes, I've read all through the stickies. Everything is so informative. I hope that I can find some peace within myself and be able to deal with things better. I haven't ever really tried to talk about these things with anyone, because I always feel like I'm freaking people out. Thanks for giving me a forum to do so with other people who don't make me feel like a total spazz.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: washington, dc
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by NotYourLilGirl
Gracie...
Don't ever forget your past, as that is what made you the strong person you seem to be, but instead embrace the fact that it IS YOUR PAST and you are the maker of your future. Isn't that great!?
I hope you have the happiest of New Years and all those years to come!
Don't ever forget your past, as that is what made you the strong person you seem to be, but instead embrace the fact that it IS YOUR PAST and you are the maker of your future. Isn't that great!?
I hope you have the happiest of New Years and all those years to come!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: washington, dc
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Cynay
I’m not sure if you sound wistful or just sad about not knowing your Mother and her having no contact with you… If you could choose your life from here on out would she be a part of it?
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I suppose a big part of me feels like I don't love her because I don't know her anymore
That is a perfectly normal response. Would you love the person in line with you at the grocery store simply because they were standing next to you? No, that would be ludicrous. So why would you love anyone else who you knew next to nothing about?
I have 2 alcoholic parents. I wish they had been what I needed them (and still need them) to be, but they are not, and as time goes on, they are becoming more and more different from who I thought/wished they were. Although I have civil relations with them, I don't know how much love is there.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: washington, dc
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by GingerM
It's pretty much impossible to love someone you don't know. You can love an image of them, you can love an ideal of them, but you cannot love a person whom you don't know.
That is a perfectly normal response. Would you love the person in line with you at the grocery store simply because they were standing next to you? No, that would be ludicrous. So why would you love anyone else who you knew next to nothing about?
I have 2 alcoholic parents. I wish they had been what I needed them (and still need them) to be, but they are not, and as time goes on, they are becoming more and more different from who I thought/wished they were. Although I have civil relations with them, I don't know how much love is there.
That is a perfectly normal response. Would you love the person in line with you at the grocery store simply because they were standing next to you? No, that would be ludicrous. So why would you love anyone else who you knew next to nothing about?
I have 2 alcoholic parents. I wish they had been what I needed them (and still need them) to be, but they are not, and as time goes on, they are becoming more and more different from who I thought/wished they were. Although I have civil relations with them, I don't know how much love is there.
I think it's really affected my relationships with women.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I have 2 alcoholic parents. I wish they had been what I needed them (and still need them) to be, but they are not, and as time goes on, they are becoming more and more different from who I thought/wished they were.
This is only my experience…. It will be different from many peoples and some will not agree but remember that is what makes SR work, we are different but the same.
This was the number one thing I had to wrap my head about.... there are still times that I struggle with it and my daughter also struggles with it concerning her father.
What I thought/wanted my Mother to be and a lot of my misery stemmed from this thought process. I had a pre conceived Idea of who she should be and she failed me, in every way, when I was young as a Mother. I’m not saying that what she did was right nor making any excuses. But, I spent years angry that she would not change, that she was not the Mother I thought she should be… years and years. I wish I had let that go a lot younger then I did…. She is who she is, and who am I to tell her who she should be or how she should live her life… It is her life to live. She did not love me like I wanted/needed to be loved, but she did love me to the best of her ability. She was not evil, she was sick and much sicker then I turned out to be.
I don’t have to agree with it, I don’t even have to be a part of it or her life. Those would be my choices and I choose to have a relationship with her. She still drank but she had mellowed, I still struggled with it but wanted this relationship. When I got to know my Mother, as an Adult, when I saw where she came from and the life she had to live…. When I became a Mother and made mistakes and realized how hard it really is and how not perfect I am…. I found compassion and with that forgiveness and Love.
That is when my deepest pain started to heal. My Mom has been dead for over 3 years… I only really had about 15 good years with her… she is missed very much.
I want to say as well, while I was in that pain I looked for people to fix, My alcoholic ex husband, my friends etc... I think it had alot to do with my wanting to "fix" the orginal love relationship in my life, Mom.... I have learned that when I let go of my expectations and accept people for who they are, I dont have the need to "fix" anyone... that it is not my job, I can only fix me.
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