Approaching Serenity??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Approaching Serenity??
Well I wanted to share about some success for a change. I guess with the new year and this weekend's surprise visitor I am feeling reflective and allowed myself to pat myself on the back a bit. I know that any day now I may have a ‘recycling’ incident and may have to come back here and whine, but as of this morning I’m feeling kinda good about my recovery these past six months.
I was talking to one of the ladies in my Al Anon group on the phone last night. I had called her in response to my ex just showing up at my house this past weekend, and in the course of the conversation I said something about "if I have to sit through one more g-ddamn ‘gratitude’ meeting..." Then I apologized for what I know is my incessant negativity and how there's a lot I still don't get; but then she pointed out and I realized how much I do get.
When I first got here, if I didn't hear from Rich one night when I was supposed to, I would literally be up all night: obsessing, worrying, crying, being furious and leaving angry messages, and most of all frustrated. Then if he did call back, I instantly felt 100% better. Still pissed, but the insanity was relieved. I gave him that much power. I’d miss work a lot. I was always so afraid he'd disappear that if he left me a voice mail and I was in class, it would drive me crazy to wait an hour before calling him back- I'd have to take a break and call him and make arrangements for what time exactly I would call him later. I couldn't stand not to be there immediately whenever he needed me. Always worried about hurting his feelings. HIS feelings. Sigh.
When I first started Al Anon I couldn’t get through the day. Panic attacks, getting in trouble at work for my inability to contain my emotions, not sleeping. I looked a wreck when I first went in the rooms. Well, what I consider a wreck. Getting up every morning was a chore. Last week my group had their annual Christmas party at one member’s house, and I hadn’t been to a meeting in a while. So I actually did my hair and looked nice- and people commented on how my face has changed these days; the stress is out of my face and lifted from my shoulders, I guess. I’m starting to feel like me again.
This holiday season I said to myself, Rich ruined my holidays last year; I’m not allowing myself to let that happen again. I realized it was OK to appear happy to my friends and family, I don’t have to prove my feelings about him to them by being miserable. I always thought if I didn’t show the world how bad I felt, my feelings weren’t genuine. But I know my truth, I know the depth of my feeling, and that’s all that matters. I felt disappointed he didn’t contact me for Christmas but really, why should he at this point. He’s an addict, he’s irrational, and I haven’t contacted him hardly at all in the last 6 months. Where do my expectations end?
When I first started the no contact with Rich I was terrified that since he such a liar, did he ever cheat on me? Did he give me a disease? ALL I wanted to do was call him and demand the truth. Because before, talking to him made me feel better in itself. I really don’t think he ever cheated on me, but knowing how pointless it was to expect honestly from a liar only made me more frustrated—but my newfound knowledge of my own crazy behavior (including unrealistic expectations) and the commitment I’d made to myself in terms of having no contact kept me OFF the phone last 4th of July, when I thought I was losing my mind completely. Ultimately I accepted that fact and realized only I could take care of me. I remained in today only and dealt with first things first. No sense worrying about tomorrow. Yeah, I used all the slogans. Well, last Wednesday I went my doctor to get a physical and my 6-month HIV test (it had been 6 months and three days since my last time with him). Thank God, I am negative. And I would have had the same results if I had called him last 4th of July—but I proved to myself that I was strong enough not to HAVE to. I didn’t die. I got through it without his help. I trusted in me and God—not Rich.
When he showed up at my house this past Saturday, it was genuinely shocking. And confusing. I didn’t know what to do first, didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I hadn’t seen his face in 6 months and 13 days. Some emotion came back. I felt blown away by his fearlessness and arrogance at just showing up at my door, how still he doesn’t take me or all I went through at all seriously. The same fearlessness and arrogance that I was so attracted to in the beginning, and still am a little, if I’m being honest. But I also felt happy to see him, he looked just fine, same old Rich—for all the worrying I do!
After my encounter with him, I went on with my day. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that six months ago I would have spent the day in bed crying over this. I would have felt so guilty about saying no to lunch and then having him walk away—as I said, there was a time when I couldn’t even bear not to return a phone call immediately or without explanation. ALL those useless explanations of why I was doing what I was doing, what I was thinking. The explanations that made me feel better, but that changed nothing in terms of his actions. None of which is to say this is comfortable for me, to be so unapologetic. But it’s gotten so much easier, and it’s what’s best for me right now.
Maybe a couple months down the road I’ll want to be friends with him and give him my number again. Because he’s not a bad guy. Maybe I’ll feel detached enough from him that I can have him in my life and have lunch or go to a museum or a movie or whatever else, with entirely different expectations. Accept that with him, what you see is what you get. Or maybe, as the Al Anon lady said, the healthier I get and the more I learn to love myself, I won’t want him in my life. I can’t fathom that right now, but there was a time I couldn’t fathom doing any of the stuff I am doing these days, either. That’s the amazing part!!
I dunno what he’ll do next, but I won’t stress over it. You just never know with him. I’ll take each thing as it comes. Fortunately he was never a threat or dangerous or mean to me. My emotional setbacks are the only things that worry me with Rich. I still don’t feel angry with him; I still wish the best for him and I still care for him.
On New Year’s Eve, I stayed home alone, because for some reason after this turbulent year that was so full of revelations, it’s just what I wanted to do. I made a list of all the things that I hope manifest in my life in 2007, and I feel hopeful. Dare I say I might be getting closer to this ‘serenity’ thing everyone’s always talking about?
Just thought I’d share what I’m feeling today—however fleeting it may turn out to be, lol—because so many of you here have helped me time and again to deal with one situation or another in my little saga here. This forum has, I think, helped me more than Al Anon in the day to day, due to the constant communication and reinforcement that I immersed myself in on a daily basis. So I appreciate all of you guys who have always been there for me, and I hope everything all of you are hopeful for manifests in 2007, too. And I guess for all the newcomers I just want to say, things can and do change. Sometimes you feel like nothing is happening, but it is. One day you realize you’re doing things you never thought you could before.
Thanks again for reading, and for everything. Love you guys.
I was talking to one of the ladies in my Al Anon group on the phone last night. I had called her in response to my ex just showing up at my house this past weekend, and in the course of the conversation I said something about "if I have to sit through one more g-ddamn ‘gratitude’ meeting..." Then I apologized for what I know is my incessant negativity and how there's a lot I still don't get; but then she pointed out and I realized how much I do get.
When I first got here, if I didn't hear from Rich one night when I was supposed to, I would literally be up all night: obsessing, worrying, crying, being furious and leaving angry messages, and most of all frustrated. Then if he did call back, I instantly felt 100% better. Still pissed, but the insanity was relieved. I gave him that much power. I’d miss work a lot. I was always so afraid he'd disappear that if he left me a voice mail and I was in class, it would drive me crazy to wait an hour before calling him back- I'd have to take a break and call him and make arrangements for what time exactly I would call him later. I couldn't stand not to be there immediately whenever he needed me. Always worried about hurting his feelings. HIS feelings. Sigh.
When I first started Al Anon I couldn’t get through the day. Panic attacks, getting in trouble at work for my inability to contain my emotions, not sleeping. I looked a wreck when I first went in the rooms. Well, what I consider a wreck. Getting up every morning was a chore. Last week my group had their annual Christmas party at one member’s house, and I hadn’t been to a meeting in a while. So I actually did my hair and looked nice- and people commented on how my face has changed these days; the stress is out of my face and lifted from my shoulders, I guess. I’m starting to feel like me again.
This holiday season I said to myself, Rich ruined my holidays last year; I’m not allowing myself to let that happen again. I realized it was OK to appear happy to my friends and family, I don’t have to prove my feelings about him to them by being miserable. I always thought if I didn’t show the world how bad I felt, my feelings weren’t genuine. But I know my truth, I know the depth of my feeling, and that’s all that matters. I felt disappointed he didn’t contact me for Christmas but really, why should he at this point. He’s an addict, he’s irrational, and I haven’t contacted him hardly at all in the last 6 months. Where do my expectations end?
When I first started the no contact with Rich I was terrified that since he such a liar, did he ever cheat on me? Did he give me a disease? ALL I wanted to do was call him and demand the truth. Because before, talking to him made me feel better in itself. I really don’t think he ever cheated on me, but knowing how pointless it was to expect honestly from a liar only made me more frustrated—but my newfound knowledge of my own crazy behavior (including unrealistic expectations) and the commitment I’d made to myself in terms of having no contact kept me OFF the phone last 4th of July, when I thought I was losing my mind completely. Ultimately I accepted that fact and realized only I could take care of me. I remained in today only and dealt with first things first. No sense worrying about tomorrow. Yeah, I used all the slogans. Well, last Wednesday I went my doctor to get a physical and my 6-month HIV test (it had been 6 months and three days since my last time with him). Thank God, I am negative. And I would have had the same results if I had called him last 4th of July—but I proved to myself that I was strong enough not to HAVE to. I didn’t die. I got through it without his help. I trusted in me and God—not Rich.
When he showed up at my house this past Saturday, it was genuinely shocking. And confusing. I didn’t know what to do first, didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I hadn’t seen his face in 6 months and 13 days. Some emotion came back. I felt blown away by his fearlessness and arrogance at just showing up at my door, how still he doesn’t take me or all I went through at all seriously. The same fearlessness and arrogance that I was so attracted to in the beginning, and still am a little, if I’m being honest. But I also felt happy to see him, he looked just fine, same old Rich—for all the worrying I do!
After my encounter with him, I went on with my day. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that six months ago I would have spent the day in bed crying over this. I would have felt so guilty about saying no to lunch and then having him walk away—as I said, there was a time when I couldn’t even bear not to return a phone call immediately or without explanation. ALL those useless explanations of why I was doing what I was doing, what I was thinking. The explanations that made me feel better, but that changed nothing in terms of his actions. None of which is to say this is comfortable for me, to be so unapologetic. But it’s gotten so much easier, and it’s what’s best for me right now.
Maybe a couple months down the road I’ll want to be friends with him and give him my number again. Because he’s not a bad guy. Maybe I’ll feel detached enough from him that I can have him in my life and have lunch or go to a museum or a movie or whatever else, with entirely different expectations. Accept that with him, what you see is what you get. Or maybe, as the Al Anon lady said, the healthier I get and the more I learn to love myself, I won’t want him in my life. I can’t fathom that right now, but there was a time I couldn’t fathom doing any of the stuff I am doing these days, either. That’s the amazing part!!
I dunno what he’ll do next, but I won’t stress over it. You just never know with him. I’ll take each thing as it comes. Fortunately he was never a threat or dangerous or mean to me. My emotional setbacks are the only things that worry me with Rich. I still don’t feel angry with him; I still wish the best for him and I still care for him.
On New Year’s Eve, I stayed home alone, because for some reason after this turbulent year that was so full of revelations, it’s just what I wanted to do. I made a list of all the things that I hope manifest in my life in 2007, and I feel hopeful. Dare I say I might be getting closer to this ‘serenity’ thing everyone’s always talking about?
Just thought I’d share what I’m feeling today—however fleeting it may turn out to be, lol—because so many of you here have helped me time and again to deal with one situation or another in my little saga here. This forum has, I think, helped me more than Al Anon in the day to day, due to the constant communication and reinforcement that I immersed myself in on a daily basis. So I appreciate all of you guys who have always been there for me, and I hope everything all of you are hopeful for manifests in 2007, too. And I guess for all the newcomers I just want to say, things can and do change. Sometimes you feel like nothing is happening, but it is. One day you realize you’re doing things you never thought you could before.
Thanks again for reading, and for everything. Love you guys.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I love this post.
I remember when you came to us and all the struggles.....
Sounds like you might just be getting that "senerity" I could not be happier for you. Thank you SO much, these are the post that keep me here at SR.
I remember when you came to us and all the struggles.....
Sounds like you might just be getting that "senerity" I could not be happier for you. Thank you SO much, these are the post that keep me here at SR.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
