new guy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: boston ma
Posts: 4
new guy
i've been an alcoholic ever since i can remember.
married for 5 years now. been with my wife for 10. we have two kids 4.5 and 1.5 years old.
sometime after our second child was born my drinking became progressively worse and worse up untill a few months ago where i would drink 7 days a week untill i passed out on the couch, computer chair, or in bed if i made it to bed. i knew i had a problem but it wasn't ruffling too many feathers {in my eyes} so it went on and on.
my wife filed for divorce two months ago,,, and that was a good thing for my drinking, as i stopped cold right then.
she sais she has to do whats best for her and the kids at two months ago it was filing for divorce. i know it wasn't an easy thing for her to do.
since i've stopped drinking. after 30 days she sais to me "the only thing thats changed is you've stopped drinking" "were still not talking to each other,,still thinking of myself first".
we've been to court and got temp. support orders. which i did not fight at all.
she's told me point blank she does not love me anymore. but at the same time she says if i didn't care i wouldn't be here ** we still live together}
i've tried to assure her i'm a different person now, i hate how i was. since the first 30 day talk i've absolutely given up all my wants and try very hard to put her,kids,everything else first, helping arround the house, laundry, cleaning, etc.. i have ALOT of time on my hands now that i'm not drinking so i go on cleaning sprees and soo on.
anyways i'm rambling.
my fear is that i've screwed up my marrage so bad that it can NEVER be the same.
on the other hand, i keep telling myself that I/we can work this out if i just keep this sober life up.
she sees it as a last ditch effort to not loose my wife/family.that if she drops this divorce i will go right back to my old ways.
i'm getting counseling on a weekly basis. going to more AA meetings. trying to live the sober life..
i get NO posative reinforcement from her in my eyes. whell i guess the fact she is still here is positive.
my therapist says i've had an affair with the bottle for the past two years.
gotta run for now
thanks for listening.
married for 5 years now. been with my wife for 10. we have two kids 4.5 and 1.5 years old.
sometime after our second child was born my drinking became progressively worse and worse up untill a few months ago where i would drink 7 days a week untill i passed out on the couch, computer chair, or in bed if i made it to bed. i knew i had a problem but it wasn't ruffling too many feathers {in my eyes} so it went on and on.
my wife filed for divorce two months ago,,, and that was a good thing for my drinking, as i stopped cold right then.
she sais she has to do whats best for her and the kids at two months ago it was filing for divorce. i know it wasn't an easy thing for her to do.
since i've stopped drinking. after 30 days she sais to me "the only thing thats changed is you've stopped drinking" "were still not talking to each other,,still thinking of myself first".
we've been to court and got temp. support orders. which i did not fight at all.
she's told me point blank she does not love me anymore. but at the same time she says if i didn't care i wouldn't be here ** we still live together}
i've tried to assure her i'm a different person now, i hate how i was. since the first 30 day talk i've absolutely given up all my wants and try very hard to put her,kids,everything else first, helping arround the house, laundry, cleaning, etc.. i have ALOT of time on my hands now that i'm not drinking so i go on cleaning sprees and soo on.
anyways i'm rambling.
my fear is that i've screwed up my marrage so bad that it can NEVER be the same.
on the other hand, i keep telling myself that I/we can work this out if i just keep this sober life up.
she sees it as a last ditch effort to not loose my wife/family.that if she drops this divorce i will go right back to my old ways.
i'm getting counseling on a weekly basis. going to more AA meetings. trying to live the sober life..
i get NO posative reinforcement from her in my eyes. whell i guess the fact she is still here is positive.
my therapist says i've had an affair with the bottle for the past two years.
gotta run for now
thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hello and Welcome,
By the time I stopped drinking, my family had given up on me too. They were tired of it. They just wanted me to get better, but made it clear that it was my problem and completely up to me to fix it, or not. Thankfully my marriage survived and so did my relationship with my kids. All you can do is not drink and try to move forward spiritually, emotionally and physically. Show your family that you mean what you say. Be patient with your family as much as you can and understand how skeptical your wife feels.
There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
By the time I stopped drinking, my family had given up on me too. They were tired of it. They just wanted me to get better, but made it clear that it was my problem and completely up to me to fix it, or not. Thankfully my marriage survived and so did my relationship with my kids. All you can do is not drink and try to move forward spiritually, emotionally and physically. Show your family that you mean what you say. Be patient with your family as much as you can and understand how skeptical your wife feels.
There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
"the only thing thats changed is you've stopped drinking"
We have to learn how to live life. Stopping drinking is the easy part. I've found AA really helos in this aspect. I've only got 60 days & change, but already I'm a different person.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
I think you are getting a lot of support ... she hasn't left outright. She is upset and hurt. It will take time to heal that. Think about it, it took 2 yrs to mess things up, why should a mere 30 days resolve things?
Keep up what you are doing, you actually sound like you are getting happy and healthy.
Peace, Levi
Keep up what you are doing, you actually sound like you are getting happy and healthy.
Peace, Levi
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Bangor, maine
Posts: 78
Noonne,
Idrank my way out of a relationship, but although it hurt at the time, it turned out to be vastly the best thing for me. What you don't want to hear is that recovery sometimes has to be a selfish proces where you have to think about yourself, and take care of yourself, and heal yourself.
A big problem I had in life is that people made plans for me, had ideas for me, and the only thing missing from that was well--me. A lot of other people's wants and demands were a lot easier to swallow, when I was well--swallowing.
I think the real danger here is if things don't go the way you want with your familly situation, you may want to give up and throw in the towel. Their misgivings about you is the fact they do not accept the fact you have a disease, and have an addiction. It may still need to run a rough course.
Short of joining a fashionable mind control cult, I can not understand how it is reasonable for someone to expect you to change over night without some kind of support and favorable understanding.
Idrank my way out of a relationship, but although it hurt at the time, it turned out to be vastly the best thing for me. What you don't want to hear is that recovery sometimes has to be a selfish proces where you have to think about yourself, and take care of yourself, and heal yourself.
A big problem I had in life is that people made plans for me, had ideas for me, and the only thing missing from that was well--me. A lot of other people's wants and demands were a lot easier to swallow, when I was well--swallowing.
I think the real danger here is if things don't go the way you want with your familly situation, you may want to give up and throw in the towel. Their misgivings about you is the fact they do not accept the fact you have a disease, and have an addiction. It may still need to run a rough course.
Short of joining a fashionable mind control cult, I can not understand how it is reasonable for someone to expect you to change over night without some kind of support and favorable understanding.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Searching my way thru this journey called life..
Posts: 149
Our stories sound so much a like, I have a 1.5 year old and my wife almost made me move out if I did not stop and fix things. I still may not have a grip on things and fall from time to time but she can see that I am trying and that is a good start at healing...
Day 9 so far...
______
I believe in fate and destination, but so much of that lies in our own hands, If you know what you want, just go on out and get it, don't give up, If you want love, you've got to give a little, If you want faith, you just believe a little, If you want peace, turn your cheek a little, you see you've got to give to live! (Van Halen/Sammy Hagar)
Day 9 so far...
______
I believe in fate and destination, but so much of that lies in our own hands, If you know what you want, just go on out and get it, don't give up, If you want love, you've got to give a little, If you want faith, you just believe a little, If you want peace, turn your cheek a little, you see you've got to give to live! (Van Halen/Sammy Hagar)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: boston ma
Posts: 4
thanks for the support.
i realize things take time to heal and change i guess i thought it would all be kisses and roses once i stopped.
she sais she can't just forget about the last two years and she fell out of love with me. she's two years ahead of me right now.
i know i've done some dumb things while i was drinking. i myself am just starting to realize what alchohlizm is and how it can be all controlling. i've lost complete controll over my self and booze ran my life, my thoughts, and my actions.
i've told her i need some time, and a little bit of trust.
she sais if it looks to good to be true {the new me} it probably is.
i guess time is what we need.
thanks again,
even this helps.
i realize things take time to heal and change i guess i thought it would all be kisses and roses once i stopped.
she sais she can't just forget about the last two years and she fell out of love with me. she's two years ahead of me right now.
i know i've done some dumb things while i was drinking. i myself am just starting to realize what alchohlizm is and how it can be all controlling. i've lost complete controll over my self and booze ran my life, my thoughts, and my actions.
i've told her i need some time, and a little bit of trust.
she sais if it looks to good to be true {the new me} it probably is.
i guess time is what we need.
thanks again,
even this helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: boston ma
Posts: 4
an update and some advice needed.
i go to AA every day now. sometimes twice a day when my sponsor is available for night meetings.I got my 60 day chip last week and i'm doing great. better than ever. i read from the big book several times a day. i'm hooked on sobriaty.
so why do i feel so hopeless and doomed ???
i don't know what to do or say for my wife to understand/believe that this is really true. i'm a different person now. like i was when we first met. even better.she shuts me out. i tell her i'm trying to be the best i can and i cannot stop doing this, but she still sees it a a last ditch effort to stop this divorce and save my marrige..
whell it is!!
that i would never have stopped if she didn't file for divorce. true again.
i honestly never want to go back to bieng drunk every day and making stupid decisions like i was doing. i really don't know how i lost total controll over my thinking, my actions, everything,, my family was not my #1 prority as it should be. I was.. i can't explain it, i can't give excuses for it.i can't apolagize for it...
i still see an adictions therapist once a week and we've started couples counciling weekly.
when we first went to counciling together it was my idea that this therapist would help us to put our marrige back together. but she was firm that there is still no hope. it didn't take long for the counselor to relize we were not on the same page.. so now it feels this coulselor is helping us get divorced??? talking about how to do this as peasefull as possible for the children..
is she there to help repair this marrige or to help seperate us???
i've told my wife and the counselor that i realize there is nothing i can do or say "right now" to change the way my wife feels.
it's very frustrating for me now. i pray every day for god to guide me to do the right thing and keep on my path. and to help my wife see that things really are different now. she's still firm that she will not pick up the pieces when in 6 months or 2 years that when this happens again. and this is best for her and the children right now.
she came with me to my adictions therapist and it was the same thing. how i'm doing wonderfull. she can't believe it. my relationship is so much better with the kids..... but there's still the HUGE gaping hole of ,,,,,,,,,, US.
every day the horible past gets further away and the better things get, but,,, every day the future gets closer and closer and i feel even more pressure to make right what i've done wrong.
i basicly have two choices here.
to just give up and say "screw it". or to keep trying as hard as it is..
she admits i'm a way better person than i was and i deserve to be this way. my kids deserve it. but there is just no forgiveness it seems from her. no will to try, to accept this.. it's very frustrating.
every moment of the day my mind is battling, and it's very tough to keep a level head and do/say the right things.
i prayed for god to finaly end the suffering and the misery and he did.. my wife and my kids are not suffering anymore.
then there's ME
i go to AA every day now. sometimes twice a day when my sponsor is available for night meetings.I got my 60 day chip last week and i'm doing great. better than ever. i read from the big book several times a day. i'm hooked on sobriaty.
so why do i feel so hopeless and doomed ???
i don't know what to do or say for my wife to understand/believe that this is really true. i'm a different person now. like i was when we first met. even better.she shuts me out. i tell her i'm trying to be the best i can and i cannot stop doing this, but she still sees it a a last ditch effort to stop this divorce and save my marrige..
whell it is!!
that i would never have stopped if she didn't file for divorce. true again.
i honestly never want to go back to bieng drunk every day and making stupid decisions like i was doing. i really don't know how i lost total controll over my thinking, my actions, everything,, my family was not my #1 prority as it should be. I was.. i can't explain it, i can't give excuses for it.i can't apolagize for it...
i still see an adictions therapist once a week and we've started couples counciling weekly.
when we first went to counciling together it was my idea that this therapist would help us to put our marrige back together. but she was firm that there is still no hope. it didn't take long for the counselor to relize we were not on the same page.. so now it feels this coulselor is helping us get divorced??? talking about how to do this as peasefull as possible for the children..
is she there to help repair this marrige or to help seperate us???
i've told my wife and the counselor that i realize there is nothing i can do or say "right now" to change the way my wife feels.
it's very frustrating for me now. i pray every day for god to guide me to do the right thing and keep on my path. and to help my wife see that things really are different now. she's still firm that she will not pick up the pieces when in 6 months or 2 years that when this happens again. and this is best for her and the children right now.
she came with me to my adictions therapist and it was the same thing. how i'm doing wonderfull. she can't believe it. my relationship is so much better with the kids..... but there's still the HUGE gaping hole of ,,,,,,,,,, US.
every day the horible past gets further away and the better things get, but,,, every day the future gets closer and closer and i feel even more pressure to make right what i've done wrong.
i basicly have two choices here.
to just give up and say "screw it". or to keep trying as hard as it is..
she admits i'm a way better person than i was and i deserve to be this way. my kids deserve it. but there is just no forgiveness it seems from her. no will to try, to accept this.. it's very frustrating.
every moment of the day my mind is battling, and it's very tough to keep a level head and do/say the right things.
i prayed for god to finaly end the suffering and the misery and he did.. my wife and my kids are not suffering anymore.
then there's ME
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
