deax

I hope everyone had a good holiday. Mine was pretty peaceful with my family-- which was shocking! I've been putting a lot of the stuff I'm learning in therapy to work with them, and it's working! I won't get into specifics but twice this Christmas I noticed when I was experiencing "misdirected anger" towards my mom and I "found my voice" and talked to my aunt firsthand to clarify something she said, which diffused the situation. My therapist was very proud of me on both counts. Those are things she told me to start looking for in my emotional reactions to things. My family also all gave me stuff to set up an apartment since they know I want to move out by the summer-- and you guys who have heard about my family know how huge that is for them.

So the holidays went ok, but I feel disappointed about Richie. Nothing major, but I'm gonna be very honest. He no longer has my cell number and I didn't give it to him last time I spoke to him, but he did have my mom's house number. So I thought I'd hear from him around Christmas or I'd get a Christmas card from him. Something. I got nothing. And I feel disappointed, even though I know I shouldn't.

Last time we spoke he admitted to smoking crack almost the whole time we had been together. When we hung up I said I would call him within the next 2 weeks, and I never did. I didn't acknowledge his birthday. I didn't wish him a Merry Christmas. I haven't really been taking his calls since July.

My therapist said I am still playing games. She said if I want to talk to him, or if I want him to call, to just call him and give him my number. She said I'm expert at playing games. But I don't mean to.We all know I've been staying away from contact with him because it's good for me. But there's a big part of me that still wants him to be calling and chasing after me. And I just plain miss him too. I enjoyed having him in my life, despite all the drama.

I guess I wanna be friends with him? Am I ready for that- I dunno! And I don't know what kind of message I'd be sending now, if I tried. It's too soon. I feel like I may never hear from him again now, he's giving up at this point. I'm not awfully depressed but he's been on my mind more again lately. I should let him go especially now, and if he ever really cleans up I may hear from him then... but I don't know if that'll ever happen.

AND I'm not on good terms with his family who are in close contact to me, so he can't even get my number from them even if he wanted to. They don't like me much these days, and the feeling is mutual.

I don't know how else to explain it. Do you guys know what I'm getting at? I miss him again, now that he's stopped calling/trying. Meanwhile a month ago he was still so clueless he was still using terms of endearment and stuff when I got upset, like we were still a couple. I was so devastated, I dunno if that's why he's not calling, or becuase he's giving up at this point since I've said I don't want any contact, or if he's really working this program and his sponsor told him not to.... which I hesitate to believe snce he's lied to me so many times. I dunno.

Help me figure this out, please. :Hmmm: Maybe the holidays set me back a bit with him... we had a lot of drama at the holidays last year too but I loved buying him stuff, we put up a tree together at his place, etc.

prodigal

It's just a bump on your road to recovery, which is a never-ending road. I don't mean that in a negative way, I just mean we always continue learning more about ourselves, and learning to accept what is.

You mention you want to be friends with him, but you also mention that he admitted to smoking crack the whole time you were together. Do you want to be friends with anyone who is a crack addict? Do you want to be friends with someone who deceives you? It doesnt' sound like the type of character traits I would seek in a friend or a potential friend.

You miss the "stuff" you did with him, but it's the "stuff" not the man. I think a good deal of this has to do with the holidays. We are all so saturated by the media with seeing the "perfect" family opening gifts around the tree and sitting down to their holiday feast. That is far from reality, isn't it?

It's pretty understandable that he wouldn't contact you. You haven't contact him, so he is reciprocating. At least he isn't calling you all the time and harrassing you!

I'm sorry you miss him, but you have done well getting on with your life. Get busy living and doing things with friends. This will pass. The holidays are hard on all of us to some degree or another!

deax

I know and I'm not sure why this isn't enough. I've cut girl friends out of my life for muuuch less than this! I know a romantic relationship is different but it amazes me how the lines get blurred, lines that are so clear outside of that relationship. No, I don't want to be friends with any crackheads or especially anyone who deceived me so badly. But I guess a part of me still just can't believe it. If this were anyone else who were in my position, I would say RUN and why would you want anything to do with this jerk? It's weird.

And if he did keep calling and harassing me, that would totally turn me off to him. So on the one hand I'm grateful he's not acting like that, and on the other hand it serves as more proof that he's not a completely irrational lunatic.

Thanks, prod. And yes, the holiday hype probably did have a lot to do with it. All those couples. It's also my control issues. I have no idea which way this may go, and I need to get more comfortable accepting that! Life on life's terms is a bitch for me.

prodigal

Yeah, like Mic Jagger said, "Life's a bit**, but it's still too short." You have feelings and they are your right to own. However, you have to base those feelings on correctly perceiving WHAT IS. Saying, "...but I love him," or "...I miss him," or "...I wish we were still a couple" is only a description of your feelings. They are not about who this man is, or your perception of what he should be about.

For our feelings to make sense they've got to be based on correctly perceiving something that is real. Your perceptions of him are correct. It's just your feelings that are getting in the way. We all have them, but we don't have to act on them.

lilac

I know exactly how you feel right now......Everything has been sooooo different this year. I think when I feel like I am missing "him", I may be missing my "dream with him"...........

(((HUGS)))

embraced2000

hey...our thanks buttons are back!!!!

deax....i understand how you feel....i did and still do the same. i have this real quirky antenna, radar, whatever you call it....with him......seems like only weeks can go by and i start thinking real hard on him...and whamo, he contacts me in some ugly way....and i go beserk.

i don't understand it.....but i'm trying to understand the triggers as to avoid these devastating episodes with his contacts.

it's just part of recovery process, i think.....and you seem to be doing so well.
keep up the hard work.

love to you
jeri