The rollercoaster ride with my son...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
The rollercoaster ride with my son...
is starting to make me feel sick. I can't find my original post here so I'll briefly tell the situation. My son is living with me after spending about 40 days in jail for not showing up in court (twice...two different courts). He came out of jail a "new man" and ready to start getting his life back in order after two years of alcohol and drugs. I had told him I wouldn't be able to help him unless he faced everything straight up and that's when he turned himself in to the court.
I had been hoping he would get the full 90 days, but the judge said it was suspended since he was coming to live with me. I swear, I even think judges are influenced by a young guy (35) with gorgeous blue eyes.
Here's the problem. It's been 2 months and he still doesn't have a job. He has put applications in all over town, he's called every ad that's in the paper, he's got a flyer out with tear-off tabs for "handyman" and he's told people at his AA meetings what his situation is. I feel the main reason he hasn't found work is because he lost his license and won't get it back until MAYBE Apr. 07. This means he can't take any jobs where he has to drive and nearly every job, and especially the kind of work he was doing (journeyman cable splicer) requires him to drive. On top of that, when the local jobs see what he was making before ($36 hr.), I'm sure they figure he won't stick around at a job paying $8 hr. That's about as much excuse I can make for him that seems legitimate.
I started out being very supportive, driving him everywhere he had to be like court, probation officers, drug/alcohol test (everyday), AA meetings, job applications, community service, counselor appointments, plus I was paying for all these, bought him some clothes and even paid to have a tooth fixed that was causing him not to smile. He finally got some work with a demolition company right down the road, but it's very random...just when they need an extra person for a job. They've told him there will be more work once it snows, but so far it's been totally dry here in Michigan. He doesn't seem to be trying to find anything else and yet he's still got all these fees and charges to pay each week. I feel like he considers the low paying jobs below him.
At this point I'm starting to feel like I've made it too easy for him and I'm fessing up to being codependent...I've even ordered the book, plus the Al-anon book and I'm going to my first face to face al-anon meeting tomorrow night. I'm waking up at 2 am worrying about my money running out and my health getting worse fromt the stress. (I have psoriasis and it flairs horribly when I'm stressed, plus my blood pressure is up)
So I'm at the point now where I have to redefine the boundaries of my "help" and what I'm willing to do. I have a difficult time confronting these issues and risking someone's anger, but I'm learning to stand up for myself and it's getting easier.
He's already messed up twice since he came here Oct. 23....first was on Nov. 14 when he evidently took a sip of alcohol, knowing he had to be tested. He didn't mention it to me, but I had seen the paper from the court and asked him about it....he said it was nothing, but I knew better so when he was gone I looked at it...probation violation and a new court date. He wouldn't fess up to it until I told him I saw the paper. Of course he accused me of snooping, but after we talked it out, he said he was glad it was in the open.
Second time was when he picked up his last paycheck ($100) and kept it in his pocket instead of giving it to me. Went out with a girl he met on the internet and gave HER $$ for gas for driving him around! Here I'm spending $80 mo on gas alone...well, you get the picture. He ended up blowing the rest on cigs and whatever and lied to me when I asked what he did with the check. About 3 days later he said he couldn't stand lieing to me anymore and told me. This was the day before he had to make a $200 payment to the court and I was holding $100 of his money from before. Guess he thought I was going to cover the rest of it, but I told him I don't have it so he paid the $100 and will get another probation violation. He's got another appointment Friday with both PO's for a total of $80 and he hasn't worked.
I guess I'm going to try to talk to him tonight and let him know that I'm not able and willing to be responsible for what he has to pay, so it looks like he may have to face going back to jail. This is where I'm breaking the codie chain...
I had been hoping he would get the full 90 days, but the judge said it was suspended since he was coming to live with me. I swear, I even think judges are influenced by a young guy (35) with gorgeous blue eyes.
Here's the problem. It's been 2 months and he still doesn't have a job. He has put applications in all over town, he's called every ad that's in the paper, he's got a flyer out with tear-off tabs for "handyman" and he's told people at his AA meetings what his situation is. I feel the main reason he hasn't found work is because he lost his license and won't get it back until MAYBE Apr. 07. This means he can't take any jobs where he has to drive and nearly every job, and especially the kind of work he was doing (journeyman cable splicer) requires him to drive. On top of that, when the local jobs see what he was making before ($36 hr.), I'm sure they figure he won't stick around at a job paying $8 hr. That's about as much excuse I can make for him that seems legitimate.
I started out being very supportive, driving him everywhere he had to be like court, probation officers, drug/alcohol test (everyday), AA meetings, job applications, community service, counselor appointments, plus I was paying for all these, bought him some clothes and even paid to have a tooth fixed that was causing him not to smile. He finally got some work with a demolition company right down the road, but it's very random...just when they need an extra person for a job. They've told him there will be more work once it snows, but so far it's been totally dry here in Michigan. He doesn't seem to be trying to find anything else and yet he's still got all these fees and charges to pay each week. I feel like he considers the low paying jobs below him.
At this point I'm starting to feel like I've made it too easy for him and I'm fessing up to being codependent...I've even ordered the book, plus the Al-anon book and I'm going to my first face to face al-anon meeting tomorrow night. I'm waking up at 2 am worrying about my money running out and my health getting worse fromt the stress. (I have psoriasis and it flairs horribly when I'm stressed, plus my blood pressure is up)
So I'm at the point now where I have to redefine the boundaries of my "help" and what I'm willing to do. I have a difficult time confronting these issues and risking someone's anger, but I'm learning to stand up for myself and it's getting easier.
He's already messed up twice since he came here Oct. 23....first was on Nov. 14 when he evidently took a sip of alcohol, knowing he had to be tested. He didn't mention it to me, but I had seen the paper from the court and asked him about it....he said it was nothing, but I knew better so when he was gone I looked at it...probation violation and a new court date. He wouldn't fess up to it until I told him I saw the paper. Of course he accused me of snooping, but after we talked it out, he said he was glad it was in the open.
Second time was when he picked up his last paycheck ($100) and kept it in his pocket instead of giving it to me. Went out with a girl he met on the internet and gave HER $$ for gas for driving him around! Here I'm spending $80 mo on gas alone...well, you get the picture. He ended up blowing the rest on cigs and whatever and lied to me when I asked what he did with the check. About 3 days later he said he couldn't stand lieing to me anymore and told me. This was the day before he had to make a $200 payment to the court and I was holding $100 of his money from before. Guess he thought I was going to cover the rest of it, but I told him I don't have it so he paid the $100 and will get another probation violation. He's got another appointment Friday with both PO's for a total of $80 and he hasn't worked.
I guess I'm going to try to talk to him tonight and let him know that I'm not able and willing to be responsible for what he has to pay, so it looks like he may have to face going back to jail. This is where I'm breaking the codie chain...
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Is staying with you part of his probation?
What incentive does he have to get a job, if you keep paying and paying?
I'd say cut the cord now.....but it's not my child, so easier said than done. Maybe it will become clearer after your meeting, let us know how that goes.
So there are no taxi's in your town to get to work? A bus perhaps? I would introduce him to public transportation.
What incentive does he have to get a job, if you keep paying and paying?
I'd say cut the cord now.....but it's not my child, so easier said than done. Maybe it will become clearer after your meeting, let us know how that goes.
So there are no taxi's in your town to get to work? A bus perhaps? I would introduce him to public transportation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
The judge said she was suspending his sentence on the basis that he would be staying with me. She didn't say if you lie to your mom, you'll go back to jail.
You're right about him having no incentive to find a job. That's why I think this incident is going to wake him up. I had the money to give him last week but I didn't because I know he has to face the consequences of his actions.
That's the one thing I've learned....it's actions, not words that give us hope.
It's a VERY small town...no taxi's or bus. He usually finds a ride to meetings with other A's who live nearby, but you're right, I should have let him walk instead of just being there to drive him around.
Thanks for the feedback and I'll report back when I've laid out my boundaries to him.
You're right about him having no incentive to find a job. That's why I think this incident is going to wake him up. I had the money to give him last week but I didn't because I know he has to face the consequences of his actions.
That's the one thing I've learned....it's actions, not words that give us hope.
It's a VERY small town...no taxi's or bus. He usually finds a ride to meetings with other A's who live nearby, but you're right, I should have let him walk instead of just being there to drive him around.
Thanks for the feedback and I'll report back when I've laid out my boundaries to him.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
You are doing the right thing by letting him take the consequences of his actions. He doesn't have the money and he's going to have to face that.
I wouldn't take any active action to get him jailed again. Jail is so dangerous - he could be raped or assaulted in there. I would tell him the free ride is over and you are not giving him any more rides or another red cent.
You've been a good mom.
I wouldn't take any active action to get him jailed again. Jail is so dangerous - he could be raped or assaulted in there. I would tell him the free ride is over and you are not giving him any more rides or another red cent.
You've been a good mom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
Thanks, WantsOut....it's hard to remember that sometimes (about being a good mom), but I know I've done what could at this point and now I just have to let him take over and pray that he has courage to use this opportunity to turn his life around.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i'm a mom of a recovering alcoholic, durango - i understand how hard it is. but i'm learning that the more she does for herself, the stronger she gets as far as self confindence and motivation. good luck - k
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Originally Posted by WantsOut 
You've been a good mom.
Sometimes we need to hear that once in awhile. It's tough always being the "bad guy", making the rules, taking care of everyone else.....
I look at my three kids, and know that the first two will be back time and time again, because I did too much for them. They are spoiled, selfish, and they think that MOM will always fix EVERYTHING for them. (12 and 14 yo)
Then there is the little one, that I let him do so much for himself that I feel like I'm neglecting him! He can brush his own teeth, dress himself, wash himself, get himself something to drink, and the list goes on and on....and I look back and think, that was all things that I kept doing for the other two, and some things that I keep doing (getting them up for school, fixing their breakfast, asking if they remembered this or that.....) that I really shouldn't be doing, but it is so hard to break the cycle.....I am working on it! Really...but like I said, it's easier said than done.
Every expert out there says, Kids WANT rules....I don't think it matters what age, so I think it's great that you are setting up your rules (boundaries), and sticking to them.
Another thing, and I can't remember if it was your post or not, son said you were snooping because you read his court papers......Court information is on PUBLIC RECORD online. Look up your county/clerk of courts and search by last name usually and I bet you will find out more than you wanted to know.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think it is important to set realistic goals. He may have made $35/hr. I'm not sure why he would list that as a salary requirement for jobs he now can not get to. Would you hire a guy who made that kind of money, got himself into trouble with it and now wants a second shot? You can't always restart at the top.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
I didn't get the chance to sit down and talk with him last night as I had planned (he's been housesitting for his sister all week), but I stopped by there today and told him that he would have to borrow money from someone to pay his probation officers tomorrow ($80) because I don't have it. I could tell he had been expecting me to cover it because his response was "oh, you're broke all of a sudden...just like that?"
Obviously, if I was in a healthy state of mind I would not be concerned with proving to him that my finances are at a somewhat critical state, and I must say, I didn't get into a debate about it, just flat told him the facts and said he can call his dad and ask to borrow the money. He didn't rage at me, which I contribute his control to his AA program, and I left it at that and came home. It's been about 4 hours and I've been working on a letter to him that I feel will put our situation back into perspective (I hope...). I just called him and asked if he would go to a new meeting tonight (in another town) where they have an Al-anon mtg. at the same time. He was surprisingly agreeable and seemed pleased that I am going to a meeting too. I think it shows him that I'm 100% aware that he's not the only one with problems that need to be worked on.
I don't know if I can get everything said in my letter to him, but if ANY of it helps us get through another day, then it's worthwhile. I really have a hard time getting everything said to his face. Actually, to anyone's face...another of my personal defects.
But at least I'm encouraged where this morning I was discouraged. I haven't asked him if he borrowed the money for tomorrow. My fear is that he hasn't and that means either I give it to him in spite of what I said, or he adds a 3rd probation violation to his record. (1st was a sip of alcohol .007, 2nd was paying only 1/2 of his schedule court fee)
It has to be his responsibility to stay out of jail, right? But this vicious circle of no license, so he can't get a decent job to pay all the court fees, etc., seems a bit unfair. How does anyone overcome this at the same time they're starting their recovery? I realize these are his consequences, but jeez...it's enough to drive someone (ME) to drink!!
Obviously, if I was in a healthy state of mind I would not be concerned with proving to him that my finances are at a somewhat critical state, and I must say, I didn't get into a debate about it, just flat told him the facts and said he can call his dad and ask to borrow the money. He didn't rage at me, which I contribute his control to his AA program, and I left it at that and came home. It's been about 4 hours and I've been working on a letter to him that I feel will put our situation back into perspective (I hope...). I just called him and asked if he would go to a new meeting tonight (in another town) where they have an Al-anon mtg. at the same time. He was surprisingly agreeable and seemed pleased that I am going to a meeting too. I think it shows him that I'm 100% aware that he's not the only one with problems that need to be worked on.
I don't know if I can get everything said in my letter to him, but if ANY of it helps us get through another day, then it's worthwhile. I really have a hard time getting everything said to his face. Actually, to anyone's face...another of my personal defects.
But at least I'm encouraged where this morning I was discouraged. I haven't asked him if he borrowed the money for tomorrow. My fear is that he hasn't and that means either I give it to him in spite of what I said, or he adds a 3rd probation violation to his record. (1st was a sip of alcohol .007, 2nd was paying only 1/2 of his schedule court fee)
It has to be his responsibility to stay out of jail, right? But this vicious circle of no license, so he can't get a decent job to pay all the court fees, etc., seems a bit unfair. How does anyone overcome this at the same time they're starting their recovery? I realize these are his consequences, but jeez...it's enough to drive someone (ME) to drink!!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by mallowcup
I think it is important to set realistic goals. He may have made $35/hr. I'm not sure why he would list that as a salary requirement for jobs he now can not get to. Would you hire a guy who made that kind of money, got himself into trouble with it and now wants a second shot? You can't always restart at the top.
I'm just afraid (as my previous post shows) that two months out of jail and still nothing much happening, that his attitude is slipping. I suppose I have to expect that, but how do I still help him and keep myself sane? I'm sure the face to face meeting tonight will help a lot.
Thanks for the feedback!
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
<<"oh, you're broke all of a sudden...just like that?" >>
Oh boy, did that make me smile. My son says stuff like that sometimes, but my son is still a kid. Your son needs to grow up a bit and not bailing him out anymore (literally and figuratively) will go very far in making that happen.
Stay strong Mom. Cruel to be kind, baby. Cruel to be kind.
Oh boy, did that make me smile. My son says stuff like that sometimes, but my son is still a kid. Your son needs to grow up a bit and not bailing him out anymore (literally and figuratively) will go very far in making that happen.
Stay strong Mom. Cruel to be kind, baby. Cruel to be kind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
I went to my first meeting (in 10 years) last night. My AS went to the AA mtg. at the same time and we had a good conversation about it on the way home. Now if I can just make myself get there every week and, a biggie for me, call someone when I'm feeling stressed out, then I think I'll be on the road to recovery.
AS must be using his HP to get him through this because he is facing his 2 probation officers today without the money he's supposed to pay them. His younger (half)brother picked him up and is taking him to the appts. (2 different districts). I guess the worst that can happen is they will give him another court date for a probation violation. Or, it's possible that his brother might offer to loan him the money. I'm quite sure that AS has made a few comments about me "cutting him off", but really, I'm not going to try to predict what he said or didn't say...that's out of my control. See? I learned something already.
One thing I DO know is that it was tough watching him leave the house without the money to pay the PO's. Whew. It sure seems easier to cover the legal stuff and try to convince him later that he's GOT to take this responsibility and find a job, even if there IS none! I guess I'm still thinking that he and I can do this together. He IS managing the not drinking and going to meetings, but not much else. I even told him that I'm proud of him for what he's doing but he's got to do more than just stay sober.
I wrote the letter I mentioned yesterday, but haven't given it to him yet. Still afraid of saying what I feel. I guess I'll wait and see what the results are from his appointments, plus his attitude, then decide whether it's worth the effort to give it to him.
I noticed at the meeting last night that my psoriasis has spread down my arms and on my hands. The outbreak is due to the added stress. Crap!!
AS must be using his HP to get him through this because he is facing his 2 probation officers today without the money he's supposed to pay them. His younger (half)brother picked him up and is taking him to the appts. (2 different districts). I guess the worst that can happen is they will give him another court date for a probation violation. Or, it's possible that his brother might offer to loan him the money. I'm quite sure that AS has made a few comments about me "cutting him off", but really, I'm not going to try to predict what he said or didn't say...that's out of my control. See? I learned something already.
One thing I DO know is that it was tough watching him leave the house without the money to pay the PO's. Whew. It sure seems easier to cover the legal stuff and try to convince him later that he's GOT to take this responsibility and find a job, even if there IS none! I guess I'm still thinking that he and I can do this together. He IS managing the not drinking and going to meetings, but not much else. I even told him that I'm proud of him for what he's doing but he's got to do more than just stay sober.
I wrote the letter I mentioned yesterday, but haven't given it to him yet. Still afraid of saying what I feel. I guess I'll wait and see what the results are from his appointments, plus his attitude, then decide whether it's worth the effort to give it to him.
I noticed at the meeting last night that my psoriasis has spread down my arms and on my hands. The outbreak is due to the added stress. Crap!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 42
Into the fire...
Even though my journey with my son has only begun, I have heard some of the same things your son says to you. I can not begin to add up the money the time and the heartbreak he has inflicted upon me over the years, because of the choices he made and continues to make. I know it is hard, every second, every moment, I think I am helping, a voice inside (and the voices of those on SR) tell me I am not. He must fall, completely, before he can walk, if I am breaking that fall with my help, he will never walk.
I understand everything your going through, as though they are my words. Hang in there...I am sending you a big hug.
I understand everything your going through, as though they are my words. Hang in there...I am sending you a big hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
Thanks so much for your response....this statement was very helpful to me: "if I am breaking that fall with my help, he will never walk." It's something we know deep down, but need to hear it outside of our own heads.
I'm looking forward to going to more meetings and eventually getting a sponsor in Al-anon. It makes me feel more in tune with my son's AA program and I'm realizing that as much as I thought I knew about both programs, my following the al-anon principles is going to help my son so much more than my trying to "help" him. This morning I've been reading a book I got yesterday called "Paths to Recovery"....it's an Al-anon book. I got it used from Amazon. It's explaining the steps, traditions and concepts of al-anon and even though I'm only on the part about step 2, I've already had an awakening that helps me see the problem I'm causing by trying to manage HIS consequences...don't know if that makes sense, but I was feeling guilty about not giving him the money for his probation appointments until I read this part of the book that says exactly what you said above....it's not my responsibility and it's not helping him if I cover his problems. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
See what one meeting can do? I hope you've found your way to al-anon too and I wish the best for all of us....I have lots of hope too, for us moms and our sons.
I'm looking forward to going to more meetings and eventually getting a sponsor in Al-anon. It makes me feel more in tune with my son's AA program and I'm realizing that as much as I thought I knew about both programs, my following the al-anon principles is going to help my son so much more than my trying to "help" him. This morning I've been reading a book I got yesterday called "Paths to Recovery"....it's an Al-anon book. I got it used from Amazon. It's explaining the steps, traditions and concepts of al-anon and even though I'm only on the part about step 2, I've already had an awakening that helps me see the problem I'm causing by trying to manage HIS consequences...don't know if that makes sense, but I was feeling guilty about not giving him the money for his probation appointments until I read this part of the book that says exactly what you said above....it's not my responsibility and it's not helping him if I cover his problems. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
See what one meeting can do?
I hope you've found your way to al-anon too and I wish the best for all of us....I have lots of hope too, for us moms and our sons.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
I can see why, Denny! I'm wanting to get back to it as soon as I get done posting this! I love it when something hits me between the eyes so perfectly and it wasn't even about me. That's the beauty of these programs and I was primed and ready for this right now in my life. I can't wait to relate my new awakening to my son....I'm pretty sure he'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe he won't, but at least I won't be worrying about what he thinks about MY recovery!
I love it when something hits me between the eyes so perfectly and it wasn't even about me. That's the beauty of these programs and I was primed and ready for this right now in my life. I can't wait to relate my new awakening to my son....I'm pretty sure he'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe he won't, but at least I won't be worrying about what he thinks about MY recovery! Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Durango
I can see why, Denny! I'm wanting to get back to it as soon as I get done posting this! I love it when something hits me between the eyes so perfectly and it wasn't even about me. That's the beauty of these programs and I was primed and ready for this right now in my life. I can't wait to relate my new awakening to my son....I'm pretty sure he'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe he won't, but at least I won't be worrying about what he thinks about MY recovery!
I love it when something hits me between the eyes so perfectly and it wasn't even about me. That's the beauty of these programs and I was primed and ready for this right now in my life. I can't wait to relate my new awakening to my son....I'm pretty sure he'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe he won't, but at least I won't be worrying about what he thinks about MY recovery! Isn't it true - we get better no matter what happens with everyone else. How great is that?
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Durango
My son...Here's the problem. It's been months and he still doesn't have a job. ....
I started out being very supportive, driving him everywhere he had to be like court, probation officers, drug/alcohol test (everyday), AA meetings, job applications, community service, counselor appointments, plus I was paying for all these,....
I started out being very supportive, driving him everywhere he had to be like court, probation officers, drug/alcohol test (everyday), AA meetings, job applications, community service, counselor appointments, plus I was paying for all these,....
Originally Posted by Durango
.... I'm waking up at 2 am worrying about my money running out and my health getting worse fromt the stress. (I have psoriasis and it flairs horribly when I'm stressed, plus my blood pressure is up)
Originally Posted by Durango
So I'm at the point now where I have to redefine the boundaries of my "help" and what I'm willing to do. I have a difficult time confronting these issues and risking someone's anger, but I'm learning to stand up for myself and it's getting easier.
He's already messed up twice since he came here Oct. 23....
I guess I'm going to try to talk to him tonight and let him know that I'm not able and willing to be responsible for what he has to pay, so it looks like he may have to face going back to jail. This is where I'm breaking the codie chain...
He's already messed up twice since he came here Oct. 23....
I guess I'm going to try to talk to him tonight and let him know that I'm not able and willing to be responsible for what he has to pay, so it looks like he may have to face going back to jail. This is where I'm breaking the codie chain...
Hi Durango -
Wow, I read your post closely because it sounds so much like my own situation. I can really relate to everything you are saying... My 23 year old alcoholic daughter goes to AA, but she regularly slips....I foot the bill for a lot of her requirements, except after she spent some of her rent money last fall, I set a firm boundary that I would not pay her rent... (she lives in a town nearby and welfare takes care of that)...
being an alcoholic, she spent 150 dollars of her rent money over Christmas, and of course, she expected me to pay the difference. After almost getting physically sick, and after much turmoil, I said no - very simply, a boundary is a boundary... but I did suggest some ways she could manage that situation for herself...
It is so hard dealing with an alcoholic aldult child - al-anon gives me tremendous strength, especially in setting and keeping healthy boundaries... It sounds like you're getting a good start on your recovery!
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