hopeintahoe

This is my first post here and am seeking some advice. I am a male who has been married to an A for 14 years, she once had 5 years of sobirity but has been active now for 6 years. I have been in Al-Anon for about 8 months, have a sponsor and am working on step 2. My A will get some weeks of sobrity then go back out, this is driving me crazy. My problem is that I can't seem to stop thinking of when the next time will be during these dry periods, I pray, read, and go to meetings but the brain always comes back. Any thoughts would be helpful. Also I want you to know that I have been sober for 19 years now and wonder if this makes it more difficult for me, I know there is a better way to live. Thank You

prodigal

Well, let me start by saying welcome and I'm glad you are here. All of us have lived with, or are living with, an A and have experienced similar things. You are obsessing. Call your sponsor when you start worryng when the next binge will begin. As long as you allow your mind to go there, it will. I believe it is natural to have that "Oh no, when is it going to happen again," sense of dread. But we also have the ability to let it go.

Go to the mall. Go to a movie. Go grocery shopping. Bring your focus back to a project at work. Work out. Take a yoga class (meditation is great for getting the focus on you and off the obsessing). Go visit friends. Read a book in bed until you get sleepy (although I've heard it's not a good idea to read in bed - but it works for me!). Watch something on t.v. Do whatever you need to do to get your focus off the addict.

I can't tell you the countless hours I've spent furtively watching my AH out the side of my eye to see what he's drinking, what he's eating, who he's talking to on the phone. Heck, I ended up being one sick puppy!! When I caught myself doing such things, I'd run into the office, jump on the computer, and play a mindless game of solitaire. It got me out of obsessive-mode.

Again, welcome and keep posting.

NoChoice

I have been sober for 12 years and in sobriety, I married my husband and once we were married he could no longer keep up with his own lies. His disease had progressed really fast. I could not see what I did not want to see. He has never been sober. He doesn't think there is a problem. I guess the point I am trying to make is that even though I am sober, going to meetings working a program I did not see how detrimental being in that situation as for me. I never felt like drinking but as an alcoholic I know it is cunning baffling and powerful. I have seen and hear in meetings the power alcohol has. To go home to my husband yanked any kind of serenity from me because I never knew what was coming, I was on eggshells all the time. I was fearful and paranoid.

I had to move out of my house. I think that I got outta there so fast is because I have been in this arena (AA and Alanon) for a long time. I am powerless over alcohol for me or anyone else. I had to quit living like that a long time ago. I remember thinking that "I did not get sober to live like this." Everybody is different. I could not stay. I could not live in the insanity any longer.

Wish you peace and strength, I know it is so hard to be there.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... Wow 19 years.... very impressive.

I would imagine that it’s probably hard for you to deal with the relapses when you have so much sobriety and choose to live a clean life. Obsessing about when she will do it again though is not going to do you any good... well other then to drive you nuts.

I’m the queen of obsessing and trust me all I got for it is headaches and the assignment of a 4th step from my sponsor. When I start to obsess I know there is something wrong with me inside too… things like what boundaries I’m not keeping or what boundaries I need to put in place. Not enough reading etc….

I’m glad to hear your going to Al-anon, it works wonders for me. Good luck with your alcoholic and keep posting…. It helps to get it out of your system. I look forward to getting to know you.

laurie6781

Hope In Tahoe:

Some of the best AA and Al-anon I have ever attended I attended in Tahoe and Carson City. Yes I am in both, rofl.

I think if you concentrate and work on both 12 step programs, in other words, work on you and give your A to God you will find it a bit easier to live in the now, and eventually reach a decision of WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. You know, from your own sobriety, she will not do anything until she is ready.

Please remember the 3 C's.

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Oh, I almost forget..................WELCOME TO SR. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

mallowcup

Welcome! Boy do we all understand. I learned to read between the lines of those rules. You can stop at any point that you are the only one working the programs. You will have the life you choose, you aren't locked into anything. Leaving is perfectly acceptable, it is not wrong to leave someone who refuses to be someone you can count on.