hummingbird

I originally posted this in the substance abuse forum: (I apologize-I am new at this)

First of all I would like to commend everyone for sharing their personal life experiences. I know how hard that must be; I know I am struggling with it myself. Somewhat ashamed of how long I have dealt with my issues with my husband and allowing my children to be subjected to it as well.

I have been married almost 18 years and I have two wonderful daughters (ages 9 & 16). They are my world and I don’t know what I would do without them.

My husband can be very wonderful; he tries (for the most part) very hard to make us happy. In every area of his life he does great; steady job (only 2 in his whole life), he is dependable in almost every aspect (picks up the girls daily from school), he does all the cooking (yippee!-I hate cooking), he gets the groceries; he helps with laundry and house cleaning. However, there is one area that is a disaster and that is his drinking. He has drank since he was 18 years old (legal back then) and now he is 53 (I am 37). He has quit a few times during our marriage but only for 3-6 months intervals. I still haven’t figured which is worse; when he is drinking or when he is not. He becomes very agitated and irritable if he doesn’t have a beer in his hand. We have even gone over to friends’ house and he has stuck a few beers in his pockets just so he doesn’t have to go very long before he gets his fix. I hate the smell of beer now it is repulsive to me. My girls hate it but of course he blames me for that.

Do I have an attitude about is drinking? Most definitely but I have calmed down a great deal over the past few years about making comments concerning it because it only creates major conflict. I feel that his drinking is a cover up for other issues he may have buried deep inside; but getting him to deal with them would take a miracle. One of many times I threatened to leave him; he started therapy but that was a disaster. The therapist put him on anti-depressants (less than 3 months) and met with him maybe 6 or so times and then he told my husband he didn’t need the medicine or to come back and see him anymore. I was appalled that the one time my husband agreed to seek help it was over way to soon and the opportunity slipped through my fingers and was beyond my control. He refuses to ever go to another therapist again.

My husband feels his drinking is no different than my smoking cigarettes. I completely disagree; I can drive a car just fine with or without a cigarette, I don’t make a fool of myself, I don’t ruin the day after drinking with a hangover (which impairs him for an entire day). That’s another disappointment; our family day is Sundays (we go to the movies, go bowling, skating, walks, bike riding; etc.) Over this past year I have just left him at home if he has a hangover. I decided why should the girls and I suffer because he has a hangover; so we do family stuff without him (which was very difficult in the beginning for me because I am all about family). At first it upset him a lot now I don’t think so much.

I have tried several times to leave him but it has been so difficult because I do love him and care about him deeply. I fear if I wasn’t in his life he would fall apart. I am the glue that holds him and my family together. I am the responsible one that makes 95% of the decisions but this decision to leave him isn’t one that I seem to be able to handle. I am very strong and independent but for some reason I don’t feel strong enough to make this decision. I know financially it would be a disaster as well. Maybe if I was more financially independent it would be easier I don’t know.

I love him, I hate him, I care about him, and honestly sometimes I want to hit him in hopes that I knock some sense into him. I am not a violent person but sometimes he just makes me so mad and upset. I fear for my girls; I don’t want them growing up and marrying someone that depends on alcohol or any other substance. My oldest despises her father and that hurts me. I feel helpless and so very confused. I really want off of this roller coaster ride from hell!

Cynay

Welcome to SR... Im glad that you found us.

There are many here that not only understand how you feel but have either been where you are at now or are still in the relationship. Living with an Alcoholic is not an easy life to live.

I might suggest you read the stickies at the top of the form, alot of good information in them. Pull up a seat, have a cup of coffee and read all you can... recovery for me comes from learning all I can about this disease. I look forward to getting to know you.

Durango

Thanks for sharing your story. Please know that it helps many others to realize they're not alone.

How much have you learned about alcoholism? Have you considered Al-anon? Your husband is not going to quit drinking until he WANTS to quit and what you're doing is holding the family together like it IS, not how you want it to be. Don't mean to be harsh, but it's the same for you...your situation won't change until you make the decision to make the only changes that you can control....that is whether you (and your girls) stay or leave.

HolyQow

Hummingbird....first: WELCOME.

You are definately at the right place. I could have written your post, word for word, and all I would have had to do was change ppls ages and names. That is exactly my life, a few months ago.

The very first thing that changed how I thought, was telling myself "This is HIS problem, not mine!"

I hear you about counselors. I left the first one feeling worse than when I went. It's extremely hard to hear all of my own faults, when all I could think was HE is the one with a problem not ME! I too, smoke. AH quit a year ago. He does like to throw that one at me every chance he gets. I felt the same way as you, I'm addicted to smoking, but it doesn't impare my judgement. If you keep reading, you will find that the alcoholic is great at placing blame anywhere but on him/herself.

What you describe about your AH is that he is a functioning alcoholic. Mine also. This seems to give them more power, if possible, because they have never "messed up" completely. They haven't lost a job, they have always provided for the family, they are under so much stress, blah blah blah, it's still just more excuses (quacking) to justify what they do. More examples that I've heard are, "It's just beer", "I can quit anytime I want to", "I should be allowed to have a beer after work", "You have no idea what stress I am under at work", "I am drinking at home, so you should be happy I am not at the bar and driving around"....... any of this sound familiar?

My advice is to read everything on this site. Then it all starts to make sense. Then when you have more information about this disease, it will help you get yourself better, which has a great effect on everyone else in the family, especially the kids. The focus has now been shifted to YOU, and YOU only. It's very hard to see this in the beginning. When I started looking at myself, I found nothing. NOTHING in this family pertained to ME. I did everything for everyone else, and not myself. I felt less important......sad, but true. When all of that changed, our entire household changed.

There are plenty of books out there too. Information is power. Above this section of the forum are permanent entries, called stickies. One of them has a list of reading material that is very very helpful.

One last thing, never make idle threats... "if you don't quit drinking, I am leaving". This does nothing but give the A more power, because he knows you won't leave. You know you won't either, so don't ever suggest things that you are not prepared to do. The cliche' is: Actions speak louder than words.

It's alot to absorb on your first post. There are so many ppl here that know what they are talking about, and thanks to all of them for sharing their side of this awful disease. The best part, you are not alone.

lilac

(((Welcome)))

I am also married to a functioning alcoholic.........Read everything you can on this site. Have you tried Al-Anon?

I know how you feel when you say you hate him, love him, etc........

I am beginning to learn that I need to work on what is inside of me first, let my Higher Power take control from me (because obviously I haven't been doing such a good job on my own), and the rest will faLL INto place.

There are a lot of very understanding and knowledgeable people here.

LizzyP

Hi, Hummingbird, and welcome,

It is extremely difficult to leave. After much of the same struggle that you describe, I did fiinally leave my husband on Dec. 2nd. Some of us leave, and some of us stay. As you work through your own recovery, you'll discover what choices are best for you.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it is when they fall apart that they are able to face the reality of their disease.

I'm glad you are here and that you found this forum. I have found it to be a great sourse of hope, encouragement, love, and even laughter, just in the short time I have been here. Welcome.

mazey

So sorry that your life has been upset by alcohol. It stinks. WE can understand that here. We are at different places in our experiences but have all been affected by alcohol in a way that has upset our lives. Read the posts, read the stickies for sure. Any books. It does help to understand it. Alanon offers tremendous tools in dealing with your life, so that may help relieve you.

4-kids

It too is amazing to me that your story could be mine. I'm here for the first time today. I'm going to try to read all I can and listen to replies and see if I can do anthing to change my situation. It is nice to know that others have been or are going through the same feelings and life I am. After reading some of the posts and replies, I see for the very first time that HE does have a problem and I need to do something for myself and children. I don't know what yet, but I know something's got to change. Good Luck to you and thanks for your story so I know I'm not alone.

jeb7363

your story does sound very similar to mine also. Up until earlier this year, my husband had always held a job, been able to have some semblance of a normal life and is generally a good guy except for the drinking. But, he was fired from his job, we lost our health insurance benefits, etc. (also have two daughers, 11 and 14) I know it had to do with drinking but he claims it didn't. Also, about a month ago he got his third DUI. The other two he got when we lived in another state, so he's probably somehow proud that this is his "first DUI" here. We are separated and I recently filed for divorce. He has since gotten another job and he is so "sorry" and will somehow "change" and I told him that I hope for his sake that he does change but I can't be with him while he tries to change this time.

denny57

Anything that has to do with your husband quitting is beyond your control. This paragraph shows just how controlling a co-dependent becomes when living with addiction. You say the "opportunity slipped through my fingers" but it was his opportunity. And unless the therapist spoke to you directly, which would be unethical, I would assume he's lying.

Also, threats don't work. You say you threatened to leave him many times, but never did. He has no reason to believe you would. I could quack just as loudly as AH.

An addiction is an addiction. Having one of your own perhaps could give you some insight into just how hard it is for him to quit his. True, cigarattes may not result in foolish behavior, etc. But it can result in emphysema, lung cancer, and we're all pretty educated on second hand smoke and it's dangers.

Not participating in family time probably does not upset him - it gives him some quiet time to drink, without disapproving looks or threats from the family. What could be better than that for an addict?

I was told this by everyone who knew us and came to believe it, too. A year and a half later, AH seems to be managing in his own way. Still drinking, spending like it's water, etc., but managing. I'm not that powerful to tell you the truth.

I would highly recommend Al-Anon. It was a great lesson in humility for me. It also helped me maintain compassion for the addict when I really wanted to rip his head off.

Take care and keep posting. There is great support to be had here.

WantsOut

Like the other said, I could have written your post word for word, from what a nice, kind man he is to how the smell of beer makes you want to yak.

Regarding your belief that if he faced his issues he'd get better. My ex-AH, who I just made move out last summer, was in therapy with the same expensive Ph.D psychoanalyst for ELEVEN YEARS. He worked it hard too - he believed in therapy. He also still drank.

I also lived in terror that he'd go down the drain without me. He's fine. You'd be surprised how well they adapt, even the ones you think are going to end up in the poorhouse.

I think the cigarettes thing is a red herring. He's just changing the subject to anything but his awful behavior.

Last, consider this: no one will stand up for in this life you but you.

hummingbird

Thank you all for responding to my story....it is a relieve to know that I am not alone in this. Sometimes I feel as though I over exaggerate the whole situation with him and I am the one that is wrong. Of course, that is what he has told me for many many years. I have gone to a few Al-non meetings in the past but I haven't stuck with it and I haven't been in a few years. It was kind of difficult for me because I didn't really share the same situation as the rest of the group did so I felt as though I could relate very well. I feel as though I can really relate with most of you so far.

I have an appointment set with my doctor in a few weeks to talk about different medicines or so forth to help me quit smoking. I need to quit for myself as well as my children...and of course I need to proof to him that if I can quit smoking then he can quit drinking. It may not work to my advantage but at least I will quit a habit that I have wanted to quit for a very long time. Plus I will be healthier and live longer for my girls.

Again thank you all for all your support, comments and kind words.

hummingbird