LiLL

My AH is supposed to go to work today, but he's still drunk. He started this job just two months ago. He loves it so much and I thought his devotion to his job would keep him sober. Now it's proven once again how sick he is and how powerful alcoholism can be.

One thing I'm glad about is that, I didn't go into a panic this morning. I didn't say anything to try to remind him about work. I said good morning, with no disappointment on my face, no fake big smile either.

I totally brokedown last Saturday when my AH started drinking again. I cried for two days.... I cried so much. I never felt so desparate before, and I really hated that feeling. Then... I think God led me here to SR again, and I found comfort again. I actually found this board long time ago but didn't stick around. I also started reading "Codepent No More" again. I got the book two years ago but I read it only to look for ways to help my AH stop drinking.

I feel a little different after this Christmas. I have to admit that I still have hopes to "help" my AH, but now I also want to work for my own recovery. I want to start all over on my recovery. This time around, more for me, and less for him.

mallowcup

I'm sorry for your disappointment but I think you are wise to come here and to work on you. I don't think it hurts to address some of the practical matters either. It is so tough when so much is riding on his paycheck. I know I got a huge sense of empowerment when I knew I could get by on my paycheck. I did't have to lose everything if he drank. I don't know what skills you have but if he's drinking it's a great time to get one job or even two and start creating a nest egg. It's better not to be home anyway and this way you are doing something constructive. I think it was a good distraction for me to focus on my nest egg. It is one thing you can control. It is very depressing to put all your eggs in his basket. You'd be amazed how even having $100 bucks tucked away can be, little bits of money adds up fast.

LiLL

arrrh!! i'm feeling the guilt again! His company just called and I answered it (stupid!)... So i told his colleague he's sick and I asked her to hold on (stupid stupid!).... Of course my husband was not willing to answer the call, and in the end, his colleague hung up. Why why why didn't I THINK before picking up the phone! Shouldn't have answered it, then I didn't have to lie, and I won't give my AH an excuse to put the blame on me in future (if he's going to get fired).
Arrrh!!!!!

Hi Mallowcup. Actually I do have a job but it pays just barely enough... my AH was out of a job for two years and it's hard to see him throw away his new job just like this. But I like your advice. I should tuck away as much as I can.

TexasGirl

Hi Lill,
My AH was self-employed, so I never had to face the calls from the boss. But you sound like me....I don't think I have it in me to just state the truth. I would probably avoid the phone calls....that way you're not lying for him, you're just removing yourself from the situation. That may not be the best way to handle it, but sometimes that's better than nothing! I know you said you are already thinking that's what you should have done...I'm just agreeing with you. Oh, and great advice on saving up money. I had a little stash ready for me when the day came.

steve11694

if the people at his company are good, the company may be willing via his health insurance to participate in an intervention to get him into rehab. i think the Americans with disabilities act may cover alcoholism.
Believe me, short of recovery, things only get worse.

FormerDoormat

I think, just as you've learned that you can't count on an alcoholic for emotional support, the sooner you learn that you can't count on him for financial help, the clearer it will become that he's a financial burdeon on you.

Seems to me you have two choices at the moment, accept the fact that you will have to support him and his drinking habit since he is either unable or unwilling to hold down a job, or decide that the financial burdeon is too great and give him the boot.

Whatever you decide, I'm glad you're here and working on finding a solution to your problem.

dollydo

Lil,

One of the things I am always so surprised at is that when our "A"'s start to do better, many of us just disappear from the board. Like ok, he's ok, I am ok...we all must understand, recovery, whether it be from co-dependcy or addiction is a life long journey. It doesn't just end, with one little glimmer of hope.

As for lying for him, you have taken away his right, to be responsible for himself. It is not your job to lie for him. It is his job, not yours. He is not your child, he is an adult, whether he acts like one or not. Let him be one, and maybe some day he will become a responsible one.

Keep posting Lil, keep reading others threads, for your recovery, not his, his is up to him.

I feel your pain, and I agree, start putting some money away, not for him, for you.

My very best,

Dolly