Ronron

My family of five allowed a family friend to move in with us in June. We knew in advance that she has a drinking problem, she admitted it (she's 60 and was asked to retire because of her problem). She told us at the time that she had it controlled and we believed her. Since she moved in with us, she has been hospitalized for what we thought was a heart attack but turned out to be a bleeding ulcer. The last six months have been such a roller coaster ride. When she's sober, she's a wonderful caring friend. When she's drinking which is more and more often and earlier and earlier in the day, she's a toddering nincompoop. Thankfully, she is not abusive, but I suspect she drinks and drives frequently. She hides her alcohol carefully, sometimes in water bottles, sometimes in her car, I think?? I can never find it or empty bottles, but her actions indicate extreme inebriation. Which makes me wonder, are there other health problems that look like alcoholism? If she smells drunk and she acts drunk, she's drunk, right?

My husband and I no longer allow her to drive our children anywhere because of our suspicions. She denies that she is drinking to excess even though she reeks of vodka, stumbles around and can barely speak. I have resigned myself to the fact that I can't change her. How can I cope with her? I am a mother of three with two jobs and a husband, I simply don't have time for Al-Anon, though I'm sure it would be helpful. ANY advice would be good at this point.

Thanks,
Roni

Zoey

Ronron, Welcome to Sober Recovery, glad you are here.
Wow! sorta a different situation you have. The alcoholism part is not different, the letting a family friend move in is something I have never delt with. You can still get help by reading all the stickies at the top.

If just a friend I would suggest to gently say, "this is not working out and I will help you find a place to live". She told you her problem was controlled, but it is not. By letting her stay, it is a form of enabling.

Adult protective services perhaps woud have suggestions.Just a thought, but you need to think about any suggestions. Always take what you can use and leave the rest. Read everything you can on this disease.
Just my opinion, but I don't think friends can live together.
I am sorry you have to deal with this, keep us posted.

Janitw

Hello Roni and welcome aboard glad to have you here hun.....well it appears that you have a problem at hand and thats for sure...I have to agree with Zoey in that there are protective services for adults and sounds like she would be a prime candidate for them....as far as allowing her near the kids I'd have to say no way on that one. I have to ask you this: Where in the world is this womans family - you refer to her as a family friend....where are her relatives? And why arent they assisting? Maybe she has worn out her welcome with them already and needs real help the intense kind....

You are caught between a rock and a hard spot hun....but somehow you have to gently ask her to move out. The disease is progressive and since she is still active it will have detrimental effects on your family at some point...so get her out of there before that happens to you ok. Good Luck un and please keep us informed and keep coming here we all care very much about your situation...

Merry Christmas Roni !

Janit

miss communicat

Hi Ron,

I had to double check your name because this story is exactly the story my friend just told me she is having to deal with in her family. I thought maybe she wrote this!

Anyway, it comes down to choices.

You made the (collective) choice to allow her to move in with you, for some reason. It could be out of compassion or it could be that she pays rent...I really don't know. But in either case, you made the decision based on good reasons and information that was available to you at the time.

Since then, you have gained additional information and the reason for letting this friend move into your home is no longer compelling enough to agree to.

If the reason that you did choose to let her live with you was out of kindness and compassion for her, consider this: You and your family are your first priority. You must extend the same amount of kindness and compassion to your self and your family first.

Energy that is now being consumed in worrying about her, wondering about whether she is drunk, and driving under the influence, concerns about when and if she will be having another alcohol-related health crisis, is energy that could otherwise be focused on positive healthy things for you and your family.

You made a wise choice not allowing her to drive your kids. Thats a boundary. I would encourage you and your husband to establish the boundaries that you want to live with and then explain the situation to her.

Specifically, if it were me, the first boundary would be a time boundary. I would set a time frame that her stay is to be completed by, and be very firm on that. If this is short term enough, then it may not be nescessary to establish any other boundaries, but if you agree to a longer term, you will be prolonging the discomfort you now feel.

Good luck!!! It will get better once you address it squarely.

Ronron

I think I need to clarify. We are her family. She was one of my college professors and after my husband and I married, we moved to the town where she lived at the time and became very close. She is my childrens' Godmother (though we have our will fixed so that my sister gets my kids if anything happens to us). She has no other family...no children, no siblings, not even any cousins. She has a deceased half brother and has no contact with his wife and grown sons. We are all she has. No, she doesn't pay us rent, but she is paying to renovate a portion of our house into a mother-in-law apartment. It should be finished in June and at that time she will live in her own space, which will be easier. This was never meant to be a temporary option. I am her medical power of attorney and for all legal purposes, her daughter. If it comes to it, I have the power to have her committed to re-hab. However, I'm not sure that would work and honestly, I'm not ready to even think to seriously about that at this time. I just need some coping mechanisms, I think. I truly appreciate all of your advice. I need to read through them carefully and think long and hard.

Roni

mallowcup

Her own space would help. Why is it taking that long to complete a mother-in- law apartment. That's just a ridiculous amount of time to complete an apartment. Now that she has invested her money into your property it might be a good idea to check with a lawyer. It would be a very suspicious time to use her money to improve your property and then check her into a facility. You did know she was asked to retire because of her drinking problem and invited her to live with you knowing she had a drinking problem. I think if you can return her money and then check her in somewhere, everyone will win. You have the power but you also have the legal responsibility to account for your moves with her money. I'd talk to a lawyer.

J-Diver

Might encourage her to go for a full medical check-up. At her age and with the bleeding ulcer already, you never know what else could be going on.

Certainly couldn't hurt.

Ronron

The renovations are taking so long because up until the last month or so, I was doing ALL the work myself with some temporary help from my uncle. I finally balked and explained that I could no longer work 7 days a week and she was going to have to hire someone to do the work. She agreed and we have begun the process of having electricians, plumbers etc come in to do the work. We are talking about a total gut job here...no insulation, pre-1950 wiring and no plumbing in this portion of the house. We had to remove 200 year old plaster from four 20 x 20 rooms just to get started. So, now that we've settled on having contractors come in, it should go more quickly.

As to taking her money looking suspicious. I agree, though she pays me no rent, nothing for utilities, and nothing for groceries. In nearly seven months she's lived here, she has spent a little less than 7000.00 toward the renovations - materials, having a fence installed for her Yorkie and having a heat pump installed. So for the price of the renovations done so far, she's basically had all of her living expenses paid for a little over $1000.00 per month. On top of that, I had to shell out nearly 10,000 to get the roof on that portion of the house repaired before we could start work. I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of her, but I can see how it might look that way if I suddenly tried to force her to go into rehab. I'm not ready to even think about pulling out my power and wielding it. If it does come to that, I will talk to an attorney first.

I truly appreciate all of your advice, but can anyone give me any baby steps I can take? Little day to day things I can do to stop being so angry? I really want to start there because I am going to have to confront her and right now I am so mad, I won't be able to do that effectively. One of the things she promised prior to moving in was that if her drinking began to effect us, I was to let her know. I want to start a conversation that way, though I know she will deny it. So, I need to be calm, focused and able to talk with her without losing my temper, if possible.

Thank you to you all. You are truly a great support group. I've been reading through the posts and it is obvious that you care a great deal for one another.

Roni

miss communicat

Dear RonRon,

Thanks for clarifying where you're at, and oh: by the way, Merry Christmas or Happy Holy Days!!!

Hope you get some special peace today.

In response to your request for practical guidance, I agree with you that you need to collect and re-center yourself prior to intiating a conversation.

Do whatever you do that works. For myself, when I am in a high emotional state, I tend to lose all perspective. Sometimes, getting some actual distance from the person or situation is required. By this, I mean removing myself for a few hours or a day in order to reflect.

If this is not an option, then create some space in your life/home that will be undisturbed for even just an hour and either pray, meditate or sit quietly and ask for insights on the solution to your problem.

What I have found is that the solution to any problem does NOT reside at the level of the problem, so there is no benefit ever, of replaying the problem over and over in my mind.

For a resolutuon to appear in my awareness, my personal agenda must step back out of the way.

Ask (either God or your Higher Power) what is in the highest interest for all concerned.
Ask (either God or your Higher Power) that your heart and mind be opened to guidance and direction each day.
Ask (either God or your friend's Higher Power) for the same for your friend.

You will know what needs to be done.

Setting clear boundaries. This is not the same as being harsh or rigid. Boundaries are what is acceptable and healthy for you.

Ask for clarity on what you can live with. What is acceptable in your life, and what is not?

What will the direct consequence of violating your boundary be? Keep your perspective, and keep an open inner ear.

Good luck, and let us know how this is going for you.

DesertEyes

Hey there Roni, and welcome to Sober Recovery.

Here's a few of the things that work for me when my emotions get out of hand, including anger.

Awareness.

That means understanding _when_ and _why_ my emotions flare up. For me they only flare up in response to my _expectations_ of other people, places and things.

Acceptance.

That means understanding that there are some things I _can_ control about my expectations of other people, and there are other things that I can _not_ control about how other people behave. Once I have separated those two I can focus my effort only on those things I _can_ change.

Action.

I can _not_ change my addicts behavior, in my case my ex-wife. I _can_ change my expectations of her. If I expect her to act the way _I_ want her to then I become disapointed. If she makes a promise and I _expect_ her to follow thru on that promise then _I_ become hurt. If I build up enough expectations over a long enough time then I get angry at _her_, even though I knew ahead of time she'd never keep the promise.

On those ocassions when I "slip" in my recovery, build up expectations, and then get angry over them I have to "defuse" myself so that the emotions will have a chance to settle down. For me that is just plain old time and distance.

Distance.

I phsyically remove myself from the situation. I go into the garage, take a broomstick and beat the @#@# outta the work bench. Ok, so the work bench doesn't care, the broomstick breaks and I get a splinter in my hand, but at least I got the anger out. Then I go for a walk, take a drive, go see my sponsor, go to a meeting, go see a newcomer, go to the junkyard to look for a part I don't need. Whatever it takes just to put distance between me and the person, place or thing that I have allowed to mess with my serenity.

Time.

All the distance in the world won't help me if I keep thinking about the issue. I have to distract my mind and fill it with other thoughts if I want my emotions to settle down. What helps me do that the most is to go talk to a newcomer and listen to their problems in their life. Besides distracting my mind, it also gives me a huge dose of gratitude to know how much simmpler my life is compared to theirs.

Sometimes I just have to repeat the serenity prayer over and over and over again until my mind quits obsessing on the person, place or thing that I have allowed to mess with my serenity.

Those are the five "principles of serenity" that people talk about in 12 step meetings. The first three are sometimes called the "Three A's" of recovery.

You mentioned that you don't have time for al-anon. Does your husband? He could go to meetings and pick up some literature for you. You are always welcome here, and there are also online meetings if you can manage a little time on the computer.

These two are particulary strong, but there are many others.

http://www.but1purpose.org/chat/
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Mike

Ronron

You've given me a lot to think about and some great advice to try. Yesterday was not bad...poured herself a glass of wine at 7:30 am, but didn't drink anything else the rest of the day that I could tell. This morning, she's fine, sober and happy. Tomorrow will be a different story, I am sure, but today is good. I will keep you posted. Thanks again.

Roni