townie

Hi. I am new to this forum. I had some questions about al-anon. I don't know if spouse had a drinking problem or not, but I do know that I seem to have a problem with his drinking. I grew up in a home with absolutely no drinking (a reaction to grandparents who had alcohol problems.) I don't actually know what normal drinking is and my spouses increased drinking is scaring me. For many years, my spouse would have a couple of beers when he watched a game or when he was using yard work. He might have a few mixed drinks at a wedding. Recently, he has started to go to bars 2 to 4 times a week and drinking mixed drinks at home on the weekend (vodka and tonic water...he says he does not measure the vodka). His urgency in needing a drink has gotten better since being perscribed some headache medicine by doctor (some kind of barbituate I think) also, he only seems really drunk a couple of times in the past month...so I do not think he is an alcoholic, but I feel like I need the help of letting go of trying to control his drinking and getting so upset about his drinking. Can anyone point me in the right direction to get some help? This is affecting our marriage in a very negative way.

gypsytears

Hi chitown townie . Have you checked out the friends and family section yet?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

leviathon

Thanks for stopping by. Gypsy Tears pointed you to the right forum, hopefully you will find the help there that you need.

Peace, LEvi

sisterray

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it sounds like he is progressing. But all doesn't have to be bad. He can get help at this early stage, or any stage. I know mine doesn't drink as much if he has pills to pop, or pot to smoke. So if the headache pills are something that might get him high, then he may not be drinking because of that. Just see that he isn't taking more than prescribed. I know mine will take anything that will numb whatever pain or stress that he is going through. And for us at least, that is where we have lots of work to do.
Merry Christmas-There's lots of hope! Lori

sisterray

Letting go is tough. I am only now learning how to do that. It took me getting totally sick of what he was doing, and totally sick of fixing things for him. I have decided that I am going to lay down some basic rules, and if he can't follow them, then he can stay at the salvation army until he can follow them. But I feel that said, we have a new road of hope ahead. I just need to remember not to let his problem affect me personally. (Sometimes that can't be helped, if he loses a job, or drinks money we need). But instead of crying, he can just leave if that happens, and not come back until he makes it right. I am not giving up on him, I will stay with him even if he can't live here. But I guess I want to enjoy the good things about him, while refusing to put up with the bad.

And the more you bug him about his drinking, the more he will drink. Because all they need is someone to blame. If he can blame you for nagging, then in his mind, that will become why he will drink. Not true in real life-it is never your fault. But he will use that to justify himself. Lori

sisterray

Al anon is good. They will help you with the detaching part. They wont help you know what to do about him, though.

BigSis

Dang, this Alanon cheerleader is late getting to the party, eh? (speaking about myself, here).

Alanon saved my life. Period. My pain was sooo great, it had become unbearable. Alanon made that better.

I have an Alanon friend who joined the same time as me. She started because of HER concern with her husband's drinking.... also an adult child of alcholics, she had no real clue about normal drinking (I often wonder if there IS such a thing... smile), but she got to Alanon because of her concerns. She has been there ever since.

It is a wonderful way to get information, support, find resources and discover stuff about ourselves. So much more than I ever expected.

I hope you can try some meetings. It was suggested I try about 6 before passing judgement on whether it was working or not. I am glad I heard that because it took a few meetings for me to figure out that each meeting is a little different; meetings at different locations or different times have their own "personality" or "flavor"; sometimes a different mix of people at a meeting will yeild a different feel. But no matter what meeting I attended, I always found at least one thing I could take away.

For me, they were all good.

I wish you the best!

townie

Hi again. I just figured out how to get all of these encouraging and inspiring replies to my post. Thank you all. I have also finally found the friends and family section and learned about codependency which is totally descriptive of my situation even if my husband doesn't have a problem...or I am not willing to admit that he does...I can't deny my codependent feelings and behaviors and I am trying that detachment thing. Thanks again to all of you...this forum has been a wonderful gift.

parentrecovers

hello chitown,

i live in chicagoland area - tons of alanon meeting options here. try a handful of meetings, it's free and can't hurt a thing.

good luck! k

townie

Thank you parentrecovers. I have actually looked up the time and place of a meeting. I am thinking I will go. I am scared, but think I might be ready to try it.

GlassPrisoner

Chitowne, it's always scary going to your first meeting. Not knowing anyone or what to expect.....

You'll probably find, however, a warm welcome and a solution.

townie

I went to my first meeting today. It was very relevant. The people were very nice. I almost did not go, but in the end I went.

angelinashoebox

i went to first meeting and bought a book

yldcat86

What was the book you bought, and why?

townie

This is Chitown again. I bought a book too. It was called one day at a time. At the meeting I went to, they encouraged us to do some alanon reading everyday. They had another book for sale too...can't remember the name. I was a little short on cash so bought the cheaper one. For the next meeting I'll bring the ten dollars to buy the other one.

angelinashoebox

Iwant to thank u I didnt know how to see how to do this till this morning that someone read my posts da .....iam a mess hubby's on the road on a gig....been receiving personel emails from a female fan saying she misses him im a mess still in my peguin pjs lol going to alanon tomorrow ..bought 12 steps and 12 traditions and been reading his AA bluebook im got pull myself outa this still praying and crying

GlassPrisoner

Hi angelinashoebox !

All who have big books, good purchases. Read "The Doctors Opinion" and "Bills Story" to start with.

Good Luck to all. We alkies sure can wreck havoc, can't we ?

angelinashoebox

thank u did u read john frey too ?

nocellphone

I've often heard that "the program is in the literature", and I agree.

I like knowing that my Al-Anon literature is written by other Al-Anon members' submissions, as opposed to coming from some governing body or having been written by an individual perched on some spiritual hilltop somewhere. Each page I read is from the collected wisdom of those with whom I'm recovering, and that is very comforting to me.

It's also comforting for me to think that, as I read today's page in any of the daily readers, thousands (if not more) of other Al-Anonics are "on the same page" with me!