LiLL

I'm so weak and i've been crying all morning. Why does he always take me by surprise? Why can't I keep my cool? I still haven't learned after two years of living with my AH. I thought I have, but when the time comes, I'm back to my depressed pitiful self again.

It's really funny that when I almost gave up, things suddenly got better. AH stopped drinking a few months ago and got a new job. He even goes to AA every Sunday. Then a few weeks back after going to a company party, he came home with alcohol in his breath. I was nervous but somehow managed to look calm and happy, as if I hadn't noticed anything. I was expecting him to drink some more (he used to go on for at least a week every time he starts drinking). But he didn't. I didn't know whether I should feel happy or sad. It's probably the first time he managed to stop drinking on the next day. During the past few weeks, I think I've smelled alcohol in his breath again for a few times, but he acted almost totally normal. My fear was that he's somehow found a way to control his drinking, and he's going to do it more and more often. But I kept hoping that it's just something wrong with my nose. I said to myself, "I should trust him. Let him take care of his recovery. It's none of my business". That's what I've learned from the Alanon books and meetings....

Last night he came home and showed clear signs of drinking: slurred speech, hiccough, red eyes, and not able to stop talking... I wanted to act nomral but my face betrayed me. He asked me what's wrong. I said I had a headache. This morning I couldn't help crying. I knew he knew I knew he's drinking (you know what i mean)... and he made up a story (that he ate some cake yesterday at office which had liquor in it) ..... and he said the way I looked was going to push him to "start drinking for real". I kept crying.... then he went out and came home totally drunk.

What have I done! I totally screwed it again!

Zoey

No you didn't, that is what they do, he had been drinking because he wants to drink, so then they blame the wife or kids, or the weather, just anything is an excuse.
Keep trying with your program, baby steps.
I am soo sorry he started back befor Christmas.

I do believe that AA spoils their drinking, but don't have any expectations, it could take years, but he knows where the help is, and he has been through those doors.
I suggest you let it be his problem and say nothing. I know that is hard.
((hugs))

sketscher

Youd didn't do anything wrong!! don't be so hard on yourself. You haven't done anything to him and crying is a natural reaction and release for us.

JessicaNAJ

Snap out of it LILL!!! You didn't do anything wrong.....you need to believe that no matter what happens or is said. Let the tears flow you are allowed to have feelings and if he can't handle it, that's his problem. Stop thinking about what your doing wrong and do something nice for yourself!!!!! You can't put a bandaid over everything. Take care of yourself.

You deserve it!

mallowcup

Unless it was rum soaked fruit cake (which no one really likes) I'm afraid I would have laughed right in his face. You didn't do a single thing wrong except for listenting to such nonsense from him. If he leaves to drink again, call the cops and turn him in. You might be saving some innocent family from burying their love one on Christmas. Let him tell the cops the cake story.

mazey

Well, the holidays just are not good for some drinkers....makes them think if they are not drinking they must be missing something! Dam disease. You didn't do anything wrong. Is there a right & wrong, no.....Some who have longer recovery prolly would give us advise that may work good, but they can't be in our back pocket, darn it! I would have loved to have a 2 way with someone from here.....Huh? Cry, get it out, then if you can calmly sort it out.....

prodigal

He's an active alcoholic, and his so-called attempts to "control" his drinking are nothing more than a form of denial. Don't ever, ever, ever get roped into believing that b.s. about you causing him to drink. He drinks because he wants to drink. Period.

Don't sit around closely observing how he acts, whether you smell it on him or not, his speech patterns, how much he talks - you are too enmeshed in what he's doing. To heck with what he's doing - he's behaving like an alcoholic. If it starts getting to you, go to another room. I sometimes mindlessly play soltaire on my computer just to stay away from my AH and ignore his blabbering.

The fact that you feel as if YOU screwed up indicates you are shouldering the burden for HIS addiction. If you continue to do that, you'll worry yourself right into an ulcer! I fully realize that when they get to that yakking phase and won't shut up to let you get a word in, that it is extremely annoying. That's when I just shut up, busy myself with something else, and let him yammer on until he passes out.

Quit beating yourself up and quit listening to his blah, blah, blah. Take care of yourself and leave him to play his "control" drinking game.

StandingStrong

(((Lill))) As everyone else has already said, you did absolutely nothing wrong. He's blaming you and making you feel guilty so that you'll blame yourself and he doesn't have to face himself, the truth, and the alcoholism. It's how A's stay in their own denial. We blame ourselves, which in essence let's them off the hook. This scenario is played out repeatedly across the world in tons of homes where an alcholic dwells.

I know that you want him to stop drinking, you are hoping and wishing and wanting it more than anything and everything. We all have felt that same exact feeling. However, right now, he's obviously not ready to stop. So this is where it comes back to you and the ball is in your court. Setting boundaries would be a good step right now, I think for you. It is then that we begin to protect ourselves. (As well as prevent the resentments - see my signature line).

Don't be so hard on yourself. You really didn't do anything wrong. He's just putting the responsibility onto you so that he doesn't have to take responsibility himself. You blame yourself which keeps you in denial of his disease - he blames you so that he can deny he has a problem - it's all a vicious cycle.

LiLL

Thank you all of you! Every reply from you has comforted me so much and I'll keep trying taking the baby steps. Guess I'm back to Step 1 again, trying to accept that I'm powerless over my AH.... Gosh isn't this ironic?! While he's trying to control his drinking again, I was/am doing the same!

JessicaNAJ

There are many here, I'm sure, who has go back to step one a number of times. Hang in there!!