Am I wrong in this???

Old 12-20-2006, 10:55 PM
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Am I wrong in this???

My AH, who is passed out right now, asked me to start getting up at 5:30 with him in the mornings and take him to the train station so that he will take the train to work. While sober, he was really good at taking the train to work (b/c the drive is an hour to an hour and a half away b/c of traffic), but since he has relapsed, he has been driving. He said just for like a week, to get him over the hump. Several problems I have with this. The main one is that we would have to get our kids out of bed to do this. Two, the problem isn't going to get better and I can't do that forever. I suggested that the only way I would do that is if he agreed to take another train to an AA meeting after work, and then hop on it and come back home. He wasn't thrilled with this.

He is mad b/c I didn't high-five him for asking for help. I have asked him for help our whole marriage. I have been inconvenienced by him for years and now he wants this??? He thinks I am being selfish by not jumping at the opportunity to help him, but what about him helping himself? Am I wrong?
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Old 12-21-2006, 12:25 AM
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I'm a bit confused here and need a little clarification. If I'm understanding you correctly, you drove him to the train while he was sober, but now that he is off the wagon he is driving himself. Is that right or am I confused? Do you only have one family car? Can he join a carpool group that drives to the train station?

I do understand your frustration at being inconvenienced for a long period of time; however, you have allowed him to inconvenience you. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but there are two people involved in this situation, so it stands to reason that each person is responsible for what they will allow and not allow. It's a matter of setting boundaries and sticking to them.

Your husband is an adult. He can take care of himself. He is presently driving himself to the train. It sounds as if he wants you to chauffeur him in addition to dragging your children out of bed. It sounds to me as if he's trying to dump a lot of guilt on you in order to manipulate you into driving him. Tell him you won't drive him. Period. Let him throw a fit, get drunk, blow up, whatever. Hold your ground. It's as if one of your children started having a tantrum. You could pay attention or you could ignore it. Ever notice how kids run out of steam a lot faster when you ignore their fits?

It sounds to me as if you have enough on your hands raising children and keeping a home.
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Old 12-21-2006, 03:43 AM
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I agree with prodigal. Let him walk, hitch a ride or take a bus to the train station.

He is trying to control you.

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Old 12-21-2006, 03:59 AM
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are you wrong?Only you can decide for yourself.
I had a similar situation years ago,,in hub wanting me to drive him to work.we had 2 small kids then.I told him that i would drive him,for 3 days,but after that im not.I felt bad for my kids,waking them up so early,and getting them ready to go to the car.I did what i had said.,i would do,.After the 3 days,he wanted me to continue to drive him to work,but i stuck to my guns,on this,and didnt drive him.He had 3 days to find other ways of getting to work.I learn in al-anon,whats my stuff to own and whats not my stuff.His getting to work is not my stuff to own.He evenually found other ways of getting to work.This is how it worked out for us,personally.
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Old 12-21-2006, 05:27 AM
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Prodigal: Okay, sorry to confuse you. Here is some clarification...

No, I have NEVER taken him to the train station. When he was sober, he managed to get up on time and get himself there in order to catch one of the trains that comes every 10 minutes. We have 2 family cars, but he needs to take the train b/c it is too expensive for him to drive. We both work in the same area, but I don't have the option to take the train b/c I am in medical sales and drive all day. He drives a truck that takes $45 to fill up and he is filling up twice a week. $360 a month on HIS gas ALONE is pretty steep!!! And that isn't including mine! The train station is 10-15 minutes away and a monthly pass is $70. And the train runs right under his building. Suddenly he is wanting a babysitter and I am glad you all feel the same way that I do. If I take him, he will find ways after we get home to get out and drink. And the weekends... And if I don't take him (which I didn't this morning), then he can blame me when he messes up. It's all about pointing the finger!
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Old 12-21-2006, 12:52 PM
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Put your kids first no reason why they need to be gotten up at 5:30 so you can drive him.

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Old 12-21-2006, 03:48 PM
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"If I take him he will find ways after we get home to get out and drink." If you don't take him, HE WILL FIND WAYS AFTER YOU GET HOME TO GET OUT AND DRINK. Whether you take him or not is a moot point. He can, and will, get out and drink if that is his desire. I think this is an area where you are still attempting to exert some control over his addiction.

It's great that you are not going to drive him to the train. That is certainly a positive step that will benefit you and your kids. Now just let him drink if he wishes. Should he start shooting his mouth off, go to another room, drive to the store with the kids, go visit family or friends. A drunk without an audience soon looses some of his steam.
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Old 12-21-2006, 04:40 PM
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"A drunk without an audience soon looses some of his steam".

So true!

Dolly
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Old 12-21-2006, 09:21 PM
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That is where I mess up a lot. How much hand holding is supportive, and how much is codependant babysitting. How do you know?
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Old 12-21-2006, 10:23 PM
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I know, personally, when I'm enabling because I start to feel uncomfortable at a gut-level. Or I start to act crazy, or I get annoyed and frustrated. If it has something to do with my AH getting in a bind because of his drinking and I interfere, I am enabling. If I get ticked off and start shooting my mouth off when he's half-bagged, I'm enabling. In that case, I'm giving him a great target to shoot at. I'm also playing a role in the drama. Believe me, I still get annoyed, but I go to another room and busy myself with something else. It gets my focus back on my own issues, which are at the root of what starts me shooting my mouth off in the first place.
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Old 12-22-2006, 03:31 PM
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So, how is it okay for us to just keep our mouths shut when they are belittling, hateful, etc? Example... My AH asked me LAST weekend to call in his prescription for his reflux med. I did and it said it would be ready Monday (this past Monday). Today, he calls me and tells me that his chest was hurting and asked if I could check with the store and see if it was ready. I said I would, but forgot, so a couple of hours later, he called. When I told him I forgot, he starts going off, saying how if I cared about him and his health, I would have called, and F this and F that, blah, blah, blah. Then he comes home and gets our son to take him to a movie, and then walks out the door and asks me if I think I can remember to go and pick up our other child from daycare. Then he says, "Nevermind. I'll do it b/c that's probably too much of a chore for you to remember." Saying this stuff right in front of our 7 year old son, who is saying, "Dad, Mom never forgets us!" He just turns on a dime. I don't think he has been drinking tonight, but that explains why he is acting like this -- b/c he WANTS to be drinking!
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Old 12-22-2006, 04:03 PM
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That's where I had a hard time detaching. It's unacceptable for our partners to treat us that way. Saying nothing or simply leaving the room doesn't send a strong message that we demand and deserve respect, IMHO. That's why my solution was to remove the active alcoholic from my household.

We each have to find a solution that allows us to live a life filled with happiness, serenity, and dignity. Keep working on yourself and you'll find the best solution for you.
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