Some Bartender Guilt

Old 12-20-2006, 10:00 AM
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Some Bartender Guilt

For 21 years starting when I was 18 and I'm 40 now, I bartended. I poured drinks for everyone's husbands, and listened to their problems while I poured them more drinks. I quit because the guilt was getting to me. I even poured my guy more drinks than I want to remember. It was my job. I couldn't not serve them unless they were falling down. I did do small things, I watered down their drinks. I called their wives. I snuck and called the cops a few times when they insisted on driving and wouldn't give me their keys. I gave them rides home. I quitely told their wives they were at the bar when they called, even if they said "I'm not here". But I still did it, and I contributed to a lot of home problems, for the sake of tips and a paycheck. I read something in a post this morning that got me thinking about this. I want to say I'm sorry. I listened and thought I was "helping" while at the same time, I was pouring them their paychecks in liquid form. Now that I have stopped, I go track him down in bars to get the paycheck, just like I saw many wives do while I was working. I am lucky a bit in that many places won't serve him because they know me. I guess what comes around, goes around though. I never really even noticed how bad his drinking had become until I quit my job and got out of that scene. Then I was on the other side, dependant on his income, and seeing how much of it he drank. Just sorry. Lori
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:09 AM
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(((lori)))

I don't think you did a thing wrong - it was your job. Did you also serve drinks to those who weren't addicted? I never gave any of this thought until the negatives of living with alcoholism hit home HARD. Even while the soft ones were happening, I kept stocking the liquor cabinet and pouring the drinks. Alcohol consumption is such a part of society - most people are not addicts. I think it's one of the reasons I hung in there so long thinking that if I just did the right thing, AH would stop drinking.

None of it's easy and we all do the best we can.
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:18 AM
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....you were doing your job. it was not your fault, or your responsibility that people became alcoholics or ruined their lives. it is their responsibility to drink alcohol like a sane person.....

let's put your reasoning to the test.....lets say you worked in establishments that sold products to the public....would you feel guilty about serving a big mac to a fat person???? would you feel guilty for selling cigarettes to someone who chooses to smoke???? would you feel guilty for selling spray paint to someone who chose to huff it for a high???? would you feel guilty for selling razors to someone who cuts themselves???.......of course not...

adults are supposed to be responsible, productive citizens of a community. if they choose to live their lives any certain way....it is their choice. you did not cause them to be alcoholics. you are not that powerful, sis....

i understand how you feel.....once we get on the road to recovery, like you have done.....we look at things with different eyes....and you are beginning to look around and see things differently. that is a very good thing.

i walked around with so much guilt for so long in the beginning of my journey .....so i really do understand.

hey....you have a great day, ok????

love to you
jeri
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:28 AM
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Seriously sis- don't beat yourself up for the past. We all have reasons we could do that if we wanted to, but what would be the point today beyond learning our own lessons and trying not to repeat past mistakes? It's over. It's where and who you were then. It's your story. You didn't mean to hurt anyone. Look to the future now.

(hugs)
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:39 AM
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Thanks,Lori and sorry for your pain.

About the bartending...don't beat yourself up. If an alcoholic wants a drink,he will get one. Period. It is the alcoholic's issue,not yours.
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:18 AM
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I think you may be referring to what I posted and I meant it. I don't buy into, "it was my job". I'm a nurse and I live by my core beliefs, I do not participate in abortions. I did't always live by my core convictions. I do now. I don't even want to know how much of my paycheck went over the bar to tip a captive audience, a person who knew more about my husband than I did. someone who had the gall to serve my husband until he couldn't stand up but found plenty of energy to wake the house and beat me bloody. I left him to his bartender who poured propellant into my husband, pumped him full of advice and sent him home sideways, slurring and she to thought it was some kind of favor to drive him home in the wee hours of the morning. Bartenders should serve drinks and mind their own business, they should cut people off. I don't care what anyone does to earn a living and I appreciate anyone who stops to realize how their hand and their mouth contributes to the heartache of a household.
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:20 AM
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It's wrong when a bartender serves someone who's crap faced. My husbands bartender served him all day and then talked about how drunk he was. duh! She served him.
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:27 AM
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You are right. I am responsible for hurting many people though "my job". I realized it, and quit. But not until after doing it for many years. I am sorry for anyone going through that pain. I listened, I was their friend. I took their money, I took their tips. I gave them free drinks when they were feeding the gambling machines. I followed my bosses rule (the rule of most bars) one free for every three bought. If they look like they are getting ready to leave, give them a free one. They will stay. I even fed Jim free drinks, and let him hang out where I worked to drink his own paycheck. I held dearly to mine for the bills. Lori
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:30 AM
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I guess this isn't news to most of us. It's good to know the forces at work against us.
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:32 AM
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And I agree it is wrong to serve people who are loaded. But all I could do is water down. If I refused someone, my boss would hear of it, and that person had better have been pretty loaded. Its sad and it will continue even though I am not doing it any more. Now it has come around to me too. My husband still goes to the bars, and they still serve him. I'm sure he gets plenty of attention and free drinks too. He's good looking and friendly, and they flirt with him and knock me because I refuse to go out any more.
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:54 AM
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One more note about the "forces at work against us"-maybe have your husband try an experiment. Have him stop tipping his friend the bartender, and see how friendly she is in about a week. It's a bad business.
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:57 AM
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jmho....it's not anyones fault that the alcoholic drinks, spends his money, flirts with, or has an affair with anyone.....if you rubbed out every bartender in the world, the alcoholic would still find a way to drink. and they would still find a way to havoc if they wanted to.
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Old 12-20-2006, 12:02 PM
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You're right, but I see mallowcups point. As a bartender, it was "my job" to make them feel like the best looking, wittiest, funniest, coolest guys around. And if I knew there would be a good tip in it for me, then I encouraged them even more. Not something I'm proud of. But I wish they would realize that the bartender's "friendship" is not real. I was in the grocery store once with a fellow bartender, and this really annoying bar guy was following us around. She turned to him and said "Does it look like I'm getting paid to talk to you right now?" It was mean of her, but pretty much summed it up.
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Old 12-20-2006, 12:25 PM
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One last note and then I'm done with this because it hurts lots. Mallow cup-I read some of your other posts, and I wish there was some way to make your husband (mine too) see that love is at home, not with strangers who pretend to be your friends. Keep trying. Lori
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Old 12-20-2006, 12:31 PM
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Bartenders are not to blame. My husband did most of his drinking at home. Should I be angry at the liquor store clerk? The checker at the grocery store? They sold him the beer and booze. No way. I didn't cause it and neither did anyone else. If anything, I feel pity for bartenders who have to put up with it just to pay the bills.

As always, my opinion only.

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Old 12-20-2006, 12:50 PM
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They are to blame to a degree as evidenced by the comments made here. A checker at the grocery store will not sell booze to a drunken customer. It is nothing less than a sin to give free drinks to someone who is ready to leave. The bottom line is to keep them there, with free drinks, cute bartenders, WHATEVER it takes. It may not be their fault but NO batender was ever a friend to my household. Sorry but too many nights some car came pulling in at 4am to dump my drunk husband off in the dooryard after they cleaned out his wallet and INTENTIONAllY set out to do so. I'm pretty fixed on bartenders who know exactly what they are doing. Bartenders who whos big mouths drive wives to their knees.
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Old 12-20-2006, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup View Post
They are to blame to a degree as evidenced by the comments made here. A checker at the grocery store will not sell booze to a drunken customer.
We will have to agree to disagree on this. If we came to conclusions based on comments made on this board, then alcoholics are to blame for everything, including your unhappiness and mine. This is a discussion board, not a scientific study.

Where I live, checkers in grocery stores will gladly sell booze to anyone who has the money to pay for it. It is not their job to police people any more than it is the bartender's job. Police are for policing people, not minimum wage workers who are trying to make ends meet.

L
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Old 12-20-2006, 01:01 PM
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I know a bartender who would say the same things this poster is saying. Four days after my wedding, a beloved friend of mine had a few drinks and was ready to leave. The bartender said, "have one on the house". Have one more, well, good judgement gone (which was the intent) had enough that now he was a the joke, everyone laughing at how he staggered and slurred. They all sat there having a laugh. His wallet now empty, "OK, well, you be careful drinving home buddy". He was decapitated at 35 miles an hour. That bartender stood right there and poured this guy one after another knowing full well he was too drunk to drive but her interest was over at that point. HIs head was found in the back seat of the car. He had a 10 year old daughter and a wife who had called the bar and told the bartender to take his keys and she would come and get him. To this day that bartender brags about how his wake was her biggest tip day. Why is is not wrong to take a job where this poster admits that she was intructed to keep people drinking who were already drunk? I'm not sure what wage has to do with it. I do not refer to sceince, I refer to the expriences of my life and when someone sees that they had a part in making matters worse instead of better, I think its' great that they see the light and change. We will have to disagree.
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Old 12-20-2006, 02:02 PM
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interesting....ok...here's another scenario....sales gimmicks are not new...they are used to sell their product...cars, homes, entertainment...etc.....why would it be any more distasteful for a bartender to use sales gimmicks than a car salesman? or a desk clerk at a motel? or a furniture salesman? their job is to sell their product.

i work in the lodging industry. believe me, i don't like many of the people that i deal with, but they never know it.....my job is to make the sale, make them feel like special guests, and get them to return.

some of these people using my services do not have the most moral intentions, i'm sure.....but unless a law is being broken or policies being ignored, i leave them be, and make them feel welcome.

it is against the law to knowingly serve an intoxicated person in a bar where ilive. the proprietor is held responsible. that doesn't stop the alcoholic from finding ways, or the money grabber from ignoring the law. people do what people do. it is still, ultimately the adults responsibility to take care of his or her business in a responsible manner. an adult simply cannot make choices of alcoholism, infidilety, financial ruin, and lawlessness and blame it on the people that served the drink, made him cheat, took his money, and made him get arrested. i've heard all of this so much from the alcoholic in my life, i could just scream. it is not our fault that they do what they do.

jmho

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Old 12-20-2006, 03:20 PM
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Well the difference seems glaring to me. Car salesman don't render their customers to near alcohol toxicity to push the product. This point could be argued to any degree. I'm not blaming bartenders entirely, this woman will tell you that she didn't give a crap about the patrons health, marriage, children, wife, job, or even if these patrons made it home alive and that's just not acceptable no matter what you do for a living. I had it put with one bartender and I told her, know this, you keep serving my husband when he is obviously intoxicated and if anything happens I will sue you, the bar you work for. We just had a woman whos baby was born with 4 times the legal limit of alcohol, that baby went through withdrawl and has fetal alcohol syndrome. The womans was HUGE pregnant and overdue, she was at a local bar bering served drink after drink. The mother was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO drunk, she passed out. This was a huge court case. The mother was put on probation and the bartender went to jail. I'm sorry but it is completely sick to serve a pregnant woman. I've made my point and how I feel is not how everyone feels. All bartenders are not unethical. Is serving someone ******** OK? How about a minor? HOw aobut someone who sits there and states about 100 times, no thanks, I have to go pick up my kids?
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