the gravy train has de-railed (long)
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
the gravy train has de-railed (long)
I have put a lifetime into this last week, so where to even begin with it all? I think I'll start by wanting to encourage those of you who are new here and who still live with an alcoholic spouse. It does work out for some of us. I think someone mentioned in one thread that probably about 50% of us stay and 50% of us leave. How can I encourage without giving advise? I'll quote the opening from Al-Anon - no situation is really hopeless, and it is possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcholic is still drinking or not.
In my situation, it came to the point where I knew I had to leave. I did seek out SR from my crises mode. When I first started here, I was yo-yoing back and forth whether to stay or leave. I had all this dread going up to this wall, and now that I'm through it, I feel such freedom and relief! For me, I made the right choice. This doesn't mean I definately don't have my ups and downs. My emotions have been doing jumping jacks inside of me. But my soul is at peace.
Last Wednesday I pulled myself together and prepared to call my husband. He was looped when I spoke with him. BUT, major change in my action! During the conversation I was able to tell him I had made a decision to cancel the debit card he was using, and that I had put the last of the money into his account that I always deposited there when I got paid. I was able to tell him that I wasn't coming back home.
Friday I went ahead and filed for divorce. I have thought about this option for a year, but never wanted to take it. So, its not like I haven't thought it through enough. And I had to ask myself what was I waiting for? There was no reason to delay it. I felt such peace when I left the attorney's. But later that night I thought, Oh my God, what have I done? I wanted to put that Genie back in the bottle so bad! (huh, there's a pun there somewhere).
Saturday I went with a friend to the police department. I was concerned for my husband's safety (fear of threat of suicide) and for my safety (AH has guns). Since it is a civil matter and not a criminal matter because no actual threats had been made, the police cannot intervene. I made a decision with my friend to go ahead to the house so I could get some documents I needed. AH was sound asleep. I was able to sneak the guns out of the house while he was sleeping. While I was getting the documents I needed, I kept thinking, get out of here, get out of here now. We made it out of the house just before AH woke up. As we were leaving, he came out on the porch. I didn't see him, but my friend did.
I spoke with AH later on Saturday. He was completely sober (like his old self, which saddened me). He asked me about the debit card not working. I confirmed I had cancelled it. He asked me what was he supposed to do for food and other "things" he needed. I told him he would have to find some other way, but that I was no longer willing to support him. This is major, major, major for me. I never thought I would be at this place where I could do this. The gravy train is derailed! He asked me what my long term plans were. I told him I had filed for divorce. We had a very civil conversation. He had asked me a few weeks ago (not sober) what I wanted for Christmas. In Saturday's conversation I told him that all I wanted was for him to be sober and for his sanity to be restored to him, but that he would have to want that for himself now. I told him I knew I had expectations of him, but now he would be free to live his life as he saw fit, free from my expectations.
Thanks for listening, being there, and all of you writing words on this forum that have helped me on my path to recovery.
Emotions doing jumping jacks:
In my situation, it came to the point where I knew I had to leave. I did seek out SR from my crises mode. When I first started here, I was yo-yoing back and forth whether to stay or leave. I had all this dread going up to this wall, and now that I'm through it, I feel such freedom and relief! For me, I made the right choice. This doesn't mean I definately don't have my ups and downs. My emotions have been doing jumping jacks inside of me. But my soul is at peace.
Last Wednesday I pulled myself together and prepared to call my husband. He was looped when I spoke with him. BUT, major change in my action! During the conversation I was able to tell him I had made a decision to cancel the debit card he was using, and that I had put the last of the money into his account that I always deposited there when I got paid. I was able to tell him that I wasn't coming back home.
Friday I went ahead and filed for divorce. I have thought about this option for a year, but never wanted to take it. So, its not like I haven't thought it through enough. And I had to ask myself what was I waiting for? There was no reason to delay it. I felt such peace when I left the attorney's. But later that night I thought, Oh my God, what have I done? I wanted to put that Genie back in the bottle so bad! (huh, there's a pun there somewhere).
Saturday I went with a friend to the police department. I was concerned for my husband's safety (fear of threat of suicide) and for my safety (AH has guns). Since it is a civil matter and not a criminal matter because no actual threats had been made, the police cannot intervene. I made a decision with my friend to go ahead to the house so I could get some documents I needed. AH was sound asleep. I was able to sneak the guns out of the house while he was sleeping. While I was getting the documents I needed, I kept thinking, get out of here, get out of here now. We made it out of the house just before AH woke up. As we were leaving, he came out on the porch. I didn't see him, but my friend did.
I spoke with AH later on Saturday. He was completely sober (like his old self, which saddened me). He asked me about the debit card not working. I confirmed I had cancelled it. He asked me what was he supposed to do for food and other "things" he needed. I told him he would have to find some other way, but that I was no longer willing to support him. This is major, major, major for me. I never thought I would be at this place where I could do this. The gravy train is derailed! He asked me what my long term plans were. I told him I had filed for divorce. We had a very civil conversation. He had asked me a few weeks ago (not sober) what I wanted for Christmas. In Saturday's conversation I told him that all I wanted was for him to be sober and for his sanity to be restored to him, but that he would have to want that for himself now. I told him I knew I had expectations of him, but now he would be free to live his life as he saw fit, free from my expectations.
Thanks for listening, being there, and all of you writing words on this forum that have helped me on my path to recovery.
Emotions doing jumping jacks:
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I don't think percentages matter. You made a decision about your life. I think the only time percentages matter is when they shouldn't, when we use them to make a decision based on what most others are doing. No situation is the same. You could have stayed, you chose growth. We don't necessarily applaud divorce. I think we applaud recognition of self, the saving of self. It is OK to have had enough. Good Luck with your decision and your clean slate.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by LizzyP 
He asked me what was he supposed to do for food and other "things" he needed.
You sound great lizzy and I'm happy for you! I really like the last sentence you said to him, too. One day I'd like to say that-- when I know I'm at the point where I really mean it.
Best wishes to you with your new beginning!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by LizzyP
My emotions have been doing jumping jacks inside of me. But my soul is at peace.
L
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
hi lizzy,
sound like you have it together as reflected by your eloquent post. the best way to help them is to not help them. kindness, reason, money, caring, begging, pleading, etc etc has no effect.
my energy is focused on our child as i have come to realize i cannot make my aw see reason or stop drinking. to me personally, the divorce thing seems to be in part a retaliation to the addicts behavior; a possible way to "get even" with them, or perhaps for some.
Maybe I have not been stuck in the mud long enough. its been about 1.5 years finally physically separated. her new personality sucked me in and made me sick emotionally and physically. it was no way to live. her thing was to get all dolled up and stay out all night drinking and feeling like the life of the party, that by the way, I was paying for. she was irritable, nasty, and even delusional at times. I also paid the cell bill so she could talk with addict male courters(notice i didn't say "gentlemen courters")it would have been better to have a total stranger as a roomate at that point.
life is serene these days. i miss her very much but at the same time realize i cannot change her. the tragedy is a wonderful child is missing the once wonderful mother she had, and the solution seems so very simple to the masses; stop drinking.
big hug
sound like you have it together as reflected by your eloquent post. the best way to help them is to not help them. kindness, reason, money, caring, begging, pleading, etc etc has no effect.
my energy is focused on our child as i have come to realize i cannot make my aw see reason or stop drinking. to me personally, the divorce thing seems to be in part a retaliation to the addicts behavior; a possible way to "get even" with them, or perhaps for some.
Maybe I have not been stuck in the mud long enough. its been about 1.5 years finally physically separated. her new personality sucked me in and made me sick emotionally and physically. it was no way to live. her thing was to get all dolled up and stay out all night drinking and feeling like the life of the party, that by the way, I was paying for. she was irritable, nasty, and even delusional at times. I also paid the cell bill so she could talk with addict male courters(notice i didn't say "gentlemen courters")it would have been better to have a total stranger as a roomate at that point.
life is serene these days. i miss her very much but at the same time realize i cannot change her. the tragedy is a wonderful child is missing the once wonderful mother she had, and the solution seems so very simple to the masses; stop drinking.
big hug
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