StandingStrong

I remember during the beginning of my recovery process, I had a hard time with recovery in action. I had come to a point in my life where I realized that I had been lost. I didn't really know who I was anymore, the old me had disappeared. I couldn't have really told you what I liked to do or things that really brought me a lot of joy. It seemed that I'd been living my life around my Ah for so long, that I'd somehow lost myself. And so began the process of rediscovering who StandingStrong was - it was time to rediscover who I was, learn to accept and like myself, and become the person I wanted to be. No easy task, I can tell you!

In reading some of the posts of the newcomers, I remember well that feeling of being so absorbed into my Ah. I didn't have a clue as to what to do for myself! Me - be happy? Me - make a decision alone? Me - do something nice for myself? That seemed soooooooo unreachable!!!! Totally foreign idea!!!!!!
In that - I got to thinking that maybe we could share some of the things that we did that helped us to put our recovery in action. Perhaps it will help a newcomer, perhaps will even inspire a old timer, or give someone new ideas. What do you think?

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Things I have done in order to put my recovery into action.

I learned to detach. (this was a real hard one for me and I still have to practice it on a daily basis as I found I'm a "fixer")
My big detaching action was when Ah got a DUI. I simply said "I'm disappointed in you" and let it go. There was a time I'd arranged his ride to the AA meetings, been his chauffer as he lost his license, and stressed myself to peices over the financial burden as well as everything else. I realized this problem was his - not mine - and I did not involve myself in anyway.

I learned to set boundaries. The hardest part was learning the consequence part of the boundary! Still working on this one - but I've come a long long way!
A boundary in practice. When Ah would get verbally abusive, I ended the conversation. Eventually, the conversations got painful enough that I avoided having them and went into semi-no contact. (Semi because we have children together).

I need to find myself again. I started doing things for myself, some new things and some were things that I'd given up many years ago. I started attending concerts with my friends again, reconnected with friends I'd avoided, and started making amends for my absense in their lives. I bought myself things - clothes, lotion, even got my hair highlighted for the first time in my life.
My big one was getting my belly peirced. I'd wanted it done long ago before it was popular and my AH had threatened to divorce me if I did it. Well, I got it done! This wasn't spite - this was something FOR ME! (he didn't want to divorce me either, by the way. he realized that the peircing wasn't that big of a deal) In the end, I divorced him.

I told my Ah very clearly want I wanted and needed from him. He refused to give me those things. I had to accept his choice, and then I made mine. My needs were not going to be met by him - and that wasn't going to work anymore. He made his choice to continue his behavior - I chose to get my life back. As I mentioned above, we divorced. This was really the reason why. I asked for what I needed - he refused to give it - I couldn't accept that in a marriage. The marriage was over. It's not a marriage anyways when a person's needs aren't being met.

The kids and I had been prisoners in our own home for a long time. Oh yea, if he called and we weren't home, it was an excuse for him to not come home so he'd go get drunk. This started very early on in our marriage so I learned to stay home so I wouldn't miss a call. Well..............today I take my kids and we go do stuff. Whether it's a day at the park to just hang out, or a picnic in the park, or fairs and festivals, a shopping trip to the mall or whatever - our home is no longer a prison. And the kids have friends spend the night too (something they didn't do much when Ah lived here). We have a more free life now. We don't live around AH.

There were things about my house that I didn't like. We never had the money to change anything. (though he always had the money for whatever he wanted). Well, since he's moved out, I've managed to declutter, totally change my bedroom using some paint and faux painting, fixed countless things in the house with the help of my family and friends, and just so many countless things. It's been hard work with alot of labor - but I am now getting MY house. It's becoming a house that I enjoy coming home too - not just a house - but a home. And in re-doing things, I'm erasing some of the memories that haunt me in this house. It's been really great!


There are many more - but I'll let others respond now.

AllTooSober

Wow, it sounds like you're doing great! Nice job. Thank you for posting to inspire those of us who may not feel like it's possible to regain one's self.

parentrecovers

thank you! k

lilac

Thank you for your post, it gives me hope and keeps me on track.

an'ka

SS, good for you!! It's always wonderful to hear how people blossom after going through the horrible ordeal of addiction.

I am also taking baby (and not so baby) steps to live my own life, instead of filtering everything through AH. I am finally buying a condo for me and my toddler, and am already excited about decorating and all. For so long, I was responsible for me AND AH, paying his bills, loans, credit cards, so I always felt guilty for even thinking of buying things for myself; well, I finally stopped paying his debts and am learning how to be nice to myself. If I see a nice thing for the house or piece of clothing for me or baby, I buy it. I try not to think too much anymore--as long as the bills are paid, why not? My next goal is to have a monthly massage...

lilac

an'ka, good for you! ! I had my first massage this week and already have another one scheduled for next month. I plan on spoiling myself some.

I also went and had my eyebrows done the same day. Felt like a million bucks!!!!

I still feel guilty taking care of me, however.

Pick-a-name

WHere is the "thank you" button?! Thanks,SS. Printed this out as a "cheat sheet" for when I am feeling a relapse (like yesterday...ugh!).

Glad you are doing so well in your recovery...thanks for sharing and lighting the path!

StandingStrong

You know what - I have some really hard days. I have days where I just want to be alone and pout! I guess I realized one day just what that saying "Fake it till you make it" meant as well as some of the other things we hear alot (such as about backing up my words, etc).

This post was NOT meant as a post that was all about me!!!!!! Oh gosh no, I posted it in hopes that others would join me in giving ideas, inspiration, etc. for those that don't know where to begin, for those that still struggle, etc.

This is a sharing thread for all of us.

I hope more will reply with examples of their recovery in action.