mallowcup

Two in the last week. One six week old who was less than birth weight, failure to thrive. Father of infant in jail, moms new boyfriend and mom out in bar. No visits from mom in one week. Yes, I did say a six week old infant under five pounds and after giving birth six weeks ago, there is a new boyfriend. Then a 14 year old just out of surgery whos mother came to visit so drunk she couldn't even talk or walk. She kept banging into the girls fresh surical site and fiddling with her IV, She asked me if it wasn't common for the doc to put a patient in Contraction? She stumbled out for a smoke and got into a physical alercation with the security guards who wouldn't allow her to reenter. She smacked one of them and they called the cops who hauled her off. The girls older brother has custody of the girl and her younger brother. He and his wife were crying, they were embarrassed and upset. The woman was flailing and swearing. I'm getting sick of it. The woman was staggering and bumping into the walls, she was loud and making up words like contraction. I guess that's supposed to be a combo of traction and contraption. Later after everyone left and the room was quiet, the girl said, you are so nice, your kids are lucky, thank you for being so nice to me. Its a week before Christmas and I was reminded of Ashley, all the Ashleys. I don't have a question. There are some awesome kids in this world who are wise beyond their years, I am usually pretty chatty with the kids and I didn't know how to respond to this girl. Little did she know just how well I understood. I'm awefully proud to meet so many great kids who function in some of the messes they are in.

ohmari

and i'm glad there are people like you that realize that not all kids are immature and will actually take the time to talk to us.

thank you.

findmyself

ohmari, of all the victims of this horrible beast, it is the children I mourn for the most. We as adults, walk willingly into this grinding machine, and some of us stay even when we know better (guilty). But the children, oh God, the children. I wish I could scoop you all up and put you in a safe place. I'm sorry about your pain honey and I will pray that as you grow, you will shed all this heavy, heavy weight and fly with strong wings and be safe and loved. And your right, thank God for people like mallowcup who understand, and are there to help even through her own pain shes ready to go to battle again against the beast.

CatsTail

Hi Mallowcup,

This is an experience w ehad a couple of weks ago. My son and I were at Karate waiting for our class to start. A mother came in and sat about 7 feet awya and suddenly there was this wave of cigarette smoke and beer over us. I'm thinking what the heck how embarrassing and sad for her child to come in reeking like that. My son and I were just looking at each other and rolling our eyes.

Cat

mazey

They give no respect! or even simple consideration! Dam disease. Again, somedays it is just so very hard to truly give it disease category! Espcecially, when it comes to the kids out there.

guyinNC

Intoxiccated mothers and dads.

How can a bottle come between you and your kids!

mallowcup

Well, Ive come to realize if we have cancer, we cut it off. If we know a cup is full of poison we don't pass it to our kids and hope for the best.

lilac

I am glad that there are angels like you that are put into these kid's paths.

mallowcup

I do think we can all take all that energy we waste on trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking and invest it into some kids whos lives ar effected. I have wanted to start a "adopt a prom queen". I have seen no less than 50 teenaged girls pass through in the past year who have no loving mother at home. I have no daughters so I have missed out on fluffing and puffing a plain Jane into a swan. These kids are so good. They miss the prom, the dances, the confidence a mother can give. They need to look into the mirror and see how pretty they are. We have babies that just need to be held and rocked, they snuggle in and sleep so peacefully so that you know it matters. Be an angel and if you see a kid, find something nice to say to them. I have had teenaged kids with tatoos and body piercings and chains and black leather and when I call them honey, they soften into a plain old kid who just wants a kind word. You can live with an alcoholic and find such a place for your love and time. This time of year is big on behavioral admissions. Kids with nothing to look forward to. Talk to another kiddo that is the same age as your own kids and see what they tell you.

MsPINKAcres

It brought tears to my eyes as I read your post - We have an "Ashley" out there. She is a beautiful 29 yr old woman who has lost custody of both of her children (4 & 18 months old).
Wicked & evil this nasty disease.
Her children are such special little people, but already I see that look in their eyes. They miss their Mom.
All I can do is to be accepting to those wonderful Alateens that come in our group.
Let it Begin with me,
Rita

FormerDoormat

"I wish I could scoop you all up and put you in a safe place."

FindMyself:

Your 15-year-old daughter is living with an active alcoholic and she, too, is a victim of "this horrible beast" of alcoholism. Since you say you're "guilty of staying even though you know better," I have to ask:

Why haven't you "scooped up your own daughter" and "put her in a safe place" far away from the insanity of alcoholism?

You may have "walked willingly into the grinding machine," but she can't fix her situation. Only you can do that. You say you stay because you need insurance coverage, but that's just an excuse. Your husband is responsible for providing for your daughter's medical care whether you're living with him or not.

Just some questions that popped into my mind when I read your response. Sometimes we can't see the damage we're doing to our own children by accepting unacceptable behavior on the part of our alcoholic loved ones, but we can clearly see it in a stranger. What a shame that is.

Some food for thought....

findmyself

Former, Yes I stay, and I'll tell you why. I have lost my father. I have lost my sisters to cancer over the last few years. My mother was and still is a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive person who still lives near-by. I have absolutly no family. I married my AH 20+ years ago and I worked very hard to buy a home, dispite him. I have my home now. Now, because he is an alcoholic, I'm going to leave??? I'm going to walk away from what I Have worked so hard for? Oh, a**h*** wins again!!!! He has taken my peace, my dignity, my serenity, probably my sanity. He is not going to take my home. I am to old to start over. And I will tell you, He will quit his job and go to jail. It is not an idle threat from him. I know what he will and will not do. I know from reading here, some of you have your AB's AND AH's make unfulfilled threats. Mine means what he says. He can't pay insurance from jail. He can't pay child support from jail. I'm not willing to take the chance. Not with cancer living in my home. He does not scare me as much as it does. I will not risk her health or my home. I live in a part of the country where its takes a lot of work and a lot of money to put a roof over our heads and I'm not afraid of work. I can't leave for other parts of country because my daughters team of Doctors are here. Not everyone is free to leave a bad situation. I will someday, when it's possible. Right now its not. No i'm not making excuses, which I know I will hear. But until you know all about another person well.......
As for my daughter, I keep her as safe as possible. My AH is not physically abusive. If he ever did anything to hurt her physically...well lets just say all his problems would come to a quick, grinding halt. I mean what I say too. I will say one thing for him, he knows that there one or two lines he should never cross, cause he,d only cross them once. I wish i had enforced all my boundries like that before I looked up and was already engulfed in the flames of alcoholism. I can still dream of the kids in this world all being safe and still be where I am. I truly am guilty and take all the blame for where I am, where I've put my child, but I still wish that the thousands of crack babies, alcoholic abused familys, and all children in danger in this world were safe tonight. No child should be in fear of, or in want of the love of their parents.

findmyself

mallowcup, im sorry did not mean to steal your thread. I forgot where i was.

LaTeeDa

My husband was never physically abusive, either. But my children bear the scars of living for years in a dysfunctional alcoholic family. And it's painful to admit, but I now see that I did as much damage to their psyche as he did, maybe even more. They are in therapy now and healing, but it will likely take a long time for them to be emotionally healthy. At least I have attempted to break the cycle. My parents never did. It's no accident that I ended up in a dysfunctional marriage. It's been handed down for generations. I don't want to continue the legacy.

I, too wish I could save all the children of the world. But I have to settle for doing what's right for mine.

L

denny57

When you say you've got your house now, "in spite of him," does that mean it's in your name and you pay for it? I also come from a history of abuse - all kinds; tragic young deaths, illnesses, etc. I now call it life. I got sick and tired of talking about what I call my precious pain. Life isn't only about the hard times. I believed AH also took my peace, dignity, serenity and sanity. Probably more. Truth is, I gave it away. No one can take those things from me - they are intangibles. This past year I have set about reclaiming them all - that is in my power and I believe it's in every single one of our powers.

There are other options. I learned that after years of insisting it would be my way or the highway. These types of posts always resonate with me because I have made friends with so many adult children of alcoholics who suffer for it today. What was strange to me at first was hearing them say how much resentment they had to work through against the non-drinking parent.

No matter what, it's a tough situation and I hope you find some small peace in all of this. Take care and sending prayers for your daughter's continued good health.

p.s. I also thought I was "too old" to start over. I have not felt this young in years.

embraced2000

yesss....what denny said.



mallow.....god bless you!!! i'm sure some of these kids will remember you act of kindness's and spread the seed....i sure hope so....maybe one kind gesture their way will make them, in turn, be kind to another kid with the same problems.

FormerDoormat

In reading your posts, FM, it seems clear to me that you think the enemy is your AH and his drinking, when in reality the enemy lies within. The enemy is you. You aren't stuck in an impossible situation and your daughter doesn't have to tolerate life with a drunken, emotionally unavailable parent. You ARE making excuses. Regardless of what you've convinced yourself of, the situation that your daughter is faced with today--life with an active addict--is harming her physically and emotionally. And it's doing the same thing to you.

You say, "no child should be in fear of, or in want of the love of their parents." Why doesn't that statement include your child? Right now, your husband and her father can only focus on his first love--alcohol.

findmyself

Sometimes no matter what, people think they have the whole story. As I've read here before, "until you've walked a mile in my moccasins......."

denny57

I have the story you shared here.

Take care.

mazey

Hey, easy does it.....

Mallow, I understand your compassion, and I remember seeing such distressed kids at the hosp. and it would break my heart. What a good idea for the Prom thinger! I do understand where findmyself is saying let's scoop them up. FDM, I think your were pretty strong on your criticism of her and her daughter. I know you are concerned about kids living in the home with Alcoholism but what about the other parents here who have found peace with Alanon and continue to live w/ their A's. I think findmyself is new to this recovery stuff....let's not make her feel like she has to defend her Mothering.
Valid points, but easy does it.....