ICU

I'm probably asking a question that is none of my business as I 'should' know better than to take someone else's inventory, but.....I won't let that stop me LOL!

I am curious as to why a woman who divorced a man that was physically and emotionally abusive (I saw legal papers documenting this), who had a restraining order against him, but later dropped it at his insistance, who cheated on her repeatedly for years, scheduled vacations with his also married lover to coincide at the same time and same place as they were going, publicly in front of family and friends humiliate her, etc. etc. etc. would fight so hard to get him back and reconcile with him?

I know that once I was in an abusive relationship with hm, I had to go through a lot to learn to love myself more than I loved him and leave the relationship for my own safety and sanity. Knowing what I know now, I could never resume this relationship. Just as if someone told me on our first date that the above were reasons why his relationships had all failed, I wouldn't wait for the date to end, I'd be out of there soooooo fast.

Further to that, I had to look at why I accepted what he dished out. I found the answers in my childhood experiences.

But I can't understand why 'she', or any woman for that matter would take him back when they were over. Yes, she drinks (I suspect she is an alcoholic....at least a severe abuser of it). No children are involved. She got ALL the assets from the sale of the house and possesions when they divorced. So she didn't 'need him' for any of the obvious reasons.

Has he gotten THAT much better in the year and a half we've been split? Has he completely gotten off of alcohol, gone through Anger Management courses and enough therapy that he is cured (well, from the latter 2 anyway)! Does she trust that he'll never abuse her again? Does she not know that past behavior is a predictor of future behavior?

I'm stumped. I can't believe it's just that 'she loves the guy' and for her that's enough. There's a part of him that I still love too! But that's not ALL of him.

Again, maybe I have no right asking these questions and I suspect I may never know the answers....still, I can't help but wonder.

And before you ask me why I'm wondering, I'm honestly not sure. Is it a link that hasn't been severed completely yet? Maybe! Is it my brain's funky way of understanding so I never repeat the same mistake? I'm more comfortable with that possibility!

Any insights?

P.S. If the answer is because she's sick too....and he's still sick....then what does that say about sick relationships not working? It would appear that maybe sick relationships do work!

Pick-a-name

My first thought was "some are just sicker than others". Actually,that may be the "explaination". I do think it is human nature to wonder about these things.
I ask myself why I can not get my heart to accept the facts that my brain is starting to see. I also wonder how my exAH can have women AND a "social life" when he can not get it together or keep it together for even our kids (who I know he loves very much)... I guess it is whatever keeps their lives "together" in some sort of way that does not interfer with the demands of the addiction.

Thinking about myself (when I start getting into the mode of the woman you describe);part of it may be my own ideas of the way I imagine these relationships,etc....thinking of them in my terms of the healthy person I once knew;as if he magically became that again with someone else (or my deepest fear:BECAUSE of someone else!)..... Alot of that is that I was led that way in my thinking every time he said "I caused him to drink" and I believed him on any level at all. I probably project the fear that he was right,then I start thinking that he is well now,etc,etc.... Perhaps this is what happened with this woman you are speaking about. At a vulnerable time,maybe she thinks/HOPES he is well now..... I know I have to work hard to not allow my thoughts and feelings to start drifting to that dangerous place.

You are not alone in these thoughts. As you have already mentioned,you already know it is not wise to dwell on them or even to think there IS an answer....all a part of the insanity of addiction. When we can see this,I think we are better able to avoid being consumed by it and move on to more productive things to think about;part of our journey of learning to shift gears. Doesn't mean it doesn't sting sometimes.
JMHO

CatsTail

Both people in a relationship like that are equally as sick but with different issues.

Cat.

denny57

There are so many reasons people go back to the familiar. I'd concentrate on why I care. For me, it was tied up in self esteem issues - why wasn't I good enough to stay with? A real joy for me this past year is truly understanding that what he does has nothing to do with my value as a person.

ICU

Hmmm...maybe! It could be that the honeymoon phase of the cycle hasn't fallen to pieces yet. Or, it could be that he has a very strict probation officer that really monitors his alcohol intake, and perhaps he's really not drinking anymore!

I guess maybe I was wondering because as we all know, we reach different levels of recovery in our own time. Maybe all my pondering has shown me that I find her 'acceptance' as something I would deem unthinkable now...for me anyway. Considering all the choices I have made in my life, that's huge progress for me.

Like I said, I'll never know for sure, and it's really none of my business anyway. I wish these 'loose ends' and lingering questions would be over with already.