sisterray

Does anyone stay with their alcoholics and drug users and have it work out? I have been reading here constantly for days, and I dont see a lot of hope for us staying together. We still have a lot of good times, and I love him (not just the relationship, but him as a person.) We have been together breaking up, staying friends, getting back together for 20 years. I guess I am old (40 with a new baby) and dont want to lose my best friend. But I hate his actions much of the time. How often do they come around and become people that can function in real life, and are they really able to love us? (I know the answer to the last one is no, they cant, but I really want to believe he loves me) Lori

AllTooSober

I think sometimes people do manage to work through the disease and end up happy together again. I for one don't think I can last that long, but that doesn't mean it can't happen.

best

I am one that changed.
It can work out when he seeks to make it work.
What it took for me to reach this point was painful for me but more so it was painful for my family and those around me. The end result... I am the best I ever have been. Beyond anything I ever thought I could reach. New and improved.

There is always hope and the solutions are in his hands...he needs to want it and until he reaches a point that he makes that choice... Anon meetings will help you find peace in the storm.

iwillriseabove

Read the following post. Jalacola is me. I forgot my login when I came back to SR and my email changed so I just changed it all together. But I pretty much asked the same question, just in reverse. Read the responses. Consequently, I am still with my AH.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ouldnt-do.html

cmc

Hi sisterray,
Welcome to SR. Yes it does work out for some people. I am one who stayed and have been happily married many years. We will celebrate our 33rd anniversary next month. It's true that many do stay together, but remember that much of what you are reading here comes from people in crisis. I was in crisis several times over the years. We are all at different stages in life and in our recovery too. Keep coming back, there is hope. In the meantime and regardless of how the other person decides to live there is help for you here at SR and in Alanon.

HolyQow

I thought the same thing about this place when I joined. It seemed almost everyone was all-for leaving the Alcoholic. Then reading more, it seems it is pretty divided that probably half stay with their A and half leave.

I am one that is still living with AH. I have come to realize that even if he ever quits drinking.....it will not fix things. It will not fix ME. I stay because of financial reasons (stay-at-home mom) and because I am in no danger, while still focusing on what I have to do for myself, instead of just reacting to everything AH says/drinks/does. It is a standard here to tell you to join Al-anon...but unfortunately, it is not available in all areas, so if that is the case for you, I would recommend reading and educating yourself about addictions/alcoholism. Above are permanent threads (called stickies), and one has many good reading sources/books. Very easy to order online, or check them out from your library. The author Melody Beattie is a great place to start.

You're definately at the right place....whether you stay with A or not.

sisterray

Where are the stickies? I don;t see them-where at the top?

mfisher

I stayed for 23 years and left, it really had to do with the serverity of the behaviour. I think if he just drank, I may have been able to handle it. It was the years of cheating, 3 DUI's him going to prison and me losing everything that drove me out. I think you will see in reading here, peoples choices are pretty much driven by the A's behavior in their lives.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi sisteray and welcome. I am with AH and don't wish to leave. I am in that age range too but no children. I love him. He is a functional person just is an alcoholic with it. We have rough times. We (when he is sober) work on our issues and those that are my issues i work on in al-anon and in counseling. Keep reading the stickies are right above the threads. It says Sticky at the top just below where you log in. Irsh

katielynn

I stay with the addict in my life, but he is recovering. I am not promised that it will last, but I love eachday I spend with him sober. I felt the same as you when everything was horrible and even when he started his recovery. It's a bumpy road, but you have to do what is best for YOU. Times are rough right now for you and they will continue to be rough until he gets in treatment an dfinds balance. I will tell you that once and if he receives treatment you will feel out of place in his life and that is why it is good that you are here. I had to help myself once he got clean. He spends a lot of his time at meetings and so do I, even if its online! Just hang in there and do whats best for you! When I read all of these post he was in rehab and I freaked out. I thought it was over for sure and it wasnt our life together changed but it was a great change! Keep coming back, take what you like and LEAVE the rest!

sisterray

I have heard that when he does get into treatment and take it seriously (he gets forced into it all the time by his probation officer so he just plays the game as he puts it) that he won't have time for me any more. That makes me neurotic, right now we are his focus, when he's not drunk. He's a binge drinker, so there are periods in between. I don't know if I will like being left behind. I told my counselor that I am afraid if he does get better, that he won't need me any more, and will leave. My guy has never given me any reason to believe that, just sick me. But I was thinking tonight-maybe deep down I don't want him to get totally better, because then I wouldn't be as important to him. Just a creepy little thought I had. That's really wrong of me.

FormerDoormat

I don't think that's a creepy thought. I think that's just you learning how to be honest with yourself. It's hard coming to grips with reality. Living in denial is easier--for alcoholics and their co-dependents alike.

Zenkitten

I don't think it's creepy, either. I think it's a normal reaction to dealing with the day to day insecurity of it all. It's like living on a roller coaster. We get sick after awhile. It's important to be honest with yourself and keep your own reality, especially when it's so easy to get caught up in the craziness of it all. Take Care, Sisterray.

Grasshopper

Hi,you asked-are they really able to love us?Im alcoholic,and my hub is also.Both sober by God,s Grace.Alcoholism never had anything to do with if we loved each other,for we did,to the best that we could at that time.The obession of drinking over-shadowed our love for each other.But we still love each other.I gave our marriage to God,and have never looked back,and we are experiencing a marriage today that we never thought possible with each other.I came to recovery first,and was sober for 10 years,before he came to recovery.By this time,whether he continued to drink or not was a non-issue to me.I was hoping for his sake that he would find soberiety,but i no longer made my decisions,based,on whether he did or not.We both have changed,and its working,in God,s hands.Recovery is for me,no matter what another is doing or not doing.When i let go,and let God,the miracles happen,in many different ways for the many different folks.I left my worries to God,on whether to stay or go,and all the what if,s.

MsPINKAcres

True recovery is not always about leaving your SO behind or not being needed. Couples can walk side by side in recovery. It can truly become a healthy partnership.

Recovery evens out the playing field - If everyone is totally dependant on a HP, then the mate doesn't have to carry the responsibility for the other.
It may seem a little scary because it is unfamiliar, but actually it is very freeing.
My AH has 3 & 1/2 yrs in sobriety and I have 3 yrs in Al-Anon - we spent the first 15 months of our recovery seperated, but by God's Grace we were able to work things out & are very happy together.
Does he still exhibit some of his character defects? YES - But then so do I.
It is a process. We are growing together and yet seperately. Most of all, I have learned to take care of me. That is the best thing I can do for our relationship.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in You - You deserve it.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita

sisterray

I have been fretting all day and trying not to. I saw him in jail on Tuesday, but now its Friday, and he hasn't written or anything. I don't know why-I know the mail from here gets there the next day, but he's sent me stuff from jail that has gotten here a week later. So I'm worring for nothing. But I still worry about him leaving when he gets out. He brought up the idea of living apart for a while until he gets himself back working and ok again. I bucked totally-when he has left in the past, I have had to deal with the kids alone, pay the bills alone because he needs most of his check to pay his own bills, and he comes and goes here whenever he feels like it. So I am left feeling like I have to beg him to come over. And it seems wierd to ask my husband to visit me. So I told him either he comes home and tries, or he leaves and we are done. I don't want to handle the in between. Now I am wondering if I was being selfish because I don't want to live through the maybes of whether or not he will ever feel like coming home. Lori

J-Diver

I used to read that before you leave or divorce, to ask yourself "Am I better off with him or without him?"

I have been asking myself this for most of my marriage which is over 20 years. I am still married. My AH is not abusive though, or my decision would have been different. He was a good parent and our kids love him so much. I have no doubt that leaving would have had a negative effect on them. I stayed and it was the right thing to do in my case. Am I really happy? I don't think so, but I don't know that leaving would have made me any less unhappy.

Staying so far, has been the right choice for me. The marriage itself is pretty sad, but our family as a whole is a terrific team!

Julie

susane1408

Hello sisterray,
I've been with my partner for 3 years now, he's been an alcoholic for over 20 years. You may like to search my posts for our history although I haven't posted much lately.
Phil decided enough was enough 18 months ago and went into a rehab clinic, was sober for 6 months and had a small slip at Xmas of 2005 which he dealt with by going back to his Dr to get medication that would help him in his resolve; that was Acamprosate.
He was always a lovely man, even when drunk, so it was not a difficult decision to be him through his fight with alcohol, if he had chosen not to fight it he would be dead now and I would not be typing this post but a quite different one.
Phil is now happy, healthy, hardworking and will have been sober 1 year at the end of this one.
take care of yourself x
Susane