OnceNice

Well I'd like to know what some of you do when you start thinking badly.

Sugah

I try to separate the facts from the feelings. What's going on, Rose?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

OnceNice

Well most of you who have been able to recover know what a hard time I'm having. I saw my shrink yesterday. I told him that I was able to stop for almost four months. I started again though. I told him that its seems that I'm using other peoples problems as my trigger to start again. Like I said I've been doing this since 1993. No, bad troubles for me as a result of my drinking, like loss of jobs or jail or stuff like that. But I'm always depressed and I drink alone. He asked me what triggered it for me to start again after almost four months. I said well, my nieces mother was going to have to go to jail and she was all upset. I couldn't help her and her mom and her dad (my brother) are divorced. My brother started yelling, and that was it. I sat at home drinking trying to solve there problem. Then I quit for a week or so and my boyfriend was thrown in jail for 30 days. AGain not my problem and I drank. Now at work people are just crabby and mean and I'm trying to help them and I can't so I drink. I told the doctor that I must be nuts that I'm so stupid to let others problems trigger this thing. two years ago I was in out patient and was doing great for about three months and my sisters husband lost his job for substance abuse and then I just went and drank.

The doctor says I'm overly sensitive and that I want to help people but their problems are theres and since I can't he says he thinks I feel bad and that is why I numb myself. I was surprised. But this is all true. I drink when things are going wrong that I can't solve. Geez, the Ketrina thing and the Tsunami and this war. I told the doctor I must be really truly nuts. To harm myself because I can't help others. I have not children I have no husband, why would I do such a thing. Can't help people out of your mind anyway.

It upset me that out of all the excuses that substance abuses use, I used this one. It makes me feel sick.

So I wanted to know how to push the thoughts away. That trigger, that says. You are useless you can't help them anyway. Then I drink and think about their problem not mine. I'm kinda shocked that this is really my trigger. I though home alone was my trigger. But its other people and I can't tell them not to talk to me when they are hurting.

I'm sorry I'm babblling today.

My reasons for drinking are dumb and stupid. Others have more troubles. I feel like a real fool.

Sugah

Rose, maybe this is not about other people. Maybe this is really about you and you're not seeing it. Now, I'm not a shrink, and I don't know you well, only as much as you've shared in your posts, but I'm remembering my own experience in early recovery and the warnings I received from my sponsor. To feel concern for another's life and choices is one thing. Trying to support someone and help them to make a right decision -- when invited to do so -- is fine. To take on responsibility for someone's bad choices or unfortunate cirucumstances implies a failure on your part -- as though you had the power to intervene. Now, you might not see feeling bad for others as an exercise in ego, but if you look at it from another angle, by partaking in self-destructive behavior, could it be that you're punishing yourself for not being a hero to these folks? You should have been able to make a difference. But how? Accepting that you cannot control others -- admitting powerlessness, working the first step and substituting "people, places and things" for alcohol might be the place to start. Trying to exercise control in situations of powerlessness leads to unmanageability -- in this case, in you getting drunk.

I'm not going to tell you "It's your ego, Rose," but I would suggest that you (perhaps in conjunction with your therapist) take a look at it and see if that might be the case. It's a step -- and one step at a time is how we get sober and stay sober.

I'll say a prayer for you. I'm glad to see you're around!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

OnceNice

Did I wear out my welcome?

Sugah

No!!! I'm very, very glad to see you! And I've no doubt I'm not alone in that, sister!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

OnceNice

Oh that was not meant for you Sugah. I just feel. That's all I'm just letting my feelings take over. Sometimes I judge myself on how many people read my thread and who doesn't respond. Its silly. Just another emotion problem I guess.
Take care all.

Sugah

I often get on here in the afternoons when I get home early from school, and I see that though a lot of people might show up in the "who's online" box, I think a lot of folks have the site open at work and aren't necessarily reading or responding. And don't feel alone. I don't often begin threads, but when I do, I look at those things, too. Oh, we of fragile egos!! *sigh* We'll get better, right?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

GlassPrisoner

Most alcoholics are like this, don't feel alone. Remember, you can control your actions, not everyone and everything around you.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

c'est la vie

I wouldn't worry too much about the number of responses, Rose. There are some really boring and quiet times here at SR. Maybe this is one of them. I'm here alone (kind of) often and it sometimes makes me sad, but I'm trying to get used it.

I hope you don't get overly concerned about your trigger being good or bad. It is what it is and you just need to learn to quiet the bad talk. What were you doing differently in that 4 months? Maybe try changing your routine to get back that special something that seemed to work then.

OnceNice

To tell you the truth I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He's been sober since July. Doing great and going to AA. I would go with him. I don't like it too much so I quit going so he could enjoy himself without me being a negative person. We watched movies and had a good time. Then he got caught driving (license revoked) and he went to jail. It upset everyone and I just sat at home and drank. I couldn't get him out of jail for 30 days and didn't know what to do. So, I just drank. That was my trigger. His problem. Now he's still not drinking. So what does that tell you. Maybe I need to have something horrible happen to me. You now that "yet" thing. Seems like I let everyones horrible things that happen to them that stopped them from drinking cause me to. Makes no sense. I make no sense. I'm a fool.

kojac

Rosa;we love ya! and are pulling for you ....oftentimes the winds of life tends to overwhelm us beyond repair. And with this I'd tried fixing stuff from the outside-in many a times in the past to no avail(nil); but this process of Recovery is an inside-out job. And,I know beyond a doubt that I'm not responsible for another's person Recovery....It sounds kinda selfish yet how can I benefit others when my owe stuff is out of wack. And,instead of getting in a lot of verbal gibberish;if you have a Basic Text please look at pg.417;Fourth Edition. And, Please take the time to give yourself a break & meditate in this suggested reading. seloth@. tfs

OnceNice

I gave my big book to him. Sigh! Someone gave it to me for free and told me I should give one to someone some day. Since he was doing well and I wasn't, I thought I'd give it to someone actually working the program. He's doing great, and I'm well, I'm just not drinking when he's around. Since he can't drive I don't see him as much. He was basically living with me.

Sometimes I think when something horrible hasn't happened to the drinker themselves its harder to quit and since I don't go anywhere but home and I don't drink at work, not too many horrible things happen to me. I don't shake if I don't drink, I don't drink if I'm preoccupied. Its just when I get home my mind starts to work. It works on everything but not drinking.

I feel so alone. I feel like I can't even be a good enough drunk to fit in with the selfhelp programs.

I feel not real.

Sugah

Rose, he broke the law and got himself arrested. It wasn't your job to "get him out of jail." It was his job to sit in jail, for that was the penalty for him driving with a revoked license. Working a program or not -- we still have to face the consequences of our actions, and he faced his. Did he ask you to try to get him out of jail? Maybe he should have asked you for a ride instead?

Don't worry too much about giving your Big Book to him. I'm sure it won't go to waste. There's lots in there about the need to be honest and true to oneself. And you can pick one up at a meeting. They're not expensive -- $6-$6.50, depending on whether or not they're hard or softcover. I haven't bought one lately, but I think that's about the same price as a decent six pack of beer.

It's not too late to turn this around before you have to face any major consequences. I am glad that you're seeing a therapist again. Perhaps printing this thread and taking it to your next session might help?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Slowbriety

Serenity prayer and more prayer then, talk to another alki.

NoelleR

Hey OnceNice ----

While i was reading your original post I was formulating what I might say in a response, and lo and behold.....Sugah hit all the points I wanted to address ---- yeah!!! ....Soooo, I guess I'll just say ---- DITTO to what Sugah has written...

One minor thing....the Big Book was written to show folks how to recover from alcohol.....etc. so, I kinda see that as it was written for me when I was just starting out, trying to stop drinking.....if I'd waited till I'd stopped.....I might still be waiting.....lol

If you use your search engine --- *****, google, whatever --- and you type in AA Big Book Online, a number of sites will come up where you can read the first 164 pages of the Big Book.....a little help till you get a hard copy, eh? ...... (o:

NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86

P.S. Oh yeh, about your question regarding the 'thinking badly' or 'negative thinking' as I like to cal it, for me, I believe that for every negative thought there is a positive thought, and I usually use those to counter my negative thoughts, as they arrise.....or if I don't have a handle on a positive thought, I just try to realize that it's only a thought and I don't have to give it any power by focusing on it, but I try to focus on just about any positive thought at the time.....If you can't think of a specific positive thought to counter a negative one, you could try: "No matter what, I will NOT pick up." Use it kinda like a mantra.....over and over and over....till that nasty ole negative thought is gone..... (o:

OnceNice

Thanks everyone. I'm off tomorrow so I won't be here. I sure miss having one of these at home. Have a nice weekend. I'll see ya.