dobiediva

I'm new and came here out of desperation. To make a long story short my BF of 1 1/2 years is an alcoholic but doesn't think he needs help. His argument is that he can go weeks without drinking (which USED to be true but isn't anymore!!) and he isn't a mean drunk. He already has 3 DUIs and has been banned from 4 local bars that I KNOW OF. He gets obnoxious and annoying and tends to get destructive when he's drunk. since we've been dating I have kept him out of trouble for the most part and his family thought everything was getting better. Well it isn't. He thinks he's not hurting anybody so he doesn't understand why I'm upset with him. Well he is hurting ME and just doesn't seem to care (of course when he sobers up he does). Emotionally I'm tired of alcohol ALWAYS winning. When he's had too much to drink and I ask if we can just leave and go home he chooses to stay and close out the bar. I've broken up with him many times over this and every time he has managed to convince me that this time will be different. I love him dearly and know it's time for me to get some help...for ME. You guys have helped me already. I read you stories and I see what I'm in for. It hurts. It sucks. But I need it to change. I have looked into local Al Anon meetings and plan on attending next week. Thank you for this forum. You have given me hope. Not necessarily that HE can be better, but that I can be.

prodigal

I'm glad you're here and that you're taking steps to help yourself. It is natural for you want him to see the light and realize he's an alcoholic. We have all been there, tried it, and failed. Naturally, you want to have a positive influence on him and see him recover. Right now he is having a negative influence on you and does not have any desire to acknowledge his disease, much less attempt to recover.

He kisses up to you when he's sober and treats you like dirt when he's drunk. This is what is. I applaud you for taking steps to get help for yourself because you cannot do anything for him other than detach from the chaos he creates. He is an example of how this disease progresses. It won't get better unless he chooses to get better. Some A's get better because they wish to, others have to hit bottom, and some only hit bottom when they end up dead. It is a tragedy, but one over which we have no control whatsoever.

We have all loved the A's in our lives. We usually find we have to love them from a distance. Living with one usually wears us down, wears us out, and makes us crazier than they are. As much as you love him, my bet is if you gave him an ultimatum to choose between you or the bottle, the bottle would win hands down. It's a shame, but at this point you are coming in a distant second to his desire to hang out in a bar until all hours getting drunk.

Please keep posting and venting. We'll try to help in any way we can. Everyone here understands what you are going through.

AllTooSober

Welcome, dobiediva! Your situation hits close to home with me. I'm glad you found your way here--this place keeps me sane. I hope it helps you as much! (((hugs)))

IrshIzNotSmilin

Dobiediva ... I said this to queentree why did you choose to insert diva.. DIVA who is the diva? Right you are catching on and making good choices. You can't change that radical alcoholic behavior. But you can change how you feel about you and what you can do for you. Is is fun? Nope! Is it your dream? Nope! But it is your path! Yep! for whatever reason I think we are the chosen, those who will be thinking and working through their lives...for a time. It is what our HP wants. Best to you keep posting and welcome. Irsh

dobiediva

LOL. I work for a doberman rescue group and that's what we call our girls since they're such princesses to us (plus those are my initials, DD) I in no way see MYSELF as a diva. I'm pretty low maintenance.

FormerDoormat

I volunteer for an all-breed rescue. The fat guy on my avatar is the newest of my four pound puppies--affectionately known as "Phat Boy." OK, sister, fork over some photos of those pups!

dobiediva

Ok I figured out the avatar thing. Now we can see some nice dobies I just love volunteering. We have a great group and have saved some AWESOME dogs (including the dog that started it all for me, my precious Eve.)
Maybe that's the GOOD part about codependency. We sure want to save everyone and everything! LOL

denny57

Makes me chuckle. My neighbor's terrier is having puppies. She's worried about who they will go to. I said let me know when you're ready and I'll announce it at my Al-Anon meetings. LOL

dobiediva

See?? Its the Codies that keep the world a nice place to be. We take on all the pain for everybody else and try to make it right.

deax

Just wanted to say hi and welcome, dobiediva. Glad you're here, I can hear and understand your frustration.

The above part of your post really impressed me. It took me months of being here and going to Al Anon to get that point where you already are-- where I read others' stories and made any connection to myself. I considered my relationship and my situation to be 'different.' My denial was in overdrive. So I think you're already in a good place to start the process of making things better for yourself. Again, welcome.

Cali wife

Welcome....I'm as new as you are to SR. I am married to a "happy drunk" he is really something! I am glad to hear you are helping animals they are so grateful for human attention. Wish the man in my life was as easy!
I have two rescue dogs they keep me sane in this world of maddness. Keep your chin up!

dobiediva

That's what makes me a great "target" for an alcoholic! I'm a big softy for anything that "needs" me...If I can make life better for someone (human or animal) I will give everything to do it. Just never saw it as a "fault" until I got involved with ABF!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hey Dobiediva nice pup pic. I don't care if your low maintenance so am I but I think we all need to think of ourselves as important aka divas to reach out of the codie pot. Have a good day!!!!

lilac

Hello, and Welcome to SR. My AH also thinks that he can just "quit" without any kind of outside help, also. I moved out in October, and have been to therapy and one al-anon meeting. I now realize that I have to work on me, and I can't control ANYONE ELSE. I have heard the "it will be different" phrase so many times............

I am glad that you have found this site, it has been a blessing to me !

Cynay

Just wanted to stop by and add my Welcome to the groups.

HHTexas

The quote about "I don't understand...I'm not hurting you...blahblahblah" is a fav of my A. I just want to kick him when he says it. What would be a good comeback to this? I try to explain it's emotional pain but the words never come out right. He thinks that because he doesn't beat me, hasn't murdered anyone, and has a good job to pay the bills that I shouldn't be concerned. Errrgg

AllTooSober

After all, how can something that gives the A such pleasure POSSIBLY hurt anybody else? Why isn't everybody happy that the A is so happy? BAH.

dobiediva

That's the one response that really ticks me off! Sometimes I feel like MAKING him hurt me so I can say "There! You HURT me. Happy? Now knock this sh@t off and STOP!" But when he gets mad at me he just walks (staggers) away.

FormerDoormat

What a spectacular looking dog. Thanks for sharing. You know, I've noticed that, among our somewhat small group of regular posters on F&F, that we have a good number of animal rescue workers and nurses, too. Not surprising to find that many of us are life-long caretakers.

I've found that being an animal caretaker is infinately more fulfilling and much less harmful to myself than being a caretaker for an addict.

dobiediva

Gotta love something that appreciates the chance and the help you give it without telling you it's your fault they're that way in the first place. A rescued dog is unconditional love returned 10 fold. It never ceases to amaze me that we can take in a completely neglected, abused dog and it still loves and trusts us to help it. No grudges, no blame. Only gratitude, devotion, and love. Too bad humans can't be that way.