Outed myself
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Outed myself
For the first time I went to my parents and told them that I was in trouble again. I've been smoking and drinking and am starting to get out of control. I don't need to go to a rehab, as I've done that several times before. I just need to get this.
I gave my father my online banking information and told him to check it from time to time to see if there are any irregularities. I am going to start going to the gym with him in the mornings so hopefully I will be able to go to bed earlier as night time is bad for me. I told them that if they suspected something it was probably right and they should confront me. I also warned them that I may not react nicely, but I do appologize in advance and will try not to be like that. I told them that they have my permission to look through anything in my room at any time for any reason. I did warn them about the porno mags by my bedstand! What can I say, I'm 38 divorced and it's been awhile!!
Keeping me straight is not their responsibility, it is mine. I am also going to resume weekly meetings with my theripist. I am a firm believer that addiction is more of a symptom than a disease. If I can get to the bottom of why I hate myself so much I want to harm myself, maybe I can get somewhere.
Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my attempted suicide. I consider myself an agnostic, but I am alive today through nothing I can explain other than divine intervention. I may not get a second shot.
I'm sure you guys get tired of me posting this crap time and time again, then going right back to the same old crap. For the believer's out there, please pray that this is the last time, and for the more secular, keep a good thought for me these next few days. I appreciate it.
I gave my father my online banking information and told him to check it from time to time to see if there are any irregularities. I am going to start going to the gym with him in the mornings so hopefully I will be able to go to bed earlier as night time is bad for me. I told them that if they suspected something it was probably right and they should confront me. I also warned them that I may not react nicely, but I do appologize in advance and will try not to be like that. I told them that they have my permission to look through anything in my room at any time for any reason. I did warn them about the porno mags by my bedstand! What can I say, I'm 38 divorced and it's been awhile!!
Keeping me straight is not their responsibility, it is mine. I am also going to resume weekly meetings with my theripist. I am a firm believer that addiction is more of a symptom than a disease. If I can get to the bottom of why I hate myself so much I want to harm myself, maybe I can get somewhere.
Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my attempted suicide. I consider myself an agnostic, but I am alive today through nothing I can explain other than divine intervention. I may not get a second shot.
I'm sure you guys get tired of me posting this crap time and time again, then going right back to the same old crap. For the believer's out there, please pray that this is the last time, and for the more secular, keep a good thought for me these next few days. I appreciate it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Tyler,
I am a believer. I also believe in divine intervention and I know how hard it is to stop, especially when you don't like yourself. And, I know how hard it is to learn to like yourself when you've had a lifetime of not doing that. It sounds like you have a good plan - exercise, keep busy, do things that make you feel good about yourself. I can't say I agree with the amount of involvement you've given your parents, but that's just me. Whatever works for you is what you should do.
Tyler, have faith. You can do this!
I am a believer. I also believe in divine intervention and I know how hard it is to stop, especially when you don't like yourself. And, I know how hard it is to learn to like yourself when you've had a lifetime of not doing that. It sounds like you have a good plan - exercise, keep busy, do things that make you feel good about yourself. I can't say I agree with the amount of involvement you've given your parents, but that's just me. Whatever works for you is what you should do.
Tyler, have faith. You can do this!
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,791
(((((Tyler))))) Lovey tos see you glad your ok. Its not what I believe that keeps me clean and sober more the action I take that helsp shapes a new life.
Stay close.
Kevin
Stay close.
Kevin
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Tyler - I NEVER get tired of seeing you in here... Something about your honesty and openness just clicked with me, right from the start.
There are no coincidences, bud... you are here for a reason.
(((Tyler)))
There are no coincidences, bud... you are here for a reason.
(((Tyler)))
Think Happy Thoughts
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: cHiCaGo iL
Posts: 245
Its good to see that you are taking the steps. From the last part of your post I assume this is not the first time. Well, I will pray it be the last time for you.
There is NO excuse for relapse. I say this to all people who have relapsed because it was said to me when I relapsed. It pissed me off at first because I knew it was right. (at least in my case it was) People relapse because they WANT to. If you think about it, there are many tools that you gather to help you stay clean and sober. You just have to have the desire to stay clean. If that desire is greater than your desire to use then there should be no problem picking up the phone and calling someone to help you through those 24 hours.
Use your resources and stay strong. My thoughts are with you.
There is NO excuse for relapse. I say this to all people who have relapsed because it was said to me when I relapsed. It pissed me off at first because I knew it was right. (at least in my case it was) People relapse because they WANT to. If you think about it, there are many tools that you gather to help you stay clean and sober. You just have to have the desire to stay clean. If that desire is greater than your desire to use then there should be no problem picking up the phone and calling someone to help you through those 24 hours.
Use your resources and stay strong. My thoughts are with you.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Sending out hugs and prayers to you Tyler.
A horse doesn't care how many times he/she
knocks you off his/her back, but as long as you
keep getting back on, they will give up eventually,
and you'll be the winner. God bless. Hope3
A horse doesn't care how many times he/she
knocks you off his/her back, but as long as you
keep getting back on, they will give up eventually,
and you'll be the winner. God bless. Hope3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS
Posts: 500
Praying for you, Tyler and God Bless! I am also having troubles with alcohol and quiting, I have quit a few times but keep going back and I think this time might be harder than the last time I quit for about 34 days before so I know I can stop it is just hard-i guess cause my disease has progressed.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Tyler, as you stated: "then going right back to the same old crap....
So, if I may, you keep doing it the same way, and getting the same results.
Perhaps it's time to handle it differently....does not seem to be working.
Hope you are doing well today!
Tom
So, if I may, you keep doing it the same way, and getting the same results.
Perhaps it's time to handle it differently....does not seem to be working.
Hope you are doing well today!
Tom
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Right here.
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by tyler 
If I can get to the bottom of why I hate myself so much I want to harm myself, maybe I can get somewhere.
Why do I hate myself? It doesn't matter. Figuring out the reason doesn't change the fact that I must learn to love myself.
Why do I drink? It doesn't matter. Figuring out the reason doesn't change the fact that I must find a source of power that will allow me not to drink.
Why did I ruin my credit? It doesn't matter. Figuring out the reason doesn't change the fact that I must learn to pay my bills on time.
For me, "Why" is a question that focuses on the dark past. "How" focuses on a bright future. You'll often here this same sentiment expressed as "Quit living in the problem and start living in the solution".
Last edited by subliminalurge; 12-14-2006 at 10:54 AM.
Im not crazy and neither am I
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
Tyler
These folks seem to know what they are talking about with figurng out the hows rather than the whys. The hows focus on today as they do in AA. They whys will come with time in my opinion. It seems to be working for me. I kept coming back with the same ole' crap and decided it was better to follow their lead.
I was at a meeting the other day and the speaker was talking about sponsors. He compared it to being lost in the woods and wouldnt it be good to have a guide in the unfamiliar territory. Made sense to me.
Im glad I got a sponsor.
These folks seem to know what they are talking about with figurng out the hows rather than the whys. The hows focus on today as they do in AA. They whys will come with time in my opinion. It seems to be working for me. I kept coming back with the same ole' crap and decided it was better to follow their lead.
I was at a meeting the other day and the speaker was talking about sponsors. He compared it to being lost in the woods and wouldnt it be good to have a guide in the unfamiliar territory. Made sense to me.
Im glad I got a sponsor.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by 51anna
Tyler,
I can't say I agree with the amount of involvement you've given your parents, but that's just me. Whatever works for you is what you should do.
Tyler, have faith. You can do this!
I can't say I agree with the amount of involvement you've given your parents, but that's just me. Whatever works for you is what you should do.
Tyler, have faith. You can do this!
Perhaps I should elaborate a little. I am currently living at home with them. I know that I do need to learn to "survive" on my own, but I figure it can't hurt to have them help "keep me honest". I dont' expect my mom to come in and "toss" my room, but if she thinks she smells pot and I tell her I don't have any, given my history for lying, I think she should have the right to look. Bottom line, it is her house. As for the finances, again, just a safty check. I deposit about the same check every two weeks, have the same basic bills and if he notices anything more unusual about it other than that, he should ask me. Perhaps that makes it clearer, perhaps not. I'm interested to hear you opinion
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
You know Tyler, I've been thinking about my comment and I think you are doing the right thing. My impression was that you were giving your parents too much power, but I realize that you are just asking them for their support and they are giving you their support. And, that's great! My first thought was that you going to depend too much on your parents input. But, I realize that is not the case. You are taking full responsibility, and using your support system. Honestly Tyler, I had no support system whatsoever. I was completely on my own and never felt more alone in my life. So, even after being around these boards so long, I still find it hard to really understand the idea of having a safety net. You are very lucky Tyler.
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Originally Posted by tyler
I just need to get this.
(((((Tyler)))))
I know that we both have struggled here since we have joined. You have supported me and I have supported you. I know that sometimes we make it too hard when it could very well be easy. You know what they say that it is the first one that gets the cycle going again.
The using starts way before we pick up. The dope, alcohol really isn't our problem. It all has to do with our behavior. Our behavior is what takes us back out. That is why they say that we need to change. If we continue doing the same things that we have done, we will keep getting the same things that we have always got. I am not perfect, only human. But as long as we don't pick up we have a chance.
I know that for me I finally did the most honest appraisal that I could possible have done, and I felt the relief from doing it this time. I almost have 7 months now and I have never been so much at peace than now. Sure I have issues, WE all do! But the thing is Tyler that WE can do this deal together. Maybe try something different this time! Do you know what you could do different? Thinking of you as always.
Love Vic
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