wolflvr

Hi everyone. I used to post on this forum a few years ago and well, Im back. I have been married for 7 1/2 years to my best friend. We used to drink together until alcohol nearly killed him 4 years ago. That day I stopped and havent had a drink since. He on the other hand hasn't found his way yet. He has stopped off and on mostly because his health made him but he always goes back to the alcohol. He is not a mean drunk but he is an annoying one and it drives me crazy. He never drinks at home because I dont allow it. He goes to work, buys a "club or 2 or 3" on the way home, drinks before he gets here and about 15 minutes after he is home it kicks in. he is not always drunk but he is rarely 100% sober. We go to church and I know he hates living this way. He says he does it because it numbs him. We did in-vitro during a sober time and I am now 8 1/2 months pregnant...due Jan 21st with a little girl. it took us 7 years to be blessed with this "miracle" and I dont understand why he has turned to alcohol again. I got laid off my job in August after working there for 10 1/2 years and now the financial problems are starting big time. My husband works his butt off 10-12 hours a day, 6 days a week to provide for us and it hurts him so much that even that barely gets us by. I feel bad he has to work so much while I am at home because I cannot work until the baby is born. I worry he will get pulled over, get sick again, have a heart attack. everything. I want my daughter to be raised with her father in a loving, sober home. I will NOT raise her in a home with him if the drinking continues. That is how his childhood got messed up and I refuse to put my little girl through that. Sober he is the worlds best husband and will be an amazing dad. Thing is....will the sobriety come? Last night he came home from work and I could tell he had been drinking. Mind you we have NO MONEY!! I remembered this site and all I learned on it in the past and I applied it last night. I didnt argue, yell, nothing. I just let him pass out and came on here to start reading. This morning he came up to me and told me he was sorry and he had a lot of thinking to do today. Ya think stupid a**??
I'm trying to leave the ball in his court for now and not over react like I used to. I found crying, yelling etc. only upsets me but does nothing for the situation. Im just very worried about what the future holds for us and our baby. This is our dream come true...why would he do this now?? I know noone can answer that ??? but wouldnt it be nice if someone could? Anyways, I know Im rambling so Im going to end this now. Im thankful that I remembered this site yet sorry to see there are so many people like me on here. God bless you all and thanks for listening.

an'ka

Welcome, Wolflvr. I understand your frustration and anxiety--I've been there along wth thousands of others. I was also pregnant when my husband lost his job and hit the bottle BIG time. Both of us were very excited about the baby, she was no accident. However, that did nothing to stop him from drinkng. In fact, he spiraled completely out of control and in the last two years, I left him and am raising our girl on my own. I've come to realize that alcohol addiction is a disease--it is not a moral defect, it has nothing to do with will or love. The thing is, there is nothing you can do to change his drinking; you may succeed temporarily, but unless he wants to stop, you will just make yourself insane with trying. I understand about the money problems--do what you can to protect yourself and your child, even if it's painful and feels like you're bailing on him--it is you and the baby that come first now. Alcoholism is progressive and will get worse, so take tiny steps every day to take care of you. Best of luck to you.

iwillriseabove

I can definitely relate to you. The most important thing to consider now and forever is what is best for that baby girl. I spent many nights alone when pregnant with our second child (now 2 1/2) and then was separated when she was 5 months old. Ironically, it was MUCH easier with just my kids and me.

Hard decisions may be right decisions. My AH isn't necessarily a mean drunk either by nature. Annoying, like you said, and what makes him mean and angry is the fact that I can't keep my mouth shut and I push his buttons when he is drunk. I'll admit that. He does the same thing -- drinks on his way home and then our night is ruined b/c he acts like an idiot. I try to ignore him, but he is "all paws" and won't leave me alone and I can't stand it. He has been through rehab twice, but he still has no coping skills to handle his triggers. He was sober for 4 months and then 2 weeks ago started again. Now I am back to the same worries. If he is 30 minutes late from work, has he been in an accident? Did he get a DWI? It's horrible. I let that worry go while he was sober and he was on his way to earning my trust back and now it is gone again. I don't think I will ever trust him again. We were separated for almost 2 years and it was the most peaceful my life has been in almost 10 years. I knew he wasn't going to drink and drive b/c he didn't have to. He could drink when he got to his apartment and no one would say anything. B/c of this, I am making preparations for him to leave again, and this time (yes, I have said this before) it will be final. I have told him at a sobering moment that the next time he stops at a liquor store, to consider what he is giving up.

In the words of Dr. Phil... "Nothing changes if nothing changes." My AH has it pretty good. He gets to do what he wants, say he is sorry, and continue to live here. If that's all it takes, heck, I wouldn't work too hard on change either. Nothing will change him if he doesn't want it. He is an addict and has to work his own program. YOU are in control of YOUR life. Speaking from experience and past mistakes (some still current), take charge of your own life and worry about you. It's impossible for me to do with my AH being an active drinker. Some people can do it, but I have tried for years and can't. It's a choice that I make for myself not to do that.

Good luck and keep coming back here and reading. And if you haven't already, find an al-anon meeting in your area.

GettingBy

hiya wolflvr!

Where there's a will, there's a way... for both of you. If he wants to drink, he'll find a way. For my husband, it meant cleaning out all of the change buckets. Can you imagine walking into a bar/convenience store with a handful of quarters? Anyways...

You need to get the focus back on you. What can you control/change? Focus on that. What do you need/want? Work on that. If you absolutely don't want to raise your daughter in the presence of an alcoholic, then you need to start making plans to leave him (there are NO guarantees of sobriety with an alcoholic). If you really want him to be her father, and to have him in her life, then you need to learn how to handle how to live with an alcoholic. As my sponsor says, stay or go, doesn't really matter because either way we're gonna work on you!

I stayed. I've been in Al-anon for almost 2 years now, and it really has brought tremendous peace into my life. Our marriage is stronger than I ever imagined it could be. My husband is battling his drinking. He does still drink. He's toying with the idea of being able to control it. It's his business and I stay out of it. Our daughter is almost 5 months old now, and when he's in the midst of an episode (which can happen when he's stone cold sober too!!!), we get the heck out of the house. I don't want her to grow up experiencing the same insanity I (and my husband) grew up in. But that also means I have to own up to my own insanity and irrational behavior, and I have to be cautious to not let myself spin out of control in front of her as well. It's hard, and Al-anon is what helps me. It works for me, for today... and I think that's the secret... One day at a time. I live in the here and now and try my best to not get hung up on all the what ifs.

Hope some of this helps you...

Shannon

iwillriseabove

GettingBy, my AH would go to work with NO $$ and STILL come home drunk. He would tell a co-worker that he left his wallet at home and ask to borrow $10 for gas. Pathetic, huh?

WantsOut

The time around the birth of a child is very stressful, as you well know. It can bring up fear of responsibility, memories of a painful childhood, fear of being trapped in a relationship, fear of being a bad parent. It's not surprising to me that things would get itchy around a pregnancy.

That's no excuse, btw. it's just a possible reason for this flare-up.

ellima01

Your story really got to me. My AH and I just had our baby girl in July- it took us a long time to get pregnant. He was sober when I conceived and had been for a couple of monthes- and he stayed sober until out of the blue- when I was 7 1/2 mths along he started back again in full force- since then the only sober period he's had was during his 60 days in jail. I worry about raising my beautiful daughter around a drunk father. I will pray for you
ellima01