Coping with abuse!?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: WA
Posts: 1
Hi There
I am not an alcoholic but I live with one who comes home at the end of everyday drunk.He verbally abuses me and our 3 grown children on a very consistant basis and his aggression is getting so much worse to the point he verbally abused me in front of my best friend just last night, I was so embarrassed. Can anyone offer suggestions as to how I cope as my patients has come to an end.
I am not an alcoholic but I live with one who comes home at the end of everyday drunk.He verbally abuses me and our 3 grown children on a very consistant basis and his aggression is getting so much worse to the point he verbally abused me in front of my best friend just last night, I was so embarrassed. Can anyone offer suggestions as to how I cope as my patients has come to an end.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Let me start with a big Welcome to SR.... Im glad you found us.
Can I ask "why" you want to find ways to cope with abuse? I know there are many reasons people stay with there Alcoholics and just wanted to ask you why.
What worked for me and is still working in my daily life is .... Theraphy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, SR and a heck of alot of reading.
Theraphy I learn the reasons for my choices ... what is happening inside, how I feel and with her help if the feelings are healthy and valid... and if not what Im comfortable with to change it so Im being true to myself and taking care of that little girl inside.
Al-anon gave me face to face people that "really" understand because they are or where right where I am. They are a suport group like no other and at any moment I could call someone and get the personal support and understanding I needed. Although Im currently looking for another, Al-anon also gave me a sponsor, one person to talk with and who you and she get to know each other on an intimate level.... someone I can tell anything too who will not judge me and affirms that there is nothing I have done that others have not. With her help she guides me through the steps and is a balance.
Open AA meetings give me compassion... it helps when I can see it from the other side, when I can be around people that have the disease and are sober today and working a program. They can give me the truth and not sugar coat it. SR for daily reminders of where I came from and gives me the oportunity to be of service to others that log in with the same pain I once felt.... and reading cuz of my need to figure it all out..... which by the way you cant do but I keep trying.
Hope that helps alittle.... please know this is not your guilt/shame to carry and you are no longer alone. I look forward to getting to know you.
Can I ask "why" you want to find ways to cope with abuse? I know there are many reasons people stay with there Alcoholics and just wanted to ask you why.
What worked for me and is still working in my daily life is .... Theraphy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, SR and a heck of alot of reading.
Theraphy I learn the reasons for my choices ... what is happening inside, how I feel and with her help if the feelings are healthy and valid... and if not what Im comfortable with to change it so Im being true to myself and taking care of that little girl inside.
Al-anon gave me face to face people that "really" understand because they are or where right where I am. They are a suport group like no other and at any moment I could call someone and get the personal support and understanding I needed. Although Im currently looking for another, Al-anon also gave me a sponsor, one person to talk with and who you and she get to know each other on an intimate level.... someone I can tell anything too who will not judge me and affirms that there is nothing I have done that others have not. With her help she guides me through the steps and is a balance.
Open AA meetings give me compassion... it helps when I can see it from the other side, when I can be around people that have the disease and are sober today and working a program. They can give me the truth and not sugar coat it. SR for daily reminders of where I came from and gives me the oportunity to be of service to others that log in with the same pain I once felt.... and reading cuz of my need to figure it all out..... which by the way you cant do but I keep trying.
Hope that helps alittle.... please know this is not your guilt/shame to carry and you are no longer alone. I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello,
I am sorry you are suffering right now, but you are in the right place to find some help for yourself and your children. You don't have to face this alone.
I wanted to welcome you to our forum too and give you a link on verbal abuse taken from one of the stickys at the top of this forum page. You might want to take a look at some other stickys up there too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html
Soon others will be coming by to offer their ideas and experience with you.
Take care,
cmc
I am sorry you are suffering right now, but you are in the right place to find some help for yourself and your children. You don't have to face this alone.
I wanted to welcome you to our forum too and give you a link on verbal abuse taken from one of the stickys at the top of this forum page. You might want to take a look at some other stickys up there too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html
Soon others will be coming by to offer their ideas and experience with you.
Take care,
cmc
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, pain, sorry I missed your post yesterday
Understanding alcoholism and verbal abuse, both together and separately helped me. The Verbally Abuse Relationship by Patricia Evans is a good read. Al-Anon helped me detach and not take it personally.
Keep posting. Lots of great people here to help you through.
Understanding alcoholism and verbal abuse, both together and separately helped me. The Verbally Abuse Relationship by Patricia Evans is a good read. Al-Anon helped me detach and not take it personally.
Keep posting. Lots of great people here to help you through.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
The only way I know of to cope with an abusive alcoholic is to detach, leave the room, leave the house, or leave the marriage (which I did in June '00). Of course, I didn't work a program, so what did I end up marrying in September '02? Another alcoholic! I have to bear that responsibility myself because if I had been in a program I NEVER would have stuck my tongue back into the blades of another running fan!
Therapy and Al-anon can really help you to cope with your own feelings and give you an opportunity to understand why you are tolerating his abuse. I finally understand why I glom onto the type of men I do: no self-esteem, no sense that I deserve better, a compulsion to "save" an addict from their own chaos. I realized I played a role in this disease when I read Beattie's "Codependent No More." I've read it several times and it took awhile for me to get it, but I finally did. I've spent far too much time obsessing about the addicts in my life while ignoring my own needs. Please consider giving Al-anon a try.
Therapy and Al-anon can really help you to cope with your own feelings and give you an opportunity to understand why you are tolerating his abuse. I finally understand why I glom onto the type of men I do: no self-esteem, no sense that I deserve better, a compulsion to "save" an addict from their own chaos. I realized I played a role in this disease when I read Beattie's "Codependent No More." I've read it several times and it took awhile for me to get it, but I finally did. I've spent far too much time obsessing about the addicts in my life while ignoring my own needs. Please consider giving Al-anon a try.
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