Thought he'd made progress
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Metro, TX
Posts: 29
Thought he'd made progress
Hello, everyone. I used to post quite a bit, a couple of years ago, but have recently decided to become more active again.
I have personally witnessed the miracle that is AA. I have been married to my AH for almost 9 years. We have two children and he has always had a drinking problem, though it really reared it's ugly head completely about 2 years into our marriage. He went to rehab back in August of 2004, and made it 30 days and then drank in celebration. We separated 3 months later and were separated until this past September. At the end of July, he decided once again to enter rehab. He was in for 33 days, and came out a different person. He was attending at LEAST a meeting EVERY day, sometimes 2, and once or twice, even 3. He found coping skills. Whenever we would have a disagreement, instead of threatening to leave (which was always what he would do), he would go to a meeting, cool off, and come home just fine and apologize. At the end of October, he got a new job and began making excuses for not being able to attend his home meeting. He said that he couldn't get off from work in time to get there. We began arguing more - not over that, but over everything. Last week, he finally got mad at me enough to leave and stay at a hotel....and drink for the first time in over 4 months. I begged him to come home the following day and work things out with me. I told him what a positive impact AA had on him and that it's what he needed (I know; don't tell him what to do), and he refused. This week, he got mad at me over something stupid and he did it again. Today, he decided to go to two meetings for the first time in over a month. He comes home, we get into a minor disagreement, he leaves. He is back to the same behavior that he exemplified while active in his addiction. I have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth for fear that he will misinterpret it and make an excuse (b/c that's all it is) to leave.
I have decided to ask him to leave for good. As good as things were in September and October (which were the best months I think of my entire marriage), the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And that is what I am seeing. I am sitting up here at 1am worried, wondering if he is okay, when I should be sleeping. So, b/c I know that I cannot and WILL not go back to the way things were prior to our separation, I will not allow him to come home. This is a big step for me. I always have let him talk his way back in, so please say prayers of strength for me.
What I have come to realize over the past several years is that he and his addiction have been the center of my life for as long as I can remember. Why should HE determine how I live my life? He shouldn't. I can't control him and I sure can't change him, but I can definitely control my life and say that my choice is not to live like this. I am worth it and so is everyone else on here.
Two or three years ago, I would have said that I can't let go of someone I love, but two years of separation and of peacefullness and of not worrying... That was much better. And I was FORCED into independence and of taking care of myself and my two kids alone.
Well, that's it. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far
I have personally witnessed the miracle that is AA. I have been married to my AH for almost 9 years. We have two children and he has always had a drinking problem, though it really reared it's ugly head completely about 2 years into our marriage. He went to rehab back in August of 2004, and made it 30 days and then drank in celebration. We separated 3 months later and were separated until this past September. At the end of July, he decided once again to enter rehab. He was in for 33 days, and came out a different person. He was attending at LEAST a meeting EVERY day, sometimes 2, and once or twice, even 3. He found coping skills. Whenever we would have a disagreement, instead of threatening to leave (which was always what he would do), he would go to a meeting, cool off, and come home just fine and apologize. At the end of October, he got a new job and began making excuses for not being able to attend his home meeting. He said that he couldn't get off from work in time to get there. We began arguing more - not over that, but over everything. Last week, he finally got mad at me enough to leave and stay at a hotel....and drink for the first time in over 4 months. I begged him to come home the following day and work things out with me. I told him what a positive impact AA had on him and that it's what he needed (I know; don't tell him what to do), and he refused. This week, he got mad at me over something stupid and he did it again. Today, he decided to go to two meetings for the first time in over a month. He comes home, we get into a minor disagreement, he leaves. He is back to the same behavior that he exemplified while active in his addiction. I have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth for fear that he will misinterpret it and make an excuse (b/c that's all it is) to leave.
I have decided to ask him to leave for good. As good as things were in September and October (which were the best months I think of my entire marriage), the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And that is what I am seeing. I am sitting up here at 1am worried, wondering if he is okay, when I should be sleeping. So, b/c I know that I cannot and WILL not go back to the way things were prior to our separation, I will not allow him to come home. This is a big step for me. I always have let him talk his way back in, so please say prayers of strength for me.
What I have come to realize over the past several years is that he and his addiction have been the center of my life for as long as I can remember. Why should HE determine how I live my life? He shouldn't. I can't control him and I sure can't change him, but I can definitely control my life and say that my choice is not to live like this. I am worth it and so is everyone else on here.
Two or three years ago, I would have said that I can't let go of someone I love, but two years of separation and of peacefullness and of not worrying... That was much better. And I was FORCED into independence and of taking care of myself and my two kids alone.
Well, that's it. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
So, b/c I know that I cannot and WILL not go back to the way things were prior to our separation, I will not allow him to come home. This is a big step for me. I always have let him talk his way back in, so please say prayers of strength for me.
p.s. Read my signature line
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i could have written your post, iwillriseabove.....
xah did exactly the same thing....got sober for 10 months of which 2 months were fantastic....then the sliding of meetings, just want to be with you for the evening babe, it's too cold, it's too hot, i'm too tired, i'll just read from the big book, we can have a meeting together and you can stay home from your al-anon meeting and we can just be together....on an on.
then, the restlessness, anxiety, anger.....arguement, then motel room for drinking.
over and over and over.
you sound wonderful....you know you can make it happen for you now. and you know you have a choice now.
love to you
jeri
xah did exactly the same thing....got sober for 10 months of which 2 months were fantastic....then the sliding of meetings, just want to be with you for the evening babe, it's too cold, it's too hot, i'm too tired, i'll just read from the big book, we can have a meeting together and you can stay home from your al-anon meeting and we can just be together....on an on.
then, the restlessness, anxiety, anger.....arguement, then motel room for drinking.
over and over and over.
you sound wonderful....you know you can make it happen for you now. and you know you have a choice now.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
take care, iwill. You have 2 past experiences to draw on: the active alcoholic's behavior and the peace you enjoyed when removed from that. Sounds like you know which one to choose. Keep posting as you work your way through it.
((()))
((()))
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Take care of u and try to get some rest, hun. You have gave your marriage your all and if he isn't willing to meet you half way, so be it. Be strong and I will say a prayer for u and have the gals add u to the prayer chain, thousands will be said for u. Be well, Kerry
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