Hello to everyone - could use some advice in reconnecting with my mother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 1
Hello to everyone - could use some advice in reconnecting with my mother
I grew up with an alcoholic mother and abusive alcoholic stepfather until I was about 17. After visiting my Dad one summer, I refused to return unless she left the jerk. She did, and for my senior year in HS, her life seemed to have turned the corner. When I moved on to college and then grad school, however, things got worse - she became more depressed when I wasn't around, drank a lot, smoked a lot and became a person that wasn't very pleasant. She got in more abusive relationships, rejected some good men because they weren't abusive, and consistently betrayed my trust. So I decided at the age of 25, after trying to help her out and failing, that I had to break off our communication.
It was tough - I felt guilty and worried about what would happen to her - but eventually became comfortable with it. This week, I got a call from my dad that she called him and told him she had cancer. At this point, I felt I had to call her to see what was going on. She sounded horrible but upbeat and happy I called. But the thing that kept me away all these years was that she refused to see she had a problem that required help.
She has told me she is 'only' drinking beer now and that she'll probably have to give up smoking and drinking now that she's going to have to do 6 months of chemo. She said its going to be 'boring' having to give these things up. Jeez, she'll have so much to deal with she won't have time to be bored..
I could use some insight/advice on how to reconnect with a person after so long. Also, does anyone have insight on how to bust this stupid perception that it will be 'boring' without smoking or drinking? Sorry this rambles but it is a big change after so long.
It was tough - I felt guilty and worried about what would happen to her - but eventually became comfortable with it. This week, I got a call from my dad that she called him and told him she had cancer. At this point, I felt I had to call her to see what was going on. She sounded horrible but upbeat and happy I called. But the thing that kept me away all these years was that she refused to see she had a problem that required help.
She has told me she is 'only' drinking beer now and that she'll probably have to give up smoking and drinking now that she's going to have to do 6 months of chemo. She said its going to be 'boring' having to give these things up. Jeez, she'll have so much to deal with she won't have time to be bored..
I could use some insight/advice on how to reconnect with a person after so long. Also, does anyone have insight on how to bust this stupid perception that it will be 'boring' without smoking or drinking? Sorry this rambles but it is a big change after so long.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi BG,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here. I'm sorry to hear about your mom's health and that she is still drinking after all this time. It's hard to witness someone destroy themselves like your mom is doing.
One thing I have have learned in my recovery is that I cannot change another's thinking or actions, but can only change myself.
Soon there will be others coming by to share their experience with you.
While you are waiting for others so share, I recommend you take a look at the information listed in the 'stickys' at the top of the forum pages of the Friends and Families forums.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here. I'm sorry to hear about your mom's health and that she is still drinking after all this time. It's hard to witness someone destroy themselves like your mom is doing.
One thing I have have learned in my recovery is that I cannot change another's thinking or actions, but can only change myself.
Soon there will be others coming by to share their experience with you.
While you are waiting for others so share, I recommend you take a look at the information listed in the 'stickys' at the top of the forum pages of the Friends and Families forums.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I wish I had some words to help you with your situation. While I talk to my mother about the various nothings of the world, I wouldn't say I'm connected to her, so I'm afraid I can't help much.
That being said, welcome to the board and hopefully someone else here will have better input for you.
That being said, welcome to the board and hopefully someone else here will have better input for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello BG, and welcome to SoberRecovery.
I also disconnected from my alcoholic parents in my mid-20's. Much like you describe, they refused to take action to overcome their addiction and they were highly toxic to me. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
The "perception" that you are refering to where an addict comes up with all kinds of excuses to continue using / drinking is called "denial". The best information on how to deal with addiction and denial in someone you love can be found in meetings of Al-Anon. I highly recommend you visit a few, check out their literature and pamphlets, and see what suggestions they can give you. You can find them in your phone book, or here
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
As far as how to "reconnect", my first question is why do you need to reconnect at all? There is a concept in Al-anon known as "detachment", which allows us to be able to deal with a family member without getting tangled up in their addiction. I have used detachment in dealing with my alcoholic parents, and more recently with my addict wife and it has been a life saver.
We have a lot of wonderful information in the "sticky" posts here and in the other "Friends and Family" forums. Please browse around and see what you find useful.
Welcome again.
Mike
I also disconnected from my alcoholic parents in my mid-20's. Much like you describe, they refused to take action to overcome their addiction and they were highly toxic to me. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
The "perception" that you are refering to where an addict comes up with all kinds of excuses to continue using / drinking is called "denial". The best information on how to deal with addiction and denial in someone you love can be found in meetings of Al-Anon. I highly recommend you visit a few, check out their literature and pamphlets, and see what suggestions they can give you. You can find them in your phone book, or here
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
As far as how to "reconnect", my first question is why do you need to reconnect at all? There is a concept in Al-anon known as "detachment", which allows us to be able to deal with a family member without getting tangled up in their addiction. I have used detachment in dealing with my alcoholic parents, and more recently with my addict wife and it has been a life saver.
We have a lot of wonderful information in the "sticky" posts here and in the other "Friends and Family" forums. Please browse around and see what you find useful.
Welcome again.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
BG, I've been estranged from both my parents at times in their lives. My dad did the ultimate last year and shot himself so I guess that is permanent.
With my mom, well I just had to first establish boundaries for dealing with her. My spouse has noted that when I am around her I am not the man she knows. I become quiet, distant and subdued. She doesn't like this effect on my normally bubbly and happy disposition. She knows about all the bad stuff that I grew up with so she has a hard time with her anyway. Once I established boundaries, I called and said "hi". It went from there.
I do believe that if I had not established boundaries I would not be "safe" around her b/c she is so negative and has such a negative impact on my psychy. I am fortunate to have a wonderful spouse who has a wonderful family and I can lean on her and them.
Peace, Levi
With my mom, well I just had to first establish boundaries for dealing with her. My spouse has noted that when I am around her I am not the man she knows. I become quiet, distant and subdued. She doesn't like this effect on my normally bubbly and happy disposition. She knows about all the bad stuff that I grew up with so she has a hard time with her anyway. Once I established boundaries, I called and said "hi". It went from there.
I do believe that if I had not established boundaries I would not be "safe" around her b/c she is so negative and has such a negative impact on my psychy. I am fortunate to have a wonderful spouse who has a wonderful family and I can lean on her and them.
Peace, Levi
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
It sounds to me like your mom is an alcoholic... can you accept that? My mom was active in her alcoholism until I was in my mid twenties... then she quit. She was miserable for a while, but has gradually gotten better over time and has now been sober 25 years.
I guess you have to look to yourself - what can YOU live with? Will you feel anger and resentment if she keeps drinking? Can you live with the guilt if you cut off all ties because of it? Can you accept her as she is, or will that be too disruptive?
To find out more about alcoholism and what it is (and what it isn't), there is an excellent book called "Under the Influence" that is excerpted in this link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I wish you the best and hope you post again. Don't be afraid to come on over to the other friends and family forums, too.... lots of us who have relatives who drink. I think you'd fit in just fine. (((hugs)))
I guess you have to look to yourself - what can YOU live with? Will you feel anger and resentment if she keeps drinking? Can you live with the guilt if you cut off all ties because of it? Can you accept her as she is, or will that be too disruptive?
To find out more about alcoholism and what it is (and what it isn't), there is an excellent book called "Under the Influence" that is excerpted in this link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I wish you the best and hope you post again. Don't be afraid to come on over to the other friends and family forums, too.... lots of us who have relatives who drink. I think you'd fit in just fine. (((hugs)))
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