LIFEOUTTHERE

I cannot seem to make the STBXAH understand that it is over. I have been nice, I have been stern, I have been sarcastic, even cruel at times. He still tells me that when I am finished with whatever female problem I am going through he will happily take me back. This is not PMS or Post Partum, and I have had both.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I have no emotions toward him. I should miss him. I should cry. I should feal some sort of sadness. I should still love him. I try to think really hard about the good times, but I can't remember any. I know that we had some, but all the bad fogs the good. I don't even miss the companionship. I know I sound like the worse person, but I just wanted to share my feelings, which happens to be no feelings at all.
Is this right? There must be something wrong with me or the alcoholic is right about me being a cold hearted bit**

denny57

You sound healthy to me. There are no shoulds when it comes to feelings. The more I learn, the more I understand that my understanding of love most likely was not healthy. From your posts it seems you have made a choice for you and your children, have found you are happier than you were before.

I wouldn't try to convince him it's over. He'll figure it out when he's ready.

Have you done any private counseling/therapy?

deax

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think you reached your limit at some point, and you're just done. That's ok. Everyone gets there at different times. Some of us take longer than others. And you never know, other emotions may come in time. Or whan circumstances change, like when he really gets it. So feel whatever you feel right now. It's your process and you're entitled to it.

As for him not getting it, I feel the same way about my ex. He doesn't believe it's over, I could tell that the last time I spoke to him. That's their own denial. It spreads beyond the addiction eventually, to taint everything, I think.

Acushla

I think you sound normal and sane. And the numbed feelings can be a part of grief...and I think we grieve when we have to leave someone for any reason, be it death or alcohol or whatever reason we are incompatible. Also numbing your feelings can be part of your survival, protective gear. What's under there, the anger and pain, is so severe, you have to NOT feel it for a time, or some times...you will probably find feelings coming up later. And probably just the relief of having gotten yourself out of it is immense and why should you NOT enjoy that?!? That's why you left!

I am still at the place of yin/yang, seesaw...when my husband is sober he's so wonderful and we have such a good time and get so much done together. When he's drunk (and this time it's day 18 after 60 days sober) he's a totally different man and I don't like him, in fact I am growing to hate that part of him. He is like two different people. So I sort of wait out the Mr. Hyde and hope Dr. Jeckyl comes back again. At first when this began to happen, I'd feel so sad and mourning our good times and the man I love(d?)...now when it happens I just turn cold and angry and, this time around, really withdraw from him in all ways. I've moved into my own room, sleeping alone, staying away from him, keeping verbal exchanges to the necessary (because if I say more than that I start wanting to scream at him again)...anyway, each time we go through this I feel my heart hardening toward him. It can soften right up again when he's sober, in just a few hours! But, because I feel a progression of this in me, I am pretty sure I will reach a point like you are in, of no feelings at all. Maybe then I can leave him. Because it looks like that's where we are headed minus a miracle on his end.

ANYWAY...as to your situation, maybe it's time to really cut off even talking with him for a while. So you can stop having to question yourself about this. I think you sound normal and sane and I wish you all strength. I know we all need all the strength we can find.

LIFEOUTTHERE

The only reason I even posted today is b/c he has been calling for the past few days and I tell him I have nothing to say to him and hang up as soon as I hear that it is him. Yesterday he met me after work in the parking lot. I had no where to run and of all days I had forgotten my cell, which if you know me this is nothing new. I did not upset him I just listened until he moved to let me in the van. He told me however that it was a good thing that he would still take me back. He told me he would be over this weekend to collect his wife and kids and for me to be ready. I called my lawyer this morning and they are going to take care of the harassment. He kelp saying I don't understand, I don't understand. I stopped trying to explain things to him several weeks ago. He has been divorced before. He knows that the 60 day waiting period is coming to a close in approximately 20 days, I still will not be able to get a court date until Mid January, but he does not know that. He will get worse before he gets better I think. His sister and BIL wants me to get a restraining order, I did not want to have to go that far, BUT I will if I have to. He seems more unstable everytime I talk to him.

Denny - I have got the kids in therapy. They are doing great.

I took them shopping this weekend and bought them new clothes and shoes. I also bought myself 3 whole new outfits that are totally not momish. My mom is taking me to get a new hairdo for chirstmas. (My christmas present) I have not changed my hair ever. I always wear a ponytail and everyone thinks I am a teenage girl. They can't beleive I am 28 w/ 3 kids.

laurie6781

Sounds to me, as has already been said, you are quite HEALTHY. He just doesn't get it. He is still in his false Alcoholic Reality.

Yes, I think a restraining order is probably the next step.

Sounds great that you are taking care of you. Yes, get that new haircut. Enjoy your life, your kids, your folks.

I think you are doing great after the hell you have been through.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Acushla

Are you safe, LIFEOUTTHERE? I only ask as I have a long career, from which retired now, as a divorce paralegal...can you have a friend stay w/ you this weekend if you think he plans to show up? Or is he not "dangerous""? (Sorry I'm new here and don't know your story.) Probably a restraining order is a good idea; it doesn't necessarily stop them from trying to access you but it gives you something to enable the authorities to intervene if he does, and it helps with the paper trail for custody, etc.

Take care, you sound good to me!

cinderellawkids

Lifeout there,

Im sorry Im not sure we've met Im usually on Friends and family of substance abusers. I too generaly have aponytail and no one imagines Im 31 with 3 kids.
The numbness feelings, the feeling nothing is part of moving on part of getting past it all. It may come and go for a while but it is perfectly normal and you are effectively not leting him get to you.
Stick with that and take one day at a time

LIFEOUTTHERE

Thanks Acushla-

I really don't think he is dangerous. He has on occasion acted really weird so I don't know, but I don't think so - If that make any kind of sense.

I am staying with my parents and I am never alone right now, except late at work, but I will be more careful from now on.

Acushla

Good to hear it...I guess "escalation" is something we all have to be prepared for...

But mostly just be proud of yourself...you give us all courage...

an'ka

Lifeoutthere, I could have written your message. I just posted a message on the Fam of Substance Abusers forum, basically saying the same thing, that my AH refuses to digest the fact that we are over, even though I have a blister on my tongue from telling that to him in so many different ways. Only my problems is that I am not numb; his denial makes me murderous. I know I shouldn't take it so personally, but am having trouble implementing that. When or when will I feel absolutely nothing around him?

mazey

As someone said, I think our hearts/emotions become a bit hardened after awhile, so it may be so peaceful and happy where you are at now, you don't feel much warm and fuzzy towards him. A place in your journey is where you are, and you are doing well! BUT, do keep an open mind about him and that he could flip out. Always the potential.

dollydo

You sound very healthty to me! I would keep my ears and eyes open in regard to him. Unfortunately, you never know what an "A" is going to do.

Keep up the good work!

Dolly

Acushla

Thank you guys for this reality-based reminding. This website really is helping me already. Yup, I'm there. Today he crawled out from his drunk and is bustling around as if all is well and he's an upright citizen. I'm not fooled. But I'm not talking about it either, just taking care of business and working on myself, keeping my mental safety as my number one concern right now.

This website is phenomenal. I feel so relieved, I am not alone!!!!!

LIFEOUTTHERE

Mazey & Dollydo -

You are very right. His ex-wife called last night. She works down the road from me and gets off a little before me. She told me that he has been in the parking lot next door for the past 2 weeks. I had not even noticed. He has said that he would take himself out if I did not come back - my thought is what will keep him from taking me with him. There are nights that I wake up in a panic and checked all the doors to make sure they were locked. So yes, I guess I am scared of him and what he might do. I want to think that he would not hurt anyone, but with an A - you just don't know.

Thanks Guys!!

And Welcome Acushla - You are not alone!! I am glad you found this place. It has let me know that I too am not alone. This site has probobly save me, really it has.

MeHandle

Someone recently told me that my Spirit was gone along time ago, but my body has just not left yet. I don't cry, get upset or miss him. We are still in the same house but in different bedrooms.

silkspin

Acushla, this sounds like me. We are sleeping in separate bedrooms, and it's exactly the same. He has been in recovery for 2 weeks now, and he hasn't drank, but he hasn't really had any opportunities/temptation yet (we moved cities and in with my parents, kind of beyond the suburbs and we're all pretty much snowed in). Also, he's going to meetings but a few times a week, and not every day as I hear many do. It bugs me how easily I can fall right back into things when he's sober. We are selling our home in the other city and have no money until that happens, otherwise I would have asked him to move out. But for now I feel like I'm on your seesaw!

I have also felt pretty numb many days and wonder if I'm gaining clarity, or if I'm in some kind of grief stage. Wonder if a big terrible gush of emotions will eventually come. But when I told him I needed to separate, it was quite emotionless and I guess that's when I knew it was right. I'm just scared of what will happen next and maybe a bit too jaded to believe that this is going to be it. He 'seems' sincere but I can't rely on that!!!!