SarahOfTheShot

This is my first attempt at getting sober and not using in quite some time, my first real attempt I should say. I feel totally overcome by this emotion I can only describe as fear.

Fear that I won't have any 'fun' any more.
Fear that I can't go out to eat, go to concerts....go dancing. Ever again.
Fear of facing what's really causing me to run away from my life.
Fear of things I may have already done that might come back to me.
Fear of what I might find under all this dependance and sickness.
Fear of that Friday night craving that usually leads to a weekend long bender.
Fear of telling my family/friends? Should I tell them, shouldn't I?
(For now I've only told my partner, he is extremely supportive of my efforts)
Fear. Fear. Fear.

Surely, there must be a way past this with running myself into anxiety hell. People do this all the time right? I mean obviously, look at all the people on these forums.

What is this? Is this normal? I don't like this nagging feeling like there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I cannot heal from it?

laurience

Sarah, I had many many of the same fears 79 days ago. What helped me is being totally honest with myself and not convincing myself once AGAIN.. that it wasn't so bad etc... I had to give myself a HUGE reality check.

Fear of not having fun anymore was also a BIGGY FOR ME.. What I did is change my focus. I started running (it is something I used to love) and putting all my energy into that plus doing ALOT OF SOUL SEARCHING..

Also, really try and not think long term. It is too overwhelming. Think of today. I won't drink or use today.

You are probably dealing with alot of anxiety (fear) and that is normal. It will subside. I hated that feeling at the beginning. Try and relax and drink nice decaffeinated teas.

As for the past, don't beat yourself up. It only makes you want to use that much more. I have some big skeletons in my drunken past but I had to learn to forgive myself. I can't punish myself for my mistakes the rest of my life plus that wasn't really us, it was the booze or other drug of choice.

Don't feel like you have to tell anyone. Just worry about yourself now and when you want to or feel comfortable talking about it, then you will.

I have only told a few of my friends and it will be 80 days for me tomorrow.
Hang in there!! A big comfort hug to you...
Joanne

Midas

Yep. I started a thread about some of my fears;
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-sober.html
(shameless plug)

Have you read it? The fears you have are quite common actually. I overcame most of my fears as I spent quality time with my home group of AA. Now...I know you don't particularly care much for AA, but there are some good alternatives out there.

Mongo

Hi Sarah. Sorry to read that you're feeling apprehensive.

First, take a few deep breaths and try to relax.

When I started in recovery I felt just that way. And yes, recovery is hard work. One thing I noticed almost immediately is that my anxiety, really high at first, decreased after a few days. One thing I kept telling myself if I was worried about something was I'm way better off facing this sober. If I drink, it solves nothing, and will probably make it worse. I had problems to face, many as a result of my drinking. After somne sober time, they didn't seem so tough.

Your partner knows what you are trying to do, and this support will help you.

It may sound like a cliche, but it does get better.

One thing that helped me is a tool from the Smart Recovery website, called the Cost Benefit Analysis. Take a few minutes, and write down each point and then reread.

Cost-Benefit Analysis

This is a decision making tool. It helps if you write down your thoughts and update them as needed. Take a piece of paper and divide into four segments. Each segment represents a cost or benefit related to a topic, in this instance, addiction to alcohol. It also helps to label each thought as having long term(lt)and short term(st) consequences.

1) Advantages of Drinking

-I like the buzz(st)
-Helps me to relax socially(st)
-Gives me something to do(lt)

2)Disadvantages of Drinking

-health concerns(lt)
-Financially a burden(lt)
-poor job performance(lt)
-strained relationships(lt)

3)Advantages of not Drinking

-Improved health(lt)
-more money(lt)
-improved job performance(lt)
-sense of accomplishment of healthier lifestyle(lt)

4) Disadvantages of Not Drinking)

-withdrawals(st)
-social situations are harder(st)
-cravings are tough(st)

Those are just simple examples of points common to a lot of people. If you choose to try this, make at as personal as you like and write down any thought that enters your head. Keep a copy handy and review it frequently, updating as necessary.

You may find this helpful too, I hope so. This tool can be applied to any decision you may have to make and has certainly helped me a lot.


I hope you feel better soon. Remember that in early sobriety, our emotions are really all over the place. This is a sign that our bodies are healing as the toxins are leaving. Our brain chemicals are overactive as they return to normal.

Hang in there Sarah

Ron

logo

Fear has been defined as F-alse E-vidence A-ppearing R-eal. I am driven by a thousand forms of fear. I just try not to buy into it. Give yourself a break. What I think and feel today will not be the same thing that I will think and feel next week or even next month. I have this thing called fear of impending doom. I always think the worst is going to happen and it usually never does. Sometimes I am OK and I just don't know it. Sometimes I feel like a nut and sometimes I don't. Love and Respect.

Mongo

Here's a link from the alcoholismforum, Quitting-what to expect.

I found it very helpful

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-expect.html

Keep well

Ron

Midas

F* Everything And Run

SarahOfTheShot

Logo = Grow or Go. That's great. Some of the signatures on this site are very interesting and insightful.

Mongo = Thanks for the link, I'm reading it now.

laurince = Thanks for the hug, I think I can. I think I can. The Little Sarah That Could?

And of course Midas....your post on fear was actually one of the first I came across when I got online yesterday. It is very powerful, thank you for sharing.

What I am getting from everyone here is that I must take it one step at a time. One day at a time. One hour, minute, second?

I am looking into out-patient programs, apparently there are some available on the weekends (my weaknesses.) My work insurance covers them actually. Does anyone know if my work can find out if I've been using these benefits? Certainly if so, they can't fire me?

Midas

Thanks Sarah

As far as I know, it is illegal in most states for an employer to fire you if you undergoing treatment for drug or alcohol abuse. The key element is being honest with your supervisor and manager.

Mongo

Sarah, Im not sure where you're posting from, but when I began recovery I let my boss know what I was doing. She was very supportive and it remained confidential. I think that in Canada, anyway, recovery is confidential by law as it relates to employment.

One thing's fer sure, I sure hadn't hidden my drinking from her as well as I thought. She knew. When I came clean she was appreciative and supportive.

Ron

SarahOfTheShot

Whoa...that's a scary thought. I've wondered a few times if my supervisor has 'noticed' when I'm not quite on my game Monday morning. Dang that sucks

And here I was thinking I was fooling everyone else, I was fooling myself so well!

She's pretty cool, I may just talk with her. Something about that feels VERY scary though. I might not be quite ready for all that yet. yikes.

TamTam

(((Hi, Sarah)))- you are SOOOOOO not alone. Joanne summed up everything I wanted to say to you. All of your fears are the same fears I have. Will I know how to have fun, will I lose my identity (I have always been known as the fun one...), how will I "play" if I'm not drinking- how boring. We can all get through it together.
Tammy

CarolD

You CAN move forward into your sober future!

We DO recoverr....Take care

Mongo

Hey Sarah.

How's it going today?

Ron

SarahOfTheShot

It's going pretty good actually, even though I am on a rollercoaster of mixed emotion.

I get excited when I ponder: Think of all I can aclompish if I am not hungover? Think of all the motivation I might have if I am not distracted? Think of that really wonderful Mother you know are and can be when you aren't ruining your life? Think of how much more money I'll have! Think of how organized I could get! Certainly my relationship with my son, partner, best friend will improve! What about work...with clarity that I am sure MUST come from sobriety (right?) I might really be able to move my career to the next level. And what about me....my spiritual can only grow from this exponentially, every day that I make it through, doing what I know I must do?

Then, I think:
Crap, now I have to get up off my @$$ and get some willpower to stay focused. I have to stick to my plan, I am going to have to WORK at this. I am going to have to work to NOT drink. How pathetic. How could I have done this to myself? Why am I so sick? Why can't I just have a few, heck I'd be happy if I could stop at 5 drinks. Why does it matter to me so much to me, this feeling like I'll never drink again. Will it be as much fun being sober? What am I going to look to for that sense of release that drinking has brought me? What a pain in my rear, how could I be so stupid as to let the one thing I always thought would never happen to me...happen?

Based on what I've read and who I've been talking to, this seems like the pretty typical emotional state during the intial withdrawl and those facing sobriety, really facing it, for the first time.

Today, I had a moment where I realized...I was going to become that person that must truly slow it all down, focus...make it through one moment at a time. Like, I probably am going to spend the rest of my life saying....shew, I got through one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more week, one more month (Goddess permitting), one more year.....wow. A whole year. Whoa, thats gotta feel good.

I also had this moment of realization where it all came to me that his is going to be hard. I had visions of myself curled up in the corner, crying my eyes out...just weeping. Because that's what I do when I am not drinking and can't manage my stress, I cry and cry and cry.

But, even though I feel utterly terrified....there's something very hopeful and gleaming in this little heart of mine. Like, hey...I really can do this. I've done it before, look at all I've accomplished in my life. My core is strong...sure it might totally suck for a while, but you do the crime, you do the time. Wish the time didn't seem so ominous....but anyway, I'll reconcile with that too I'm sure.

Day 3, 1 day closer to the weekend...which I am truly dreading since I am a binge drinker only. Getting through one or two days isn't that hard for me, it's when that little alarm goes off in my head on Friday (or another night if I have the next day off for some reason) ding ding ding...time to PARTAAAAY!

Sigh, I'll miss that little ding. The twinge of excitement. When I think about it though, it scares me just as bad as quiting.

Funny that when I think of quiting I get just as scared as when I think of what will happen if I don't....

hope3

Hi sarah of the shot, Way to go! You have been working very hard on making plans and commitments. I knew the first time I read your first post you were an over achiever, (just kidding) congrats on day 3, fantastic.

hope3

Sarah of the shot, just another thought. Maybe you can make plans to be with a friend who doesn't drink friday night, and do something you have'nt done in a while. Go to a movie, get your hair done, I don't know something different. My thoughts are with you.

crazymarble

Hi Sara. I share those fears.

I'm just about three months clean, not much time. At least some of that list seems to come from how we define fun. As addicts, fun is living like a rock star, no stops. Once you've been there it seems hard to think about "fun" without it. I think that goes away with time. I pray it does.

I still like drugs, I still think they're fun. Problem is for me - the fun never stopped. Today it's all about associations.

You said:
Fear of what I might find under all this dependance and sickness.[/B]

For me, that's the heart of it all. It's much more fun to get high than it is to look at our faults and fears. Of course those faults and fears only get bigger with the drug. Truly a catch 22.

Personally, I never solved a damn thing, or received any real insight, when high.

I'm early in recovery so my No. 1 fear is knowing that I can't control my desire to use. I afraid it'll lead me back, I'll relapse. I hope not but I can just picture myself doing it the first chance I have. Scary **** for me 'cause I'm raising a kid.

To thwart that, I picture myself seeing my kid get carried off by DCFS because I've been arrested for a DUI. In that way, fear is put to good use.

GlassPrisoner

@ Sarah, I know all about the roller coaster. It lessens to some degree. But life is going to be good at times, and bad at others. We just have to learn how to cope.

I was talking to my sponsor the other day. I said:

"I'm afraid, but isn't fear a big no-no in AA ?"

He replied:

"Hey, I'm afraid of rattlesnakes.......but that's a good fear to have"