blondy

I am so glad to find this board.

My husband fater died Thanksgiving. There is no other way to say it but he died of alchohol. Okay the death cert. says heart attack or cancer but we all know the cause. He has been dying for the last 18 years. I really have no anger for the man..just sorrow for all the pain he caused my husband. My mil died 18 months ago. She had a heart attack but really she died because she had no hope and no love. She pushed away her children and could find no joy in the world because she lived so many years with no joy.

We live in Bucharest Romania and will be returning home for Christmas. My husband didn't travel home for the funeral. He visited with his dad before we moved to Romania and they both knew they would never see each other again. We spent many years not speaking to either of his parents. My father in law never even met my children. We went home to visit one time and he couldn't leave the bar to come see them. When I went to visit before we moved his children were moving him out of his house and he was too unmanagable for my kids to have a good visit. Does that make any sense. I was really sad because I knew they would never have another opportunity. The decisions were made "for " me and really I probably would have done the same thing.

My husband to this day has not said a word about his mother's death. I have not seen him shed a tear. I accept his attitude as something I do not understand and I have not pushed him or even voiced my opinion..but truly I am confused. He is very angry at his father. The night after he died he was saying "if he loved us he would have quit" "we should have been enough" We have been to alanon meetings and they saved our lives but he thinks alchoholism is a desease of choice. Nobody asks for a shot of lukemia, or breast cancer. I just kept on repeating "Yes you should have been enough but it is a desease" "There is no logic when it comes to adiction" "an adict does things over and over again that causes pain to themselves and others" "It makes no sense it is addiction."

I guess I was just shocked by his feelings. We have had many talks about his father but I guess deep down he feels abandoned and unloved.

All you ever hear about is the whinos or the success stories. You never really attach faces to the rest of the people who are permanently injured. Really I look at my husband as a sucess story. He is a great father and very generous. He hides alot below the surface and has a huge wall he has built up. I guess I am just shocked at how much he keeps to himself. He is so good at it I think we have torn down the wall and it doesn't exsist...but he is just really good at making me think it is not there. Basically if I don't see the wall I won't try to tear it down and he is safe behind it. AM I making any sense at all? I hope so.

He rarely talks about his childhood and when he does it amazes me he is so "healthy", so it is easy to forget that he may appear healthy on the outside but the scars are still there.

As I sit here I am working this all through in my head. So thank you for your patience...Maybe I have answered my own question. My first question was what do you do with the anger...but truly I have no anger toward my FIL...alchohol controlled his life. My next question is what do you do with all the pain caused by the alchohol...Sobriety and restitution can't even erase the pain....but my husband is a really great person and a fantastic father because of his fathers inability to stay sober.

So maybe the answer for me is let my husband grieve his father in his own way and not even form an opinion, just listen. This is really hard for me I want to "fix" it all, but I have to remember I didn't break it...so I can't fix it.

My next response is to delete this....Is it ramblings of a lunatic...maybe....but I will post it anyway becasue I would really like help trying to figure out this huge mystery and help understanding my husband. He won't tell me..even after 18 years he can't trust me enough. He admitted this only a few months ago...18 years 4 kids.... life struggles..and he can't trust...ME?!??!?!?! Really I am not angry just dazed and confused by it all.

Thanks for being here to "listen"

blondy

I am so glad to find this board.

My husbands father died Thanksgiving. There is no other way to say it but he died of alchohol. Okay the death cert. says heart attack or cancer but we all know the cause. He has been dying for the last 18 years. I really have no anger for the man..just sorrow for all the pain he caused my husband. My mil died 18 months ago. She had a heart attack but really she died because she had no hope and no love. She pushed away her children and could find no joy in the world because she lived so many years with no joy.

We live in Bucharest Romania and will be returning home for Christmas. My husband didn't travel home for the funeral. He visited with his dad before we moved to Romania and they both knew they would never see each other again. We spent many years not speaking to either of his parents. My father in law never even met my children. We went home to visit one time and he couldn't leave the bar to come see them. When I went to visit before we moved his children were moving him out of his house and he was too unmanagable for my kids to have a good visit. Does that make any sense. I was really sad because I knew they would never have another opportunity. The decisions were made "for " me and really I probably would have done the same thing.

My husband to this day has not said a word about his mother's death. I have not seen him shed a tear. I accept his attitude as something I do not understand and I have not pushed him or even voiced my opinion..but truly I am confused. He is very angry at his father. The night after he died he was saying "if he loved us he would have quit" "we should have been enough" We have been to alanon meetings and they saved our lives but he thinks alchoholism is a desease of choice. Nobody asks for a shot of lukemia, or breast cancer. I just kept on repeating "Yes you should have been enough but it is a desease" "There is no logic when it comes to adiction" "an adict does things over and over again that causes pain to themselves and others" "It makes no sense it is addiction."

I guess I was just shocked by his feelings. We have had many talks about his father but I guess deep down he feels abandoned and unloved.

All you ever hear about is the whinos or the success stories. You never really attach faces to the rest of the people who are permanently injured. Really I look at my husband as a sucess story. He is a great father and very generous. He hides alot below the surface and has a huge wall he has built up. I guess I am just shocked at how much he keeps to himself. He is so good at it I think we have torn down the wall and it doesn't exsist...but he is just really good at making me think it is not there. Basically if I don't see the wall I won't try to tear it down and he is safe behind it. AM I making any sense at all? I hope so.

He rarely talks about his childhood and when he does it amazes me he is so "healthy", so it is easy to forget that he may appear healthy on the outside but the scars are still there.

As I sit here I am working this all through in my head. So thank you for your patience...Maybe I have answered my own question. My first question was what do you do with the anger...but truly I have no anger toward my FIL...alchohol controlled his life. My next question is what do you do with all the pain caused by the alchohol...Sobriety and restitution can't even erase the pain....but my husband is a really great person and a fantastic father because of his fathers inability to stay sober.

So maybe the answer for me is let my husband grieve his father in his own way and not even form an opinion, just listen. This is really hard for me I want to "fix" it all, but I have to remember I didn't break it...so I can't fix it.

My next response is to delete this....Is it ramblings of a lunatic...maybe....but I will post it anyway becasue I would really like help trying to figure out this huge mystery and help understanding my husband. He won't tell me..even after 18 years he can't trust me enough. He admitted this only a few months ago...18 years 4 kids.... life struggles..and he can't trust...ME?!??!?!?! Really I am not angry just dazed and confused by it all.

Thanks for being here to "listen"

splendra

(((blondy)))

Welcome to SR. You sound like one smart lady and a loving one too. I grew up in an alcoholic drug addicted home and the scars do run very deep. It is so hard for me to make the smallest change or the smallest hole in my wall. It sounds like your H is a very good man. I know the pain and it seems like you really understand and your H is a very fortunate man indeed...

Take care and keep loving...

Latte

You cannot live anyone else's life. You cannot control other people, their lives or their feelings and when you open your heart, you can listen without judging and that may help you understand your husbands thinking a little more.

best

When my parents died, my tears were for my children. Seeing them cry and hurt is why I cried. My mother had stopped her drinking and we had a good relationship(distant but good) for a few years before she died of lukemia. Could say that the alcohol is why as well. the damage to her body, she couldn't withstand the treatments for the lukemia. I truly believe that she didn't seek treatment for the lukemia till it reached a point of being in fear of death over fear of treatment as well. Same as drinking...when the desire to stop becomes more then the addiction to drink is when people seek help.
If our love was enough, there would be no alcoholics or addicts in the whole world.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling illness. It holds no reasoning or understanding.
The only way to understand it to any degree is give it a try but that is a cost beyond reasoning. Some things we are best to accept on what others tell us.
I have been on both sides of the fence...the drinker and also one who has had to deal with others that drink.
There is no rhyme or reasoning to help understand it.
Solutions are... seek forgiveness in your heart for self and others as well as understanding that we can't control, or change others. Their choices were their choices... we need deal with the sorrow but with time we will work through that as well.

oops sorry posted twice.

Welcome... Im glad that you found us.

The only thing that has helped me at all is working on myself. When I started to recover and my thoughts and actions changed I was better able to accept my Mother for who she was.... set boundries.... and find compassion.

You really have to want it though because its not an easy path to take. I hope you and your husband find some comfort soon.

blondy

oops sorry posted twice

GingerM

My husband struggles with what you're struggling with. He doesn't understand it. He can't understand the intensity of emotion I feel towards my parents. He knows it's real, and he doesn't try to change it, but he doesn't understand it.

My answer to him is that I'm glad he can't understand it, because, in all honesty, unless you've lived through it, you simply won't be able to understand it.

Your husband chose to detach from his parents. There are many ACoAs, some on this board, who had to do that to keep the damage from eating them alive. I consider myself partially detached. I have no relationship with my mother that carries any weight - she might as well be the person in front of me in line at the store. I have a strained relationship with my father, who is of the opinion that if you don't talk about the problem, it will go away.

I doubt I will shed tears at my mother's passing, although I do feel pity for her. Any tears I shed at my father's will be for the man he could have been if he hadn't been so stubborn.

Both are alcoholics. Both have tried and failed to quit drinking, primarily, I think, because neither of them thinks they have a drinking problem.

If you're looking for advice, here's mine: listen to your husband when he starts to talk. Don't necessarily try to understand it - alcoholism is a disease of chaos, and chaos reigns supreme in the lives it affects, not just the alcoholic. It is not understandable - especially to someone who never experienced it. So simply listen. Let him know, without a doubt, that you love him, no matter what. Let him know that you're there for him.

When he's not talking, don't press. He will talk when he feels the need. He will be silent when he feels the need. As long as he knows you're there whether he's talking or silent, you will be helping him in ways you can't begin to understand.