Ayers1995

Starting to catch up to me…. AH sent roses on Thursday to my work and sending me messages wanting me to talk to him and give it a chance. I ignore him or ask him to consider my feelings when he does this, but he still does it until I usually say something that hurts his feelings. Well… on Friday night I had dreams about him and in my dream he was going out with a girl. When I woke up… I actually felt a little like I still had feelings there. I guess to me that's really weird because my feelings have been pushed and shoved aside for so many years to avoid disappointment, that I felt like I had none left. It's hard to get the point across here… you all know I left for many MANY reasons… most of which were concerns of my kids and the controlling. I know he is still drinking - I can tell when he leaves me voice messages.

Maybe it's just that time is catching up to me - along with the Holidays. I couldn't wait to get here today and post this thread… I need the feedback and the uplifting support I get from you guys.

Gotta run!

elizabeth1979

Hey Ayers,

I think its to be expected during the holidays. I personally called my ex, whom I've been away from for months, on Friday. I blocked my number and didnt say a word, but wanted to hear his voice. Sick. I know its the holidays, which have never been super fun for me. Its ok, I realized what I was doing, and have moved along through the emotions.

Its perfectly fine to have emotions and feelings. Remember, feelings aren't facts, and this too shall pass. You are doing great and Im sure your boys and you will have a great holiday.
Something that is helping me, is top start my own traditions. New tree, new decorations, different baking..is there something fun you can do with your boys that you wouldnt have done with your husband?

laurie6781

Ayers what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Of course, you will have doubts , but might I suggest that when that happens you review why you left.

As to him having roses delivered, you do know, don't you, that you can refuse the delivery? That refusal will say more to him than your words which he seems to be refusing to hear.

Might I suggest you make a list with pen and paper or on the puter and print it out and carry it with you as a reminder of what you have been through. Until this man decides for himself that HE HAS A PROBLEM and by his actions (goes to rehab, or meetings, gets a sponsor, goes to therapy, all on his own) shows he is doing something about it, you are probably better continuing to stay away and stay with your mom.

J M H O

I am keeping you and yours in my prayers.

Love and hugs,

IrshIzNotSmilin

(((Ayers))) know it live it. I hear you. Holidays no matter where you are or what you are doing in a marriage or out with family or not are a dreadful trip on your head at times. The hallmark dreams are not reality. The family we try to conjure up on the holidays are not always what we think they will be. thinking back to how holidays were, were they great? Think of it maybe like this. Holidays are to believe what we believe in our HP. I pray to god alot during the holidays. I try to think of the spirit. You are going to make a nice holiday for you. Maybe make a special one. He is quacking. Irsh

lilac

(((Ayers))) The holidays do it, I swear. I printed out all my posts when I first moved out and a book that I highlighted. Every now and again I will go back and read them. It helps, some.

TexasGirl

I know for me too, Ayers, it's gotten pretty hard the past few weeks. In fact, the past 3 have been harder than the whole time from move out til then. I think the reality has started to sink in. My doc told me at one point that my apartment was like I was away at summer camp or Disneyland, and that until I set boundaries and enforced them, nothing would really change. This is a little different, but basically the same. I think I've been a camp for a while, pretending to have a little apartment and a dog. Now I'm realizing that I have made a permanent decision that will forever affect my life. This is not going away. Camp's over. That's a pretty hard thing to swallow.
Hope you're feeling a little better.

reader

I know it must be hard not to look through the past with rose colored glasses. The holidays are hard for many of us but look forward not back. Just keep looking at those little faces and u will remember why u left. Roses are nice and all but they can't erase the past.

Ayers1995

TG - That's a really good analogy. I guess now the reality IS setting in. This upheavel IS my life. I have to make decisions that are PERMANENT and they change the vows I never thought I'd break. My husband was a great man when I married him. He still is in ways... but the alcohol is just too much for me.. the controlling and the issues with my children are too much for me. Why can't he understand that this ISN't easy for me....

I have to keep my focus. You all are right. I need to remember the reasons. Remember the words are only words and actions are actions. The camp fun is over and I need to find a way to make a happy medium. Thanks you all.