first post here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
first post here
Hi. I feel a little weird. At my age I never thought I'd be posting on an alcoholism website (late 50s). But I have managed to be foolish enough to marry someone who is an alcoholic during this last portion of my life. I am an American now living in the UK with him. I didn't realize what I was taking on but I can't excuse myself, I'm a big girl and made my choice at the time. Right now I don't feel able to leave, for financial and practicality reasons. I also don't really want to, I want things to work out but...I realize that may be stupid thinking.
So...he's an alcoholic, in denial, has been drinking on and off apparently (I've begun to discuss this w/ his family and finding out more history) off and on for decades. When he's sober - and he's been able to do that for years at a time and, so far in our year of marriage, once for 4 months and again for 60 days. He's on day 15 of the recent binge, allegedly stopped two days ago but didn't really. Anyway, when he's sober he is a wonderful husband to me. We love each other very much...but now I think I need to qualify that by saying he loves as much as an alcoholic can love anyone after the bottle. I am learning about that. I feel like I've had a crash course in the past few months.
And I am just not sure what is going to happen...but I do know if I were with him in my own territory in the states, I would have left him this summer.
Ordinarily I am an independent, strong woman with a very full rich life and a big community and everything one can need to keep body and soul together. But I was a widow and vulnerable and this seemed a good idea at the time...
It made me care about life again, when he and I joined up. And he helped me so much with my grieving. He has been my lifeline friend now for three years.
Ok. Bottom line for NOW, tonight: While I sort out what to do, I need help with this detachment stuff. I am having a hard time finding an Al-Anon in my area, we are a bit remote in the rural areas in a country that doesn't seem too concerned about the drinking habits of its populace. So I'm hoping by reading all I can, I can help myself deal with this. I've been working on trying to detach and stop enabling by showing him how upset it gets me. Working with hypnosis and meditation tapes in headphones and closing myself off in my office to work and try to avoid him at these times and taking days that I call "vow of silence" days, just going inward and not saying anything at all...not in a sullen way, just a sort of inward meditation thing to keep from going into drama and anger. But we've had some pretty heated discussions at other times, about all this. I've sorted out lately, though, that he doesn't remember them, and that it's useless to talk to him when he's drunk. Reading the threads here tonight I see this is how it goes.
I guess if I've finally not been able to deal with this I will go back to America. But I am battling depression about this idea, severely. I feel I have to choose between two poisons - living with an alcoholic or going back to the remnents of my widowed life where it left off. And there are serious financial considerations, too.
There have been many times lately I have wished I was dead.
Well, I'm not sure what to expect here. If you all want to jump on me and tell me I'm a stupid idiot whiner, I'll understand.
I just thought maybe by logging on here and listening and reading I might get more courage and feel less alone in this struggle.
Thanks for listening.
Acushla
So...he's an alcoholic, in denial, has been drinking on and off apparently (I've begun to discuss this w/ his family and finding out more history) off and on for decades. When he's sober - and he's been able to do that for years at a time and, so far in our year of marriage, once for 4 months and again for 60 days. He's on day 15 of the recent binge, allegedly stopped two days ago but didn't really. Anyway, when he's sober he is a wonderful husband to me. We love each other very much...but now I think I need to qualify that by saying he loves as much as an alcoholic can love anyone after the bottle. I am learning about that. I feel like I've had a crash course in the past few months.
And I am just not sure what is going to happen...but I do know if I were with him in my own territory in the states, I would have left him this summer.
Ordinarily I am an independent, strong woman with a very full rich life and a big community and everything one can need to keep body and soul together. But I was a widow and vulnerable and this seemed a good idea at the time...
It made me care about life again, when he and I joined up. And he helped me so much with my grieving. He has been my lifeline friend now for three years.
Ok. Bottom line for NOW, tonight: While I sort out what to do, I need help with this detachment stuff. I am having a hard time finding an Al-Anon in my area, we are a bit remote in the rural areas in a country that doesn't seem too concerned about the drinking habits of its populace. So I'm hoping by reading all I can, I can help myself deal with this. I've been working on trying to detach and stop enabling by showing him how upset it gets me. Working with hypnosis and meditation tapes in headphones and closing myself off in my office to work and try to avoid him at these times and taking days that I call "vow of silence" days, just going inward and not saying anything at all...not in a sullen way, just a sort of inward meditation thing to keep from going into drama and anger. But we've had some pretty heated discussions at other times, about all this. I've sorted out lately, though, that he doesn't remember them, and that it's useless to talk to him when he's drunk. Reading the threads here tonight I see this is how it goes.
I guess if I've finally not been able to deal with this I will go back to America. But I am battling depression about this idea, severely. I feel I have to choose between two poisons - living with an alcoholic or going back to the remnents of my widowed life where it left off. And there are serious financial considerations, too.
There have been many times lately I have wished I was dead.
Well, I'm not sure what to expect here. If you all want to jump on me and tell me I'm a stupid idiot whiner, I'll understand.
I just thought maybe by logging on here and listening and reading I might get more courage and feel less alone in this struggle.
Thanks for listening.
Acushla
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey Girl,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Nobody is going to think you are stupid here. You love an alcoholic that does not make you stupid. It is not always easy to detach from thier drinking. Do you have any hobbies or outside interests? That might be the place to start with detaching. In alanon they say keep the focus on yourself and take care of you. Also we have a friends and family forum on this website for people involved with alcoholics...come on over you will get lots of support there.
Take good care of you and be gentle with yourself okay...
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Nobody is going to think you are stupid here. You love an alcoholic that does not make you stupid. It is not always easy to detach from thier drinking. Do you have any hobbies or outside interests? That might be the place to start with detaching. In alanon they say keep the focus on yourself and take care of you. Also we have a friends and family forum on this website for people involved with alcoholics...come on over you will get lots of support there.
Take good care of you and be gentle with yourself okay...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
Hi splendra...yes, I have serious interests and avocations/vocations which fortunately I have been able to bring with me, since mostly they are accomplished on the computer. I am working seriously on MAKING myself focus even if I am having a bad day in re: his drinking. It is hard...I have lost a lot of days lately and gotten nothing done but generally I feel I'm clicking into a regime. I have done things like get a vibrating alarm and small coffee pot for my office so I can get up before him and do some serious work while the house is quiet. It is taking everything I have, from inside, to do this because I've always been a person who, if things were going badly in my personal life, I had a hard time doing my work. I'm having to switch that completely around and find out how to lose myself in my work, instead.
I will check out friends & family forums, thank you, I am just sorting out where to go here...thank you, 51anna.
I will check out friends & family forums, thank you, I am just sorting out where to go here...thank you, 51anna.
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